When I was married, I kept my name. Being now divorced, I’m pretty sure that when/if I marry again, I’ll take my husband’s name.
Why? It’s pretty personal for me. Looking back, I can say that the reason I kept my own name was because I didn’t want to give up my own sense of identity. I didn’t want to because “us”, I wanted to stay “me.” I don’t think I realized it at the time, but it’s pretty clear to me now.
At this point, I figure that I have no business marrying someone if the idea of presenting me and him to the whole world as one unified couple, signified by us having the same name, scares me. It’s a symbol to me.
Once again, this is my own personal opinion, applicable to me only. I beleive that other people can be happily married and keep their own names. For me, though, it ain’t true. I’ve got too much heritage/brainwashing/whatever in me that says a married couple should have the same name.
I took my husband’s name because my original name, when mispronounced as it always was, rhymed with my first name. We also decided it would be better to have one family name and both his parents were gone, so it felt right to have someone to carry his last name on. I use my maiden name as my middle name now.
Arnold:
You could use the same strategy. Choose your name or your wife’s as the family last name, and then whoever had to change keeps their old surname as a middle name. You could also use one surname as a last name and the other surname as a middle name for all the kids. (Isn’t that how they do it in Spain?)
Well, what follows is my personal opinion, of course, and I in no way feel that this should be applied to other relationships/marriages.
I am the last person who can carry on my grandfather’s branch of our family name (actually, that’s not completely true; I have one male cousin, but he’s gay). If my wife wants to keep her name, so be it. No problem with that.
My children will have my last name, and my last name alone. It’s long enough as it is, and I’m not going to saddle them with a hyphen and another name to tack on it. I fully realize that this is patriarchal in the extreme, but I’m sorry. That’s how it’s gonna be.
Nothing like a bad decision
Says who you are.
-Gin Blossoms, “Perfectly Still”
andros: Arnold Winkelried is one of the heroes of swiss independence from the battle of Sempach (1386). Sho 'nuff!
Do you choose andros to mean “man” ? And I must say I’m impressed by your memory of always remembering my “real” first name.
Missy, Athena, you both pretty much say the same thing. But Missy, doesn’t your husband belong to you too? Athena, if you’re a unified couple, why doesn’t your husband change his name? The reason that traditionally the woman changes her name is because women are considered to be the “submissive” partner in marriage. That’s what I’m trying to protest.
cher3 suggested changing the last name to be a middle name. So what about the middle names we already have? Or would that mean getting two middle names? And anyway the middle name is never seen by anybody, so loses a lot of visibility.
Holly says: What if you have three children?
Obviously my algorithm needs some work. I will hereby revise my rules:
Odd-numbered new family members (first, third) etc… get the mother’s last name.
Even-numbered (second, fourth, etc…) get the father’s last name.
Multiple arrivals count as 1. (e.g. twins get the same last name.)
Your argument that one person might be left out would apply to any other scheme as well, except maybe the hyphenated last name idea, which I don’t like.
BTW, when I started this topic, I was expecting a chorus of “ayes” signifying that my method was the most just, equitable and laudable. Where are those “ayes”?
When we got married, my wife kept her last name. Considering the rather bland nature of my last name, I couldn’t say I blamed her!
But… when she got pregnant with our son, SHE decided (absolutely no pressure from me, I swear) that (1) the child would have my last name and (2) she would take on my last name, so’s to match the child. We both nixed the idea of burdening our son with a double-barrelled last name (in her first marriage she hyphened her last name and hated it). So there are three of us with one last name.
Bottom line: Her decision. She doesn’t use her birth last name as a middle name, though (it’d be cool… we’d have the same initials), preferring to keep her original middle name.
Yes, the middle name isn’t as visible. I don’t use my original middle name anymore, just my former last name.
You just have to be more flowery and Latin, I guess. Your child could sign herself something like “Muffy Matilda Winkelreid y Humperdinck” or whatever.
Aren’t there customs in other countries that deal with this? Is it in Finland that sons take the father’s name (Winkelreidson) and girls take the mother’s name (Humperdincksdottir)? I don’t know what the next generation does, though. Maybe it’s the first name they take (Arnoldson? Matildasdottir) Hey, there’s an idea for you.
The only reason I don’t say aye to your scheme is that you are going to have to spend far too much time explaining it to everyone.
Arnold,
why no chorus of “Ayes”?
