Should I Let My Kid Work For The Neighbor For Next To Nothing?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So here’s the situation: My 13 year-old son has been going to the neighbor’s house quite frequently and for long hours to stay with an elderly, terminally ill lady. He doesn’t do much actual work while he’s there- fetches her this or that, fluffs her pillows, makes sure she doesn’t die without someone being there to call 911, etc. I’d liken it much to babysitting a 6 or 7 year-old child. The people that normally do these things are her also-elderly daughter and son-in-law. They have their own house up the road, but they’ve been having to practically live with the old lady to take care of her.

Then my son comes along, and now they are spending up to 10 hours at a time out in town, or at their own house, and having him stay with the old lady. Just this weekend alone, he has already spent about 20 hours there. He does get to eat their food and watch their cable. He does enjoy doing this, and has even told the people that he’d do it for free.

However, he’s at an age where he always wants this or that. New shoes, fishing pole, fast food, etc- he is constantly asking me for money that I really can’t afford. He also constantly needs money for school and school supplies- field trips, etc.

These neighbors have paid him a grand total of $20 over the past two weeks for approximately 60 hours of work. I’m really starting to feel like they’re taking advantage of him, regardless of what he tells them about being willing to work for free. He’s young, he’s eager to please- there’s no need to take that and use it to such an extent. I think that if he wasn’t at the neighbors so much, he could be at other neighbors’ houses, earning actual money doing chores and such.

I think that I should go over to these neighbors and let them know that I feel that they are taking advantage of him and his time, and that if they want him to do this for them, that they need to start paying him a lot more. He feels that I would embarrass him to no end doing this and that then he would die of shame.

What would you do?

2

I would do the following.

First, you need to start figuring out what he really needs and what he just wants. Needs you get to deal with - you’re the parent. Wants? He has a beautiful opportunity here to learn how money-making works, and the joys of buying stuff (and experiences) for himself.

I would explain to your budding care-giver that he’s got a great opportunity here to start building a reputation as an upstanding young person that people will be grateful to pay, now and in the future, for providing elder and child-care services for busy “sandwich generation” working families. All he needs to do now is look around and determine an appropriate pay scale for his elder-keeping. Since he has been doing it for free, and he likes using their cable and eating their food, I would suggest to him that about half the market value of non-professional babysitting or eldercare would be about right, with the understanding that the food and cable is making up the difference.

Then, casually point out that he needs to get hopping on letting the family know this, because “x” is coming up (where x is something that he wants, but doesn’t need) and you aren’t going to be paying for x anymore, since he’s obviously old enough to find a good job in a rotten economy.

3

True, there is a big difference between needing new shoes because the soles are coming off the old ones, and wanting a Big Mac. And I think I do draw the distinction pretty well with most things. But then there are things like the big 8th grade field trip to Washington, DC coming up in the spring that will cost over $500. I’m not paying for all of that. I also had an 8th grade trip to DC, and I babysat every Sunday night for 9 months and saved up every penny of what I made to help my parents pay for it. I think he should do the same. But he won’t be able to do that if he’s spending all his free time working for them for pennies an hour. I agree that he should be the one to talk to them about getting paid more, but he finds it awkward and doesn’t know what to say.

4

Honestly, I’m with you on this one. I mean, the kid seems very adult, but this is kind of an awkward and fraught conversation and I wouldn’t see anything wrong with his mom having it. I do think it’s absolutely wonderful that he’s doing this, even for nothing, and that he isn’t weirded out or grossed out by working with this elderly lady. You should be proud of him. But you’re right, they’re taking advantage of him. They might not have meant to in the beginning - it sort of happened that they relied on his more and more, maybe. But now it’s too much and you’re right to feel that if this continues he needs to get paid more. Young people, even in their 20’s, undervalue their work. I agree with you that you should step in and have a word.

5

Perhaps suggest to them that your son may not be able to spend much time over there, as he needs to find work to raise funds for his trip. They may get the hint, they may not. Then, as suggested, suggest to your son that he probably should be spending more of his time finding ways to fund said trip.
I would VERY strongly suggest not having your son ask for more money from the family, for several reasons. For one, this is an incredibly generous and nice thing your son is doing, because it IS without expectations. He should be highly encouraged in that. That is not common, and if he carries that into adulthood then he will be an exceptional man, indeed. So discouraging that now, for whatever reason, seems almost cruel.

On the other hand, if the family COULD pay him more and just aren’t, then setting a limited number of hours for him to be over there might just make them realize it’s worth it. If they really CANT afford it, and are just really, really appreciating the break from long-term care, then they should appreciate what time he does spend there even more.

I really do hope you don’t make it an either-or situation, because him being there is both helping them and encouraging him to continue being a wonderful person, and Og knows we could use more of them.

6

At some point a child reaches an age where they can be expected to start taking over some of their expenses. The problem with this is that there are two different major considerations, and I think they are confusing things here.

The first is needs vs wants. Obviously, some things are the parents’ responsibility and some things are the kid’s responsibility. Basic shoes? Obviously the parents. The difference between basic shoes and “trendy” shoes? Arguably the kid. Other things are context dependent: if mom is stopping to buy herself and the younger kids McDs, I think it’d be horrible to make a 14 year old pay for his own, or make a PB&J at home–paying for food is a basic parent job. But if a kid is out with his friends and wants McDs then instead of waiting to get home to eat what the family is eating–he should pay. I guess what I am saying is that there is some murky water here about what exactly he should pay for and I think you probably don’t know even yourself. You need to figure out some basic principles and let him know, in a concrete and predictable way, so that he can make choices about what to do with his time.

The second, and I think the one that is really making this hard, is whatever else the kid has going on. Take two kids: Jim and Bob. Jim hangs around the house all summer watching TV and playing X-box. When school is in session, he takes less challenging courses and makes mostly Bs, with the occasional A and the occasional C. He’s not in any extracurriculars. Bob, on the other hand, spends his summers in an unpaid internship that’s likely to look good on his college app. He plays football in the fall, and baseball in the spring, so is in practice a couple hours after school each day. Despite this, he is also on the school newspaper staff and maintains mostly As with the occasional B in a full set of very challenging courses.

If I were Jim’s mom, I would expect him to find a way to cover his expenses, but if I were Bob’s mom, I’d probably feel like he was using his time very productively, and it would be appropriate for me to cover not just the things he needs but whatever luxuries seemed reasonable and were not an undue strain (I don’t mean anything he wanted, but whatever was normal in his peer group). I"d want to subsidize that kind of behavior because I would think it would be helping him develop as a person, and that it would be a shame for a kid to have to give up some really interesting opportunities so that he could work some crappy job.

So the question is–is taking care of a terminally old person being more of a Bob or a Jim? Is it a behavior you want to subsidize because it’s good for his soul and worth doing, or is it a way for him to semi-goof around while getting a little freedom and space from mom nagging? Only you can see that dynamic. But it may well be that you see it as slightly-better-than-goofing-off and he sees it as being a Saint and something you should admire him for, and your resentment may confuse him.

Whatever happens, it’s going to have to be his call, but he needs to make an informed choice. If he’s going to be expected to take over specific expenses, he needs to know which ones and when, and then he can figure out what to do. You can point out that he isn’t obligated to keep going there for free, and make suggestions about talking to them, but I wouldn’t talk to the neighbors yourself. If this is really what he wants–and he understands the trade-off-- I would let it be.

7

Your somewhat confrontational plan is not IMO all that well thought out. This situation has sort of developed out of your son’s willingness to be helpful. It’s like having a kid hang around a retail store that wants to be helpful and paying him a few dollars. Since he is effectively babysitting just figure out what the local baby sitting wage is and have HIM tell them that for future onsite care taking where he is going to be out of the house he needs to be paid xxx an hour.

For a 13 year old boy to have mommy bear go over and tell the neighbors what’s what would be massively embarrassing on several levels and infantilizes him. He needs to do this himself as a business transaction. Your discussion with him needs to be how he goes about approaching this on a businesslike basis by himself to get the deal done and teaching him the value of his time.

8

Here’s a creative idea that my mother made my twin sister and me do when we wanted to go on a big class trip.

We wrote letters to family members explaining what we wanted to do and solicited donations. The donations plus our earnings at Six Flags paid our way to Europe. I think my parents only coughed up the dough for our luggage.

