she cheated on me.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

There’s a point that is largely being overlooked in this thread, and here it is:

According to your own words, you BLACKED OUT and made out with someone and you don’t remember it. Stop drinking. Just stop. If something like this has happened (blacking out is kind of a big deal IMO) and you still won’t reconsider the drinking, you have an serious issue. You’re lucky all you did is kiss someone else. Seems like it’s only chance that your GF cheated and not you. There really isn’t a moral high ground for you to stand on here at all.

Good luck with the whole thing. I mean it. You’re young and you made mistakes, but your life will go on and you’ll learn from it.

42

And if I wasn’t convinced that you had a problem before… really, stop drinking. Please, before you get hurt.

43

Well you’re obviously not trying very hard.

:rolleyes:

44

I’m pretty sure that elephant is just in your room. :smiley:

45

Look, my faux-insensitivity has a point. I’m trying to cut to the chase. It is reasonable to believe that this must be a particularly harsh blow to nevermore’s esteem because of the added gender issue. This psychological dynamic may be unpopular and un-PC to address, but surely there must be an added dimension of insecurity and inadequacy that is peculiar to nevermore’s situation. I truly wondered if she would have had the same reaction had it been a woman her girlfriend cheated with. If she and her partner don’t confront all of the reasons for resentment, then they don’t have much hope for a stable and happy relationship should they try to make another go of it.

I hate to say it, but there’s the problem. Bad foundation, no boundaries.

46

I’m a bit of a hard-liner when it comes to fidelity, so I’ll leave most of this alone, except for pointing out that it’s almost always easier to justify one’s own actions.

Nevermore, I was in a long distance relationship which eventually ended. If you decide to break it off, please don’t do so by just easing off contact and failing to talk. That’s what the gentleman I was involved with did to me and to this day I don’t know when it ended or why. We were engaged, although he never gave me a ring; I never knew when I was free from the promises we’d made each other and free to see other people. He’s normally a courageous man, but I consider his not telling me when it was over to be the actions of a coward. If you decide to end this, please have the courtesy to let the woman you’ve loved so much over the years know that she, too can move on, rather than leave her wondering if you’re going to pop back into her life. If you decide to give yourself the permission to move on, please let her do the same.

CJ

47

Newsflash… Person in early twenties gets too drunk… Pope shits in woods… etc. I don’t think it’s time for an emergency visit to the rehab clinic. When you’re young, you do things to excess, which with the benefit of age and hindsight were really stupid. As you get older, your experience increases, the hangovers get worse and you tend to stop before you go too far.*

I’m no expert in relationships, but I would suggest you don’t immediately break up. I imagine that your girlfriend is feeling absolutely terrible right now, and it’s obvious that you are too. She did something stupid, and then was scared to tell you (because you mean a lot to her), and then kept not telling you, and the longer she left it, the harder it was to tell you, and now you find out in this situation and she will feel she doesn’t deserve you.

Getting through this together could make your relationship stronger - you will know that despite her failings, you love her anyway. I know couples where one partner has strayed, but they have stuck together and are now happily married and very much in love. Remember, she’s younger than you and a certain amount of “am I ready for this commitment?” is to be expected. My girlfriend’s younger than me so it was some time before she was certain we were together for the long haul. It seems your girlfriend had doubts, but is ready for the commitment.

What makes this even more difficult is that it’s a long-distance relationship with you about to make a major step of going to Japan together. Not quite the same as if you were living close to each other, I know. It doesn’t help much, but you need to think about what this girl means to you, could you ever get this from the back of your mind, can you trust her again? Remember, she’s grown up a bit since it happened, and will mature further. Make sure she learns that she needs to talk to you if she gets the feeling she needs to stray.

We can’t do your thinking for you (unfortunately), so this could take some time. Will you regret it if you split up? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I would think that the number of “fish in the sea” is smaller for those looking for same-sex relationships than for straight people. This doesn’t mean you should settle for second best, just that it can take longer to find the one for you. How special is this girl to you?

Don’t rush the decision, and best wishes.

*For the record, I’m only 25 but have been alcohol-free for nearly 4 years following ridiculous problems with alcohol. Quitting is appropriate in some situations - I just don’t think it is in this one.

48

Newsflash: nevermore admits to blacking out TWICE, just in posts on this message board alone. Did you read the thread I linked to? Once, she drove and got a DWI. Another time, she made out with someone. She claims no memory of either incident. You think this is just normal, casual drinking? I don’t. I think nevermore has a problem and should think about stopping. I stand by that statement.

