No advice here, I don’t have children or any experience of things like that. Just wanted to wish you well and I hope things turn out for the best for you and your husband. Good luck!
lindsaybluth, she said she doesn’t want to continue the conversation. Let it go.
lindsaybluth your comments in this thread have been unhelpful and at times downright mean.
I’m not sure what your motivation for posting in this thread is, but if it’s to score Internet Coolness Points[sup]TM[/sup] that’s really low.
She has always been a mean poster, IMHO. Nothing she says is very insightful or helpful.
To the OP, I would worry about taking stress leave now, since you’d eventually be taking maternity leave (if everything goes off as planned). Is there a way to cut back on hours instead? Forgive me if you’ve already answered this question.
At my office, we can set our own schedules, and I have found it helpful in destressing my life. Being able to come and go as you please and work from home on occassion, makes being able to balance work and “life” much easier. Is that an option?
As for the gossips, please don’t let them steal your sunshine. They’re jerks and there’s no rule that you have to give any of them any of your precious headspace.
I am unfortunately unable to reduce my hours. Actually, that’s part of the issue in the first place. I was working 7 to 4, which is within the allowable work hours, and because I live far from work and I miss a lot of rush hour if I work at that time. But, the lady who was fired complained about it over and over. So, I offered to change my hours, though I really didn’t want to. So I now work 8:30 to 5:30.
I also have times when I travel around for work, and have been doing so recently. In the past, I just went without telling anyone (not that I have to, I answer to my boss only and he always knows where I am). This woman started complaining and making comments to other higher-ups about how I’m never in the office. So, I started emailing her my travel schedule, and also posting notes outside my office indicating I was out of the office and including my cell phone number. This issues continued. Every time my boss and I met, he’d bring up that ‘someone’ complained about my hours in the office. He always said he was happy with my work and hours, but ‘perception’ is important, which I suppose is true.
In November, I started tracking my time in a spreadsheet just to cover my ass. About three weeks ago, yet again, he brought up that someone had complained, this time it was the Director of HR. This scares me. I told him that I had been tracking my time and he said he would use it if needed to defend me. The final straw for me this week, and what partly initiated the actual consideration of leave, was that when I met with him on Thursday, he again brought up that someone was complaining, but this time he said it was the President (my office is just down from his). I cracked at this point and stupidly told him that this made me feel like I should look for another job, as I’d done all I could do and didn’t know what else would help. I asked if I should stop traveling to the other offices (I’ve been training new members of our team and attending meetings) and he said that I shouldn’t.
The problem is, I don’t trust him. I don’t know if he’s making these issues up to somehow psych me out and worry about my job, in effect making me work harder and longer hours (which I have been, to date), or if this is all actually true and I should be very concerned for my job. This post was made after that meeting and is the culmination of months and months of this issue. I have looked for another job and have gone on a few interviews, but my industry has more applicants then jobs and I have been passed over.
I am trying to move to another division within this company so I don’t lose the 19 months I’ve been here, but so far, no luck.
So all this, on top of the fertility thing, on top of finding out my youngest (unprepared) sister is now seven weeks pregnant, has all come to a head and I feel like everything is working against me right now.
Now that that woman has been fired, I am hoping things improve. I spoke to my husband last night about this, and our plan for now is for us to go forward with our next two IUI’s, then take a minimum of three months off from trying. During those three months, I’m going to look for another job if things don’t improve for me.
Wow, your boss is not covering your ass in any way he should be. If he knows your hours, and he knows what you’re doing, and he’s happy with it, his response to the muttering should be to tell them to mind their own business, not validate the mutterers and bring the complaints to you. I’m not sure why he’s acting like this - incompetence? He actually does want you to quit?
I think that sounds like a sensible plan, EmAnJ - hopefully things will improve, but in case they don’t, you’ve set yourself a definite point to reconsider your options. And, for what it’s worth, I also think it’s sensible to try that during your three months off - job hunting is stressful enough, trying to conceive is clearly very stressful; mixing the two sounds not ideal.
So, if it helps at all, you have the unsolicited approval of a total stranger in a completely different country…
ETA: Your boss sucks. Seriously - his only answer ought to have been “you know she works out of the office - she’s working in X place until Y day”. Now that the Screaming Harpy has gone, is there the possibility of going back to you 7-4 shift? Avoiding rush hour is always a good thing!
And good luck in working out a way to deal with your sister’s pregnancy. That must be a very complicated situation for you - I hope everything goes well.
