Should I go talk to him,, or fade quietly away?

I’ve been seeing a man for a few months now, and the time we spend together has been very…well, let’s just say wonderful. After ten years of nothing, it was wonderful. From the start we discussed the fact that he is contemplating moving out of state in a year, has been looking forward to being alone once his daughter leaves for college, isn’t interested in a full-out relationship until he’s had some time to be not-a-full-time-single-dad…all that has been discussed, and I thought it was clear that whatever we were doing would progress slowly, and just enjoy each other for the time we have right now. We’re friends. With benefits.

So a few weeks ago he goes on vacation to Arizona to see if he really wants to move back there or not. He doesn’t call when he gets back…I don’t call for almost a week, giving him time to get caught up at work, etc. Then I call, get voicemail, leave a “just called to say Hi” message, and wait. Before he’d gone on vacation I had asked him about going to the fireworks, and he said maybe. So the Fourth is approaching, I call two more times and leave messages about the fireworks, because he’s not answering. I don’t call him at work, I only called the cell phone. Finally, on the Fourth, when I still haven’t heard back from him, I leave a message, telling him that “I don’t take hints, I don’t read minds, and if you have something to say to me, say it. I thought we were friends, and this is not how you treat friends”.

Haven’t heard a word.

So tonight, I’m stopping by his place to talk to him. I know, I know, he’s giving me a big huge sign that he’s not interested in talking to me. But I’m tired of putting up with crap like this. I’m tired of men thinking they don’t have to explain their actions. I just want him to tell me, face to face, why he doesn’t want to see me ever again. I’m not just talking about the intimate side, though I’m baffled about why someone who enjoyed that side of it quite a bit doesn’t want to do it again. I’m talking about why he doesn’t even want to say “look, I can’t do this anymore”. He’s always been upfront with me, and he is not a man who shies away from issues.

I just want some clarification. I want to know why he’s more willing to go down in the books as “Doug- Asshole” than “Doug- He Was So Great, Too Bad It Didn’t Work Out”. We hadn’t fought, there were no scenes, I wasn’t being clingy, I’d made no demands on him. I want to know why. Can’t grow and change unless I know where I went wrong.

So I’m going, no matter what you all think, and no matter how much this goes against my usual pattern. But I could use some opinions on whether this type of confrontation has ever produced any satisfactory results. I don’t expect things to go back to the way they were, but I need to know I tried to get the answers.

He’s either dead or he’s a real jerk.
My experience is that the more you pursue him now, the more you are going to feel like a fool later. The situation sucks, and yeah, you’d like some closure, but probably nothing that happens at this point is going to make you feel better. Walk away with your dignity. You deserve better than him.

Sorry to hear about your situation, hon. Don’t feel as if it’s anything you did; it sounds to me like he doesn’t really know what he wants. I’d just leave him alone, not waste my time, and focus on other things.

Two things can happen:

He tells you something really, really awful about yourself that makes you feel like total shit and that you don’t know if you can believe because he’s a total asshole and you don’t trust him not to be trying to hurt you.

He tells you something vanilla or even positive that still leaves you feeling awful because the relationship is still over–and it IS over–and you don’t know if he is telling you the truth or if he is avoiding telling you awful truths about yourself, so you still feel confused and unresolved.

Go see hime or don’t–you are in for a world of hurt either way, and you won’t know any more than you did before you went–but don’t expect closures from him. Closure is an internal process, and comes from your own resolution that you are a good person, and a person worth dating, and that if it didn’t work out is was for reasons other than any failing or inadaquacy on your part. He’s not going to be able to give you that because you wouldn’t believe him if you did.

Oh, and whatever you use for birth control, make sure you have some with you when you go: breakup sex is a really bad idea, but it happens, and irony is a bitch in these sorts of situations.

You deserve the courtesy of returned phone calls, there’s just no excuse for shit like that. If he doesn’t wanna have the whole uncomfortable conversation about why it’s over, well it’s hard to summon much sympathy for someone who’s that chicken.

