It’s a good idea when doing PR and Patton explained his actions when apologizing to his troops,* but when giving a personal apology, is one obligated to give an explanation, is it acceptable to explain, or either bad etiquette or generally a bad idea?
I apologized to a friend today for a wrong that I had done. In short, I had asked for clarification on something but my wording gave the impression that I was inconsiderate of their feelings. As part of the apology, I tried to explain my actions and describe where I felt that I had been wrong. The friend was angered that I would try to explain. I can see how someone could use this sort of thing as a way to justify their actions, but I stated that I was trying to explain myself, not justify my actions.
So what have you, was I wrong to try to give an explanation? Apparently I was in this situation, but is an explanation generally inappropriate when apologizing?
*After slapping a soldier suffering from battle fatigue and on orders from Eisenhower, “Patton humbled himself before his soldiers. The apology was freely given-and freely accepted. He added, in his apology to the doctors, nurses, and enlisted men of the 93rd Evacuation Hospital, a story of a friend of his during WWI, who in a fit of depression, had committed suicide. He felt that “If someone had been rough with him and slapped some sense into him his life might have been spared.” He toured each division of his army and delivered an address to each.” (From here) It’s not the best example (I was inconsiderate, not abusive), but this is was what I thought of afterwards.
I think, generally, yes, it is inappropriate. Mainly because, if you need to apologise to someone, then chances are they aren’t in the best of moods to start with, and probably aren’t going to quickly see the distinction between explanation and excuse.
I’ve found the most effective way of apologizing is simply “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” Trying to explain what you really meant, or why you did something usually conveys the message that you’re really just sorry that they’re mad, and not sorry for what you did or didn’t do.
All an apology should involve is “I was wrong, and I’m sorry for what I did. Please forgive me.” It may or may not be the case that on some future occasion you and that person might discuss what happened – but the person would have to ask for clarification, or indicate his or her willingness to discuss the matter further.
If you’re going to explain, it can only be in self-deprecating terms. “I’m sorry. I was wrong and I’m an ass. I don’t know what the hell came over me.”
The important thing is to say, “I’m sorry for what happened.” Explanations can come later.
But never use the politicians apology (e.g., If I offended anyone, I’m sorry), which makes it look like the one you’re apologizing to is the one in the wrong.
When I find myself in these situations - unfortunately, all too often - I usually say: “I was wrong and I apologize. I can offer some background on where I was coming from if you are interested, but there is no excuse, and it is most important that you understand that I get what I did was wrong - and I am sorry.”
If the person is looking for background, they have an opening right there. If they don’t pursue, I shut the hell up and let them dictate.
For my money, an apology is a statement of wrongdoing and a statement of regret. If someone regrets doing wrong, and is saying so, then I would consider it inappropriate for me to ask for further explanation. I would consider that to be going too far; a form of humiliation that’s more punitive than constructive.
Apologizing has got to be the most difficult thing in the world to do. I do think that most of the time we try to insert an explanation as a way of showing how we weren’t totally to blame and it wasn’t all our fault, etc. Most of the time we don’t or can’t make ourselves believe that we are and that it was. But occassionally we aren’t entirely to blame and it is hard for us not to cry out ‘No, you misunderstood me!’ or ‘You started it!’ But difficult as it is, we can only be responsible for our portion of the blame, apologize for it, try to forgive the other person if they won’t take their own responsibility for being partially wrong(no you cannot point it out to them if they don’t recognize it on their own) and move on, smug about our moral superiority.
If you seriously were very, very wrong, an ‘I’m sorry’ gift will get you more forgiveness than trying to explain yourself. Donuts and flowers are good choices.
Sometimes I add an explanation because I feel like the other party is totally bewildered as to why I would do the thing in question. I always pad it, though, with plenty of “please understand that this is not an excuse, what I did was awful and terrible and I shouldn’t have done it” etc on both ends and in the middle too.
I’ve never thought of giving an I’m-sorry gift, although the last really big fuckup I committed (there was a thread about it, which some may remember) was against my classmate; I didn’t buy a gift but I took her out for coffee and a Student’s Dinner (sub sandwich or a salad or somesuch) before our study sessions for a while.
Without details (which would bore the reader):
Last summer I had an incident with a co-worker where my actions were misinterpreted causing that co-worker much grief.
In my apology I took full responsibility, because I had been very unclear in what I had said and I had made assumptions about what my co-worker knew (and I was wrong in my assumptions).
I wrote an apology which he appreciated it greatly; he said ne now saw where I was coming from and understood how things got out of hand, and we remain friends.
