Today I saw the therapist and she offered that opinion.
Why did she say that?
On August 20th my boy friend died after fighting esophageal cancer for 18 months. If I call his work number at night, I can still hear his voice on the mail followed by computer voice lady saying “is not available”.
No kidding.
Ms. Therapist has never pointed a finger at me and said, “Stop doing that”; however she did today.
I don’t think I’m obsessed, only really sad.
Still gotta work; still gotta feed the hounds.
He died August 20th?
You don’t need a therapist yet…you should be ranting and raving and bawling. Of course you want to hear his voice. Keep listening 
That “therapist” has no grip on reality.
Have a cry and an early night all snuggled up in bed.
My thoughts are with you.
If, after a couple of years you were still doing that, then perhaps you’d be “obsessed.” But a few weeks? Come on. People need time to grieve. As in, TIME TO GRIEVE. And your behavior sounds like it’s part of that.
This therapist forgot where her heart was, apparently.
Concur with these sentiments totally. I would be doing the same if my SO had died so recently. Sympathies with you, graceland.
Yes, I can’t believe she would call that obsessive! It’s perfectly natural to want some kind of reminder of your loved one at this stage.
My condolences to you. I hope you can find a better therapist.
As long as your not sat by the phone, dialing the number day and night. Then I can’t see anything wrong with what your doing. You’ve just lost your SO, and it’s perfectly normal to want to hear his voice.
Your therapist has issues.
I think that you might need a grief counselor more than a therapist with an empathy bypass.
My condolences to you for your loss.
Thank you all for your kind thoughts and condolences.
The first thing I see when I get up in the morning is his finest painting. Driving to work I’m in the car he loved dearly, a Miata and now is the time to ride with the top down. He’s with me in so many ways and I don’t mean material things.
Maybe La Therapist thought I needed a dope slap. On that we can just disagree.
Again, thank you.
k
You have my deepest sympathies, graceland. While I wouldn’t say “stop doing that”, I’d question if it was in your best interests to do this for much longer…but would understand if you kept doing it for a little while. I imagine if I had a message on my voicemail from someone I loved who was gone, I’d save it for as long as the machine existed.
By my count, it’s been 20 days since your loss. Not even one credit card cycle. And you must have been through hell for a year and half before that. And your therapist is telling you to get over it? Unless you have a strong, long-term bond with this therapist, I would look on that as a loud alarm bell. It doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s a terrible shrink, but it means that she doesn’t understand what’s going on with you.
You should be allowed to miss someone you love (NOT past tense) as long as you want.
One practical consideration: At some point that voice mail message is going to be changed. You will call it some night and it will be gone. If it’s important to you–and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be–make a tape.
Good luck.
I’m trying to understand this whole therapeutic process. The only other time I saw a therapist was while going through a divorce. He was so like Ned Flanders that three sessions were about all I could stomach before the snickering and derision became audible.
The other day’s session where she took me down almost seemed like a Good Cop, Bad Cop 180. I have always tended to try to go these things alone and the only reason that I’m in therapy is a combination of pressure from my parents and my employer. This therapist is supposed to be one of the best in Pensacola; however, I have to add that dogs shoot men who are shooting dogs (several current threads about this one) and zealots here have shot 2 doctors. It’s an odd, odd place.
Next question: therapist wants me to start taking Ambien (a sleeping pill) and I told her that I wanted to take fewer drugs; not more. I have had to make a year long committment to taking Lexapro which I’m not thrilled about but I’m willing to be a little patient and see if the shakes and cotton mouth and other side effects diminish. I have read so many differing opinions about the sleeping pill and the anti-depressant that my head swims wondering whom to trust.
I sure appreciate you who are helping me navigate some tricky shoals.
k
I’m trying to understand this whole therapeutic process. The only other time I saw a therapist was while going through a divorce. He was so like Ned Flanders that three sessions were about all I could stomach before the snickering and derision became audible.
The other day’s session where she took me down almost seemed like a Good Cop, Bad Cop 180. I have always tended to try to go these things alone and the only reason that I’m in therapy is a combination of pressure from my parents and my employer. This therapist is supposed to be one of the best in Pensacola; however, I have to add that dogs shoot men who are shooting dogs (several current threads about this one) and zealots here have shot 2 doctors. It’s an odd, odd place.
Next question: therapist wants me to start taking Ambien (a sleeping pill) and I told her that I wanted to take fewer drugs; not more. I have had to make a year long committment to taking Lexapro which I’m not thrilled about but I’m willing to be a little patient and see if the shakes and cotton mouth and other side effects diminish. I have read so many differing opinions about the sleeping pill and the anti-depressant that my head swims wondering whom to trust.
I sure appreciate you who are helping me navigate some tricky shoals.
k
p.s. On the upside, when I finish the grant I’m working on today, I’m going to drive a tractor for the rest of the afternoon in prep for our third home built by women.
One of my favorite people ever, my aunt Linda, died 12 yrs ago after a long illness.
Her husband has since remarried a fine lady, and my little cousin, Linda’s daughter has grown up into a wonderful young woman. Sure, they’ve had problems coping, who wouldn’t have? However, they are generally sane.