So your son could write letters to family members and his “adopted” family (because that’s how they are treating him, intentionally or not).

If I’m not mistaken, your son has special needs, right? If so, I’m wondering if the neighbors think an informal “in-kind” business relationship is fair just because your son doesn’t have other prospects, like a “normal” kid would have. That’s exploitative, and I would definitely keep an eye on them. But I also wouldn’t meddle too much. Thirteen is still kind of young to be earning your keep outside of the home, I think.

9

This is not just a business deal, though. It’s not mowing the lawn…one would assume the kid is fond of the old lady, emotionally. No? If he is then it would be incredibly hard for him to take a stand that basically involves abandoning his friend if he cant get paid. IMHO he needs some adult backup on the negotiations - an emotionally disinterested third party. Or mom.

10

Well, he will be 14 next month. And he does have some special needs, but at this point it’s not really noticeable outside of a school setting. I do think that he mostly does this for them as a way to get out of the house (and away from me) and so he isn’t really looking at it as a way to make money. But I think he should be. I guess that’s the more jaded and worldly me thinking, but then again, 20+ hours in one weekend is a lot to give just out of the kindness of your heart.

He just went over there, and I had a talk with him before leaving about what to say to them, which is basically what **Taomist ** suggested- that he should just tell them that he may not be able to spend as much time over there because he needs to find a way to make money for his DC trip. That way he’s not putting them on the spot with “pay me more”, and they are free to say either “We’ll miss you, good luck” or “no, stay, we’ll pay you more”.

Also, he told me yesterday that they asked him to take a day off of school so that they could go play golf. Hearing that pretty much pushed me over from “Aw, those poor overworked people, you should help them” to “Those cheap bastards, they should pay you more”. And no, no way in hell is he missing school for them.

11

This is what needs to be explained in the business discussion with mom prior to going over. He is not “abandoning” her if they cannot agree on price, he is simply letting someone else (the relatives) do the job he was doing for virtually nothing.

Beyond this from a real world negotiation perspective where are they going to get anyone to do this job cheaper than a teenage boy charging babysitters fees? What are they going to do other than take over the job themselves? He’s giving them a fantastic deal. He needs to understand this going over. There is almost the expectation that this kid is going to fall to pieces transacting a simple bit of business and needs to be helicoptered. This is not IMO a healthy expectation to have for a young man and does not build self reliance.

12

I would let it go for now, the women is terminally ill so there is going to be a natural end to the situation. Your son is doing something he enjoys out of the goodness of his heart. You shouldn’t bring money directly into the situation lest you give him the idea that there should always be money involved in helping people out.

I do, however think that he could be looking for ways to help pay for his extra costs. He could suggest to the neighbors that he does do lawnmowing (or someother small job) for $X and that some days he can mow the lawn while he’s visiting. This separates what he’s willing to do for free from an actual job that he can offer to do for them and offer to the other neighbors. He can make up his own business cards and even show his elderly friend who would probably suggest to her relatives that they hire him.

13

To a point. If her son is spending 20 hours+ a week enabling the responsible relatives to recreate while effectively babysitting he should be compensated. He needs money and they need free time so there should be compensation deal for his time. The notion that he should spend large hunks of his time taking the burden off of non-related adults with means for nothing is absurd.

14

This is my feeling exactly.

15

Yeah, that would be my tipping point, too. Absolutely not.

16

This goes beyond being cheap and I would probably being going apeshit at this point. They want your son to be truant so they can play golf? It wouldn’t matter if they were paying him $20/hour. Kids aren’t supposed to be skipping school to work. What a couple of fuckwits!

17

Oh, yeah. Just to be clear, I wouldn’t let him skip school for them for any amount of money. But just them asking instantly took away any sympathy I had for them in the first place.

18

The golf this is obviously way out of line, but do have any idea how valuable “Doing 20 hr/wk voluntary work looking after terminally ill old lady” when the kid applies to college? There are an awful lot of scholarship funds looking out for this kind of thing.

19

I see your point, but he’s more like a trade school or military kind of guy. Just trust me on that.

20

The truancy thing IS making me apeshit!

Why aren’t we talking about this in the pit?