Should parents tolerate children watching porn?

[crypto]

@dukette71

In other words, men who learn about sex from watching porn are horrible lovers.

Do you have a cite for this, or is this just opinion?

@jtgain

Kids are curious about sex, but porn teaches nothing, and at that age they won’t be able to distinguish between what they see in the movie and how sex really is.

I disagree about the idea of porn teaching nothing. It depends on what type of porn the children are being exposed to, for sure, but for kids that have no real idea of the opposite sex, the act of sexual intercourse is something that both boys and girls could learn something from porn. Again, I’m not talking about a woman with a horse, or someone beating the hell out of someone else. I’m talking about a normal sex act between a man and a woman… missionary or doggie-style, with some moaning and groaning and sweat. That’s normal enough. The spooge-all-over-climax isn’t exactly normal, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

@Dogzilla

Quoted because, well, this.

Recently, there was a guy who was hitting on me. He started asking me about certain acts, did I like this, did I like that? All of the acts he asked me about (and, presumably, expected me to be enthusiastic about) were things I’ve seen in porn that perhaps looked good on camera (from a guy’s perspective, especially an insecure guy who gets off on degrading/humiliating acts) and might even feel good to the guy, but there’s nothing about those acts that would be pleasurable for the recipient. I told him he watched too much porn, he thinks of women as subhuman, and if he was actually interested in me, as a human person with feelings, he’d be better off asking me open-ended questions and then paying attention to the answers. If you just want to try out all the gymnastic (high-risk) monkey sex you saw on your laptop last night, just go hire a hooker, because you obviously don’t care if there’s a real person there in the room with you and sex is obviously not about sharing pleasure with another actual live, breathing, sentient human.

I don’t think this is exactly so. He asked you before surprising you with requests while you were both naked and he was aroused. He was bouncing ideas off you. And you apparently watch porn, so his asking you may have been because he knows you watch porn and wanted to find out what you find acceptable.

@Dogzilla

That said, I have no moral qualms about porn, but I wouldn’t want kids who have no sexual experience at all to get ideas about what sex is supposed to be from porn. I’d rather they experiment on their own and then later, as adults, they can watch porn should they so choose. By the time you should be allowed to watch porn, you should already have an idea about what is realistically pleasurable and what just looks good on camera.

This sounds reasonable. Especially the idea that kids shouldn’t learn what sex is supposed to be from porn. I would like to think that children and parents would have an open exchange about sex before it was too late, however I know that this is naive and unrealistic. So kids learn from peers, magazines, books, movies, and whatever else they can get their hands on.

I have not seen a porno (one you can rent in a rental store) in over 20 years, so perhaps the normal porn is much more bizarre than I remember it to be. I remember porn being a visual version of the cinemax after dark shows, which are basically soft core porn and fairly normal sexual acts between a man and a woman. Just more graphic, where the genitalia are visible. I’m sure homosexual acts, acts with toys, and other things considered outside the “norm” are much easier to find without even leaving your house, but parents have an obligation to engage their children in this topic, especially if you want them to get a realistic picture of what they should expect.

@Kimstu

But that doesn’t mean that a “pornstar vibe” is typical of real sex. C’mon, it’s hardly controversial to say that a lot of porn isn’t very realistic.

Guys whose expectations about sex are mostly derived from porn are likely going to have some adjusting to do to get used to situations with real-life partners.

Agreed.

@VinylTurnip

Pity the poor teenager who discovers—in the course of his new backseat explorations—that much to his surprise and chagrin, his brand-new girlfriend is not particularly eager to gag herself on his cock until she retches, or to have her mouth spit into, face slapped, windpipe squeezed to the edge of consciousness, or any of the other tender gestures young lovers are now expected to mimic.

Are teenagers really this ignorant? (meaning a partner would accept this behavior?) or are teenagers much more advanced than ever? I’ve heard from a friend about a couple of party games that kids play now, including the rainbow game, where each girl uses a different color of lipstick and they go down on each boy at the party. The lipstick that is at the bottom (or the one that is deep throated if necessary) of the cock is the winner. I never played that game. We played “spin the bottle”.

