Like that little voice that tells you not to insult people in IMHO? Or the one that tells you that you should not do it again because you could get in a spot of trouble with the moderators? Do you mean that voice?
I’m glad you’re feeling clearer about what you want - but, man, that’s so rude of him! He knew you’d be worried but didn’t even call to say hi. He thought it wasn’t fair to keep seeing you, but didn’t think it would be nice to actually tell you about that decision?
What happened to courtesy? If I’ve enjoyed spending time with someone, I’d try to behave nicely towards them even if I didn’t want the relationship to continue as it had been, simply out of respect for what was past.
Oh well, as you said, you’ve got a better idea of what you want now, and that’s worth something - some people never figure it out. Whatever you decide to do about this guy, I hope it works out ok for you.
kittenblue, I understand very well your need to resolve things. While I would have agreed with those who told you to walk away, I was never one who could.
It took me a long time to figure out that what needed resolving was not what was going on in his head, but what was going on in my head – in my own thinking about myself.
I had to learn how to control me – not him.
I had to learn how to love me and treat myself with respect before he could and before I really knew how to love him.
Maybe if you encourage him to do those things which make him happy…and you do the same thing…and you two are just easy on each other for a while, you will both have a chance to relax in the relationship a little bit.
I was mostly joking with that little voice line.
It’s one of my favourites from my the kids’ film, “El Dorado”.
I guess I assumed people were more familiar with it than I am.
My appologies for having offended you kittenblue. 
:smack:
…I guess I assumed people were as familiar with it as I am.
I don’t understand. You are willing to settle for someone who doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life, and just wants to be “friends-with-benefits?”
Don’t you think you deserve better than that? Someone who will be attentive to your needs as you are to his? Someone who cares about you and wants to make you happy?
I think you need to raise your bar a bit. This guy isn’t going to change, and you sitting patiently by while he “gets his shit together” is just going to waste your time. Stay friends with him, if you like, but no sex and get yourself back out on the open market. I think you’re severely limiting your options, and the only one who will be hurt by that is YOU. If he really wants you you’ll know it. As it is now it doesn’t look like he cares one way or the other.
woman’s ego. (She + ego)
I hate to have to do this, but I have to translate from man-speak to English again:
Because yous say “since you don’t have the decency to return my calls, I don’t want to be with you any more”.
Well it depends how long you are going out for, but that does seem pretty immature. Basically you’re pissed off that she doesn’t want to see you any more so you want the opportunity to make what is a difficult situation and make it even more difficult for her/him. It’s like Sex in the City when that guy broke up with her on a Post-it note. Ok, it was a little cowardly, but it’s understandable. Most of the time people aren’t trying to be assholes. They just don’t want to be in a relationship anymore but they don’t want to really inflict pain and suffering on another person. They just want to avoid seeing the pain they caused (and possibly getting hit with a plate).
I say at the very least, you owe a person a letter or a voice mail so they aren’t calling you like an idiot for three weeks.
My world is planet Earth. And since, in spite of what they like to think, most of the inhabitants of this world are pretty much the same, I think I know what I’m talking about. Rarely have I seen “fuck buddies” where one party did not want more out of the relationship and was basically settling for a sexual relationship.
It wasn’t so much the “little voice” line, but the way you tied it to the “doing something reeeeallly stupid” line, the shouting and finally the “smack” smiley. It just seemed a little hostile to me.
[Official Moderator Hijack]On the plus side, your response to my admonishment is one of the main reasons I like moderating IMHO. For the most part, people in this forum tend to apologize for insulting others, whether they originally meant to or not.[/Official Moderator Hijack]
so? first it was “no such thing” and now it’s “rarely”. Which is it?
On my planet Earth, this type of relationship can work out fine, as long as both parties are open, honest, and up-front about things.
If you can’t do that, no one will force you to have a regular, casual sexual relationship, msmith537.
In the meantime, please try not to denigrate other’s choices just for the sake of pouncing. From where I stand, it’s like you saw an automobile accident happen and instead of offering to help or just walking away, you chose to berate a driver for their poor driving skills.
Lay off, already. It’s not your car.
Well people get upset around here when you talk in absolutes, but from what I’ve seen the “friends with benefits” thing never “works out fine” because people generally are not open, honest, and up-front about things - with themselves or the other person. What happens when one person cuts off the booty tap? What about if one of them has multiple “friends with benefits”?
If people don’t want answers they don’t want to hear, I suggest they not ask difficult questions in a public forum.
Well, yeah, that’s it. If you’re gonna get dumped, the dumper at least owes you some notification of that fact. To simply not contact someone again is cowardice, and I wouldn’t accept a “no contact” dumping. Phone call, letter, whatever is fine.
Even that bitch Barbara, age 14 at the time, had enough decency to come to where I was working on Saturday afternoon, jerk her thumb toward the guy driving the new T-bird that she rode up with there with and say, “Don’t come pick me up tonight, I’m goin’ out with him.”
That I can take. But simply not contact a person again? Unacceptable.
Well of course I deserve better, but I have a few things to work on in my life situation too, so we’re pretty even in not wanting to rush into things. I have been celibate for ten years since my divorce, and spent the last three years dating a man in a purely platonic sense. This is the first decent man to come along who has been attracted to me from the moment we met, and the fact that the attraction was mutual was intoxicating, and for this week, this month, this summer, this is enough. I haven’t stopped looking for the real thing, and if I meet someone who has potential then I will make the necessary changes. But I’m in transition too (just lost over 100 pounds) and I’m not someone who has ever had the knack of attracting men easily. And I’m 48. It may never happen, and I want to take full advantage of what I have right now.