This is set up for this:
They have a recording of Linda’s voice. It’s her old answering machine outgoing tape. A couple of months after her death, Uncle was going to wipe it clean, record over it. But something stopped him and he took out the tape, putting it in a safe place. A couple of years ago, cousin had it digitized and now we all have a WAV of Aunt Linda’s voice. It’s a keepsake, like the old photos of all of us together, or the two sets of wedding portraits that cousin has in her living room, Dad & Mom, Dad and StepMom.
I don’t see anything wrong with an aural keepsake. Plus, it’s been so little time for you! You are not weird. And I hope you can get a recording of his voice if you need it for your comfort. Maybe and old video recording? Doesn’t have to be the voicemail.
However, I must add this: I AM NOT A THERAPIST. Maybe some combo of your behavior is worrying your therapist.
Regardless, we’re all here for you.
None of us know your complete history, but your therapist sounds a little whacked on the surface. Not every therapist is right for every person. If YOU’re not comfortable with what you’re being told, then find another one.
My condolences for your loss. Grief is a long and arduous process, not something to “get over”.
I second the above. Obviously we can’t know much about your situation through an anonymous message board. If both your family and your employer encouraged you to try therapy, they may be seeing something that you yourself aren’t seeing. But there are different kinds of therapy and different kinds of therapists. It sounds a little strange that you would be asked to make a year-long commitment to take a particular medication. Even if it has side effects? Even if it doesn’t help you? Even if something else might be better? And your therapist wants to give you more pills on top of that? And doesn’t seem to be taking your concerns seriously? You are not only the patient, you are the consumer, and as in many other areas, it might be worth getting a second opinion. There seems to be a fairly substantional division between psychiatrists, who tend to lean heavily toward medicating their patients, and traditional clinical psychology, which emphasizes talking within an atmosphere of acceptance and trust. Of course there’s overlap, and in some jurisdictions non-M.D.s are even getting authority to write prescriptions. But the drugs shouldn’t be the first resort. It might be worthwhile to do some reading about therapy, and talk to a psychologist or licensed social worker who doesn’t make drugs a major part of her practice. A university counseling center might be one place to get some referrals.
Some short articles:
of course, substantial…
I don’t think your need to hear his voice is weird at all. I’ve got an old reel to reel tape kicking around and I’d really like to get my hands on a player because I suspect my mom and possibly my grandmother are on it. Several years after my ex boyfriend died, I had a mutual friend go through her videos to see if he was on any. I really wanted to hear his voice again. (We’d stayed close friends.)
Grief isn’t something that runs on a scheduale. Even after twelve years, I still have periods where I feel a type of mourning for Marty. About five years ago, it got quite intense for a while. I was going through a bad period with Mr zoogirl and I did a lot of “what if?”, wishing I could see Marty again.
Your therapist likely isn’t the right one for you. By way of contrast, the one I saw while I was going through my bad patch encouraged me to write, use art and do whatever I needed to help me let go. I wasn’t expected to be in a hurry about it either. You need support, not pushing.
I wish good things for you. Take your time and don’t let anyone tell you how to feel. In one sense, it’s not even really up to you. You can’t simply will away your grief. It has to be processed and that isn’t something you have any control over.
Hang in there.
I was at my parents house, rooting around for a blank or re-useable cassette. Dad says, take that one, it’s old. I put it in the stereo in the living room, and hit Play- just in case, yanno?
Mom is sitting there reading. Suddenly, we hear her mother’s voice clear as day and very loudly. On the tape. Her mother who had been dead more than 10 years. Mom sat there, burst into tears and listened raptly.
We kept the tape.
graceland, my heartfelt condolences for your loss. Not only are you not obsessed, but if this sound of his voice makes you feel good, then you need to find a way to record that outgoing voicemail message so you can keep it as a wave file, or recording. It’s become precious to you, and shouldn’t be lost.
Cartooniverse
Observer11, thank you for the links. I asked two doctors and another psychiatrist about staying on an anti-depressant for an extended period and each one agreed that the drug should not be dropped just because I’m feeling better. Apparently, the depression often returns two-fold. Finding the right combo of drugs for one’s body chemistry strikes me as a kind of alchemy and I’m not real comfortable with that.
Esophageal cancer is one form of the disease that by the time symptoms are detected, it is usually stage three and there’s about a 15% five year survival rate. One year after Chris had his esophagus removed, he appeared to be doing so well that the oncologist took the pic line out of his arm. He had maintained his weight even after the j-tube was removed and was back at work. Two weeks later he was having trouble breathing and the doctor found fluid in his lungs and a spot on his liver. Four months later he was dead.
I offer that info because I had the arrogance to think that we had actually beaten the odds. I pretty much cratered. I blew a deadline for a $120,000 grant which got my employer’s attention (miraculously the grant was still accepted and we’re among five finalists for the money). At the same time I just stopped answering my phone, had trouble eating and sleeping and didn’t go see my folks. That’s why people from all sides were telling me that perhaps I wasn’t really coping all that well on my own.
I have a great friend who is taking care of his mother who has Alzheimer’s. Every Sunday we go out to the Gulf of Mexico and float on our back and look for pictures in the clouds. It’s actually more therapeutic than therapy.
I sure do appreciate all your input.
k