Let’s say your marrying someone over 35.
Would you pull that persons records?
If so, which ones?
Criminal background check?
Credit report?
Other financial records?
Military records?
Immigration status records?
Or should you just trust the person?
I think you will find most of the records difficult to obtain without their cooperation. That’s gotta make you look like you don’t trust them. Will you be volunteering all of your records to them?
I married someone over 35 and didn’t run any background check on him. So no, I didn’t.
Um, I would not be saying ‘I do’ to any person I felt the need to check the paperwork on.
I married someone over 35 too, and did not. However I can imagine scenarios where one might want to. Trust is fundamental to marriage. If you can’t trust the fiancee, you shouldn’t get married. In some scenarios you might need to trust but verify. Before getting married.
So, it depends.
How do you marry someone you’re not sure of? In this day and age, it’s not a requirement to get married (I admit, I don’t understand at all people on their third or even fourth marriages). Just hook up and enjoy life.
If you plan on marrying someone, you should be close enough to have those conversations (finances, past marriages/relationships, past criminal history, past employment/military history, legal status to be in the country, etc.) and be able to judge the veracity of their comments. So no, I wouldn’t feel the need to do background checks on them behind their backs.
If I didn’t trust the person totally, I wouldn’t be marrying them.
I dated a man for a bit who was a widower and had two children still at home. He told me right out that if he were to get serious, he’d be doing a background check on me. I was startled and angry, but I suppose he had a point. Even so, the budding relationship was nipped in the aforementioned bud by that disclosure.
I know people are fooled all of the time by people who are not what they seem. But in all honesty, I would not want a relationship with someone who didn’t trust me and whom I didn’t trust. If you were that suspicious in the ‘honeymoon’ stage, imagine how things would be later on in the relationship. Not a place I’d want to go.
It depends. If I were a single parent I would do a background check before bringing the children into the relationship, I wouldn’t wait until marriage.
If I was going to do a background check on someone, it would happen well before I was thinking about marrying them.
No, its more fun to later find out he has a freezer full of people parts than to see it posted on a police bulletin.
It’s not necessarily about you being unsure. Most of the people I know married people they were sure of. That doesn’t mean some of them weren’t wrong. People who are in love don’t generally do a good job of rational decisionmaking about things relating to their partners. Think of it like a prenup. Not romantic, but a sort of insurance.
For what it’s worth, I didn’t even think about this before I got married but she had a lot more money than me and I’d known her since she was a college freshman, so there wasn’t really anything she could have hidden.
I remember a point early in our relationship–when it was still just dating–when I was thinking “this guy’s too good to be true. What’s the dirt on him?” and yes, I looked up all the stuff you can look up without the person’s cooperation.
Turns out he really is that good. And it’s true.
Well I was thinking more on the lines that they had a bad credit score to defaulting on loans or maybe having a bankruptcy.
Also, never marry a person with debt because their debt now becomes YOUR debt.
I know a couple of people that married someone carrying a lot of debt they didn’t know about. So it wouldn’t hurt. I also know this dumb guy who actually believed that my wife’s family was well off and didn’t realize I’d soon be supporting all of them. Er…I mean his wife, and him.
I think leaving it until the diamond ring is on the finger is a bit late. I have a friend who will run background checks on prospective dates. I can see her need for caution…she got burned very badly in a divorce.
I’ve been living with her for so long that she wasn’t over 35 when we moved in together (and she’s over 40 now).
Between what my partner has volunteered and what I can observe, I can’t think of anything adverse I would find out only from a background check. That said, my ex-girlfriend died recently, and the mutual Facebook friend whose page I learned about it on gave a different birth year for her than the one she had always told me.
Emotions get in the way, but logically doing a background check is a good idea.
Not only would I, but I’d offer my own in return. Just seems prudent to me, but what do I know since I’ve been married almost 22 years?