I’m not even going to dignify this with a complete response - others have covered it for me. He has access to a proper breakfast, his mother has told him not to buy breakfast at school. He continues to do so. Perhaps punishment is the wrong word, perhaps “taking responsibility for a debt incurred by you” is more appropriate.
Either way, the kid/almost-adult needs to realize that incurring a debt means paying it back, either in cash or in kind. That’s the way the real world works. I’m sorry if your world with its pink elephants and lemonade doesn’t work that way.
There’re multiple problems. I’ll leave aside the family issues, though.
If the school answers that they’re not willing to play ball by limiting or cancelling the account, try to send a scary-sounding cease and desist order. Someone earlier said,
Bar associatiations (at least in my state) have a referral system that gets you a free, 1/2 hour consultation. I know that it’s an extreme solution, but on multiple occasions I’ve spent more than I’d’ve saved just to make a point, and the point here is that the school is extending credit without your approval, without a contract, and without a choice. So, screw the school as much as you can if they won’t cooperate.
My high school encouraged the use of the cafeteria (or in their parlance, “the Commons”) as a social gathering place. We also had an open campus, meaning that we were free to leave the school grounds during lunch. Oh, get this: students were allowed to smoke on school property at designated entrances! (And the school computer lab was also designated as a smoking area for staff.) The only downside was that the parking lot didn’t have re-entry rights, i.e., you couldn’t leave campus and come back in your car.
We give my daughter $20 per week for her breakfasts and lunches. I don’t set any rules about how she has to spend it, except to tell her that if she goes over $20 per week, it comes out of her own pocket. * I also allow her to keep anything that she hasn’t spent.* If she chooses to pack every day, that’s an easy $20 in her pocket every week – but she has to be discliplined enough to get up a little earlier to give her time to pack.
If she choses to spend the entire $20 on grossly marked up items such as granola bars and vitamin water, and she’s done that before, she’s free to do that too. It doesn’t take her long to realize how hungry she gets when she chooses to spend her money on cool vitamin water instead of real food. Nor does it take her long to realize how quickly that $40 she earned babysitting gets eaten up with frivolous stuff.
For my part, I keep the fridge and pantry stocked with lunchmeat, bread, fruit, granola bars, etc. so that when she feels inspired, she can pack. She’s free to request anything from the grocery store, too, which I’ll buy within reason. (I won’t buy Vitamin Waters. Sorry. I don’t spend money on designer water.) Some weeks she’ll pack every day. Other weeks she’ll buy every day. Currently, she’s trying to save up for an iTouch, so she’s been packing more.
So she’s learning about budgeting and choices, just in a very subtle way. She’s not a lecture learner. She’s a trickle learner. So I keep trickling.
Another thing that I’ll do: I occasionally see wrappers in her backpack and will buy a box of that brand from the grocery store the next time I go. And I’ll show her the receipt and do the math about how much I paid per bar. Then I’ll ask her how much the school charges for the same thing. It’s refreshing to hear her say, "What a rip off!’
It wasn’t pleasant, but I say it to illustrate that different schools have widely different policies. Of all the schools I went to, that one (which I went to from 2nd to 5th grade, was one of the strangest - I got sent home because my new shoes squeaked and walking through the hallways was disturbing other classes). So that when we say “well he could just …” (in this case ‘join the eaters as a non-eater’) maybe he can. Maybe he can’t.
Opal is going to have to figure out what the school can and is willing to do for her. If they can’t or aren’t willing - or if she wants to fix it herself - she’s going to have to figure out some way to deal with it without the schools help. By high school, schools don’t tend to be in the business of babysitting (the open campus thing of the 1970s where there were student smoking areas - do you think the teachers called home to say “can Jason have a smoke?” or “Can Shelly leave campus?”). And they really shouldn’t be. The staff has too many kids and too little staff to be substitute parents for each one.
I really appreciate all the replies so far. It’s given me a lot to think about. We’re still waiting to hear back from the school (we emailed and left voicemail).
This, exactly. Set him up with an allowance that allows him to pay for his lunches plus some other stuff, then just let him have the bills and wash your hands of the whole affair. If the bill is set up for direct payment from a credit card or bank account that will be a little trickier, but if there is some way to get a paper copy of the bill he can easily deal with it.
