We are made to be a social people. We are made for companionship. Aloneness is unnatural.

It’s spring break. I’m not happy that it is, and I knew I wouldn’t be, because I knew what would happen.

A while ago, my family and I moved miles and miles away from our former home, and where I go to school. (I’m a junior.) This means most of the time I’m just here, because it’s such work to go all the way there. And the parents are just so needy that they hate it when I don’t sleep at home. So I spend most of my time alone, which is very bad for me.
I need my friends. I need a girlfriend–no–a female companion. That sounds right. What I need is companionship. People might say “No, you don’t need a girlfriend, you’re young, just enjoy single life.” Sorry, I can’t. Maybe I could if I had any hope for my future. So I try to fill that void with my friends. A weak substitute for romantic love, maybe, but I need them too. But they act so indifferent. We all love and need each other, of course. But they deny all that, and each of us wants to look like a lone wolf. --But that’s not healthy.

I think that most of us don’t have ourselves worked out, mentally. We have a lot of negative feelings, just waiting beneath the surface. This is why lots of people just need every kind of noise constantly all around them–

And I, too, find it hard to just turn off the TV/computer/nintendo. Because those needs keep bubbling up. So sometimes I retreat into silence, ready to really deal with my problems. But I can’t. My problems (the big ones, anyway) won’t go away, so I leave my meditation more conflicted and defeated than before.

Usually, my only Silence is when I’m trying to sleep. So lately I’ve had some pretty bad insomnia, which just turns up the volume on all of my other problems. And my mild depressive episodes can be almost crippling.

Then I turn myself off. I didn’t realize it for a long time, but I have the ability to instantly and completely numb myself. Most (or many) men can do this, I’d wager. Women have to work through their mental state before they can work on anything else, and I don’t think that’s bad. (In my personal experience, and a generalization, I know.) So their problems will not stack up and eventually topple down: women commit suicide much less than men. (this one’s a fact; my psychology text says men’s rates are 4x higher.)

I woke up yesterday all aflame and ready for a day of excitement. I packed a change of clothes, a tv/dvd player and gamecube, &c all (My parents rent out a house in the neighboring city, where my friends live. It’s empty now, and I figured we could just party there, and I’d have my comrades all around.) So I set off on the highway, thinking I’d just drive around and show up at a friend’s house. That’s how I usually do it, and it usually works out. So I show up at one friend’s house, where maybe 5 guys were hanging out. They were playing music…
…well, it gets boring here, but we didn’t really hang out. I left soon. Tried to hang out with a certain friend. He was just cleaning. Went back to the duplex… and so on, and it goes on like this. --The point is, I didn’t get any of the fellowship I had gone out searching for. And that certain friend who was more interested in cleaning than in me never came over like he had promised. I played nintendo in a completely empty house (no furniture, with white paint like in a mental institution) for hours and hours waiting for him. It got dark and it sure got lonely. He called me at ~11.15. I had already given up on him, and was sleeping on the floor. He woke me up and was unapolagetic. I was pissed and had nothing there to numb me.

I slept. I dreamed about a certain female friend of mine. It’s not clear where we were, it was kind of airy, but we were lying on somthing soft. Just the two of us. We weren’t really talking. You might say we were communicating through touch. (not sexual touch, and this dream was more satisfying than a wet dream could be.) Pretty soon my lips are on hers. We’re holding each other, just loving each other.

But I’m not looking through my eyes in this vision. I’m watching another me, and I’m cut off from this reverie.

I’m seperate from that place.

Sometimes finding that connection to anyone is so… damn… hard. I’ve experienced my own version of this right after high school* and then again after I was dumped by this guy who could not stop cheating on me*. Even my mother, who I thought was always connected to me, is now just… distant. Mind, she’s got her own troubles along with helping me out but she’s not “there”. I can’t talk to her and find that nurturing anymore.

*After high school, my best friend just faded out of my life. She became involved with a guy who treated her badly and got pregnant. He took over everything and she just receded. It hurt like hell that she stopped trying to remain close and I know she was scared to be alone and pregnant. I’ve forgiven her in some ways but the bond will never be the same.

The cheating man bewitched me and I took the end of our relationship so badly. I sought out other men afterward just so I could have some sort of maleness in my life but those episodes weren’t me and it made my loneliness even worse.

I hope this is a temporary situation for you and that you aren’t lonely for long. Real friend try…

err… that would be “friends”.

Didn’t mean to kill your thread…

Heh - not your fault, I’m sure. Maybe it’s the title. Also, I don’t think too many people are interested in reading about the emotions of some guy on the internet. And even fewer would bother replying.

I’m doing better right now, Spider. I’ve had two visitors in the last two days, and in a couple of hours I’m going out for ice cream with a lovely lady. (neither of us has romantic intentions.)

I guess this is just a bump.

I thought it was just a *little * well-written, at least.

If it makes you feel any better, I read your post. Seems like something I could probably relate to sometimes. I wish I had some advice for you other than to keep hoping, but that’s all I’ve ever done.

I know what you are going through in some aspects. I have a friend who said he was going to call to hang out, but he didnt. I cant say that i actually expected him too, though, as this wasnt the first time this shit has happend. I hate the world. I only like my new shoes.

Between high school and getting married, I went through a lot of loneliness. Not “I need someone around every minute!” loneliness, but “I haven’t spoken to anyone who wasn’t a cashier in five days” loneliness. And it sucks. Lots.

If it helps, know that you’re learning coping mechanisms. You’re becoming less dependent. You are learning about yourself. So, when you do find someone with whom you want to spend more time, you might be less likely to make a mistake about who you are in the relationship. It’s a valuable lesson, if only it weren’t so stinky learning it.