I get what you’re saying. A couple things: it didn’t have to occur to him because the idea was already put in his head (“I dunno, maybe get the baby those soft books they like to chew on? The oldest loves Hot Wheels.”); the utterly dismissive declaration that “that one” isn’t related to him really bothered me; the fact that he’s not related to anybody either kind of compounded the whole thing because, in my mind, he of all people should realize that DNA (which, again, he doesn’t share with any of my kids) isn’t really necessary. That whole family is crazy blended with the father being on his third wife. None of the children (my husband and his siblings) are related, there are half and step family all over the place, and it sort of felt like he was singling my kid out.
Plus, like I said, he’s a dick for a lot of reasons and the fact that I already didn’t like him much probably influenced my (totally internal, because I’m polite if nothing else) reaction.
On the other hand, I don’t have a lot of step relations in my family. My sister’s husband brought a preteen daughter into their relationship and it never occurred to me to NOT get her something, even when they were in the not married but pretty serious stage; her birthdays, Christmas, etc have always been equally as important as the other kids’.
I’d say yes: extended family should include stepchildren. A friend of mine’s mother married a second husband and had two more kids with him; every year his step-grandparents sent four-person “family” passes to an amusement park, and his mom, stepdad, and two half-brothers would happily traipse off to the park, leaving him behind. He always found this very hurtful. I say kids are kids and should be included where possible, blood relatives or not. Who cares if my friend would also get presents from his biological father’s family?
I have always been pretty strict about this type of thing maybe because my family has mastered the art of divorce and remarriage or maybe just because I am an ass but I don’t care because it is the way I see the world. Step siblings or other step relatives do not count as real relatives in my world and I get just as pissed at people that try to force them on me as some people do when someone leaves theirs out. Some people in my family feel like they are just the same as real relatives and some people think they are just glorified friends and maybe just temporary ones at that. I just started telling people, including my own parents that I don’t can who they choose to share a bed with, it does not retroactively change everyone else’s real family structure.
I have a very large family and thier are several step children involved. We put an age cap on presents for Christmas that stops at 12. All the children are treated equally. Being treated equally is more important than the actual gifts involved. It seemed like my moms step grandchildren took her death harder than her biological grandchildren.
It’s hard to be a step-child, and a step-parent. There are often feelings of inadequacy and guilt in the children. There are territoriality issues and power struggles. The last thing you want to do is call any attention to the otherness of the step-relationships.
My step-mother’s family always treated me just like any other child. I can hardly imagine otherwise. Should we not consider each other family, just because we aren’t genetically related? What about adopted children? Do they count as real grandchildren?
I do think there’s an age cut-off somewhere. That is, if the step-kids are not really children at the time they become relatives, then you’re not going to have the same relationship. I’d guess that would be somewhere in the teens, but it’s going to vary. Certainly if my mother were to remarry someone who has adult children, I wouldn’t really consider them siblings the way I consider my step-mother’s family as my cousins and aunts and uncles because we didn’t grow up together.
Your mother in law is a douchebag. Maybe you can’t change that but you don’t have to sit there ant take it either. Maybe your kids won’t mind or maybe they will but you might (subconsciously) end up trying to make it up to your older kids by being more generous to them and fuck everything up. Cut her out of your life until she can learn how to behave like an adult.
If you tolerate this and your kids end up feeling like red headed step children then that will be your fault not your mother in law’s.
Do you really think your kids don’t notice that they aren’t getting anything from their new mom’s family? Your mother in law is supposed to be the adult here, why the FUCK is everyone so concerned about sparing her feelings?
So if your older ones, on their own, are jealous or hurt by this ol biddy’s gift giving, get them some new video game or something afterwards. Joke about it and say she would have picked a Justin Bieber game (or some other awful thing). Deflect is what I mean. Don’t let your aggravation at her make them feel awkward and uncomfortable.
I would also suggest that you let your older one give her a gift. Perhaps a box of chocolates or a potted plant. If she has some decency, she will take notice and appreciate the gesture, perhaps even reciprocating in the future.
It is a token gesture, no need to be a one way street. Do unto others n’at.
Being a redheaded stepchild is what turned me OldnCrinkly.