Jeez. You described that so matter of factly, but that must be so stressful to deal with on a day to day basis. If my working environment was half that stressful I’d be a basket case, fertility problems or no.
I really hope that things get better now that the shit-stirrer has been fired. Even so, with a boss like that, I think I’d be looking for a new job anyway. You never know how he’ll react the next time anything difficult comes up (say, different working hours around your next treatment cycle, agreed or not, or issues associated with a difficult pregnancy (I don’t know whether to wish that on you or not!). Better to start looking now when it’s not a desperate situation and you have the time to find something you actually want to move to.
Anyway, sounds like a particular confluence of events overwhelmed you for a moment there. It’s totally understandable. May your next IUI bring you much discomfort and morning sickness.
Or replying “of course she isn’t here - she’s over at the other office training people. Which is part of her JOB. Would you like her to stop doing her job?”
I wouldn’t trust a boss who felt the need to tell me that others were asking about my whereabouts unless he was also telling me about how he shuts that down.
I’m not sure I have much advice on whether or not to take the stress leave, but I was in a very similar situation (except for the co-worker issues) about 8-9 years ago. I was in a very stressful job and plus I was trying to get pregnant and failing miserably. It was horrible. At one point I took a 6-week leave from work, partly to get away from the stress of work and partly to concentrate on our first IVF. I’m glad I took it and there weren’t any repercussions at my work. Little did I know that we would have another 1.5 years of infertility treatment before getting pregnant. I probably would have quit my job if I hadn’t been concerned about transferring my insurance coverage to my husband’s policy.
It ended up taking us about 4 years to conceive. So I have an idea of how miserable you are feeling. Whether or not to take the stress leave? Hard for me to say. You can get pregnant while under stress - I am proof. I did take a mind-body class for women going through IF treatment that helped immensely but I was never able to “let it go” the way some of the other women did. On the other hand, less stress can’t hurt.
Good luck with your IUIs!
No great advice for you here, either, EmAnJ, just wanted to wish you the best of luck. I’m sure things are going to work out for you one way or another.
I have nothing useful to add, but I wanted to say that Neeps really hit the nail on the head here.
I’ve been on both sides, too, and I have to say, I found that the stress of infertility and the stress of a baby were totally different. I was miserable with the infertility stress and thankful for the baby stress.
Maybe you should get a fertility clown for your next set of treatments?
Best of luck!
Hahaha, thanks for the advice! I’ve been hearing about Laughter Yoga - perhaps I should try it!
I posted in my IUI thread - the IUI didn’t work this month, so we’re on to number two. I’m hoping to find other ways to de-stress this month and am going to attempt to cut back on my work travel as well.
Can’t gang up on people in IMHO and you know that. Don’t be a jerk.
Dude, I said she’d be a good parent multiple times. Just not to an infant. But taking off months at a time for “life” is ridiculous. And other people have said the same.
What part is unhelpful - the part about “you have multiple mental issues you may want to consider” or “perhaps taking time off of life means you need to concentrate on yourself and not bring another person into this world”? Or the part about how she could consider adoption instead of ignoring absolutely everything Dangerosa says? Being “mean” is an opinion. Bringing up her mental history and assorted issues is factual.
She said she was leaving the thread long ago. Then she’s come back multiple times.
EmAnJ, I’m sorry stuff sucks for you right now. I’m in a similar boat myself, considering leave because I’m so constantly overworked and overstressed at work and it’s affecting my health. And I’ll be trying to conceive soonish, also, and I worry what the stress will do at that point. My therapist has been telling me that my job is killing me slowly and I should probably get out of there. She’s completely right, but I love what I do and I keep hoping it’ll get better.
I think that as long as you understand that things will probably be the same or worse when you go back, and you use the time off to chill out and try to make a baby and not see it as the solution to everything, then it could be worth it for you. But definitely look for another job in the meantime. What are the benefits you’re losing if you leave? And are they worth the toll on your health? Also, don’t call it “stress leave” - it’s medical leave and they don’t need to know anything more about it than that.
Agreed.
EmAnJ,
Do what is best for you. Infertility is very stressful. Yes, parenting is hard but it doesn’t compare with the stress of facing non-working body parts. Once you are a parent you know that you’ll get through things and come out okay on the other side. Even if the baby isn’t sleeping through the night or potty trained you know that stage will end. With infertility you never know if you’ll actually get a live baby at the end of the process.