Break-up talks are part of the territory of grown-up relationships, regardless what type of relationship it is. He doesn’t like that? Tough.

I remember one woman I dated briefly who did this to me. I finally managed to get her face to face and I just said to her point blank: “Ok, I know you don’t want to see me anymore. But ducking me, and avoiding my phone calls, not returning them… that’s not what adults do. Now, tell me… say the words. Go ahead.”

She finally said, “I don’t think this is so great and we shouldn’t see each other any more.”

I said, “Thank you. Now I can get on with my life. Welcome to the world of adults, by the way.”

Last time I ever talked to her.

It felt GREAT. I already knew it was over, but I demanded and got the closure necessary to stop wondering about any details. Plus I got to tell her off in a neatly understated way.

Don’t take no crap, kittenblue. Go have your talk… just be prepared for all the possible things you may hear, good and bad. Rehearse the conversation as much as you can until you are sure you can direct it so that you get to have your say. Then do what all smart people do in bad situations: walk away. Just walk away.

just my $.02


A voice of wisdom, there.

But I say don’t go. Nothing good can come of it. I’ve done it before, and it was an emotional slap in the face on top of my bruised feelings.

Sure, adults are supposed to have adult breakups. When they choose not to, it gets as ugly as those seventh-grade messes that hurt so much at the time. It doesn’t sound like he’s willing to act like an adult about this.

And don’t have sex with him again. Yeah, the last time is always the best, but it only delays the healing process.

I’m sorry, and I know how you feel. I’ve been there far too many times. You deserve better.

He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling
He’s just not that into you if he up and moves five states away

Get the picture?

He’s obviously giving you “I don’t want to be with you anymore” signals. So why do you want to confront? So you can yell at him or call him a jerk or slap him in the face or something in order to heal your bruised shego? It won’t be as satisfying as you imagine.

Why allow him to decide the fate of the relationship? Do you need for him to be the one to decide when it’s over? He plans to move. He doesn’t care enough to call, so YOU should just be like “fuck this guy” and decide to move on with your life.

Oh and by the way there’s no such thing as “friends with benefits” or “fuck-buddies” or whatever. A more proper term is “girl I use for sex”.
Snowboarder Bo - Adults don’t hound people who, after only a couple dates, obviously don’t like them, brow-beat them into uncomfortible conversations, and then act all smug about it.


Oh and by the way there’s no such thing as “friends with benefits” or “fuck-buddies” or whatever. A more proper term is “girl I use for sex”.


Maybe not in your world. Other world may differ.

What **msmith537 ** and MissGypsy said.

I know it sucks. :frowning:

I don’t know how some people can say things like “i don’t know if I want to be in a relationship…blah blah” If I met a woman I fell for, there wouldn’t be that indecision. I guess some people do say that, but I don’t understand. If I said that to a woman, it would just be a way of trying to let her down easy or something like that. I never have, but if I heard that that’s what I would think.

Sucks though, I’m over a simlar thing where my ex wouldn’t respond to my phone calls and emails. Worst thing is she lives in London and didn’t even respond to my email asking if she’s all right. Arrghh!

good luck though Kittenblue, and get over him in a hurry!

I’m not imagining that it will be satisfying, and I certainly don’t intend to get violent. And he has already decided the fate of the relationship without my input. And I was using him as much as he used me, if truth be told. But isn’t that all part of a relationship, getting and giving?

And I’m not “hounding” him. A few phone calls to be sure he returned safely, to see how his vacation went, to see if he’s still alive…we’re talking an older man with blood pressure problems…if he’d returned a call, I wouldn’t have called back. And there was no “obviously doesn’t like you” vibe at all before he left, in fact quite the opposite.

