Did you miss where I said I HOPE AND PRAY I get that chance? I look forward to it. I would LOVE to be sleep deprived because I was up all night with an infant. I would give anything to have a twenty four hour duty to a child. I would do anything to have mounds of laundry to do, housework I can never catch up on, baby puke on my clothes and baby poop in my hair. I WANT this, yet I keep failing to get this every month. THAT is what I’m stressed about. Get it?
This is going to be an unpopular opinion, I imagine, but I really believe that if somebody (anybody, not just you) has this much trouble having kids - that maybe it’s nature’s way of telling you to adopt. I don’t believe in God but I do believe that nature has an order about it that works like a fine machine. When we try and tinker with the formula, we end up with Octomom’s and the like.
And I agree with the posters asking how you’ll handle the stress of motherhood if you can’t handle the stress of a job (are you an air-traffic controller?) After all, you can’t take a six week “stress” break from parenthood (though I’m not Canadian… maybe you can up there).
Also, children really reflect their parents when it comes to their personalities and they way they handle stress. Will your son or daughter be allowed to take 6 weeks off from school each year when they have a tough time? You have to be able to teach proper coping mechanisms and I don’t see how you could do so if your first instinct was to take time off (before considering the alternatives).
Can you just take a break from the baby-making for a year and get back to practicing the baby-making, if you know what I mean? Maybe relaxing on your ambitions of motherhood and just trying to focus on have fun with sex again will help?
Also, put your legs in the air while swinging a dead cat in a graveyard or something. Can’t hurt, right?
Ha, yes, that’s the plan. We have two more IUIs coming up, and if they don’t work, were taking a break for the summer.
It’s just difficult for me to take a break, because I know my husband has an age when he’ll want to stop trying, and it just feels like we’re getting closer and closer and I don’t want to miss our chance.
And also, I should add that some weird twist of fate happened hours after I originally posted this thread. The woman that’s been causing 90% of my problems at work has been fired! A sign! Ha! I’m hoping this helps with a lot of the ongoing issues and things settle down.
Count me as one of the people suspecting your ability to be a successful parent to an infant (I’m sure you’d be an excellent parent to an older child and above).
With your history of depression, alcoholism and eating disorders combined with your other issues (spending money out of control) I can’t see how you’ll be a fit mother to an infant. If you need time off just to conceive, let alone be pregnant and give birth, well… Many fit, able-bodied women who get pregnant naturally suffer from post-partum depression; what’s to indicate you aren’t almost guaranteed to get it?
And, from your husband’s perspective, should he be trusting you to make the best decision for you both? It sounds like the baby mania has taken over your judgment. It doesn’t sound like he wants to be the sole breadwinner, and yet with you putting so much focus into being around for an infant in your last post, it seems like you’d like nothing more than to be a stay at home mom. He’s more concerned for your job than you are, perhaps because you don’t seem to be taking it very seriously.
Hasn’t he already taken a lesser paying job so he could spend more time with you? Doesn’t that obligate you to have a job as well to contribute to household expenses?
Sorry, having read your more recent responses I realize I misunderstood where you’re at in the TTC process. I thought you were just about to start trying, not three years in. I fully understand how that’s a stressful point to reach (maybe you can relate to my inability to sympathise with people who start flipping out a month or less into TTC).
I have no idea where you got any of the points I have bolded. Where did I say or infer that I’m spending money out of control? Where did I say he took a lesser paying job? You really have me confused for someone else.
We have a going back to work plan for me that involves a number of options, but there was never an option for me to stay home. We have a good support system here, and my husbands work schedule is such that our child will only need daycare two days a week, at most (usually none). My husband has worked as a fire fighter for four years, and that was a decision based upon his life long goal to be a fire fighter. I have no idea where you got the idea that he changed his job for me?
I certainly have suffered from mild depression, alcoholism and eating disorders, but are you then inferring that someone who has suffered from any of those issues should never have kids, regardless of if they have fully recovered or not?
My stress is from trying to conceive and some from work. Work stress is on par with what most of you experience. Telling someone who is stressed from trying to conceive to STOP trying is counterproductive. Sure, we’ll take breaks. We’re getting help to deal with the problems we’re having (via the therapy that some seem to think is an indicator that I shouldn’t have kids for some reason). I no longer have issues with alcohol or eating disorders (and haven’t for years) and though post partum depression could be a concern, I’m sure it’s a concern for many, many moms.
Either way, I’m sorry I started this thread. I don’t think I’ll be checking on it anymore.
I obviously don’t have you confused for someone else if I brought up your history of alcoholism, eating disorders, and depression - something you did not admit to in the OP. I recall him working out of town for two weeks at a time, during which time you spent tons of money. Then he decided to take a different job (the firefighter one) so he could be with you all the time. Definite cut in pay. If I have you confused with someone else, I’m very sorry. But I don’t think I do.
Never said that YOU said that, I was inferring it from your posts. You’re already considering part time work aft a year’s maternity leave; that doesn’t scream “job commitment”.
I think if you’ve been in therapy for 7 years, it’s a far cry from “mild”. I think that someone with a history of mental instability should reconsider, absolutely. And I don’t think I’m in the minority either. You kind of have a triple whammy going on there.
Look, nobody starts these threads without getting advice they don’t want to hear. For the most part you’ve actually gotten excellent advice from a variety of people. I’m not telling you to stop trying to conceive. I’m asking you take everything into account: your history of mental illness, anorexia and alcoholism, the fact you haven’t been using any birth control in 9 years, your issues with stress and work and the fact you’ve been in therapy for 7 years.
That’s a lotta stuff on your plate. And a baby isn’t going to make everything better, it’s only going to make it a whole hell of a lot harder.
You started the thread to get support for an idea even your husband doesn’t support. That should really tell you something about your priorities and how much emphasis you’re putting on having a baby.
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He is a fire fighter because it has been his dream since he was a kid and it take YEARS to get in here (it took him two years just to go through the application process). His leaving work in the oilfield had little to do with my preferences. My spending money was done because he worked in the oil field and made lots of money (so we had lots to spend) AND I was 22/23 at the time and irresponsible with money. Once he switched jobs and our finances changed, we reined the spending in and are very financially responsible at 30.
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Working part time afterwards was HIS suggestion, not mine. HE wants me to cut back on hours so I can be at home more for the kids. He makes more then enough money to cover us even if I do decide I don’t want to go back to work. He has also thrown around the idea that we move out of the city and cut our costs even more, so I can stay at home full time. HIS idea, not mine.
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Both of us are full proponents of therapy as an ongoing support system, EVEN in times of calm. We go for check in’s every few months, even if no issues have cropped up. The fact that I’ve been with her for seven years just speaks to the fact that she’s a great therapist that we both like. BOTH of us go to her, both together and separately, for problems above and beyond those you’ve listed. We have learned how to argue in a constructive manner, worked out minor arguments, and have learned a lot about each other with her help.
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HE doesn’t support my taking time off work right now. He FULLY supports having a child. We’ve been discussing and preparing to have kids for YEARS.
Your view of me is rabidly skewed and piecemeal. Add to that the fact that you don’t have kids, and if I recall, don’t even want any, and you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.
EmAnJ, as one of the people that has been on both sides of the fence (3 years of infertility, invasive fertility treatments and now parenthood (oh and throw in years worth of (now treated) depression)), can I just say *please *ignore all the people who are trying to tell you that if you can’t cope with the stress of infertility, you’ll never cope with the stress of parenthood. Just forget them. It’s totally different.
Yes, having a baby is stressful in some ways that you can’t imagine till you’re (fingers crossed) there, but it’s so different from the ongoing stress of trying to get pregnant. No one knows how they will cope with parenthood until they are thrown into it, and I don’t see why you should be told that you’ll obviously not cope if you can’t deal with failing to get pregnant. There are plenty of people out there not fit to be parents, but those stressed at not being *able *to get pregnant are not the ones they should be worried about.
I don’t know if you’ll see this, but please know that there are plenty of us out there that know all too well how you feel, and really do sympathise. There are so many bloody fertile people out there who see fit to judge us for our desire to get pregnant, and I’ve encountered it too. It makes an already painful situation so much worse.
Oh, and I was told that because of my history of depression, I’d be certain to get PPD. I didn’t. I was stressed as a new mother, but that’s easing as my son gets older.
I really hope you get to find out what kind of mother you’ll be. I’m pretty sure us infertile people try that bit harder when we get the opportunity to become parents. All the best in the coming months.
You don’t owe lindsaybluth the time of day. Much less any explanation or justification as to how you lead your life.
Me. Infertility treatments were stressful. Having kids, three trips to the emergency room in 24 hours for a toddler who kept having seizures before he was finally admitted, having a daughter who turned blue in the cold and we thought she’d need open heart surgery. Having our son disappear in a park for 45 minutes as a toddler. Having my husband be four days from his last day at work with a household budget that wouldn’t cover expenses and kids. Currently, we are waiting six months to discover whether or not my son might go blind (its low risk, but he has an abnormal optic nerve that is ‘troubling’ to his ophthalmologist). Yeah, there have been times - plenty of times - where I’ve been nostalgic for the “oh, won’t I ever conceive” stress. Life without children was infinitely simpler and much less stressful - even three years in to infertility when I was obsessing over being pregnant - for me. That doesn’t mean I haven’t found coping skills I would have never imagined I had - parenting does help you rise to the occasion. But I’ve never met someone for whom having children after infertility cured stress. What it does do is make you start stressing for someone else, instead of over yourself. Its much more stressful, but its, I think, a less destructive stress.
(A friend of mine went through infertility treatments for her first two children. The second one was diagnosed with cancer at eleven months and they had an infant who went through six months of chemo. Guess what happened during that six months? Yeah, stress and infertility, I’m not buying the causation relationship. She now had three healthy children.)
But do you now feel dismissive of women who complain about the stress of infertility treatments?
