What should I do to help my friend? Or should I just leave her to it

In My Humble Opinion
1

This post is part letting off steam and part advice soliciting. It has turned out a bit long, but I know some of you enjoy advising so here it goes.

I have a friend from my hometown (I live in a different country now) to whom I talk on email almost every day. She’s one of my best and oldest friends and we discuss the small and big things that are happening in our lives.

In these mails she regularly complains that nothing ever happens in her life. This means in her life in general and then more particularly she complains that she doesn’t have a love life and everyone else does. Now, my friend is very attractive and fun and intelligent and kind and generally eleven kinds of dateable. Thing is, she doesn’t get out of her house!

So every time this rant surfaces I suggest, carefully, that maybe she do a course or get a hobby: join a language class, dance school, creative writing, a sport, anything to get a change of scenery, to get her out there. But she usually ignores that part of my mail or if the suggestion is particular she makes some kind of problem (“yes, but in salsa you have all that crap of looking for a partner”) which is then used as a reason not to pursue it. I’ve also suggested internet dating, but that was dismissed as “not my thing”.

Now, I know that there are many people on these boards who are genuine introverts and who prefer to stay at the computer, with their books and their television series. I respect that. But I just don’t feel my friend is happy with the ways things are, but she seems to be unwilling or unable to change. She says she would like more friends and possibly a man in her life and, even if she isn’t going up the walls about it, would also prefer to have kids. We are in our mid-thirties and just want to shake her and say “Do something with your life! Friends and men are there, but they won’t just knock on your door!”

So to the advice part. Should I actually do this, shake her, push my advice on her with more force? However, I feel she will get angry or defensive. She has often talked about mutual friends “looking down on her” for not having a glamorous life. Maybe they do, but maybe these friends just tried to tell her what I am, minus the diplomacy. I’m afraid I’ll push her away if she feels I’m “judging” her.

Or I could keep up my current trickle of diplomatic nudges and hope one day something will catch?

Or should I just mind my own business and accept that she is an adult entitled to live her life as she sees fit?

Any other ideas?

2

One bit of advice I usually see is something like sympathizing with her a bit, then asking, “and what are you going to do about it?” If she sounds confused or starts to complain that it’s not her fault, try to find some gentle phrasing to remind her that a boyfriend/travel opportunity/fun hobby/whatever isn’t going to knock on her door and introduce itself. Instead of suggesting things that she gets to shoot down and thus “prove” that hooray, she’s right and everyone’s wrong, and it’s not her fault, you push the ball back into her court.

Then if she goes back to a favorite whining topic, you can try steering her back to what she’s been doing about it. At the very least it might shut down repetitive complaints, and the thought might sink in that she has some control over the situation.

3

I’m not necessarily suggesting you actually do this, but how would she react if you emailed her essentially what you have written here, and asked her what you should do?

4

I’m sort of with Thudlow Boink on this. Make it clear that you love her and just want to see her happy. It may not help though. If she is suffering from depression, she may need more than you can give her, especially since you’re so far away from her.

5

Ah well, we humans are complex creatures. Odd as it seems we cannot take rational advice from our friends and relations. Granted that is a gross generalisation but your friend fits.

What is required is subtlety. A way of encouraging her to join a group or online dating, whatever works.

Firstly you need to consider what the core problem is. Possibly she is afraid - sounds like it. Lack of self esteem, lack of confidence, self doubt, disbelief that she can be attractive, suspicion that people will disrespect her, or people yet to be known (strangers) are threatening.

Or maybe its the opposite - she has high self-regard and doesn’t think anyone worthy will cross her path. Have a look at online dating profiles: many men and women profess great self confidence. IMHO mostly they are fooling themselves thinking its an attractive image to project. In reality most people experience self-doubt and have faults but generally they are good citizens.

Its an old saw but true: honesty is the best policy.

6

Suggest she get a dozen cats and prepare for spinsterhood. Or get off her ass and do something. One of those will probably change her life for the better. Or at least get some stray cats off the street.

7

I like that idea a lot. I’ll probably give that a go.

Incidentally, I think it is interesting that not what you’d expect said about depression. I’ve often wondered if she suffers from that.

In general, the problem from my perspective is not so much that I get bored of the moaning. Or, at least, she has listened to my long and boring love drama’s and has given me some great advice so we’re pretty even. Just that I want to see her happier than she is, and I think it is possible but I don’t know how to get it through sometimes without her putting the walls up.

8

Wouldn’t it be creepy if men started knocking on your door presenting themselves as potential boyfriends?

9

After giving people advice for 6 decades, I have reached a conclusion. This is my new mantra: “I don’t know what is best for anyone else.” I really don’t. You know what you would like her to do, namely, stop complaining and do something about the stuff she’s complaining about. But you don’t know if that’s what’s best for her.

So you might say to her, “It bothers me that you seem so unhappy, but I truly don’t know what’s best for you.”