Another thing I was told was that there is something called a “Shocker”, which is when a boy puts “two in the pink and one in the stink”, referring to fingers. As a teenage boy, I was never aware of this game, and couldn’t imagine being permitted to do it.

Finally, I’ve been told that many teenagers maintain their virginity by having anal sex and oral sex, but never vaginal sex. If this is true, I don’t think this is caused by porn… It sounds like kids are looking for ways around actual intercourse definition so as to not feel guilty as they lie to their parents.

@madrabbitwoman

I have some qualms about posting this here - but I think my experience was relevant to some points.

I just wanted to add my sympathies to your ordeal. I’m sorry you (or anyone) had to go through something like that.
To sum up - and to answer the OP… I don’t believe parents should tolerate their children watching porn, but if they catch their child, a conversation is in order. It should be used as an opportunity to educate and communicate with the child, not an opportunity to scold or embarrass the child.

In the information world we live in… where the internet shows pictures and film clips of things I couldn’t even imagine people did, it is naive to think that children would not be curious… As an adult, parent, or guardian, it is up to you to put things into proper perspective, answer any questions, and explain the reality of sex between most people. That type of sex does NOT usually include a rubber ball tied around the mouth, and beads on a string shoved up someone’s butt. So, expectations must be tempered, and treating your partner with respect is a must. Don’t be sticking a pointed object into any orifice without your partner’s permission (male or female)

[gamerunknown]

@Stink Fish Pot

He asked you before surprising you with requests while you were both naked and he was aroused.

I think you’re parsing Dogzilla’s statement incorrectly. I’m fairly sure they were extrapolating from their bizarre requests to the fact that the asker was a regular consumer of porn.

Rainbow parties sound like a complete urban legend. Don’t doubt you’ll get cites of guys claiming to be at them, but I doubt we’ll get any empirical evidence. Smudging and refractory periods alone would make them highly improbable.

Edit:

@Stink Fish Pot

with some moaning and groaning

Also, sometimes none. Teenagers tend to master either celibacy or silent orgasm.

[Tristan]

Stink Fish Pot Keep in mind that the vast majority of what “The Kids These Days” are up to is usually urban myth. Including “Rainbow Parties”, the alleged use of colored bracelets to indicate what a girl would do, sexually, and a host of other things. It’s scare tactics and “Won’t Something Think of the Children”-ism taken to absurd extremes.

Yeah, kids these days, thanks largely to the internet, are more sexually aware and knowledgeable than most of us probably were at similar ages, but age of loss of virginity isn’t suddenly dropping to 13 while sales of ROY G BIV colored lipsticks skyrockets.

And “The Shocker” is the punchline from stand up comedian Dane Cook. While it’s certainly possible to do, and some may like it, it’s popularization comes straight from a stand up routine aged at college frat boys.

[FinnAgain]

@Stink Fish Pot

Are teenagers really this ignorant? (meaning a partner would accept this behavior?) or are teenagers much more advanced than ever? I’ve heard from a friend about a couple of party games that kids play now, including the rainbow game, where each girl uses a different color of lipstick and they go down on each boy at the party. The lipstick that is at the bottom (or the one that is deep throated if necessary) of the cock is the winner. I never played that game. We played “spin the bottle”.

Another thing I was told was that there is something called a “Shocker”, which is when a boy puts “two in the pink and one in the stink”, referring to fingers. As a teenage boy, I was never aware of this game, and couldn’t imagine being permitted to do it.

To put it mildly, your view of things is… odd.
A bunch of kids getting together to have sex is not a ‘game’, it’s an orgy.
Fingering a woman anally and genitally is, likewise, not any game I’m aware of. Maybe I’m playing a substandard version of chess?

[gamerunknown]

@FinnAgain

Maybe I’m playing a substandard version of chess?

Let the terrible puns commence! Check mating! Pawnography! Fiddling with pieces!

[Freudian_Slit]

@Stink Fish Pot

Another thing I was told was that there is something called a “Shocker”, which is when a boy puts “two in the pink and one in the stink”, referring to fingers. As a teenage boy, I was never aware of this game, and couldn’t imagine being permitted to do it.