But I also want to be treated with respect and not have someone jump to conclusions about what he thinks is right for me without discussing it with me. I hope he and I have got that straight now, and we can get back to having fun. If not, well, before I went to talk to him I answered four personal ads, and one guy turns out to be someone Lillith Fair and another friend knows well and can introduce me to in the real world (amazing…the guy gave enough info in his ad that I realized that there was a good chance my friends knew who he was, just from his location, his marital status, his religion and a general description of his job.)
Thanks to everyone for their opinions, and Quicksilver, though I’ve never seen El Dorado, I sorta figured you were joking. But while we were having our wine, I was listening to the little voice in my head that assured me that for now, my heart is well-protected, and that there are worse things in life than having it broken. I’m not afraid of that, really. I have survived several broken hearts already…it’s not fatal, and it’s a whole lot better to feel something, even for a brief time, than to wrap yourself in cotton wool and never feel again. My shields are up.
I’m not theistic in the least but ‘god bless’ seem the most appropriate right now.
;j
Ok, so would a male ego be a hego or mego or himgo?
Is this like the polar opposite of “personhole covers” on the ground? Taking a perfectly good word that has no gender associations and creating them? 
-
Your relationship with this guy is a waste of your time, kittenblue, and in spite of all your rationalization, I think you know it. He didn’t treat you with the respect deserving of a friend, never mind a “friend with benefits.” You wonder why guys keep doing this to you - it’s because you keep letting them.
-
I agree with msmith - “friends with benefits” are like open relationships; they don’t have a great chance of working out well for both parties. I’m sure there are times when they have been just fine; it’s not the norm, though, and your chances of things going badly are pretty good.
Awww, c’mon, she posted about being unwillingly celibate for ten years, with a platonic 3 year relationship after that. Sometimes imperfect Mr.Right Now can beat the hell out of the waiting for Prince Charming. Not every relationship is about riding off into the sunset together.
Not that I think you’ll hear it, but I just got to say it, because it helped me;
When people show you who they really are, your job is to SEE.
He showed you who he really is, you’re simply choosing not to see it. Ensuring in the none too distant future a conversation that begins, “I can’t believe he would treat my feelings this way…”.
And as for maturity, I can only say that one day you may mature sufficiently to realise that you will never successfully partner as long as you believe it’s part of your job/caling to shape the behavior of other adults. As in, teach them how to behave. Guess what? They are already raised up, and you ain’t their Mama. And when you assume this moral high ground with another adult, you are being misguided, smug and you are dooming your relationships.
As for, “I just want to know if he’s okay”, most people can identify this self deluding rationalization for what it is round about the time they graduate from high school. So all that finger pointing about his lack of maturity seems 180 degrees off target to me.
Besides which you don’t seem mature enough for a ‘friend with benefits’ relationship. You don’t seem to understand that in such a set up you have not inclusion in the other persons life, decisions, day to day. To get all pissy cause your calls aren’t returned seems wildly out of place for such a set up. And a pretty good sign you can’t handle it. It’s not a relationship, get it? It’s just sex.
And finally, maybe it’s just me but when someone’s not returning your calls, the burning ‘need’ to track them down and see them, is all about YOU regardless of how righteous your rationalizations may be. It betrays a neediness that is repulsive to mature thinking adults.
Just my take on your remarks, nothing personal.
kittenblue I THINK i have been in your situation before - only I’m a bit younger. I can totally see your point of view. Your story just smacks of what I went through and I don’t want you to have to go through that - especially since I can tell you want this to work so bad.
I don’t want to tell you you’re stupid, or blind. People told me that when I related my story, and that sucked. And it wasn’t true - I don’t think I was stupid or blind. I was just trying to be myself and trust someone else and be a DECENT person and the other person ended up taking advantage of that.
Hate to bring this up, but this is what happened to me when I was in your situation. The link is a post from the dude’s POV - he revealed what a turd he was and all the ways he had hurt me when I was blissfully going along with HIS idea of “just friends.” When you read it, you’ll probably be like “damn, this girl is stuuuuupid” but I was just trying to be like you are trying to be - friends, having fun. I was unaware that I was too caring, too nice, too friendly.
Seems like the OP in my thread is just as boneheaded as this dude you’re trying to be with. Take it as you will - I’m not trying to talk you out of anything. But here’s a good example of where your relationship with this fella can end up.
They just aren’t stable. There are a number of stable conditions in the relationship world:
single - basically you can do what you want whenever you want.
honest committed relationship between two people - You agree to be together and stay together as long as you both feel the same way.
These two conditions are stable because they require some effort to change their state. Being single requires going out and finding a mate to change. Being in a committed relationship requires breaking up with someone to change. They are the two extremes that any relationship is drawn toward.
Friends with benefits is unstable because it’s very easy for both parties to be on different places on the spectrum. There’s nothing to keep anyone in the relationship. And that unstability manifests itself as disatisfaction, hurt feelings, and jealousy.
just out of curiousity, how many posters in this thread are currently in an established happy relationship?