Should I end this friendship? long

In My Humble Opinion
1

About 18 months ago, I met this guy named Dave. He and his boyfriend were nice people and we hit it off and spent a lot of time together. Then, about a year ago, Dave confided in me that he was in “love” with me and he was prepared to leave his boyfriend of 15 years to be with me. I told him in very clear language that I considered him a friend, but that our relationship would never go beyond that. He was hurt and our relationship was never quite the same after that. We went from getting together several times a week, to only once a month or less. It was just too awkward for me and I didn’t really enjoy being around him as much as I did before his revelation for other reasons as well.

Six months ago, Dave told me that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and was planning to have surgery. I tried to offer my support, but every time I mentioned “cancer”, he got really defensive and would say things like, “you’re not the one with cancer, don’t talk to me about it since you don’t know anything”. Well, I quickly learned to avoid the subject completely.

Although we didn’t see each other as much, we still continued to e-mail each other on semi-regular basis, to talk about day to day life and stuff like that. One day, I emailed him and he never responded. I assumed he was out sick that day, so just e-mailed him again in a few days. I never got a response until about 3 weeks later, so I assumed that he was upset with me, so I decided to just give up on him. (There were a few other incidents in which he suddenly stopped communication with no warning or explanation). The reason, I discovered, was that he was jealous that I was dating someone.

Even though we both were teetering on the edge of calling our friendship quits, I still called him the day before his surgery and got his voicemail. I told him that I’d be thinking about him, etc, etc. I followed it up with an e-mail saying the same thing. The day of the surgery, I got a call from his boyfriend saying that he had made it thru fine and was resting. I told his boyfriend that I’d come to the hospital to visit him, but he told me not to, since he was very groggy, etc. A few days later, I called Dave and yet again, got his voicemail. I left a message, but never got a return call.

Yesterday, I got the following e-mail from Dave. I’m totally perplexed as to why he felt the need to send it to me.

I’m sitting here writing “Thank You” cards for everyone who sent flowers, visited, or gave unlimited support during my diagnosis and treatment. And I am so disappointed and hurt that I’m not sending one to you.

Perhaps my expectations were too high. Perhaps they always have been. I mean, did I really expect that you would be at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning to wait with Thom while I was in surgery the way Jay and Caroline did? No, but it would have been nice. You would hardly have known where or when to show up since you never asked for any details regarding the whole process. Did I expect that maybe you would visit after I got home from the hospital to see how I was? Yes, and that would have been nice. You could have met my parents and put a smile on my face. But I realize people lead busy lives, and yet we make the time for those who matter.

And so here I am two weeks after a life altering surgery thanking those who helped me through it all. I thought maybe this would be a chance for you to step up and show that our friendship mattered, that I really could still be sure of you. Now…I really don’t know what to think anymore.

I understand that he is going thru a major health crisis and may not be himself. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that he was asking too much? We were just very casual friends. I don’t think that I’d ever take a day off work to sit in a waiting room while a casual friend had surgery. I’d certainly call and offer to visit afterwards though. My beef is that I did call him twice after his surgery and also spoke to his boyfriend and told him I’d come visit, but was told to wait a few days and he acts as if I totally blew him off during his “time of need”.

I want to write back and ask him if they amputated his hands during the surgery, and is unable to dial a phone anymore. Was it my responsibility to continue to call and leave messages? Or should he have returned the call?

I think I am thru with him. It’s way too stressful for me. Any input would be appreciated.

Eric

2

I know how Dave feels, because in my world, I am Dave. I’m going through the same thing. There is a person i love that I can’t have.

And let me tell you, you would be doing Dave a favor by avoiding him completely and forever. That is unless you DO want to be with him, but since you don’t for whatever reason, don’t torture him. Because every time I see the person that I love but can’t have, I’m miserable. I haven’t talked to her in a while now and I have been so much happier lately, it’s almost unbelievable that one person can affect another so drastically. Sure, for the first month, it’s painful as shit. But it gets better.

I would write back and explain that you did call and his boyfriend told you not to stop by. I would also let him know that you do care for him as a friend and you’re sorry that you can’t be with him, but in the long wrong, it would be wise if you two no longer tortured each other. Another time, another place.
Move on and do him the favor, Eric.

3

I would write a polite reply stating, “Dear Dave, I regret that you apparently didn’t receive the well-wishes I left on your voice mail, or that Boyfriend may have forgotten to pass along my offer to come to the hospital, and his suggestion that it wasn’t a good time to do so. With all that was going on, it is no surprise that some things may have fallen through the cracks. Nonetheless, the sentiment was then, and remains now, my sincere wish for a speedy and full recovery for you. All the best for your future, rostfrei.”

Then never contact or respond to him again.

4

aww, you people are far too nice.
I’d say

"And I am so disappointed and hurt that I’m not sending one to you. "
You can fix that, you know. All it takes is you picking up a pen or pencil and writing. Then you’ll have written a thank you card to me and gotten over your disappointment.

But I realize people lead busy lives, and yet we make the time for those who matter.

No, I can’t make time out of thin air. It’d be nice if I could, but I’m sleeping at 5:30 in the morning, whoever you are. During the day I’m at work. Try calling me during normal hours if you expect me to actually arrive. Oh, and, if you want to accuse me of not caring, it would have been more effective if you didn’t refuse my support earlier. (re: you’re not the one with cancer, don’t talk to me about it since you don’t know anything)

Then again, I have little patience for that kind of transparent emotional manipulation.