Well, you know the saying. It’s better to beg forgiveness than ask permission…

[GIGObuster]

@FinnAgain

Maybe I’m playing a substandard version of chess?

@gamerunknown

Let the terrible puns commence! Check mating! Pawnography! Fiddling with pieces!

Oh, what a knight!

Late December back in…

[crypto]

@Tristan

Stink Fish Pot Keep in mind that the vast majority of what “The Kids These Days” are up to is usually urban myth. Including “Rainbow Parties”, the alleged use of colored bracelets to indicate what a girl would do, sexually, and a host of other things. It’s scare tactics and “Won’t Something Think of the Children”-ism taken to absurd extremes.

Yeah, kids these days, thanks largely to the internet, are more sexually aware and knowledgeable than most of us probably were at similar ages, but age of loss of virginity isn’t suddenly dropping to 13 while sales of ROY G BIV colored lipsticks skyrockets.

And “The Shocker” is the punchline from stand up comedian Dane Cook. While it’s certainly possible to do, and some may like it, it’s popularization comes straight from a stand up routine aged at college frat boys.

I am relieved to hear that much of what I have heard from other parents may be blown out of proportion. I guess a lot of it IS for shock value. It certainly shocked me. The thing is, I would have never been able to think this kind of stuff up, so it must come from somewhere. If it is urban myth, good. Kids have plenty of time to grow up.

@FinnAgain

To put it mildly, your view of things is… odd.
A bunch of kids getting together to have sex is not a ‘game’, it’s an orgy.
Fingering a woman anally and genitally is, likewise, not any game I’m aware of. Maybe I’m playing a substandard version of chess?

Odd? How so? As the game was explained to me, each girl would go into a room/closet one at a time. Hardly an orgy. And hell, when I was a teen kids snuck off in pairs, or I remember a game where two kids would go into another room together, with the idea of having sex, making out, or heavy petting. ( I never had sex at one of these parties, myself. Perhaps no one did, but some talked it up line they did). I think this is similar to the game “playing doctor”.

Anyway, odd is not a word that works here. If you want to say naive, since you have a better idea of what goes on at these parties, fair enough. But a couple of things I am pretty sure arent urban legends. Anal and oral sex are NOT viewed by many teens as being sex in the biblical sense. Maybe it’s a way to get around your parents or confession. I don’t know.

[FinnAgain]

By the point where we’re discussing things like an organized progression of girls to suck a guy (or guys) off, or finger patterns of vaginal/anal penetration, we’re no longer talking about games. They’re trappings designed to ease teens into sexuality while still maintaining a carnivale-type atmosphere.

“Let’s do shot!” is not a game to see who has the largest volume stomach and where the side effect is potential inebriation. “Put my cock in your mouth and I’ll tell you if you’re able to go deeper than Suzan” is not a game to see which color lipstick is the lowest… and the side effect happens to be a blowjob.

[crypto]

@FinnAgain

By the point where we’re discussing things like an organized progression of girls to suck a guy (or guys) off, or finger patterns of vaginal/anal penetration, we’re no longer talking about games. They’re trappings designed to ease teens into sexuality while still maintaining a carnivale-type atmosphere.

I’ll agree with you if you are discussing semantics. Clearly, these aren’t games of the Parker Bros. variety. I hope my point wasn’t lost on you because of this.

As to the rest (urban legend or stolen lines from comedians), I can’t speak to. But I emailed a female friend of mine who has a college-aged son. She told me that he confided in her that girls were sending him self portraits of themselves in various states of nudity. He proved that to her by showing her the pictures. She claims this started in high school.

Now, she could be lying. I have no reason to believe she is however. But as I mentioned before, with the level of technology at the fingertips of kids today, where each child in the 7th grade seems to have a cell phone with a camera, it’s not to far-fetched to believe this is happening.

I believe we’ve strayed far enough away from the OP… I think it’s time to bring an end to this side discussion and go back to the OP.

[WhyNot]

[QUOTE=gamerunknown]
I disagree about the idea of porn teaching nothing. It depends on what type of porn the children are being exposed to, for sure, but for kids that have no real idea of the opposite sex, the act of sexual intercourse is something that both boys and girls could learn something from porn. Again, I’m not talking about a woman with a horse, or someone beating the hell out of someone else. I’m talking about a normal sex act between a man and a woman… missionary or doggie-style, with some moaning and groaning and sweat. That’s normal enough. The spooge-all-over-climax isn’t exactly normal, but that’s not what I’m talking about.
[/QUOTE]

Thing is, I don’t pick out my son’s porn. So the claim that some porn isn’t completely unrealistic is rather beside the point. Some porn *is *completely unrealistic, and that may very well be the porn my kid is watching. I don’t know if he’s watching a real couple with a webcam in their bedroom or if he’s watching a woman with a horse. So I’ve got to get the lesson in under the supposition that he’s watching *something *unrealistic/rare/not for beginners.

[FinnAgain]

@Stink Fish Pot

girls were sending him self portraits of themselves in various states of nudity.

It’s called “sexting”. Yes, it’s somewhat common.

[Kimstu]

@WhyNot

Thing is, I don’t pick out my son’s porn.

Yeah, that would be kind of over-parenting.

[crypto]

@WhyNot

Thing is, I don’t pick out my son’s porn. So the claim that some porn isn’t completely unrealistic is rather beside the point. Some porn *is *completely unrealistic, and that may very well be the porn my kid is watching. I don’t know if he’s watching a real couple with a webcam in their bedroom or if he’s watching a woman with a horse. So I’ve got to get the lesson in under the supposition that he’s watching *something *unrealistic/rare/not for beginners.

yeah, you make a point. Porn today is quite advanced from what it was when I was watching it. I grew up without the internet, so there wasn’t much in the way of options, and certainly the variety of what’s out there is beyond anything I could have imagined 20+ years ago. So I am perhaps talking out of my ass…

But, you have to also admit that if your son is watching what most people would consider “normal” porn (I know that term is subjective, but let’s say it’s a one-on-one act between a man and a woman, with no spanking, S&M, etc being used as part of the sex act.

I must admit, however, that when someone sent me a link to a short clip of a man shoving his foot up a girl’s ass, I watched it. Curiosity got the best of me. But I was also realistic enough to understand that I wasn’t going to run across a woman who wanted to throw this into our sexual repertoire, and if I did, I wouldn’t be dating her any longer.

I guess my point is that just because a kid is exposed to something doesn’t mean he/she will embrace that and think it is normal. Am I wrong here, or is this a reasonable assumption?

The key IMO to all of this is if you discover your child watching porn, you must address it head on and not ignore it. It’s a chance to open a dialog about sex with your child, something that probably most parents dont have many opportunities to do. And if you decide to address it, don’t use it to ridicule or embarrass, but to explain and open yourself up to questions.

Personally, I am a long way away from this and dread the thought of having to have this type of discussion. But that doesn’t mean I won’t if I have to.

Just try not to become a parent that shares porn with their kid, discussing titles and favorite actors and actresses. :eek:

[crypto]

@FinnAgain

It’s called “sexting”. Yes, it’s somewhat common.

Hey! I got something right for you! I consider this a victory and I am withdrawing from the discussion. FinnAgain, you seem to have a different or better idea of what is going on out there vis-a-vis teenage party sex “games”, what is and isn’t an urban legend, and sexting. I happily defer to you regarding these topics until/unless someone points out that your view on things is “odd.”

[WhyNot]

@Kimstu

Yeah, that would be kind of over-parenting.

“A little girl on girl tonight, Son? Or would you prefer some light bondage with a tickler? Ooh! This is one of your father’s favorites!”

[DukemNukem]

@Stink Fish Pot

yeah, you make a point. Porn today is quite advanced from what it was when I was watching it. I grew up without the internet, so there wasn’t much in the way of options, and certainly the variety of what’s out there is beyond anything I could have imagined 20+ years ago. So I am perhaps talking out of my ass…

But, you have to also admit that if your son is watching what most people would consider “normal” porn (I know that term is subjective, but let’s say it’s a one-on-one act between a man and a woman, with no spanking, S&M, etc being used as part of the sex act.

