This could probably go in either the pit or MPSISMS, but since it’s not happy and I deserve severe roasting, here I come Pit. Mods: if this is in the wrong place, please relocate the venue for me.
Let me give you the background for why I deserve to roast like a pig on a spit.
I am happily engaged, and will be getting happily married this thanksgiving. I’ve known my fiance for roughly 6 months, which is admittedly fast for such things, but when you know you know. 
Well, in the course of all this planning of marital bliss as well as another upcoming birthday, I have been particularly reflective of what’s taken place in my life up to now, getting ready to make this transition. And I can proudly say I have damn few regrets in life, which is pretty good. Just one big one.
I consider myself a pretty overall nice guy, considerate of others and all that, but I must say that I have been feeling particularly guilty for some time about one of my ex’s whom I treated particularly nastily time and again - For about 2 years. :eek: Being the good Catholic I am and knowing the value of a good confession, I figured I would tear down my wall in front of everyone.
I deserve to roast in purgatory for at least a few hours for what I put this poor girl though. I treated her worse than Mao did the Chinese. I’m amazed at the shit I shoveled her way and she put up with, with a smile.
We dated (for which I used the emotionally self defensive “hanging-out” term for, the first of my many offenses) for that time, keeping a more or less “thing” going. Knowing that she was interested in me, I kept her at arms length emotionally and acting like a selfish prat for the whole time with little consideration for her feelings. I would drift in and out of communications with her, leaving little information about what happened to me and then pop back in like nothing had happened and expect all happy happy.
And she took my shit. Every time. 
My other offenses include, but not limited to:
[ul]
[li]Taking off with my freinds and levaing her by herself without warning[/li][li]Blocking her out of the rest of my life including family / freinds[/li][li]Ignoring her calls[/li][li]Emotionally abusing her even after I knew she had gotten out of another bad relationship[/li][li]Treated her as if she would always be there[/li][li]Acted like a rich snob[/li][li]Left her for another woman, and then expected her to take me back[/li][li]Being a pretentious fucking know it all with her business/job[/li][li]Ignoring / toying (unintentionally) with her feelings[/li][li]Being a cheap-ass tight wad, worrying about money and penny pinching with her[/li][li]Placing work above her needs, on repeated occasions choosing to do work stuff which could have been put off as opposed to doing things we planned together[/li][li]Being self absorbed in my own problems, and basically ingnoring /belittling her own[/li][li]and finally, leaving her with little notice of whats going on shortly after meeting my current fiance[/li][/ul]
Other things include her graciously supporting me though getting my professional certification, which there is no way I could have accomplished with her support. She supported my conversion to catholicism (which wasn’t even her faith) and then didn’t even invite her to the party. She helped me loose weight, and probably added years to my life. She put up with my crazy ideas and trips. She took a precious weekend vacation to go see one of my stupid favorite bands in another state, and I couldn’t take a fucking day to go do some of her family functions that were important for her.
I have no idea why she put up with this, other than at least were good friends who could tell each other about anything (and probably still could). I valued her in my own head, but never said it. I was a selfish idiot. I just couldn’t/wouldn’t be a fucking man and stop being a fucking idiot. However, it seemed that for whatever reason I felt the need to keep her “on the line” for the entire time. I was such a wimp that I was never able to take responsibility for myself like a child instead of the 30+ year-old I am.
Thats not to say I didn’t value her - quite to the contrary, she was the person that I could most share my thoughts with, and was a great human being. I still value her for that and always will. But I basically treated her worse than you would a dog a lot of time for no better reason than I just wasn’t able to open up emotionally to her and grow a pair of fucking balls and be a gentleman. And she took it. God bless her.
No apology could make up for what I did to this woman. I feel bad that for whatever reason I felt the need to be Jeckle and Hyde to her. Age has nothing to do with emotional maturity, and I am the fucking poster child for it. The only thing I can say in my defense was that I had come out of a very bad relationship myself and was never able to get over that hump.
I am very happy in my current relationship and that I met my fiance, but I can’t help but think that when my fiance - whom I love very much - says how good I am, that I think I am really a pretentious jackass.
I will never now have a chance to apologize or redress my actions to this person. Nor do I deserve one. The only things I can do is learn from my own shockingly jackass-ical actions and post this as a cautionary tale to others who are in relationships to treat others emotions with care, as there is another human being there.
PS… I just realize what a long post this is. Eh gad. :eek:
