Thanks.
I just brought it up with hubby and we had a huge blow out over it. It seems I’ll be toughing it out, or possibly looking for a new job and not trying to have kids. I dunno right now.
How long have you been at your current job?
Did your therapist have any other suggestions regarding coping with the stresses of trying to conceive and handling antagonistic behavior in the workplace? Hopefully so, since it is important to develop such coping skills, in particular because so few of us can just take a month off to decompress. If not, you might want to look for another therapist to supplement or substitute for your current one.
Adding children to a stressful life does not diminish stress. Perhaps ensuring you have a good situation regarding your job, or really good coping mechanisms should be a top priority before getting pregnant. Even if you were planning to leave your job once you had a baby, stress coping skills are really important. I am prone to stress and had limited skills in dealing with it before I had kids. It’s hard to learn them on the fly.
Good luck and hugs to you!
Ah, I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like you’re really at a loss here trying to make a decision on this job. I’ve been there before (too many times), and if I had a good method of making those kinds of choices, I’d definitely tell you.
I am somewhat confused - you know if you start a new job directly from this one you’ll still be entitled to a full year of EI, right?
Now, granted your take home will only be $1,750/month (I’m assuming you’re at the top of the benefit ladder) and that includes the Universal Childcare Tax Credit of $100 per month, but it’s not like you’ll be brining nothing into the relationship finance wise.
What, specifically was your husband’s objection?
Just a brief update: I spoke with the husband last night and he is very concerned that I may burn bridges if I take leave right now, then come back pregnant, only to take maternity leave seven months later. He thinks that if I try to come back from maternity leave part time (which is ideal), they won’t even consider it because they’ll be pissed. He is also worried that they may try to move me somewhere where I’ll hate the job and will end up quitting, which also isn’t ideal.
I think he’s right, so we’re pursuing other options (continued and increased therapy, acupuncture, TCM, meditation) for now.
Thanks for the input everyone.
Don’t know if you saw my earlier question, but I’m genuinely interested in how long you’ve been at your current job.
I’m intrigued by how you’re going to cope with a baby if contemplating conception is so stressful that you need six weeks leave to deal with it. I know you listed other reasons for taking the leave, but the plan to soon begin trying to have a baby is right there at the top of the list. Having been there, done that, I understand how ongoing fertility problems cause the stress to mount up and up the longer it takes but going into the conception process already so stressed that you need to take leave from work? It doesn’t sound like making a baby should be your top priority until you get other things under your control so that your stress levels aren’t so high.
(If the above looks like big conclusions drawn from small amounts of information, it’s probably me projecting. Feel free to factor that into any decisions you may make about the quality of my advice).
I’ve been here for 19 months.
Thanks for the advice, but there are big bits of information missing that may lead you to draw a different conclusion if I wrote about them. I appreciate the input however.
As a parent of three, I second this.
If you’re the type that gets stressed out very easily, to the point that you need professional help, do you think having children would be a good idea?
Look, it’s not just that I’m stressed from our fertility issues. I want to give my body the very best chance of conceiving and that means eliminating stress, even normal day to day stresses. I see a therapist for reasons other then fertility and stress, and it’s someone I’ve been seeing for seven years. The ONLY reason I considered taking stress leave is the give it my best shot by getting rid of as many external stressors as possible, including work stress, the stress from doing invasive fertility treatments, etc.
I have a normal amount of stress in my day to day life (which I generally deal with just fine, as most of you do, I’m sure), plus the additional stress of trying to conceive, which is also normal for anyone in that situation. But when you’ve been trying to conceive for three years, you get to the point where you’ll try ANYTHING to get pregnant, including taking a leave from work if it’s at all possible, which I guess for me, is not possible.
I fully understand that it is stressful being a parent and I am DESPERATELY HOPING to deal with that stress at some point. Saying to me that I may not be ready for being a parent because I ‘can’t deal with stress now’ is a kick in the gut.
Fertility treatments are incredibly stressful: the best way I ever heard it described is that it is as if you are waiting for biopsy results 2 weeks out of every month. Add a couple of miscarriages and you are describing a situation that can’t fairly be described as “stressed out very easily”.
Thank you, that is exactly it. I am one miscarriage away from repeat loss testing as well. It’s been a rough three years.
EmAnJ, try not to worry too much about the stress: “stress” is the way people blame the victim for infertility–it makes it your fault for just not relaxing enough. I don’t know what your particular issues are, and I am hope that they are fixable with medical intervention, but the problems are in someone’s reproductive system, I promise.
Thank you so much. It’s so hard to hear people say that I need to relax when it’s so difficult to not think about it all the time, especially during the two week wait. It’s especially hard because we’re ‘unexplained’ and everything seems normal (as far as they’ve tested).
Either way, I’m not taking leave, but am booked in for acupuncture and a consult with a traditional Chinese medicine practitioner next Thursday, as is my husband. We’re going to try this along with our next two IUIs and then take a break from trying for a few months while continuing acu and TCM.
Being the parent of a new baby, particulary if its your first, can be incredibly stressful what with the lack of sleep, the crying etc. and you WON’T be able to walk away from it or take leave.
And then you have the financial penalties.
It will be a twenty four hour duty every day for the forseeable future.
Do you think that you will be able to handle it ?
I’d seriously think long and hard before you commit yourself to this if you are having difficulty coping with stress.
And I’m surprised at your therapist encouraging you in this.
Agreed.
We spent three years trying to conceive and decided that the stress it was putting on us - on our relationship and our lives - was too much. At one point I looked at my reproductive endochronolist and said “we’re done. If we keep going I might have a baby, but I won’t have a husband.” We ended up adopting. Then we conceived by surprise during one of the most stressful periods of our lives. (We were also “normal” - no reason we weren’t concieving.)
Don’t loose your life to TTC…Having children does not make you a better person. Not having children does not mean you are a failure. Being childless isn’t horrible (and you’ll get more sleep and have more money). Adopting isn’t second best.
I also hope that medical intervention is successful. All the best.
She’s not saying she can’t handle it. She’s saying that she is concerned that handling it is preventing her from conceiving/carrying to term. I can handle a lot of stress, but if I wanted to write the great American novel, I’d need to cut a lot of it out.
Now, I tend to think her concerns are mostly groundless: as I said above, I tend to think the emphasis on “stress” is really a form of (often self-imposed) blaming the victim.
Furthermore, there are a thousand support systems for new parents. Infertility treatments are a lonely path. I have never heard of anyone who got pregnant after infertility treatments and was at all nostalgic for the old days when all they had to worry about was whether they would ever be a parent.