About 18 months ago, I met this guy named Dave. He and his boyfriend were nice people and we hit it off and spent a lot of time together. Then, about a year ago, Dave confided in me that he was in “love” with me and he was prepared to leave his boyfriend of 15 years to be with me. I told him in very clear language that I considered him a friend, but that our relationship would never go beyond that. He was hurt and our relationship was never quite the same after that. We went from getting together several times a week, to only once a month or less. It was just too awkward for me and I didn’t really enjoy being around him as much as I did before his revelation for other reasons as well.
Six months ago, Dave told me that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and was planning to have surgery. I tried to offer my support, but every time I mentioned “cancer”, he got really defensive and would say things like, “you’re not the one with cancer, don’t talk to me about it since you don’t know anything”. Well, I quickly learned to avoid the subject completely.
Although we didn’t see each other as much, we still continued to e-mail each other on semi-regular basis, to talk about day to day life and stuff like that. One day, I emailed him and he never responded. I assumed he was out sick that day, so just e-mailed him again in a few days. I never got a response until about 3 weeks later, so I assumed that he was upset with me, so I decided to just give up on him. (There were a few other incidents in which he suddenly stopped communication with no warning or explanation). The reason, I discovered, was that he was jealous that I was dating someone.
Even though we both were teetering on the edge of calling our friendship quits, I still called him the day before his surgery and got his voicemail. I told him that I’d be thinking about him, etc, etc. I followed it up with an e-mail saying the same thing. The day of the surgery, I got a call from his boyfriend saying that he had made it thru fine and was resting. I told his boyfriend that I’d come to the hospital to visit him, but he told me not to, since he was very groggy, etc. A few days later, I called Dave and yet again, got his voicemail. I left a message, but never got a return call.
Yesterday, I got the following e-mail from Dave. I’m totally perplexed as to why he felt the need to send it to me.
I’m sitting here writing “Thank You” cards for everyone who sent flowers, visited, or gave unlimited support during my diagnosis and treatment. And I am so disappointed and hurt that I’m not sending one to you.
Perhaps my expectations were too high. Perhaps they always have been. I mean, did I really expect that you would be at the hospital at 5:30 in the morning to wait with Thom while I was in surgery the way Jay and Caroline did? No, but it would have been nice. You would hardly have known where or when to show up since you never asked for any details regarding the whole process. Did I expect that maybe you would visit after I got home from the hospital to see how I was? Yes, and that would have been nice. You could have met my parents and put a smile on my face. But I realize people lead busy lives, and yet we make the time for those who matter.
And so here I am two weeks after a life altering surgery thanking those who helped me through it all. I thought maybe this would be a chance for you to step up and show that our friendship mattered, that I really could still be sure of you. Now…I really don’t know what to think anymore.
I understand that he is going thru a major health crisis and may not be himself. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that he was asking too much? We were just very casual friends. I don’t think that I’d ever take a day off work to sit in a waiting room while a casual friend had surgery. I’d certainly call and offer to visit afterwards though. My beef is that I did call him twice after his surgery and also spoke to his boyfriend and told him I’d come visit, but was told to wait a few days and he acts as if I totally blew him off during his “time of need”.
I want to write back and ask him if they amputated his hands during the surgery, and is unable to dial a phone anymore. Was it my responsibility to continue to call and leave messages? Or should he have returned the call?
I think I am thru with him. It’s way too stressful for me. Any input would be appreciated.
Eric