I know that good parents try to instill good food choices in their kids, and that is obviously great, but I think some can really crack down too hard kids wanting to eat a little bit of food that is not great for them. Most kids, especially teenage boys, will want to eat some amount of junk food, and making it so clearly off limits is only going to give it that extra ‘forbidden fruit’ attractiveness.
Well, how is he physically buying food? If he’s charging it, he must have some kind of card, right? If the school bizarrely refuses to close the account, cut up the card.
I have a younger brother that I spend time with every weekend that is the same age as the OP’s son. In fact, I just got home from dinner with him. I’m just really tired of non parents or people who are or could be grandparents chiming in on parenting threads. Are you the parent of someone in high school?
Probably not a physical card. My kids punch a code into a keypad when they buy their lunches.
Uh, are you missing that he’s spending his mother’s money on junk food, exceeding whatever food allowance she has set up, and at cafeteria prices vs. packing food from home? and disobeying a direct order from Mom to not go into DEBT for his junk food fix???
The boy isn’t literally starving. Mom would buy him any (reasonable) food to keep at home. Mom could even come to an arrangement where he had a certain amount to spend on discretionary stuff. The problem is that the school is letting him spend more than he’s got on account, without any checks and balances, therefore he’s got no incentive to live with any limits.
Not to disparage the time you spend with your brother, linsdaybluth, but it’s just not the same as parenting a child. I’m uniquely qualified to say so: My brother is 17 years my junior, and I was in the big sister role until he turned 11 and our mother died. So, since 2006, I’ve shifted from sister to parent. These things are NOT the same. Not even remotely.
In no way am I even questioning your ability to respond to the OP or the relevance of your suggestions (in fact, I thought a lot of what you recommended was great), but I do find it to be ridiculous for you to be calling out people about giving parenting advice when your qualification is “I’m a very good sister. I spend time with a kid of high school age.”
Anyway, to the OP: (Hi, Opal!) While, on one hand, I love the idea that schools will feed any kid that asks for a meal (many families/communities need this level of support), I also think it’s unfortunate that they stick you with the bill and seem to give you no control over his spending. At my brother’s middle school, we had a lot more control over the total amount spent and the food he bought. Hopefully the school can support you, but the they’re really only a secondary problem. I think you need to learn more about why Dominic is making these choices and go from there; if there’s some sort of reasoning you can work with, you can be clear about not approving his disobeying you, but still working out a compromise; if he’s just not caring what your rules are, well, then, you may need to be a lot firmer and invoke punishment and consequences. A 15yo who doesn’t follow your rules or respect your authority can get into a lot more trouble now and in the coming years than a few bucks worth of muffins.
No, I’m not - I’m basing my opinions on my memories of being a teenager myself, as well as interaction with teenagers such as my cousins or friends kids. While I respect that there are certain things that parents experience that childless people don’t, I don’t see why we can’t all share our opinions and ideas - isn’t that why the OP started the thread? I also don’t see how spending time with your little brother, especially on the weekend (ie, when he’s not going to school) really elevates your opinion over others.
I’ll bet that every single person offering advice on this thread has spent time with a teenager the *exact same age *as the OP. In fact, some may have even dined with a 15 year old. Heck, I’ll go on record to having DATED a 15 year old.
Since that extensive life experience satisfies your own stringent criteria for dispensing parenting advice, I think you should stifle your criticism before you begin to look a tad foolish.
Uh, are you missing that he’s spending his mother’s money on junk food, exceeding whatever food allowance she has set up, and at cafeteria prices vs. packing food from home? and disobeying a direct order from Mom to not go into DEBT for his junk food fix???
The boy isn’t literally starving. Mom would buy him any (reasonable) food to keep at home. Mom could even come to an arrangement where he had a certain amount to spend on discretionary stuff. The problem is that the school is letting him spend more than he’s got on account, without any checks and balances, therefore he’s got no incentive to live with any limits.
[/QUOTE]
No, I didn’t miss any of that.
It’s an additional 6 bucks a week. You don’t know if it’s junk food. $1.25 for a breakfast is a not unreasonable price for a meal, and his mom should give him the extra 6 bucks. He’s a growing boy, they eat a lot, and he may enjoy having a meal with friends at school. He might like sweet rolls. So what? If the extra 6 bucks to feed a kid is gonna break your finances, well, then, you’ve got big problems.
Mom should just increase his meal budget. Obviously he’s hungry.
