Well… I guess this is the correct board. I am working on a short monologue, and well, although English is not my first language I think it is pretty acceptable. Would anyone care to take a look at it?
Today I am alone. Your absence kept me awake for three days straight. I look at our empty bed, where I don’t even try to lay down and fall asleep, as I know it won’t happen anytime soon, restraining myself to the old computer chair. The brightness from the monitor is the only source of light in our room, making my spectacles shine in white. Trying to remember why you are gone, I spend countless hours staring blankly at nowhere.
I wish I could have said something to you on that night you left. I wish I could have said please, stay. Please, don’t leave me, stay just one more night. Please, don’t leave me, help me stay alive, I could have said, but that would not make any difference. You should have been gone for a long time, and what should have been a slight bump in our life have become a hole punched into me. You were mean to me, sometimes I think. Cruel, I may say… and all of a sudden I feel guilty again for thinking that. Guilty and stupid, because, of course, this was again… all my fault.
I can still smell you in your pillow and our bed sheets. The same smell that takes me back to our happy day makes me angry, makes me want to get rid of all your memories. All the letters we exchanged. All the dinners we shared, movies we laughed, songs we played on repeat and all the stories we told. I want to throw all that out, but all those memories are burnt deep into my hippocampus. And part of me is still really fond of those memories and misses you terribly.
What have I done? What have I become after those two years? I get up from my desk to get another cup of ice cubes and jack. The kitchen is filled with dishes that I should have done a few hours ago. I ignore it. The lasagna tray is too greasy anyway… I really can’t get outside wearing flippers and pajamas. I slip my old jeans and my jacket, swallowing my cup at once, and totter to the stairs, grabbing my keys on the way to the door. The street is empty but for the neighbor’s cat. I enter the store. The artificial lights and cooled air from the ac are a huge contrast with the warm night outside. Some late night shoppers walk around pushing their trolleys, minding their own businesses. At least here I am also alone. It feels good to be all by myself sometimes. To be honest, you were always dragging me around and over yourself. I pay for my drinks, and am tempted to stay a while more on that synthetic environment.
I see myself again on the computer. I still did not left my room, still on my flip-flops and pajamas. My head hurts even more, and everything starts to spin. Where are you right now? What are you doing without me?
You were an important part of my life. We shared a bed together. We traded secrets, we kissed, we fucked, we loved each other… at least I did. You made me happy, you made me smile, and you brought me breakfast in bed on our first anniversary. You did not care so much about the second one, though. What baffles me is how we let that lack of empathy take us so apart. Fights… oh, the fights. But I always apologized. Maybe it is good that you are gone. Maybe it should have happened one year ago. (…)
Definitely acceptable. I think you do a nice job of conveying very specific feelings/emotional states. Nicely written, especially if English is not your first language. My initial questions would be "who are you talking to? Who is your audience? By “monologue” do you mean a suitable stage/audition piece? (technically, it’s a soliloquy) Is this meant to be read or performed? Part of a novel? Also, are you gearing this toward the U.S. or the UK?
Off the top of my head - just a few simple phrasing issues I notice while reading:
1.I get up from my desk to get another cup of ice cubes and jack. - we would say “glass” regardless of the container, and probably just “ice and jack” or “jack on the rocks”
2.I really can’t get outside wearing flippers and pajamas. - can’t GO outside, and use slippers or flipflops, not flippers.
3.I slip my old jeans and my jacket, - I slip ON my old jeans and my jacket
4.cooled air from the ac - I don’t hear “AC” used too often in the U.S. - it’s more often the air conditioning, but that would not be the case for Australia, etc. U.S. also wouldn’t say “trolleys”
5.minding their own businesses. - we’d say “minding their own business”
6.you were always dragging me around and over yourself. - not sure what you’re trying to say here, the phrasing is not correct.
7.I pay for my drinks, and am tempted to stay a while more on that synthetic environment. - I’m not sure if you are in a grocery store or a pub, or what. ??
8.I still did not left my room, - Have not left my room
9.that lack of empathy take us so apart. - again, I’m not quite sure what you’re trying to say.
10.one year ago. - “a year ago” would be the more conversational way of saying this
These are just little things I notice as an American. For example, when people say “lift” as opposed to “elevator”, or “boot” rather than “trunk” - not wrong, just doesn’t feel as familiar to an American. I can’t imagine writing in a foreign language! For the most part the piece feels true and conversational.
I might have more feedback if I knew the purpose of the piece – for performance, or an essay or short story ??
whoa, thank you so much! I will work on those points you showed. I still struggle sometimes with grammar… Well well.
I never actually thought of what would that become. Probably another short story. I tried to translate another short REALLY SHORT story - two paragraphs - from Portuguese to English, but it is way harder than writing in English.
“AC” is acceptable for American audiences. The letters would be capitalized as in the previous sentence, though.
“Trolleys” would be shopping carts, or just carts.
I’d say “in” that synthetic environment. And I see myself again on the computer screen, or computer monitor. (“Monitor” by itself would also be appropriate. Generally Americans use the word “screen” to refer to the display device on a TV or a computer, but the word “monitor” is colloquially used to refer to computers first and foremost).
This is really, REALLY good. You’re ahead of a goodly percentage of American college freshmen with this piece.
Thank you so much! You just made my day. I think the grammar inconsistency is due to the fact that I typed this while drunk… a state on which I usually am. Well, back to work
“As I see your raven hair cascaded across the pillow in the moonlight, I wonder who you are. And who I am. And what happened last night after I blacked out.”