I don’t get why you want to make a fuss about it if your older kids aren’t bothered by the situation. Especially since there’s a significant age difference. I somehow doubt a 13 yo is going to feel strongly about the gifts a 3 yo is getting and whether or not this is “equal”. Even amongst true siblings, a 7 to 12 years age difference means they’re completely worlds apart.
Especially since they’re perfectly able to understand that grandma isn’t their biological grandma, and might feel differently about her real grandchildren and even might want to make this difference clear to them (her actual gradchildren, I mean). That’s not rocket science to explain if they ever mention it (assuming that it would even require any explanation).
A tempest in a teapot, I say. Grandma’s behaviour wouldn’t even register as wrong to me without giving the issue quite a bit of thought, and I’m not even sure I’d come to this conclusion.
My first reaction was “yes”, but I still think in terms of remarried widow(er)s rather than mixed families. In this case since your oldests aren’t bothered, I think that trying to push it would just spoil a relationship which they are perfectly happy with: a relationship doesn’t have to be kittens and rainbows to be fine.
My guess is your wife’s grandmother understands evolutionary biology, at least instinctively, and does not want to give up scarce resources supporting genes that she knows are not hers.
:mad: I have said repeatedly that it would be preferable to the status quo if she spent the same amount of money total or less, or none at all, just as long as it was no longer uneven.
I think that is pretty fucked up, regardless; but just as a point of clarification, I misspoke: there are no step-siblings in my family. They are blood siblings, though technically “half-siblings”.
I get that, but down that rabbit hole lies shit like male lions killing cubs to drive their mothers back into heat. Humans are supposed to be civilised.
It should be pointed out too that her lawyer husband–my wife’s dad’s stepfather–is where her resources come from. So when she writes a check to (for) her biological great-grandchildren, that are not his blood relations: from that strict EvPsych perspective, is she not cuckolding him?
Or what about my aunt (my mom’s sister)? Her husband has always been called my uncle, but he is not a blood relation either. Didn’t stop my aunt from picking out gifts for my sister and me when we were growing up that his salary paid for. Why is that kind of non-blood relation treated differently? We use the same word as if he were an actual brother to one of my parents, instead of a guy they never met until they were all well into adulthood. Yet two kids my wife has helped raise since age four and seven, who are blood (half) siblings to her biological offspring, are the Other?
Just to add to that, if this was causing jealously/conflict between the children you could probably go to her and legitimately say “look, this is causing drama in our household, would you mind…”. But it doesn’t appear it is and you seem to see it more as a matter of principle. However be aware that these are your principles, not hers. You can look at the posts above and see that the situation evokes a variety of different opinions, so it may seem cut and dried to you, but don’t expect everyone (or more particularly your wife’s grandmother) to see it that way.
In the OP, you seem to be saying that the older kids **do **get presents from their maternal grandparents. The fact that those gifts stay at their mothers house is neither here nor there.
If the older kids get jealous at the younger kids receiving gifts from your wife’s grandmother, surely all you have to do is remind them of the gifts they’ve received from their maternal grandparents?
Most of the later arrivers do. The earlier responses struck me as more supportive.
I acknowledged that point in the OP because I think it is the only real argument on the other side (except for very disturbing Darwinian rationales that would also apply to a biological offspring who was disabled in some way that made them unable to reproduce). But the fact that you see “out of sight, out of mind” as completely invalid or inapplicable is something I don’t get. As I said, if she came to visit when the older kids were at their mother’s house, spoiled the younger ones at that time, and gave them things that either got used up or were put away when the older kids were back at our house, that would be acceptable in my mind–although not laudable.
Instead, what she expects is to get home delivery of her biological great-grandchildren, without requiring any effort or travel on her part. The older step great-grandchildren are along for the ride and will be treated civilly and so on but are obviously in some second-class, tag-along position. Then later in the same trip, we will be visiting my wife’s other grandparents (including one who is a “double-step” as she is her father’s stepmother) who will fuss over all four and spoil all four and who regularly give gifts to all four. I don’t see why this particular not-so-great great-grandmother gets the same home delivery.
It is now a moot point in any case, as my wife emailed her about it and got an outraged response that basically cut ties to our family. I am sure it is just a coincidence that after striking these two off the list, she now does not see six of her eight biological great-grandchildren due to feuds with her children and grandchildren. (The mother of the remaining two, my wife’s cousin, has told my wife that she strongly supports our position and will tell her grandmother so if she asks about it.)