I don’t have any advice for you on dealing with stress, particularly not the stress of trying to conceive - but I wanted to wish you luck with a job that sounds far from ideal for you (although, yay that the main source of your problems has been fired - sounds like she was causing problems for lots of people, so fingers crossed that things get easier for you soon!)
And I also wanted to add my voice to those who say you don’t need to justify yourself to those who doubt your parenting ability because you used to have problems that you have since got over. If only perfect people could have children, we’d certainly not be facing the problems with overpopulation the world has…
No, its really very stressful. But at the same time, I think it IS valid to say “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”
There is no return counter for kids. Its a one way “I’ve made the commitment and now I need to move forward” thing. You don’t get stress leave. There are few mental health days (and only then if you have someone around like my Mom to give them to you).
From an infertility standpoint, you can get caught up so much in the idea of “baby” that you can completely forget that the hard work is still to come after conception. Its a little like getting married - you can get so tied up in “wedding” that you can completely forget its the marriage that is the important part. And I know a lot of people who went through fertility treatments or adoption and then had incredible let downs and problems when they had a real, honest to god, baby. (Just like I know a lot of women who got so caught up in the wedding, they completely forgot that they’d need to maintain a marriage. Fortunately, in that case there is divorce. With kids, its just sad.
And I’m not saying that is happening here. But I’m also saying that its important not to LET it happen.
As one of the people who commented on current stress and stress of having kids let me say a few things-
First: I apologize that my post made you feel dumped on. I can see that it hurt and I’m sorry.
I know that I did not intent to suggest that only “perfect people” should have kids or that you have no coping skills. Based on your OP, which indicated that, at least in part, a toxic work environment was making you contemplate a leave of absence I was concerned that adding a child to the mix would not make things less stressful, but potentially more. It wasn’t a competition- infertility stress vs new baby stress, but just an observation that being a new parent is really really stressful and if you were struggling now, perhaps that was something to deal with before the kidlet comes.
You’ve since clarified that you meant that the absence was less about the toxic work environment but to generally reduce stress to optimize your success at having a child. But please don’t underestimate the stress of combining a new child with an unhealthy work situation. I’ve been there and it was horrible. For me, I needed (and wanted!) to be at work but to leave my new baby to go to this awful place made the separation, that I was already ambivalent about, really hard to bear. I eventually left that job and found a better one. I was lucky to have been able to do so.
So, I am sorry if the remark seemed callous. I still think it is a legitimate concern to raise. If you don’t think it applies to you that’s great, and I wish all the best.
I conceived through IVF during a really stressful time at work, so it can be done. But when you know you are feeling stressed it does make things harder. I would look at ways to better manage the stress you are naturally feeling through work and treatment. I found yoga, acupuncuture, meditation and conscious enjoyment of a few little things helped with stress. And planning something fun beyond AC gave me another point of focus - a trip to Cambodia that I eventually did at 10 weeks preg, but would have been just as awesome even if I hadn’t been.
Good to hear 90% of your work stress has just been eradicated! I’d been having problems with a manager and luckily did my ICSI when he was on leave.
But remember, it’s pretty much down to the right conditions in your body and the sperm/egg themselves. The right attitude can make it easier to deal with, but if you can’t get your stress under control it won’t be your fault if a cycle fails. It will just make resolving how you feel easier. It is what it is was my mantra; try to let go just a little and remember to enjoy life while you’re trying. Good luck!
I’m gonna cross my fingers for you. No matter what unkind things other people may post here, I’ve always believed that really wanting to be a parent is the fist step to being a good one.
Hang in there and be kind to yourself. I’ll send up good wishes for you 
So first you called me a liar. I clearly didn’t misconstrue a thing; you DID have wild spending sprees to the tune of several thousand dollars a month on clothes, shoes, etc. And he DID decide to do the firefighter thing because of you being an alcoholic during the same time period. You didn’t find out it was a “lifelong dream” till AFTER your total breakdown.
Okay, see the thing is I am supportive of therapy, but it’s ridiculously to suggest you’re “cured” or fine or past it (which you’re suggesting). If you need a 3rd party to continually monitor your relationship, you’re clearly not fine. That only served to reinforce the sentiment many have that you’re not “cured” of depression or alcoholism, merely recovering.
Right, which I pointed out; I never said he didn’t support you having kids, I suggested you were putting undue pressure on him as a result of your rabidness of having kids
You called me a liar for pointing out the things you’ve admitted to in the past. I was incorrect about nothing. I don’t have kids but neither do you; whether you like it or not that puts us in the exact same boat. I do want kids but not for 8-10 years. Incidentally my partner would like us to try for kids as soon as 6 years from now.
Like I said, I genuinely think you’d be a good parent. But you’ve clearly gone off the deep end with trying to get knocked up. I’m not alone in saying taking off time just to get knocked up is madness. Dangerosa has continually offered her support and insight into adoption in your various threads and you steadfastly ignore every single word she says.
She’s talking about her life and she’s bound to get responses she doesn’t like. Incidentally, I’m one of many of the “you need 6 weeks of from life every 5 years?” or “you need 6 weeks off of life to get knocked up?” posters.