49

Yep, I read the thread, in which she said she thought she might’ve been drugged. I also read the date of the thread, which was almost two years ago.

I don’t know nevermore’s drinking history, and I’m not going to delve - she’s not asked us for advice on that. From the evidence you’ve found on this board, she has, twice in the last 2 years, got so drunk she couldn’t remember things the following morning. We could open an IMHO thread and take a poll of all dopers who could claim the same honour. Particularly those between 20-25 years old.

Both of these times, she’s done things she has come to regret. And getting that drunk is dangerous - you can be taken advantage of while your judgement’s impaired. But if you don’t make mistakes, you can’t learn from them. I’m not encouraging people to get this drunk - I’m just saying that it happens, and if it happens once or twice then we can experience it, learn, and move on. Even though we all see drunk people doing stupid things, most of us need to get drunk and do stupid things ourselves before we’ll admit that it could happen to us.

Now, if nevermore tells us that actually, she can’t remember a single Friday or Saturday night from the entirety of 2005, then I’d be forced to change my mind. She’s not said that, so I’m going assume (perhaps incorrectly) that this is an uncommon occurence. Either way, she asked for relationship advice following a shocking revelation of infidelity. Alcohol is only a bit player in this - not the cause of any relationship problems (that she has told us about), just that her drunken mistake lead to a secret being uncovered. On so little evidence, I don’t think I can rightfully intervene and ask her to consider her alcohol consumption.

nevermore, I apologise for the hijack. Concentrate on one thing at a time - make sure you understand your feelings for this girl and choose a course of action accordingly. Even if you were to split up, could you remain friends? Could you still go to Japan together, and have fun while you’re out there? I agree with Siege - do make sure your girlfriend knows what’s happening. Best wishes.

50

Maybe you should. I’d be curious to find out. I did my share of drinking but I never blacked out. The only people I know who have do have drinking issues.

Alcohol is only a bit player in this - not the cause of any relationship problems (that she has told us about), just that her drunken mistake lead to a secret being uncovered. On so little evidence, I don’t think I can rightfully intervene and ask her to consider her alcohol consumption.[/quot]

Both nevermore and her GF cheated while under the influence of alcohol. Both infidelities can be traced back to drinking. I think this is the real elephant in the room. If you throw your personal life out on a message board, you have to expect people to say what they think. I’m not trying to intervene, but I wouldn’t want to run into her behind the wheel on a Friday or Saturday night, and it sounds to me like she has a problem. Doesn’t to you, which is fine. I’ve said my piece.

51

I’m closing this down, nevermore, because it appears that one of the other parties involved with this situation is a member of this message board. I understand you wanting advice for the situation, but we don’t allow off-board issues between board members to be dragged on to the board.

52

It turns out that I was acting on misunderstood information, nevermore. This thread is re-opened, and you have my sincere apologies.

53

OK, so, I think everything is resolved. I mainly wanted this thread reopened to tell all of you who participated that I sincerely appreciated all of your input, and it really did help guide me to a decision.

I came to the realization that I don’t really want an open relationship. I love her, and nobody else; I don’t want or need the option of dating other people. She says she doesn’t either. We had this big talk and I told her that if she could promise me she would just talk to me if she ever felt the need to explore anything again, we could go back to being monogamous. She did, profusely, and I believe her-- I think she finally understands the importance of this kind of honesty and communication in a healthy relationship, and especially in a long-distance one. I know a lot of people will think I’m not doing the smart thing, and I have doubts myself, but the only way I’ll ever know is if I try. I’d probably go nuts if I didn’t.

In response to all the speculation about my relationship with alcohol, it’s not something I’m worried about. I drink maybe twice a week with a big group of friends, and yeah, sometimes I overdo it. It’s not an uncommon thing for someone my age. I don’t drive when I’ve had any more than the equivalent of two drinks, so I’m not putting anyone else at risk; this is pretty much the worst thing that’s happened because of it. This is not to say I won’t change my behavior at all; I do intend on cutting down on the number of drinks I have when I do go out. I just don’t think it’s a problem that warrants quitting altogether. As for my girlfriend, her infidelity happened after she’d had a drink or two. That doesn’t at all mean it can be “traced back” to drinking. She told me flat out she would’ve done it dead sober, so no, I don’t think alcohol is the major player here at all.

Anyway, thanks again, everyone. And I guess if it doesn’t work out; y’all will be hearing from me again soon enough. :wink: