How do you deal with someone who's depressed?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Disclaimer: I’m going to use “he” in the generic sense because I hate writing stuff like “s/he” and phrasing to be non-sex specific hurts my head. If there is something about depression that is specific to either sex as a whole, please make that clear to me. Thanks.

Someone I know is depressed - well, I’m pretty sure he’s depressed. I’m not sure if he’s been diagnosed, but his symptoms are a close match to what I’ve read about depression.

I want to help this person - he’s in a difficult situation right now. But I’m not sure how to be a help. One side of me wants to say “Grow up! Quit whining! Take some action!” Another side is kinder, wanting to be supportive and compassionate. I want to suggest therapy or medication, but I’m not qualified to diagnose, and I could be completely wrong. Still, I like to fix things, or at least make them better - it hurts to watch him suffer.

So, what are the do-and-don’t guidelines? If he asks for help or advice, do I have to be careful what I say or how I say it? Would it be wrong of me to offer unsolicited guidance? Should I just be a sounding board, or will that come across as being patronizing? Should I try to cheer him up or let him cry on my shoulder or distract him?

Please - if you or someone close to you has been thru this, I need guidance. If I can’t help, I’ll accept that, but I don’t want to wake up one day thinking “I could have helped if I’d just…”

Thanks.

2

Depressive, here.

The keyword in all this is “support”, FCM. When the person in question starts seriously to get into self-destructive behaviour (which includes not eating, or not eating properly), it is time to start directing the person toward a medical practitioner. If the person doesn’t seem to recognise there is a problem, or just says he wants to see things through to some conclusion that could, even if only in your opinion, mean suicide – go to the professionals yourself. Support is required for yourself, as well as the person suffering the depression.

Unless you are a qualified counsellor or medical professional – trying to manage the course of someone else’s depression is a minefield.

3

As someone whose been there; mom had depression for most my childhood life and others I know suffer from it. The best thing you can do is to just be there. He can’t conceive that you can understand because at the moment all that a depressed person can see is their own misery so don’t act like you do.

Telling him that he seems depressed and you think a trip to the doctor is good, won’t hurt. Whether or not he does this is a different story but it shows you care. You can print this also and give it to him or give him this web-sight; if he’s interested, he’ll do it. It’s an online depression screening test.

http://www.med.nyu.edu/Psych/screens/depres.html
Until he decides to do something about it on his own, there isn’t much else you can do.

4

How close is your relationship? If you’re pretty close, I’d go with a straightforward approach. Tell him why you are concerned–the behaviors you’ve noticed that make you think he’s depressed–and just ask him, “Are you feeling depressed?”
The first answer you’re likely to hear is no, he’s not depressed, he’s just (tired, worn out, bored, etc). Those are symptoms of depression too, but it may take a bit of gentle talk on your part to remind him of that.
Ask him how you can help best–does he want you to try to cheer him up, or does he need a shoulder to cry on? He’ll probably not have a good idea right now, but it will give you a starting point, and it will remind him that someone IS willing to help out as needed. Check back with him after he’s had time to mull it over.
I don’t know if he’ll be receptive, but I’d certainly recommend therapy if I was this concerned about someone. Remember to keep yourself healthy in this, too, FCM…and remember that love and good intentions can only heal someone to a certain degree–then it is time for professional help.
You’re a good friend. ((hugs))
Best,
karol

5

I’m someone who is depressed at the moment, thanks to a completely unexpected lay-off. Yesterday was, quite frankly, hell. So, let me answer your question from the other side.

If your friend’s anything like me, he may be kicking himself because he isn’t bouncing back and taking action. Be supportive but firm. If you’ve noticed a pattern, point it out. Clinical depression is a disease and there are effective treatments. It does not carry a stigma among reasonable human beings.

Here’s my take:
[ul][li]** If he asks for help or advice, do I have to be careful what I say or how I say it?**[/li]FairyChatMom, if you talk like you post, I’d say your talking like you normally do will do just fine. Be alert for the usual signals, of course. Your friend may have some hot-button issues which really do need to be addressed, but if he reacts strongly against them, don’t push it.
[li]Would it be wrong of me to offer unsolicited guidance?[/li]Given what I’ve seen of your advice on this board, no. Just don’t let it be the only thing you two talk about. It gets boring after a while! :wink:

[li]**Should I just be a sounding board, or will that come across as being patronizing? **[/li]Your friend’s mileage may vary, but sometimes talking about what’s wrong, bringing it out into the open, lets me get deeper into what’s wrong and work at it a bit. Again, I know nothing about your friends history, but when I’m in a depression, it brings back old feelings that no one was listening to me, no one could hear me. Serving as a sounding board is one of the best things you can do. Better yet (and to help your frustration if your friend’s on about the same issue for the dozenth time), ask a few probing questions.

[li]**Should I try to cheer him up or let him cry on my shoulder or distract him? **[/li]All of the above as needed and as appropriate. Laughter, even it hurts, is healing, as are tears. Distractions, sometimes, can serve as a marvelous way of getting the person out of a cycle. Last year a friend of mine was stuck in a depression, and talking, comfort, etc. weren’t working, so I kidnapped him. I turned up at his place after work, complete with fencing swords, and informed him we were going on one of his favorite walks, after which he was going to eat a good dinner. It worked. At least for that evening.
[/ul]

FairyChatMom, based on what I’ve read of you, you’re a good, compassionate person, and a good friend to have. You won’t be able to fix your friend and make him better, but you can make it easier. If you know of a good therapist, recommend one. If not, stand by him while he finds one (I called 5 therapists before getting the one I have now, and you would not believe how frustrating it got at times!). Also, if you need help or support, my e-mail address is in my profile. Please feel free to use it.

Good luck, and take care,
CJ

6

Please, FCM, whatever you do DON’T do the former. It is the best way to make them defensive and more withdrawn than before.

What I always found was helpful for me was someone asking me how they could help, or asking me to explain how I felt. This was best done at a time that I was mostly under control and NOT heavily depressed - if they asked at a time that I was prone to being upset, I would be likely to start crying and be unable to express myself very well.

The way to bring things forward might be ‘Do you think therapy could help you? Do you want to talk about why you feel this way?’ (even if there is no logical reason they feel this way) My therapist brought up the topic of medications to me, and referred me to a psychologist who could prescribe them properly. There is no reason you should think they might not be helped by therapy and be amiss in suggesting it - most people feel better after having talked about their problems, IMHO, whether they are clinically depressed or not.

7

Depressive person here also.

The one thing that bugs me the most when I get depressed is when people try to offer me a false sense of security that has no support. I.e., when I get upset about being single, nothing upsets me more than someone saying “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll meet someone someday.” Generally, I get more pissed off when I hear that, because there really isn’t any support for that. It sounds nice, but I can tell that it’s fluffy.

I feel a lot better when I hear something instead like “I’ll be there for you no matter what happens.” A genuine human response is a lot more welcome than anything else.

8

Currently depressed person checking in.

Do not tell the depressed person to “Snap out of it” or “Just be happy” or anything like that. That is more likely to annoy them and make them even more depressed.

Do be willing to listen, and let them talk about what’s bothering them.

Professional therapy can help, but if that’s not available just talking to someone with a receptive ear is good too. I’ve also found that excercise helps, even if it’s just walking for an hour or so a few times a week.

9

I hope you all know that I was not serious about saying *“Grow up! Quit whining! Take some action!” * - I like to think I’ve got more class than that. Besides, when I’m down in the dumps, I don’t want to hear that kind of thing either.

I appreciate the insights - some of the things might never have occurred to me. It sounds as if I’d do best to just be a listener for now. Last thing my friend needs is advice from me. Same goes for links to sites - I put that on a par with leaving soap on the desk of a stinky coworker. I’ll do some more research for my own education, and only share if asked.

AndrewL, I’d heard the same thing about exercise. Sounds like we need to do some mall-walking or something.

Thanks to one and all - this is very helpful.

10

Another recently-diagnosed depressed person checking in … everyone else has pretty much covered the important stuff, but I thought I’d throw in one more.

I don’t know what your friend’s situation is, but I was very resistant to getting any kind of medical help. I thought I could deal with my problems myself. It was affecting my work and stuff, and my husband finally had to say, “I’m making you an appointment and that’s that” before I would see a doctor. So if you are going to encourage seeing a doctor, be prepared to follow through by making the appointment/taking him there yourself. (Obviously, this depends on how close a relationship you have with him and how serious his symptoms appear to have become.)

