Since 1999 I’ve been in a mostly on again with some off again relationship with a boyfriend I recycled from college. We dated for about 6 years in the late 80s early 90s. More recently we lived together for about 5 years. There was talk of marriage and family and a future. We were waiting to marry until he had some career security. (His idea) In fact we are now living about 130 miles apart because he had to go where the best job was.
When the move was about to happen it was all positive - a step forward, closer to our mutual goals. It’s only a one and a half hour drive - we’ll see eachother all the time.
We don’t. For the last 7 months we’ve only seen eachother sporadically. Since about March he’s been dodging and not returning my calls. Maybe he really is busy at work. I don’t think 10 or 15 minutes on the phone once a week is too much to ask.
One guess is that he hates confrontation as much as I do and is dreading actually having to say out loud, “Ya know what, Gwen? I’m just not feeling it anymore.” I don’t know if he’s seeing someone new, or just enjoying the independence.
Am I wrong to think that after a combined total of 11 years as a couple I deserve to be broken up with in person? Or at least live on the phone, not just ignored until I stop calling.
There is a small chance that he isn’t trying to be rid of me. Last time we spoke he did mention a Memorial Day barbecue at his parents he wanted me to go to with him. Said he’d call back with the details. So far no call. If he calls me at 11:00 on Monday and says “see you at 1:00” do I just go like that’s totally cool? Or tell him I don’t feel like driving 5 hours round trip on my only day off until Thanksgiving, and that I’ve made other plans. In that same conversation he asked about whether we were going on vacation together in August. Does he really want to go on vacation or does he just not want to seem as if he doesn’t?
I realize it’s a pretty junior high problem; call him? don’t call him? Oh, what do I do? I just feel like here I’ll get more objective opinions. My mom’s answer to any and all problems I present is that I should move 750 miles to be near her. And my best friend is a self-proclaimed militant man hating lesbian whose solution to any relationship problem I present is that I should give up men entirely.
So, do I call and follow his lead, acting as if all’s right with the world? Call and demand a straight answer and better treatment? Or fade from the scene quietly?
Since he wasn’t man enough to mention it to you, your only decision is whether to bring up the issue for him – or just get on with your life without the conversation.
To paraphrase J. P. Morgan, if you have to ask if you’ve been dumped, you have been.
Sorry to say. Men are practically pathological sometimes when it comes to avoiding that particular discussion. My last umpthy-umpth girlfriends have all broken up with me, and you wouldn’t believe how long it took for some of them to learn their lines. (Don’t get me wrong–I’ve had my heart broken by some of these breakups, but even when I was dying to get out, I just couldn’t initiate.) It’s pathetic.
I share my favorite advice columnist’s astonishment at how many people, when faced with a situation like yours where they’re wondering how another person feels, would rather solicit advice from a stranger than simply ask the person in question.
So, not surprisingly, my advice is to ask him.
Call him again, and question him in no uncertain terms. Something like, “I feel like we’re drifting apart because we hardly ever talk or see each other anymore. I just need to know: is this relationship over?” If he avoids your calls, leave him voice mail (with that exact message). If he still doesn’t respond, send him an e-mail (again, with the same question). If he ignores that, too, then you know for sure that you’re dumped. Any attempts at casual communication on his part (i.e. acting like nothing’s wrong) from then on should be met with a controlled, yet incredulous, “What do you think you’re doing?” (Or, if I were you: “Look, I can’t talk right now, Bob is picking me up in 5 minutes.”)
I am very sorry that you’re in this position: few things rile me more than people who are either too cowardly to end a relationship or too selfish to notice that they’ve abandoned their SO – in your case both physically and emotionally.
You may have heard this one before - the key to healthy relationships is communication. Call him, ask him what’s going on, tell him you feel like your relationship is winding down, and ask him what he wants to do. If he evades or pretends everything is okay, then you mention to him some of your requirements: you expect to be called back when you call and leave a message, you expect to spend some time together, you expect him to make some real efforts to see you at X intervals (and you’ll do the same). If he can’t do these reasonable things, never mind making him say it, dump him.