That shows you care but leaves the ball in her court.

10

I’ve never heard that before. I like it and I’m going to try to remember it!

11

This is fantastic advice from Ferret Herder and one I’ve used myself with my mother-in-law to great success.

The problem with offering solutions yourself, is that her response will always be a negative one. But when you stop offering the solutions and start asking her for her ideas, it turns the probelm around.

You might want to have a second statement in your pocket, which is ‘What are your options?’. So it tends to go…

‘That sounds really tricky. What are you going to do about it?’
‘Oh, I don’t know.’
‘What are your options?’
‘Well,…’

And even if she doesn’t come up with anything, you can at least end that part of the conversation by saying, ‘I hope you’re able to come up with something,’ then move on to something else.

12

I think the traditional advice for when someone bitches about a problem, but then does nothing about it, is to

  1. Offer solutions;
  2. Ask probing questions designed to spark insight (“what do you think would help you get out more?”); and
  3. After the friend predictably does nothing, firmly but gently refuse to engage any further (“Cindy, we’ve talked about this a number of times, but as far as I can tell, you haven’t taken action to solve these problems. I don’t want to discuss this again.”).
13

My experience is that there is a “desire” spectrum that goes from “would be nice” to “want bad enough to take action”.
What tends to happen is that people start to “want” things in their life more and more, but the desire isn’t enough to quite push them to the “take action” step. A LOT of people then end up in this limbo of “wanting” (and complaining and whining) about things (to whoever will listen), but don’t want them enough to actually do “something” to pursue obtaining/achieving whatever it is. The most common form of this is the formulation of excuses/reasons why any suggested action cannot be pursued. In some cases, there is some underlying “condition” that contributes to these excuses (being shy, for example). But the most common reasons for avoiding any action really boils down to either: fear of change (complacency) or whatever it is, isn’t “that” important to them (not important “enough” to take action/risk).

This is further complicated by the phenomenon that then many of these people convince themselves that sharing their frustrations about their desires (what is missing from their life), and soliciting advice from others, “is” “taking action”. But it is really just whining and complaining (and shooting down every suggestion given). So they “feel” they are “doing something” toward achieving their goals, yet still not achieving anything.

I believe your friend is in this limbo. So you need to decide just how “close” your friend is to really wanting any of these things in her life to actually take some action/steps. And if you don’t feel she’s any closer, then point this out to her: that she shouldn’t continue complaining about what is missing in her life if she is unwilling to do anything about it (and that telling you about what is missing in her life doesn’t “count” as doing “something” about it).

If you really feel she is truly miserable in wanting these things, then instead of giving suggestions or advice, you may want to shift gears and explore a bit more of why she is reluctant to attempt any of the things you have suggested. Drill down into just “why” she won’t consider pursuing whatever. Play the “and if that happens, then what ?” game. Rather than just accept her excuse, dig down to find out the root belief/fear giving “weight” to the excuse.

14

Sounds like depression to me. I like the “what are you going to do about it” approach, followed up with “is that what you really want?”

I was in a similar place as your friend a few years ago. What finally drew me out of my cocoon was A) getting some therapy and B) the bitter loneliness. I’m introverted and a little bit shy sometimes, so “join a club, take a class” scared the crap out of me. Then this new chick came to work where I work. I kept running into her and her husband at happy hours, and really liked them. One day, they invited me to a party at their house, so I went. I met a bunch of new people and realized the secret was simply making new friends. I didn’t meet the love of my life that night, but there were other parties and happy hours, I felt safe with this couple, and they kept inviting new people, who also brought in new people. Eventually, I had my choice of several different candidates for dating purposes and haven’t been back to that “my future is the creepy cat lady down the street” place since.

So if you feel compelled to do anything, just invite her out to events or parties or whatever where there will be a mixed bag of people: straight, gay, married, single, whatever. If she won’t show up or does and refuses to interact with anyone new, that’s her choice.

15

I think part of this is going to be figuring out what your own boundaries are, here. If you’re okay with the way things are, knowing that your on-going gentle nudges will be shot down, then you can accept that this is the way of your friendship, not expect anything to change, and be good with that.

On the other hand, if the constant complaining and learned helplessness is wearing you out, then you’ll need to let her know that, gently or not (up to you). In this case, I like Ferret Herder’s “and what are you going to do about it?” Once she starts in on how she’s helpless, it’s not her fault, or whatever, you can tell her that 1> she has the power to get out there and meet people if she wants to, and 2> if she doesn’t want to, that’s fine, but you really don’t want to hear her bitch about it anymore.

And then stick to that. If she complains again, either completely ignore it, or mention again that she has already heard your advice, you’re done repeating yourself, and please stop bringing it up because your advice isn’t going to change.

Also, perhaps suggest to her that she look into seeing someone for depression, or more specifically to address the complaints she’s been sending to you. She may ignore that too, but it’s worth a shot.