Good luck and I hope things work out for your friend.

11

I think severely depressed people tend to seem very self-centered. Often they really don’t have the ability to reach out to other people any more, or are so trapped in themselves that they can no longer sense or empathize with what other people are feeling. One of the hugest favors you can do is to stick with someone even when they are not doing their half of the work of maintaining a friendship. If you are able to maintain the connection even when the other people doesn’t return phone calls, shows up late or stands you up all the time, seems not to be listening to you, or even seems not to care about you, you are a very special kind of friend. Back when I was depressed, I lost about 80 percent of my friends (and I don’t blame them), but I’m extremely grateful to those who stuck with me.

12

Well, I don’ t think he’s severely depressed, but he seems so sad all the time, and he wasn’t always like that. I think he sometimes puts on a brave face for me - I can see thru it.

So, it appears that listening and being there are the biggies, followed by exercise. I notice no one mentioned chocolate… hence your advice is suspect! :smiley:

Seriously, I really appreciate all the information. I don’t feel nearly as helpless as I did earlier.

13

That’s because chocolate goes without saying! Also, not so much for your friend, since you mentioned no websites, but for the other depressives around here, there’s also Cecil’s Place, a rather inactive support group I set up during the Winter of our Missed Content for other depressive Dopers. If anyone needs it, feel free to sign up.

I’ve also been fortunate enough to have a Mensan Cabana Boy on call, but that’s just luck.

CJ

14

Lifelong sufferer here.

Here’s a list of what not to say to someone who’s depressed - these are right on.

And here’s an excellent list of things to say.

15

And remember, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! You come first, no matter what. I made the mistake of thinking I could handle someone elses problems, and it left me more troubled than it helped him. If he refuses therapy, there’s no reason why you can’t go - obviously his depression affects you and the other people who care about him, and you have feelings to work out too. So, as I said, take care of yourself first.

16

Yet another depressive checking in here.

You say that your friend wasn’t always depressed the way he is now. Has something happened recently that may have brought his depression on? If so, simply talking it through may work wonders.

Actually, like others have said, simply being there for and talking to your friend should be immensely helpful.

I forget if it’s something that all people suffering from depression do, but I know that in my case I became really withdrawn which, of course, only made things worse as it cut me off from my “support group” of friends. Try and keep this from happening - call him up to chat, invite him to go out and do things, and generally try to keep his spirits up. It may seem like a tall order, depending on how bad off he is, but hopefully it’ll help break the cycle of depression and get things back to normal.

Most importantly, keep an eye out on your friend’s attendance, whether it be school, work, or similar obligations. If he starts playing hooky, especially if it’s just to stay home and veg around, it may be time to really start pushing for professional help.

Good luck on this, all people should be as lucky to have friends like you.

17

;j :smiley: yes, he does, or at least he did, seven years ago, in
Bakersfield, at a Texeco staion…:wink:

18

Though someone already mentioned the importance of being sincere, it’s worth restating the significance of that. Additionally, it’s worth noting that in cases of “more than just the blues” depression one of the bonus symptoms is a double helping of suspicion towards the world. That said, always be honest and up front about your intentions. If your friend thinks you’re being subversive, you’ll end up doing more harm than good. And if you ever get flustered, say so. Don’t make something up to cover your ass.

19

It also may be helpful to explain how therapy could help him.

From my depressed perspective, I simply can’t see how just talking to someone could cure my sadness. What issues do I have to talk about when I’m just sad in general (even when good things happen) and really don’t have anything to be sad about? What “magic words” could a therapist say that would make me happy?

I figured anti-depressants might be the way to go, so I was prescribed a few different ones over the period of two years. Wellbutrin (a.k.a. Zyban when used as a stop-smoking aid) not only didn’t do a damn thing for my depression, but it didn’t reduce my urge for nicotine, either.

Prozac and similar SSRIs worked to a degree. I didn’t get excessively sad, but then I never got really happy or exicted, either. I was a bit more talkative and perhaps even to the point of being socially presentable, but inside I just felt like a zombie and my emotions felt faked. I figured I’d rather be depressed than a zombie, so I stopped taking SSRIs.

20

Very well said, Alto. When I was going through a bad depression, one of the things that helped the most was a friend who just spent time hanging out with me, playing cards and baking cookies, during a time that I couldn’t have been much fun to be with.