Should I confront my friend?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Just wondering what you think I should do.

I have a friend that I have from secondary school (we’re mid thirties now). We’ve ended up living in different countries but we write emails almost every day about what’s going on in our lives, which is something I really value.

The problem is that I really don’t agree with the way she is living her life. I haven’t seen her happy for years and she seems to be just throwing her life away. She has an unchallenging admin job for four days a week and isn’t interested in having a career. However, she has no hobbies apart from some amount of reading and being very into pop culture, TV and fantasising about celebrities. Her weekends are often spent alone and when I ask her what she has done I get replies like “organised the files on my computer, did some cleaning and watched x, y or z on TV”.

Now, I don’t want to judge people’s life-style and I think some people might be happy like this, but I don’t get any much happiness from her. In fact, she is constantly complaining about being neglected and ignored and how others don’t care about her. Especially people with partners and/or babies get accused of this. Well that may be - I think to myself - but nothing is stopping you from getting out there and finding some new friends who are more compatible with your single woman life-style. You might even find a man and have your own family, if that’s what you want.

I have made many suggestions to her of the “why, don’t you?” variety. Do a Spanish course? Visit another city? Write a book? Learn to Salsa? And so on. But she either shoots them down on some pre-text or she completely ignores that part of the mail. And it’s getting to the point where I feel I can’t keep my mouth shut any more. It’s not even that I don’t want to listen to her compain - I complain a lot to her an she’s always there for me, and I’m happy to do the same for her in principle. But it kills me to see a beautiful, intelligent, kind young woman sit there in her little apartment and waste her one and only life. I want to shake her and say: “Do something!! for fuck’s sake”. I’m actually quite angry in a way.

I know that others have suggested she see a counselor, but she didn’t want to hear of it as “how will talking about misery help?”, in short, she is resistant to that idea. I myself haven’t expressed on opinion on it, because she was so dismissive.

What I want to say to her is basically: You haven’t been happy for many years. You need to change something. If you feel you can’t, you do need to get some professional help to do it. But please please please, don’t go on like this". I’d need to say it this bluntly, though, because all subtler attempts have failed. I’m afraid to do that because she might get hurt or angry - it could potentially cause a big fight and sometimes I think that if she doesn’t want to change then what’s the point of me getting all preachy and ruining a friendship? Should I confront her? Or, having offloaded this onto you guys, continue to talk about day-to-day things and trying to gently nudge her? Or perhaps I should lessen the email contact and back off.

Advice?

2

My experience is that it is difficult or impossible to get someone to truly perceive these things from a different perspective. I don’t hold high hopes that you would achieve your desired goal.

3

Don’t confront her. If you do she’ll only resent you for “forcing” her to be someone she does not want to be.

She knows why her life sucks and what she has to do to make things better. It’s not like you’re the only person in the world who can come up with the brilliant idea of “go out and meet new people.” She knows about this, but doesn’t want to do it. For whatever reason she has decided that it is not worth the effort.

If she doesn’t want to meet new people, and spends time a lot of time by herself, then you are probably one of her few friends. I would not use the time she spends with you to criticize her life. I would tell her that if she ever wants help, you’ll be there for her. Then I wouldn’t do anything until she asks.

4

You can say it to her. You are one of her oldest friends. Be aware though, that there will be a price - you will probably lose her friendship, at least for a time, maybe forever.

5

Here’s the thing, I get these sorts of comments from a few people in my life from time to time. There is some truth to it, but it’s also a limited perspective. Some of the things that I do that seem like they’re not all that fulfilling to other people actually are, and a lot of the things that other people seem to think would be fulfilling for me are things I would probably find boring or even actively hate. So, when people say “oh, you don’t go out enough, you should go to bars, take dancing lessons, yadda yadda”, I take it as a sign of legitimate concern on their part, but also a sign that they don’t really understand what interests and motivates me.

The real thing to focus on isn’t about what she is or isn’t doing, but how it’s making her feel and what she thinks she can do about it. For instance, using myself again, I do have several hobbies and interests I spend my time on; I’m an introvert, so I don’t go out much and would rather focus on my hobbies. So when people think me spending time alone focusing on those things is unfulfilling and I should go do something more social, they just don’t understand. Rather, when people see that I’m unhappy about particular aspects of my life and engage me on those, I’m going to be more receptive to them.

So, for your friend, talk to her about how she feels, how fulfilled she is in her life, what she’s unhappy about and what she can improve. What are her dreams? What is she doing to pursue those dreams? All you can do is direct her focus on those things, but you can’t actually make her do anything and, chances are, trying to force her to do those things will probably just be met with more resistance.

And sometimes people aren’t particularly happy, but they’re well enough off that they’re comfortable with life and are perhaps scared that making changes would either take a lot of effort or risk making them worse off. If that’s the case here, there really isn’t anything you can do but just talk to her about how she feels and she’ll eventually get tired of it and change or she won’t.

The only thing I would really say you should consider poking her hard on would be stuff that she complains about being bad but doesn’t change. That is, if she has no career aspirations, telling her to get a better job won’t do much. But if, for instance, she is single and constantly complains about it but doesn’t make any effort to meet anyone, even if it’s just going out or doing online dating or whatever, that’s where nudging her will probably do the most good since it’s where her conscious focus is.

