Should I kill myself? Yes or no.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I want to know if I should kill myself.

My reason: My sisters watch a cheesy, stupid, worthless, dumb, ARRRGH inducing Soap Opera called “Passions.” It involves an ancient, evil witch, an animated doll played by a midget, a young (unknowing) witch, and so on and so on. Very stupid.

My sisters watch this every day, and I usually catch some of it when I’m getting out of the shower/brushing my teeth/coming my hair/eating breakfast before I go to work. I always make fun of it, and rightly so, because it’s stupid.

But the other day, I found myself asking them why he was doing this, or what she did that for.

Then, Tuesday, I had the day off work. I was working on the computer, and I thought “Hey, Passions is on!” so I turned it on and watched it.

When my sisters got home they asked if I had watched it. I lied.

I don’t have to work tomorrow. I just know I’ll end up watching this damn show.

I think I should just kill myself right now on the spot and end the humiliation. Any similarly afflicted Dopers out there? Guys, especially. And straight guys, too. Tell me I’m not the only straight guy who watches cheesy stupid worthless soap operas.

–Tim

2

I’ve never heard of the show. However, from your description of it, I think killing yourself might be a bit too extreme. Gouging your eyes out with a hot poker might be better.

3

Yes. In a painfully slow and disgusting manner.

4

I know of the show you speak… that little boy creeps me out. I can’t watch the show because of that kid. (not that i ever watch soap operas… <whistle>)

Find yourself comedy central and watch that!

Screeme

5

Aug, you forgot to mention the extreme level of horrible acting displayed throughout the show. Yee.

6

How can you stand soap operas? It’s just a bunch of unreal bs. If you’re going to watch tv, don’t pick the lonely housewife’s babysitter programs. They’re fluff.

7

If you are then you might be in luck. Are there any hotties on the show? If so, you could rationalize that you watch it because of them. At least that’s what you could tell your buddies if they ever caught you.

For the sake of brotherhood I will admit to having watched a soap occasionaly in the past. Sammy from Days of Our Lives was VERY hot before she lost weight.

8

Mega: I like Theresa’s acting the best. (I had to look up her name. I swear.) This is a scene with Theresa and Ethan (also horrible).

Theresa: Ethan, I have to ask you something. ::blink blink:: ::shift eyes back and forth:: ::look confused:: ::blink blink:: ::look confused:: ::look worried:: ::blink blink:: ::shift eyes back and forth::
Ethan: What is it, Theresa? ::look ‘deep’:: ::look confused:: ::look like you’re thinking::
Theresa: Ethan, I, I, I… ::blink blink:: ::look worried:: ::shift eyes:: I have to go to the bathroom. ::look confused:: Where is it? ::look worried:: ::blink blink:: ::look worried::
Ethan: Down the hall, to the left. ::cock head:: ::look worried:: ::look deep::
Exit Ethan

Theresa, monologue: ::clasp hands in front of chest:: ::look sad:: ::teary eyes:: ::look confused:: ::open and close mouth slightly a few dozen times:: ::blink blink:: ::unclasp hands:: ::clasp hands:: ::blink blink:: ::look worried:: ::shift eyes a bajillion times:: He’ll love me one day, I just know it. We’re made for each other. We’re meant to be. We will get married and have five children. I know he’ll love me. He will. He does! He does? He will. Oh, Ethan, if you only knew. I love you, Ethan. ::unclasp hands:: ::clasp hands:: ::blink blink ad freaking nauseum:: ::shift eyes, AGAIN!:: ::look confused:: ::fish mouth:: ::shift eyes::
Tim enters.
Tim draws pistol.
Tim shoots Theresa in the head.
Tim exits.
End.

–Tim

9

Now, Homer, you and I go back a bit but really, to kill yourself over a TV show? Even I wouldn’t suggest that was the right thing to do.

Now, the show you are talking about comes on before the Soap I actually watch. Yes, I do watch Days of our Lives. But that is not the point. The one you are talking about, Passions, has that weird little freak on it that always talks about himself in the third person. Timmy doesn’t like this or Timmy doesn’t like that, when he is the character speaking! That right there is creepy and weird. Worth killing yourself over? No. Worth killing the writer over? Maybe.