I must admit, however, that when someone sent me a link to a short clip of a man shoving his foot up a girl’s ass, I watched it. Curiosity got the best of me. But I was also realistic enough to understand that I wasn’t going to run across a woman who wanted to throw this into our sexual repertoire, and if I did, I wouldn’t be dating her any longer.

I guess my point is that just because a kid is exposed to something doesn’t mean he/she will embrace that and think it is normal. Am I wrong here, or is this a reasonable assumption?

The key IMO to all of this is if you discover your child watching porn, you must address it head on and not ignore it. It’s a chance to open a dialog about sex with your child, something that probably most parents dont have many opportunities to do. And if you decide to address it, don’t use it to ridicule or embarrass, but to explain and open yourself up to questions.

Personally, I am a long way away from this and dread the thought of having to have this type of discussion. But that doesn’t mean I won’t if I have to.

Just try not to become a parent that shares porn with their kid, discussing titles and favorite actors and actresses. :eek:

I think you’re completely right. By all means its possible to moniter and restrict the functions of a computer and the use of the internet when the parent isn’t around but in no way shape or form can you moniter all the other computers that the child goes on outside of the home.

Education is key. Society and the media send a clear message that its completely okay to male boys to look at porn and masturbate. In almost all teen movies these days, there’s some sort of masturbating to porn involved.
There is a major problem of how males view women as sex objects and how they’re supposed to act in bed or otherwise.

It’s quite possible that they have adopted the beliefs themselves. Just ask the child if it’s okay for a man to have sex as often as he wants and if the woman should stay a virgin untill she finds a man.

The woman becomes a slut, the man becomes a stud from being sexually active.

Not to mention there’s also the possibillity of addiction or what’s worse on the boy’s part is that he can’t have an erection without porn. Many males do have this problem. If they were to enter a room with a partner, they can’t become erect without visual stimuli.

[gamerunknown]

@WhyNot

Thing is, I don’t pick out my son’s porn.

Fair enough, but that wasn’t my post… Think it was Stink Fish Pot’s, haha. While I’ve excised porn from my life, I think a discussion with a hypothetical child of mine would recommend streaming over downloading, ensuring the website in question is legal, using computer protection and preferably accessing “woman positive” sites, depending on their orientation. Though on reflection such a conversation would probably be far too embarrassing for both of us.

[WhyNot]

@gamerunknown

Fair enough, but that wasn’t my post… Think it was Stink Fish Pot’s, haha.

:smack: Sorry. You ever do that thing where you’re off in “real” life and thinking about a thread here and realized something you totally need to say and mean to post it later? Then you come here and grab the first quote you see and it ends up all sloppy? I apologize.

While I’ve excised porn from my life, I think a discussion with a hypothetical child of mine would recommend streaming over downloading,

Back then, I’m not sure I knew this. Actually, I’m not sure I knew this now. Is this safer? Good to know.

ensuring the website in question is legal, using computer protection

Those I definitely did/do, and thank goodness for AVG is all I have to say about that!

and preferably accessing “woman positive” sites, depending on their orientation.

Yeah, back when this was, I didn’t know such a thing existed. It will absolutely be in The Talk with my daughter in a few years, though.

Though on reflection such a conversation would probably be far too embarrassing for both of us.

Pro tip: Start small, and talk frequently. It’s embarrassing, yes. But it’s easier to answer questions and bring up awkward topics if you’ve got lots of practice. “Mommy, why does my penis get big sometimes?” (“It’s exercising. And sometimes it does that to feel good. Keep it covered unless you’re alone in your bedroom.”) is embarrassing, but not open-a-hole-in-the-earth-and-die embarrassing. Practice on stuff like that, and “Mom, what’s double penetration mean?” isn’t quite so horrifying.
It’s still pretty horrifying, though. I won’t lie.

[Maeglin]

The Shocker is not limited to teenage sex parties. You might ask for proof. George Bush should suffice.