In an ideal world this would be the case, but in reality I think an employee who takes stress leave (or leave for other mental health reasons), particularly in a “down” economy, is likely to have a lingering question mark hovering over them for some time to come. She’s free to use whatever benefits are available to her, but if I were an employer I’d have serious misgivings about the future reliability of an employee who requested stress leave *before *getting pregnant.
alice_in_wonderland: Okay, sorry, wasn’t trying to go that far. No, I’m not saying that EmAnJ should stop TTC, now, this minute, before another African child dies. What I am saying is that there was a time when people kept having babies, and it was overwhelming at times, until they learned to use birth control. And now people are desperate to have babies, and they’re overwhelmed from the effort of trying. Why not just let what happens, happen? I didn’t mention adoption or China, and I’m not holding up any option as the right one; I don’t know what she should do. Except be open to accepting whatever happens.
Because we don’t have to, thanks to medical science. This is a pet peeve of mine: Infertility treatments do not inevitably mean tens of thousands of dollars and incredibly invasive medical procedures. They are also very, very effective in this day and age. For many, many couples, something as mild as a few rounds of clomid does the trick: for many others, interuterine insemination does the trick, and that can be as cheap as a couple hundred dollars, and almost never more than a couple thousand. Even IVF is getting cheaper all the time: even completely out of pocket, a round of IVF costs less than a year of day care, and with a good clinic and a relatively healthy patient, has a very high success rate–over 50%.
EmAnJ’s prognosis is pretty good the odds are overwhelmingly in her favor that she will be successful eventually. A well-timed, medicated IUI cycle in a totally fertile person results in pregnancy 1 out of 4 times, which is pretty much the same odds as well-timed sex. She got pregnant one out of the two times she’s tried this. She lost the baby once–again, perfectly normal: 1/4 pregnancies miscarry. It’s just nowhere near time for the “Maybe you should start reconciling yourself” talk. It’s like someone comes home from the doctor with a bad pap smear, and suddenly you’re recommending that they start calling oncologists and checking out wigs.
Exactly. Infertility is a medical condition. What’s wrong with treating a medical condition? Adoption should be out of a desire to adopt not because someone smugly demands you do it.
The planet is not going to collapse because a small minority of people treat a medical condition and bring wanted children into it as a result.
This is such bizarre logic. We treat people prone to genetic or non-genetic chronic conditions everyday. Are you saying they should read a sign into an illness and just be open to whatever happens?
To the OP: I wouldn’t take the leave unless you’re in a unionized situation.
Although its also important to realize that its a medical condition with numerous causes, not all of which are curable. Medical science has gotten way more advanced than it was, and far more women can conceive using it than ever, but there is no guarantee at the end that it will happen. Nor that the possible cure will be within any given woman’s (or couple’s) comfort zone. Like adoption, donor sperm or eggs or invasive technology like IVF may not be acceptable to everyone. It can be something that you chase for years without a positive outcome. And it is a very stressful chase. Its important to have some idea of your own limits - and measure it regularly - or you can get lost in it. And when you are in EmAnJ’s situation (which is like mine was) and they are saying “well, everything looks functional” it can be particularly maddening.
I think EmAnJ’s prognosis is also very good though and encourage her to keep trying - as long as it doesn’t impact her own health (physical or mental) or her marriage. It sounds like her job is the root cause of the stress - with the infertility an “extra add” - rather than the infertility the stress. Frankly, the job sounds like it sucks donkey balls. Hopefully, the cause has been removed and it will get easier.
I’d also encourage her to live her life as if the treatments were not going to be successful - find a new job. Book vacations. Go ahead and live your life, don’t put it on hold with “I hope I’ll be pregnant.” If you don’t get maternity leave, you’ll cope. If you have to cancel vacation, you’ll cope. But you won’t look back on a life on hold if it doesn’t happen - or if it does happen but its another three years from now.
That’s kind of what I keep thinking, too - “Life is what happens while you’re busy making plans.” I think you just have to make the best decisions with the knowledge you have now, not try and second-guess the future. I think the best decision at this point is to keep on trying with the fertility people, but keep on looking for another job, too - I don’t understand why your boss is being such a tool, EmAnJ, and when I don’t understand things at work like that, I think it’s because there’s something wrong going on.
Those are all very good points. I hope EmAnJ is still reading this thread. Treatments for infertility aren’t always as simple as a round of clomid or an IUI. She should investigate what’s covered under her medical plan and what exactly is not.
Yes, I’m still reading this thread and am very thankful for the discussion and advice. FYI, LavenderBlue, only some of my medication is covered under our plan, the rest is out of pocket, which is a big consideration for us.
Some of the discussion in this post has made me really think about what our end point is. Previous to this week, I was thinking we’d do an IVF and possibly an FET, if it works out that way. But the more I thought about it and looked in to it, the more I’m leaning towards the possibility of domestic adoption instead. The cost for domestic adoption is about the same as and IVF and FET, though the wait is much longer (the few places I’ve looked quote six to thirty months), but the results are more guaranteed. This is something my husband and I have to discuss at length (with our therapist - they are handy) to figure out if we’re on the same page. In previous discussions with my husband, he’s stated that he’ll do IVF, but wasn’t really interested in talking about adoption. I don’t know if that’s because he’s against it, or if he doesn’t want to talk about that possible eventuality yet.