Passions seems to be a soap for the very, very young, pre-teen and teen viewer. Because for the most part, I watch it and verbally abuse it. Mind you I’m watching the last five or so minutes before MY soap comes on so who am I to judge? I have watched enough of it to see that the plots are simple, basic, and tantalizing only if you think the occult might have a play in your love life. Otherwise, you are like me and laughing your ass off during the final five minutes.

But then we get to Days of our Lives. An even bigger joke, really. I watch it because I get so much out of shouting things at the players. I would miss it if it were gone. It’s my verbal abuse function for the day. I can’t even say I’m sorry because I’m not. It crakes me up to no end! The John Black guy… when ever he comes on screen I yell, “it’s a wet paper bag, John! Act your way out of it!” and he can’t. Or, nine times out of ten, I can tell you where something is going.

Like, let’s say, two folks are necking up a hot and heavy storm… there’s gonna be a phone call or knock at the door. And NEVER let these folks into a car; they will crash it. And don’t let them get on an airplane or it will crash… and if you die in a soap you really aren’t dead… because Goddess knows some writer will bring you back in the most fantastic way!

Soaps are silly and banal but I think most watch them the way I do; so they can spend an hour or so yelling at the TV and get a small blurb of satisfaction.

But don’t kill yourself over it. Like most shows, it’s for entertainment only.

10

Dang you’re morbid, Homer. I took your threat title at face value and thought I was going to enter the scene of a virtual intervention, with you out on some skyscraper ledge with your laptop, counting up the posts that said, “Jump!” and the ones that said, “Don’t do it think of your family!!!”

11

Passions also has two separate dark haired
girls who are in love and scheming to get
two different guys who are in love with
blond haired girls. Can anyone tell these
two stories apart?

On Days of our Lives, what is going to
happen when Abe and Brandon realize they
are father and son?

12

TV rots your brain. I wouldn’t kill yourself, but you better start reading War and Peace to make up for it. And for christ sake don’t watch that drivel again!!

13

First: People, try to avoid thread titles such as this one, please?

Second: Do you think that this silly nonsense is something new? General Hospital had stories about mad scientists threatening to freeze the world back in the early 80’s, Luke Spenser had a story line where he turned out to be the re-incarnation of Alexander the Great(he actually used the sword of Alexander like a phaser to blow the bad guy out a window!), and for a while one of the regular cast members was an alien!

14

I’ll throw in Marlena on Days being possessed by the Devil.

I’d also like to point out that most of people who watch these soaps will tell you WWF/WCW/ECW wrestling is stupid. Uh, sorry same thing they are both Soap Operas except wrestling doesn’t take itself so seriously.

slythe – That Alexander the Great thing kills me… Are the writers of this stuff the people who took the Brown Acid?

Homer – Take heart! Some day you will be freed from this force that oppresses you. I have recently been freed from the bondage of my Fiancee’s favorite show. Beverly Hills 90210. Thank the Lord!! :d

She however will be trapped for an eternity by SportsCenter. (insert evil laugh here)

15

Thank God someone out there felt the same pain I did! My wife watched 90210 every week. I did a dance of joy when it finally died. I could finally stop my self-imposed exile from the house on Wednesday nights.

16

I’ll admit my deepest, darkest secret . . . I watch * The Young and the Restless * every day. No aliens, no posessions, but still, my husband teases me mercilessly about it. Every once in a while he’ll be home when it’s on. “What’s going on? Oh, jeeze, are they still on * that? * The plot hasn’t moved in a MONTH?!?”

17

Frankly, I don’t think that suicide should be taken lightly. It’s pretty tackless to do so.

18

I have a TV radio at work and I listen to soaps all day. It’s a great diversion. The one that really entertains is Passions. I don’t even have to SEE the actors to know that the acting is atrocious! But that makes it all the better to make fun of. Byz, I totally know where you’re coming from.

Is anyone surprised that the head writer who came up with the “Marlena possessed” storyline is now the head writer/creator of Passions?

19

destroy your TV, now!
that might help

20

You watch a show with a talking midget? What’s next - evil sad clowns and monkeys wearing clothes?