It’s 2006, doll. Women have the right to equal communication; they can call and email without permission now. They also have the right to pre-emptively dump a guy who can’t muster the courage to take the step himself.
Go to the cookout at his parents’. Take him aside, ask him then. Surrounded by his family on familair ground, perhaps he’ll be honest and open then. If he’s a no-show, it’s confirmed he’s decided to dump you and he’s taken juuuuuust about the most cowardly way out to demonstrate it.
:: Scratches chin. ::
Actually, THE most cowardly way to do it would be for him to bring the current love of his life to that same cookout and proposes to her with a ring and “forget” to mention it to either one of you that the other woman would be there, in which case I suuuuure hope you bring your militant man-hating lesbian friend along.
Sorry to hear he’s treating you this way. I have to agree it sounds like he wants out but doesn’t have the courage to be open about it. A lot of men seem to be totally terrified of confrontation with women on breakups. I have been treated this way by guys before and it’s very hurtful and frustrating.
I would recommend calling and talking to him about it. While it might be hard to hear him say it outright, it’s a lot easier to move on if you can get some closure. Many men don’t seem to understand that “closure” is important to many women and so the “fade away quietly” method just ends up hurting more.
Not to hijack, but sometimes it’s the WOMAN who’s pathological about avoiding that particular discussion. And yes, I’m thinking of a specific woman who went to enormous lengths to avoid telling me she wanted to break up, and yes, I had to initiate the discussion. And yes I’m a little bitter.
I have to ask - what were your long-term plans? You say he moved out after five years of living together because of career considerations. Was it supposed to be a temporary job, or were you supposed to follow him at some point?
What I mean to say is, I don’t really get the relationship.
Don’t bother calling. You deserve the face to face time. after 11 years. If the barbeque thing doesn’t happen (and I think you should just call his parents, ask what time to be there and show up) then drive the hour and a half and talk to him face to face. Why let him weasel out so easily? You said you needed to do it face to face. So do it. Go there, and talk to him, so that you can see for yourself how he feels. So you won’t be wondering forever. And don’t tell him you’re coming, just show up. And then dump his sorry butt, face to face, like you would want it to be done to you.
I’m just astounded that your relationship is so tentative after almost a decade of being together. This is the sort of question a woman might ask after 6 months of being together, not regarding a person you’ve known over 10 years and lived with for 5 years.
Call him up and have it out. Why the amazing level of passivity on your part re getting a straight answer? Are you guys a couple or… what? Most women wouldn’t stand for that shit from a man who was supposedly committed to a relationship with them.
No one has commented on this yet, so I will: forget whether or not he’s dumped you. If the above is any indication of how you feel about this relationship, dump him. If I ever referred to a current girlfriend I who I had also dated in college as a “recycled girlfriend,” I’d expect her to slap me and start packing a bag. If that’s how you feel, isn’t it time it’s over?
How many suggestions have been posted to “just call him” when the OP was pretty explicit that the bum has been avoiding her calls?
Rather than hang on waiting for the blow that never falls, my suggestion would be to start dating as though he had moved away and left no forwarding address. If he calls to wonder why you have been silent, just explain that you were prompted to move on because of his silence. If that pushes him to re-establish contact, you then have the next worry about whether to accept his overtures, but if he squirms away, you have the satisfaction that he will not be able to think that he broke your heart. (If he did, don’t let him know.)
I’m not sure what your point is, AngelicGemma. The part of the OP you quote is just one “option” of three presented by gwendee – the full line is:
My reply was clearly “option B,” with advice for what to do if he keeps dodging her calls (which is the point tomndebb thinks everyone has ignored).
What part of any post do you think I didn’t read?
Don’t get me wrong, tomndebb is good people, it just seemed a bit ironic for him to ignore part of one post while criticizing others for ignoring part of another post.