Adults behave better than immature children. Adults face up to their problems and don’t run away. People get away with bad behavior because other people let them, by saying to themselves “fuck this” and getting on with their lives. I feel that even if I don’t get the answers I want (and I fully realize the answers may hurt) at least he will realize that he can’t just disappear out of someone’s life wihout a care or a thought. I just want to be treated with respect, and I will not reinforce his disrespect. I want him to realize that the next time he does this, it will be easier to do it properly and respectfully.

See? I have the betterment of humanity at heart! That’s smug!

I hear ya. :slight_smile:

But on some level I believe that kind of behaviour is designed to draw out the response you are exhibiting. A “fuck-it, I’m moving on” attitude is usually the best approach as it doesn’t feed into their need to feel in control. They may not make it obvious, but your non-response is quite unsettling on some level.

At least that’s my take. YMMV. :slight_smile:

Adults do communicate with each other, though. It’s certainly not obvious to one party if the other party goes from sixty to zero with no apparent reason and fails to let them know. If you find conversations about relationships, and ending them, uncomfortable, you’re not mature enough to be in one.

What the heck is a shego?

You may be right. It’d be nice to imagine that somewhere in his heart of hearts he’s hurting because I haven’t continued to call. But that does me no good whatsoever, does it, because I’ll never know. And he is the straw that broke the camel’s back…he’s not the first jerk to do this to me. So I have to attempt to find out what it is about me that makes men think this is okay to treat me like this, so I can change myself.

Yes yes yes. I couldn’t agree more. You wanna be smug? Act like you’ve already forgotten about him. Then you can be as smug and self-righteous as you want, with total dignity. You’ll know that you are the adult. You’re mature; he isn’t. And you’ll know that somewhere in his immature little brain, he’s wondering, “why didn’t she come over or keep calling to find out why blah blah blah…” You are in control; get on with your life (or at least behave as if you are doing so).

(And QuickSilver, I never thought I’d see my name coupled with **msmith537 ** as being in agreement on anything. Weird.)

Good luck with that.
Seriously, though, do you think he will? Not a chance, in my opinion, unless you are the first woman he’s ever been with; he’s done it before.
And let’s face it; he’s a grown up, he’s had other women say exactly what you’re thinking will make all the difference this time. And yet here he is doing it again. So why will what you’ve got to say make the smallest difference to him?
And why would you care, anyway?

I think you are begging the question here. The way to make men not treat you like this is to not respond in a classic sense that you do.

It’s always a control thing when people break up. Who has it. Who doesn’t.

I like your attitude, kittenblue.

In my case, the woman in question and I had had quite a bit of fun together and had vague plans to continue seeing each other. Then she stopped taking or returning my phone calls. Like kittenblue, I also wanted to be treated with respect, and to help her see that making a declaration of dis-interest was easier than she might have thought… maybe some other guy hit her in the mouth, or threatened to kill himself… I accepted her decision and walked away. But I wanted to KNOW that it was her decision. FWIW, I thought I was owed at least that much civility.

And I think you do too, kittenblue. (WOOT! That rhymes and has meter and everything!)

I don’t know that anything I’ll say will make one whit of difference in his future behavior, but isn’t it better to try? To be one of those drops of water that might just tip the scale? My classic response is to wrap my dignity around me and slink away, and that has gotten me zero results. In fact, I think women who make more noise, more drama…you know, bitches…get treated better than us nice, polite girls.

I am tired of being disposable. Tired of being easy to leave. Tired of people being so damn sure that if they hurt me they will not suffer in return. Tired of being ignored. I’ve tried being open and honest and trusting and realistic and patient and forgiving, and this is how it gets me treated. And I don’t believe that any part of him is hurting or missing me or wondering why I’ve stopped calling him. Won’t believe it until I see evidence of that anguish. I’ll stil have my dignity, but at least I won’t feel like a doormat anymore. A dignified doormat still gets stepped on, you know.

Thanks, **snowboarder Bo ** for your support. I’d hate to think the people who want me to slink away might be the people who would just stop calling someone themselves without an explanation. So that brings up another question: who here has done this, and can you explain why?