To another point, I am continuing to live my life, which helps with the sanity (though the fact that it’s winter right now and we aren’t doing much isn’t helping right now). I decided last fall to stop living my life like I was pregnant, which is really common for people TTC. I joined a local road racing (cycling) team last month and am training for the race season right now. We have plans to attend a week-long cycling camp in B.C. in May - I can still go if I’m pregnant and just use the time to relax. I’m starting to train for a couple of half marathons and cross country races this summer in Alberta, B.C. and Quebec. I’ve started the application process to get a Masters, which will help my career. All of this can be put on hold if I do get pregnant, but it’s a nice diversion in the meantime.
I know I have a couple of PM’s to answer, which I will do a little bit later this morning when I have some time.
Thanks again for all the wonderful advice and support, though a lot of the comments in this thread sort of sent me in to a tailspin the last couple of days - mostly because of the timing.
Best of wishes to you, EmAnJ.
As someone who has been through this process with both male and female infertility problems I personally know how painful and difficult it can be. It’s okay to let it hurt. Do what is best for you and your family. Remember you don’t have to justify your family building decisions to anyone else. I’m glad you have a therapist to work with.
IVF and adoption are both equally valid reproductive choices.
That was eventually where we went (international adoption). The stress of treatments were driving me crazy and our end goal was to be parents, not to get pregnant. But every couple needs to think through each step on their own. There aren’t right or wrong answers. My sister has two boys from IVF. My cousin remained childless. Friends went from the TTC rollercoaster to a hellish ride on the adoption coaster - five years after starting they still don’t have kids - but aren’t ready to give up yet. Be respectful of your spouse and his opinions - but encourage honesty - for BOTH of you. Men are often at such a loss over this.
It might be worth waiting until the dust settles from the recent firing, but I think you should get out in front of this.
If I were you, I’d take that spreadsheet showing your hours worked to the HR director personally. Just say you’d heard there were some concerns, so you wanted to clear the air. Then review your job description, including travel requirements, and your process for notifying everyone of where you at what times. Present your documented hours. Be extra helpful in suggesting ways for other people to find you.
Never just say, “I’m out of the office.” Say, “I’m working at the branch office for these hours.”
Don’t get involved about who’s gossiping or who’s causing problems. That’s will just make you look suspicious. Just approach it all as a simple misunderstanding that can be easily cleared up.
The more polite and helpful you are, in sorting out this simple confusion, the better it all will go for you.
I think this is fantastic advice.
I’d go a step further and suggest you invite your manager to that meeting too. Otherwise you risk being seen as going over your manager’s head. Which is what you’re doing in a way, but you can make it look otherwise if you include the manager.
This is excellent advice, thank you. However, to throw another wrench in the cogs, the Director of HR is also being let go. Apparently, they are eliminating the position. Can you tell how much this company values functional groups? :dubious:
But, once the dust settles, I am hoping that things run more smoothly. The posting for the replacement for the nosy gossip went up today, and hopefully they have someone new in that isn’t so high on the perceived power.
I read through the thread with the intention of telling you just this. I’ve been TTC for over 2 years now, I just recently I decided to take my life back. I’m looking for a job that less baby friendly than my current work-from-home gig (which I hate, but “I’ll be so great when there’s a baby”). I eat fish with mercury, don’t avoid strenuous activity, drink when I want to, stopped taking those damn prenatals that I swear were mocking me every morning, have sex when I want to and not when the chart tells me. I’m planning vacations again, and I even bought a pair of skinny jeans (I seriously would not buy new pants for 2 years, so sure was I that I wouldn’t get much wear out of them).
It was hard, because I’m a planner. And certainly nothing I’m doing is going to help me get pregnant. I don’t know what’s next. We still very much want children, but what I need more than anything is to be happy again. To not live like my life is on pause, as it has been the last 2 years.
If I may interject…
No. No, no, no. A billion times no. Working from home because you have pre-schoolage children and no childcare provider is working from home for the wrong reason. You know why it’s called “working from home”? Because you’re working. *Not *taking care of children. The next time someone suggests you should stay with your current arrangement because it will be “convenient” when you have a baby, punch them in the teeth.
It’s posts like these that make me love you Guns.
And here I was hoping it was my great rack.
And so right, as well. To continue the hijack… My company has very liberal work from home policies. But if you have young children, you need to have childcare for them. For a reason.
That glorious period where they sleep all day and you get a lot of work done - its over before your maternity leave ends. Even then, it didn’t happen because you spent 30 minutes out of every two- three hours feeding the baby.
At around six months they become mobile - and most are not content in a playpen. Now they need you on top of them every moment. A few more months and they are really attached to you - now not only do you need to be on top of them every moment - you don’t have a choice - they follow you around like a puppy. And that is life until they are around four - not enough common sense to be trusted alone, so dependent on you that even if they could be trusted alone, you can’t get them to leave you alone.
And then - eventually - the day comes where you discover you’ve gone to pee, and shut the door with your kid outside. You are peeing - alone.
If you can’t pee alone, how anyone expects to get work done with small children around is beyond me.
To be fair, perhaps she just meant that the logistics of childcare would be easier with a work-from-home gig. I have a childminder lined up for when I go back to work (in two weeks :eek:), but if I could WFH, and take all the commuting time out of the equation, the childminder would be cheaper, and it would be a less stressful proposition, in terms of drop-off and pick-up.
Perhaps that’s all she meant. It not, I hope she will be grateful to get a little perpective on how hard (impossible) it would be to work and look after a baby/young child at the same time. With the best will in the world, if it is just you and a baby at home, no work is going to get done.
That being said, my brother and sister-in-law both work from home, together, and juggle the childcare of two young boys between them. It works for them, so it’s not impossible to do if you are prepared to work early and late, and trade off duties. And get help in when needed. They do work for themselves, though, so that makes a huge difference.
Best of luck, Obsidian.