5

I just want to me-too Shayna’s post. This guy sounds like an emotional basketcase. Stay away from him, for your own peace of mind.

6

You rejected Dave’s advances (and you were being respectful in doing so), and Dave didn’t know how to react to it, which was compounded by his medical crisis…so you became a convenient target for him to focus his negativity on…almost as if you were the “cancer”, and Dave projected his anger at you (cancer). Not a pleasant position to be in, and you certainly didn’t deserve it. I agree with Dig and Shayna, just make the farewell note short and sweet and do not respond to any derisive response from him to keep this matter festering.

And yes, I was accused (as an employer) for causing an ex-employee to be stricken with lung cancer after she quit her job with us on bad terms (always defied company policies), even though she was a heavy smoker. She died about 9 months afterwards…and her live-in roommate still believes that we “gave” her the cancer as if I slipped her a mickey.

7

Move on to greener lands and never look back. It’s good advice when you see it philosophically - most people don’t see it for a lifetime. He’s not worth it, you should move on.

8

Dave is wallowing in self pity and using his cancer to try and manipulate you, and likely others as well. I think I’d just ignore him. If you respond, no matter how, he’s going to continue to play games. If you mention the boyfriend telling you not to visit you’re just going to start up another drama session. It’s time to move on.

9

Dave is definitely allowed to feel bad for himself after surgery, but when he’s better he could benefit from a gay-friendly version of He’s Just Not That Into You (or maybe just that sentence alone. I’ve never read the book.) For now, explain that you wanted t0o visit, you hope he’s well, and then drop him. It’s not fair to him or his boyfriend (who didn’t pass your message on, unless I’m missing something) to have you around.

10

He was being way too demanding and overly emotional in that email. But, then, people with potentially deadly illnesses are allowed to be a bit over-emotional at times, in my view.
If I were you, I would not take the rant personally. He’s just lashing out because he’s not feeling good (and probably still hurt by the earlier rejection - on some level, even if not consciously, he was probably secretly hoping that you would show him you do care for him as More Than Friends after all in the face of this crisis).
I’d tell him you didn’t mean to give him the impression you don’t care, that you did what you would do for any other friend, and wish him well.
I don’t think it’s right to completely shut out someone who is in the midst of facing a serious illness. But I don’t think anyone could blame you if you wanted to keep your space from him after that. So I guess you could tell him something like, “I wish you well, but I think our relationship is causing hurt feelings and it’s probably best for us to take a breather”.

11

I hear a lot of “Waah, waah, why don’t you love meeeee?” in this letter. Something tells me I should feel sorry for his SO.

I echo that you should wish him a speedy recovery and then move on.

12

Eh, just stall a bit and let the cancer take care of things. If you don’t officially end things there’s still the off chance you’ll be in his will. You know, like if he tries to guilt trip you from beyond the grave. Free haunted dinner plates!

13

I too think you are all way too nice here. My response to a bullshit letter like that from a bullshit friend would be dead silence, followed by a lifetime of me not contacting them. Buh-bye guilt-tripping, emotionally manipulative drama queen. I don’t cut people a lot of slack for being sick or whatever when they’re using it to try to manipulate me.

14

Absolutely. Great reply and great advice. This guy is bad news in a real drama llama kind of way. Next you’ll bet getting the middle of the night “I LOVE YOU! I HATE YOU! I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!” calls. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

15

Dave’s letter reeks of passive-aggressiveness. Perhaps you have more stomach for such things than I do, but I’d drop him and be glad you got away.

16

Yes, break off the friendship.

I wouldn’t bother trying to convey your efforts to get in touch during his hospitalization – yes, they’re true, but at this point they’ll just sound defensive.

Rather than disappearing into the ether, I’d just write back something like “It’s obvious I can’t be the kind of friend you’re looking for. I wish you well, but I don’t want to have any contact with you in the future.” Then refuse to respond to any calls, letters, etc.

17

…or better yet…email him the link to this thread. Cancer does not give you a free pass to play the eternal guilt card. Let this thread do the talking.

18

Another vote for Shayna’s response. What a manipulative little e-mail.

19

I want to me-too this one. I wouldn’t mention you efforts to contact him (you’ll just stir things up between him and his boyfriend), and I wouldn’t write anything about the nature of the relationship. Just tell him you’re sorry he feels that way, that you hope he is feeling better and wish him well. That’s it. Then really do keep a wide berth from him.

20

Very classy, I think. And I fourth…er, fifth(?) it.

Oh, and I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that Thom senses that Dave has serious feelings for rostfrei.

Yeah, this is good, too.

ETA: And though I understand where the people who are saying “Don’t even tell him that you offered to stop by” are coming from, I think it’s perfectly acceptable for **rostfrei ** to “clear” his name, even if he has no intention of interacting with Dave ever again. Really, whatever gets stirred up by Dave’s discovery that Thom didn’t pass along **rostfrei’s ** attempts at contact/display of concern (remember–it’s likely that Thom *knows * what’s going on WRT to Dave’s feelings for rostfrei) isn’t **rostfrei’s ** fault–or his problem.