Never mind - self-depreciating can also be used in this application.
(bolding mostly mine)
That’s the key right there. I know everyone says that doctoral students are prime candidates for the impostor syndrome, but in my case, I sometimes think it might be true. I didn’t apply to my program; I was recruited after one semester in a master’s program that required a course from him. He proposed that I apply a week before the application deadline. He said–and this is true–“It’s my letter that will get you in. But write some good essays too.”
So I was accepted after only having one graduate-level course. Now I see it as he thinks he made a big mistake, but he’s invested too much into me to let me go completely.
In my limited experience with graduate school, everyone eventually runs across a concept that they struggle with. The difference between the ones that make it and that don’t is more hardheaded stubbornness than innate ability.
Why did the professor recruit you in the first place? I doubt it was because of your powers of self-deprecation. IvoryTowerDenizen’s response is a much better way to get help because your original response comes off as kind of whiny. It’s the response of someone who accepts that he doesn’t understand rather than someone who will smash his face into a book (or a bug professor!) until he does.
He’s an advisor, not your boss, don’t take that from him. Send him an email saying “Hey, lot of thought you put into your answer there! How about spending some more brain cells and giving me at least a paragraph cause your reply was crap?”
That would be professional suicide.
(bolding mine). I got a little chuckle out of that image.
Your, and IvoryTowerDenizen’s, advice is great too. I just wish I had more backbone when I’m in his presence. I already have professionally diagnosed anxiety and depression, so there’s that. But he’s just so intimidating. His eyes are piercing when he’s asking a question, and he doesn’t seem to have much patience. When I ask a follow-up question, the tone of his voice and his body language suggest that he feels I’m wasting his time.
BTW, I’m not the only person who feels this way. An accounting professor (a full professor) told me that he’s terrified of my advisor. And he has no reason to be! In fact, occasionally, professors will sit in on his classes to learn something. He’s got a lot of power here, and although he doesn’t overtly wield it as much as could, just knowing how much he could fuck me over makes me a little nervous to cross him.
At least it’s professional. 
Trust me, the quickest way to lose the respect of the faculty is to be whiny and to act like no one else has gone through this turmoil before. Every PhD student goes through anxiety and questions their self worth. The day I mailed my dissertation out to my outside readers I cried all night because it was such a piece of garbage. But the fact remains that your future colleagues are going to remember how you handled yourself before they remember anything else about you.
My motto was to always act like the next stage in my career- when I was a new grad student I tried to act like a more accomplished student- not by pretending I knew everything but by emulating the composure and confidence that more senior grad students had when presenting themselves. As a senior grad student I took on responsibilities that post-docs often shouldered. There is a difference between recognizing your own weakness and whining about your own weaknesses.
Please don’t get me wrong- I don’t anything about you to know how you handle yourself. But if you want respect you don’t wait until someone bestows it on you with a title of “Dr.”. Comport yourself with dignity and pride- and your weaknesses will be seen sympathetically, not as a moral failing.
ETA: Oh, and your advisor could be a total asshole. No doubt. Trial by fire- but them main lesson is the same. Oh, and asking for help is not the same as crossing him.
Ah, I can see your apprehension then. I’m curious, why did you decide to go into this program if you’re so unsure of it? Is it a field you genuinely want to get into? Maybe you should sit down with your adviser and tell him your concerns. He might be able to give you a confidence boost that this is the right program for you to be in.
You’re probably not thinking like this yet if you’re very early in your anxiety recovery, but things like this are his problem, not yours. You’re in, it’s your opportunity, and if he regrets it, too frickin’ bad for him.
And he probably doesn’t regret it. Depression and anxiety lie. They tell you things like “you aren’t good enough” and turn any evidence that you are, in fact, doing just fine into evidence that you aren’t–like the fact that you got recruited is turned into “he regrets it.” Classic cognitive distortion. Talk to your therapist about this.
Well, I’ve already completed course work and taken my comprehensive exams. I’m now in dissertation phase. But there’s a reason for the term ABD
I went into the program because I was getting my masters in the same area, and have always wanted to get a Ph.D. (since junior high). I saw this as an opportunity that was being offered to me that I just couldn’t pass up. I finished up the masters program at the same time that I began work on the doctorate. I got the masters in May 2008. Now all (ha! all) I have to do is finish the dissertation.
That’s right - that’s the other half of that equation. You’re probably not seeing things completely clearly and telling yourself things that aren’t 100% true.
I’m glad you two are here, as I wanted to explain this, but I’m not sure I’d have made as much sense.
I have what I call the “So what?” principle, where I investigate my thoughts and find out why a particular thought scares me. I think “So what if it’s true? What will actually happen?” And, whatever it is, I find I could actually handle it.
So how this would work in my mind:
My professor thinks he made a mistake in getting me: Surely that’s not true. But what if it is? So what? What are the actual consequences? He’ll be a bit mean to me: I can handle that. Or he’ll kick me out. Well, I’d be no worse off then when I started. I can handle this. Worrying about it is just going to make me feel worse. I’ll find something else to think about.
Part of the PhD working model is the demonstration of independent, self-directed learning. If your advisor bounces back “basic principles” back to you, he/she/it wants you to figure it out for yourself.
That sounds like a good method - you’re taking out what is probably a fairly unrealistic thought and applying some logic to it, rather than just assuming the distortion is accurate. You’re also minimizing instead of catastrophizing.
This, this, 1000x this.
I have been through this self-doubt thing and depression/anxiety thing. I go through it all the time, even now, as I ponder whether I am worthy enough to apply to Ph.D. programs in my field. People, my professors included, tell me, ‘‘You really should apply for a Ph.D.’’ and yet all I can see are the flaws, the things I don’t know, the experiences I don’t have.
Two things I have learned
- I am a piss-poor judge of my own abilities. I will let the people hired to make the decisions decide whether or not I am truly a good fit for the job.
Since doing this, and plunging forward despite my self doubt, I have received so many opportunities I deemed myself ‘‘unworthy’’ for.
- You should NEVER draw attention to your flaws in a professional situation, no matter how much you feel like they are obvious. Nine times out of ten, the person didn’t notice or care. Calling attention to them increases the odds that a person will notice or care, and also make you look insecure. It’s fine to BE insecure, just keep your insecurity to yourself.
Now. That said, Ph.D. students aren’t really supposed to know anything. My husband is in his 2nd year of a clinical psychology program and he feels dumb as a brick. So do all his fellow candidates. I’ve felt like a moron through the entire first year of my MSW Program, and I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. If you feel stupid, it’s good. It means you have some exciting learning opportunities ahead of you. You’d best get used to the discomfort right now, because it’s a part of the process. Grad school is an exercise in humility.
Second, terrifying people are a blessing in disguise. They can push you to overcompensate in order to prove them wrong. Think of it that way. Think about your work as proving your advisor wrong.
And remember, you aren’t alone. Not in your doubts, not in your fear and heartbreak, and certainly not here.
P.S. To be singled out like that as a potential Ph.D. candidate is remarkable. You must really be something special.
Other people have said some good stuff. I want to add that you don’t need to try and be a mind-reader. You are thinking that you know what your professor is thinking, and you know how he is going to react, but you don’t really. You are just taking your thoughts (about being an imposter, and that you are supposed to know things without them being explained, and whatever else) and putting them on him, as if he is the one thinking them. But they come from you, not him. And they more than likely come from your depression and have no truth in them whatsoever.
Thanks for the things to ponder, all. I can’t fully express how much hearing your thoughts on things has helped me reevaluate this situation.
BigT, my previous therapist used to have me work on thought challenging, which seems a lot like your method.
My biggest problem is believing and putting into practice what I know intellectually. It feels as if the two halves of my mind–emotional and rational–don’t like to communicate. I think sometimes that if I could just turn off my emotions, I’d be in better shape.
Well, thanks to everyone here, I won’t be sending the email I originally intended. I will be confident, but not arrogant. I’ll simply ask for help, and not worry about something that I can’t possibly truly know (his thoughts about me).
Good for you! As long as you’re making a real effort to understand things yourself, your adviser shouldn’t mind helping you.
Some professors are also just intimidating. When I gave a talk or had a committee meeting, the chair of my thesis committee would sit there with his head at an angle and his eyes closed, pinching the bridge of his nose as if my talk were causing him physical pain. It was intimidating as heck at first, but I eventually realized that he did that a lot when he was listening hard; he didn’t do it because he hated me and thought I was totally worthless. You just can’t tell with people sometimes.
I want to suggest a resource for you - www.stat-help.com. You can get questions answered there that you’re too embarrassed or anxious to ask your advisor.