Jeeze Louise, I agree with this, too. How did this happen?!?
I see what you’re saying, Queen Tonya, but I’m judging this guy by a friendship standard, and I expect better of my friends than this guy is giving. This half-in, half-out kind of relationship is exactly as msmith is describing - unstable is an excellent word for it. You’re with someone because you want to be with them - not because nothing better has come along yet. This guy doesn’t want to be with kittenblue, and I think she’s selling herself short.
fubbleskag, I am. Well, mostly happy. We have our days.
Point one (I don’t yet know how to break up these quotes) about shaping people’s behavior? So no one is ever allowed to complain about someone else’s bad behavior? We’re just supposed to take it and smile?
Point two about making sure he’d arrived back alive: assuredly that’s a little weak, but still valid when dealing with someone who has recently had a few health scares, and he did get lost in the desert while he was out there. If anything had happened to him, his daughter wouldn’t have called me because we’ve barely met. I’m not sure she knows my last name. When we don’t care about the well-being of friends, they end up rotting on their kitchen floors for weeks. If someone calls and leaves a message that says, “hey, just call and let me know you’re alive” and you don’t at least callback and leave a message, expect them to stop by to see if you’re alive.
Point three about friends with benefits: your version seems to leave out the whole friends aspect. If we were just friends and he had suddenly stopped returning my calls, I’d be stopping by to see what’s up. Just because I’ve slept with him doesn’t mean I give up all rights as a friend.
Point four: see point three. And reread my posts. It took nearly a month from our last conversation to my stopping by, so it wasn’t quite a “burning” need so much as a “let’s get this finalized”. And what in the heck is so wrong with it being about MY needs? Am I just supposed to give up any wants, desires, opinions? I wasn’t hoping to force him back into anything against his will. I wasn’t going to manipulate him into anything. Heck, I didn’t even cry, and I cry about everything! All I wanted was what he said he enjoyed most about spending time together: an adult relationship, and I wanted to be treated like a reasonable, rational adult. I’m not some needy, clingy, whiny little girl who needs to be avoided out of fear of the scene she might create. Talk to me honestly and openly, and don’t be a jerk. And if you act like a jerk, expect to get called on it.
**kittenblue[b/], everywhere you want to insert your own comment, do this:
{quote=username}blah blah point one blah{/quote}
kitten’s comment
{quote=username}blah blah point two blah{/quote}
kitten’s comment…
Only replace the {} with . Try it on preview.
As for your problems… I’m younger than you, but I know (from experience) that if you present yourself as a doormat you have to expect people to step on you.
You’ve given Mr Invertabrate no reason to change his behavior toward you or the next woman he dates.
I wish you well if you choose to stay in this relationship, but more than that I wish you could see just how low your expectations are. I don’t care what you weigh or how old you are - you can certainly do better than this bum.
Going on 8 years with my wife. I’m happy, as far as I can tell, and she often says that as an Italian Catholic, she’s going to be a widow before she’s a divorce, so yeah, I guess that’s about as established as it gets these days.
kittenblue: I post as someone who feels sympathy for you 100% and is angry at this guy. I’ve seen this scenario many times, from within and without, so I am compelled to respond.
Here is a key point: he didn’t do what he thought was right for you without discussing it with you. As you yourself have pointed out, of course it wasn’t good for you to be ignored and worried about him for a month! What friend would ever behave as he did? And he knew that, but he ignored you anyway. Why? Because he did what he thought was right for HIM, which was to let his relationship with you just trail off. It’s much easier than having an uncomfortable break up conversation with you, or than getting sucked back into a pseudo-relationship with you (which is exactly what happened) and then having to end it later.
Please don’t kid yourself that this man believed he was looking out for you by not returning your calls. That’s just ridiculous, even if he’s gotten himself to believe it by now. He was being a coward, that’s the bottom line. He doesn’t know what he wants and he took the path of least resistance… and he’s still doing it. I want you to realize that. By reconnecting with you due to your insistence (which is what happened, because your reunion wouldn’t have taken place without your efforts), he is again copping to the easiest course of action. Sleeping with you, which he enjoys, is much easier than taking a hard line stance and doing what is ACTUALLY best for you, which would be walking away and resolving his own confusion without dragging you into it. IOW, he’s weak.
I think this reconciliation is a big mistake for you, kittenblue. You obviously have more invested in him than he does in you. I’d say he is indifferent to being with you and has done what’s most expedient for him in every situation you’ve described. If you can accept all of that without being hurt and still want to be with him, then go for it. If not, well, being alone is better than being in bad company.