Basically, if she has a bunch of nebulous complaints, which is what it sounds like, its never going to amount to anything and, in fact, listening to her complaining about it can even be counter-productive by enabling that behavior. If she feels alone, complains to you about feeling alone, that makes her feel a bit less alone and lets her continue doing what she’s doing and just repeats whenever it gets a little too much. That’s where you can do a lot of good, getting her to really figure out on her own what specific things are generating that unhappiness. And, the thing is, based on what you said, I think a direct confrontation probably won’t her much good, all you really need to do is just focus and redirect the conversation when it comes up.

You’d probably have a much better time talking to her about all this kind of stuff over the phone, or at least in a chat or instant message, since emails will tend to be streams of consciousness and difficult or impossible to focus in the same way. Either way, good luck.

6

I’m kind of in the same camp as Blaster Master.
I love my home. My home is my castle, dammit! :slight_smile: I’m perfectly fine spending my days off laying on my couch watching tv, reading, or playing on the Internet.

I also have no problem throwing back a six pack while watching my favorite TV shows completely alone. I’m sure this last bit, lots of people would find troubling. But I’m just not getting it. I’m enjoying myself.

I think the big difference between myself (and BM) and your long time friend is that I’m not bitching about my lifestyle. I’m perfectly content with it.

So I’m not sure how you should deal with your friend. I do advise extreme caution though. Going down this path could make you seem judgemental which I’m sure would not be received well.

ETA: Forgot to add: Single living alone, you simplly MUST have pet(s). I’d go bat shit crazy if I didn’t have my dogs or cats to keep me company. So maybe your friend needs a puppy? :slight_smile:

7

Simple answer, no. The reason is the word you used in the question, ‘confront’. You may want to discuss this with your friend, but you have no business confronting this person about this matter.

8

Another perspective could be that she’s depressed. I know that when I’m going through periods like that (and worse), my life gets very small. If I’m able to do anything around the house, that’s good. And because someone is asking about what all I’m accomplishing, I feel it’s necessary to bring up as much minutia as possible to make it sound like I’m not completely falling apart. So, not saying that what’s happening, but just an idea.

Now, as to what you should do? If you truly are close, you could try broaching it with her once and just let her know you’re concerned. Beyond that, I’d let it go. I’m sure she knows how she comes across and is trying to deal with whatever is going on.

9

Just to be clear on this. I do completely sympathize with introverted homebodies. I can see not wanting to go to some noisy disco to “meet guys” and preferring a night in with the latest from HBO and a bottle of wine. Everyone is different I am not trying to judge her life-style for not being some glamorous Facebookable party-fest. But I can (or at least believe I can) tell the difference between a life-style preference and being blocked and unhappy.

Things that concern me are statements like: “I prefer to fantasize about unattainable celebrities because they don’t let you down”, in seriousness. Or another which was “I like it when it’s raining because there’s no pressure to have fun stuff going on”. It makes me sad, you know. And yes, Faithfool, I’ve always wondered about depression.

10

Oh and I liked Blaster Master’s advice of tackling specific stuff that she complains about, rather than maybe going off on a big rant about how she is wasting her entire life, which might not go over too well-

11

Remember that Mars-Venus thing that women complaining does not always mean they want a real world solution, sometimes they just want to be heard. Based on the context you describe this sounds like that scenario. She is not looking for a fix, you need to understand that.

While it is true she may be wasting her most “marketable” years if she *really *wants a relationship, the flip side is that if she wanted it enough and is not mentally compromised she understands it takes very little effort to hop online to any one of number of online dating services. Unless you are supermodel or just insanely hot this is a primary (certainly not the only) route any rational person looking for a relationship would take these days. If she is not willing to take even this step she’s just bellyaching and does not really want to engage the work (and it is work) involved finding a relationship.

In the end you need to look at what people DO not what they say. She’s just complaining and does not want to engage a solution. She may never want to engage a solution. If they only way she will accept a relationship is if it’s delivered to her she has a long wait ahead.

If you force the issue you will humiliate her and possibly lose her as a friend. You have no power in this scenario other than being a sympathetic ear. If you step beyond that role into aggressive confrontation over her decision to be passive she will ignore you and possibly drop you as friend.

Beyond all that, if you are determined to force the issue there is an article that was published two years ago. It was mildly tongue in cheek and fairly confrontational, but a surprising number of people agreed that it spoke truth to power. A number of women hated it’s “here’s your problem” tone, but a number of women also agreed with the main premise of being realistic about what is achievable in the real world.

You can send her the article just as a joke. Get her take on it. Her response will point you to where her head is actually at re breaking out of her rut.

12

Apparently the article was so popular she turned it into a book

13

I have a friend who is a devout Christian. He’s a teacher but he votes republican. He doesn’t believe in evolution. He thinks homosexuality is against gods will. He thinks I might be going to hell because I’m an atheist. He tithes. He thinks abortion is wrong in all cases. He tells me to read the bible, but when I bring up specific violent or vile passages, he gets very defensive.

I just want to shake him and say “stop falling for this non-sense!” Now, he doesn’t talk to me as much. What do you value more? Your friendship or what you feel is the right thing for her?

14

People almost never respond well to attempts to TELL them what to do. Most people are smart enough to figure out what they “should” do on their own without someone else telling them.
Instead, trying ASKING her what she thinks she can do about these things htat make her unhappy. For example, when she complains about how she is being neglected by others, ask her about her ideas on how she can deal with that or change the situation. Try to get her to talk about what she sees as being the obstacle to doing something about her situation.