Well, first of all, that isn’t the way this message board tends to work. (Haven’t you noticed that?) By and large I think we are more likely to respond to threads if we think we have a different viewpoint than if we agree with everyone else.
Secondly, while we as individuals may agree with and respect any other persons choice of how to name their children and whether to hyphenate, keep maiden name or take spouses name, I think we find that it is simpler if the entire family has one name. (Is simpler neccessarily better? No, but it is much easier to address the “annual Christmas newsletter” or the wedding invitation to The Smith Family or Mr. and Mrs. John Smith than to John Smith, Mary Jones, Elanor Rigby and Joshua ???. (The ??? could be one of the previously listed names or something else entirely in this world of divorce and remarriage.))
Thirdly, I think that we think that tradition is often basically good. There is nothing horribly wrong with your suggestion. But, in the absence of a strong reason not to follow tradition, most of us will tend to follow tradition. Times do change, but slowly. My maternal grandmother, a widow, preferred for a long time to be addressed on letters as Mrs. George Johnson. My mother prefers Mrs. Diane Nelson to Mrs. Joshua Nelson. No one would find it terribly odd if my twentyish sister-in-law prefered Ms Tiffany Sorenson to Mrs. Tiffany Nelson, but neither do they find it odd the other way.
(note: in case you can’t tell, none of the names listed above belong to real people, or at least, they don’t belong to people related to me in the ways specified above).
I like my family and my name and I have no intention of changing it. I identify with it and so it shall stay. It may be confusing to others, but that’s not my problem.
Yeah, that’s reasonable. The only thing is the irony, though. I mean, unless your family name is your mother’s.
How is it ironic? My mom took my dad’s name, so that is my family name! Had they chose to hyphenate (fat chance in 1953) I would proudly wear both names. I just hate to be presumptuous…that’s why Justin has both names. He digs it, by the way. He’s 23.
but I think there the woman is required by law to take the husbands name…
My thoughts on the matter…Isn’t a family a unit? Do you really want to have to explain to a 4 yr old why their last name is not the same as yours? Seems to me one last name…be it yours or hers…would be the best way.
But that’s just my opinion…we all know what opinions are like…
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Harry S. Truman
I don’t believe women are required anywhere in the US to take their husband’s names, certainly a law like that wouldn’t hold up in court. Anyway, just thought I’d mention that it’s common in some Indian cultures for Dad to keep his name, Mom to keep hers and the child to have a different one entirely. As far as I can tell this doesn’t cause Indian children any great distress.
Personally, I would go with the hyphenated names. If they do indeed grow up to marry a Rakowski-Skowronski, they can decide for themselves how to handle it.
I kept my last name when I married, until we had kids. Then I changed it to my husband’s last name. I would think it would be a real hassle to have a different last name from your kids. I’ve noticed that all the women I knew who kept their maiden names after marriage gave their husbands’ names to the kids. And most of these women still do most of the childcare, which means that school staff and others have to try to remember what the heck the mom’s last name is to try to contact her. In our house I probably do 40% of the childcare and my husband does closer to 60%. It’s a lot easier to all have the same last name, whether it’s the mom’s, the dad’s, or a new RainbowSong name. Having worked in a clinic, I know that looking up patients with hyphenated names is a hassle, too. Half the time they are filed by the name before the hyphen, and the other half the time it’s the name after the hyphen. Not meaning to disrespect those who identify strongly with their own last names, there are other ways to show your independence and identity than having a unique last name in your family.
Just to post one very strange thing. There is a guy where I work who has three kids. None of the five people in this family have the same last name. His wife kept her name. They named each of the three kids with different last names altogether. I have heard two different explanations for this. The first, and hopefully true, one is that they named them all with old family names that had died out. Second is that they just named them with whatever sounded good.
In any event, I don’t know him well enough to know what problems this has caused, but I can certainly tell you that while he is generally considered pretty smart, he is universally considered very strange.
It’s in Iceland, and it’s the first names they use, otherwise their name would become rather cumbersome after a few generations (Johnsonsonsonson). I like the Icelandic way mainly because it must feel more personal to be listed under your first name in the phone book.
As for the OP, I’d give the child the name that:
[ul][li]Rhymes with/sounds like the least number of naughty words. (don’t forget initials)[/li][li]Sounds cooler.[/li][li]Is easier to pronounce/spell. (bonus points for foreign languages)[/li][li]Is the least common.[/ul][/li]