Best of luck that your time coping with this is short.
Really, this whole post is what I’m talking about, but the bolded part is the really choice bit, particularly coming from someone who has no idea what she’s talking about. Unless you have an infant that you care for? And no, a sibling does NOT count.
I’ve had many of the same issues as EmAnJ and I’ve done just fine parenting, even with an infant. Seriously - how is someone supposed to take that? ‘Gee EmAnJ if someone will give you a 2-year-old you’ll do great, but other than that, you’re going to be a crap parent!’
Ugh. Obnoxious.
Further, being stressed out, and recognizing that you’re stressed out, and taking steps to get better is a sign of GOOD mental health - not an inability to cope. It’s what a good therapist or psychologist would recommend. Again, I’m assuming you’re not either of those things?
Every post of yours in this thread has been pure, plan old mean. At least Dangerosa has a bit of experience and has offered some advice. All you’ve done is try to cut the OP down and make her feel like shit for even trying to conceive while not in a ‘perfect’ head space.
It’s nasty, it’s mean, and the more I read from you the more I think you really are just trying to score points at the OP’s expense.
Shame on you.
Another childless person chiming in with a worthless opinion. Here goes nothing.
My maternal grandmother had a lot of stress. What I’m about to say is not meant to make her sound heroic; her experience was actually pretty typical for her generation. Still a lot of stress, though.
– Eighth grade education
– After which she worked in a cigar factory, until she married Grampa
– Who worked for the railroad, so he was away a lot
– And they didn’t have a phone, so he couldn’t call when he was away.
– Gave birth to my mom in 1930. IOW, the start of the depression. She would have found out she was pregnant shortly after Black Friday, though I don’t know how seriously she, Grampa or their contemporaries were taking it at first.
– Didn’t have a dishwasher, central air, or a thousand and one things we all take for granted now
– And still had five more children. All of whom lived to adulthood (still not a given in those days).
I’unno. The way my mom tells it, it almost sounds like Gramma’s stress caused six pregnancies. (And given six successful births, there was probably at least one miscarriage in there somewhere. I don’t even wanna know.)
I do know one thing, though. This planet is not doing so well, and it is getting very difficult to keep up with our rate of consumption. Look, EmAnJ, I know you want a baby really, really bad. I want to live in London really, really bad, but it’s not likely to happen at this rate. Maybe, and I know I’ll get cornholed for this, but maybe you should put aside your wants in this case, for the greater good.
ETA: Oh, and Grampa was an alcoholic too, and he didn’t get to go to rehab; he just had to quit cold turkey.
Rilchiam - your post is a bit confusing for a variety of reasons, one of which may be sleep deprivation on my part.
You’ve told the story of your grandmother who had a lot of stress, had things really bad and had 6 children who she was able to take care of. Ok - so the OP should be in good shape with work stress and a preggo younger sister. Got it.
But then you say this:
I suppose that’s a good thought - certainly my husband and I are planning on participating in the foster system once Junior is a bit older and we have a bit more practice.
But…are you suggesting that the OP should not have a child because China has too many of them? You know China just won’t give her one, right? The adoption process is probably as difficult, if not more, than just getting pregnant - I’ve never adopted, so I don’t actually have first hand knowledge, but friends/coworkers who have gone this route have a number of issues that I don’t have with preggo baby.
Further, I really MUST ask, if you’re suggesting that EmAnJ give up the idea of having a baby for the greater good - what life long dream have YOU given up to that end? FWIW, you not being in London doesn’t actually help the planet in any appreciable way, so I don’t think that’s a good example.
Seriously - not snarking here - what you’ve suggested is pretty out there - I’m wondering where you’re coming from. FWIW, I gave up my car for 3 years to help the environment. It sucked - transit in this city is crap, but there you go. However, when it became obvious that I was going to start assaulting my fellow transit riders I went and got a car. I mean, I’m all for doing my part, but no need to wear a hair-shirt, ya know?
This is IMHO, where we debate the “less than cosmic” issues. The issue the OP brings before us, however, is deeply personal and deeply emotional.
I am asking that everyone take a step back and consider the implications of our words. Points have been made that do not, on this subject, need to be hammered home.
If anyone, even those who have posted, have enlightening information to share, but all means continue to participate. But please consider that if you’ve made your point, continuing to make it on this subject may continue to be hurtful to the OP.
Thanks,
Ellen Cherry