In August we moved to California. I once swore I would never move a pregnant woman, but I did anyway. I always wanted to live in the Bay Area. I think it’s absolutely beautiful. And the weather rocks. But it hasn’t worked out the way we wanted. Bedrest for her, difficulty finding a job for me, working for a really crappy dot com. Now I have finally found a job that I like, in a field that I really like. But we hate where we are living. And the wife would like to go back to work. In CT, we’d have access to grandparents who would love to watch the baby so both of us could work. This would make things much easier financially for us. But the wife has a problem with seasonal affective disorder, so winter really sucks for her. Much worse in a snow belt area. So what do we do? Hayward sucks my will to live.
Right now, it sounds like you’re going through a rough patch, and things might improve soon. You have a new job, and it sounds like some things are improving for you. If you really like being in the Bay area, could you hang in there for a bit longer until things settle down?
If you decide to move back to CT, is there some treatment for SAD that would help? It would be nice to be close to the grandparents (and I’m sure they’d love that). I hate winter, too, so I can totally understand why you wouldn’t want to live in CT.
I hope everything works out for you!
If you’re unhappy there, move. Life is too short.
But if you love your job, why not keep it and just move out of Hayward? There are plenty of nice places to live in the Bay Area. A long commute is better than living in hell.
I wouldn’t move to CT, but that’s just me. Why not someplace a bit warmer? Like Southern California? San Diego, Laguna, Newport, Huntington: all beautiful places to live where the job market is going strong.
Allrighty. You’ve just given me carte blanche to say what I think. I don’t think you’re going to like it, but here goes.
Assuming that moving is an option, which you’ve just admitted it is:
I simply don’t understand this desire to live in a “hip” place, at the expense of comfort. The whole center of the country is sitting there beckoning to you. All over the Midwest, you can probably rent a large, comfortable apartment in a safe neighborhood–or even a house–for what you’re paying right now for the privilege of living next to Cat Piss People, Crazy Cat Lady, Scary Homeless People, and Devil Feral Children. People won’t break into your car and mess it up. Sewage won’t overflow into the parking lot.
If you head westerly and southerly, you can even live in a place with pretty minimal winters, to minimize Inkleberry’s SAD.
If you head to a university town, just about any university town, you’ll get the best of both worlds: culture and comfort. No, you can’t go to the Met every weekend when you live in Kansas, but it sounds like your financial situation wouldn’t allow either NYC or opera tickets. And let me tell you, there ARE clubs and bars and local talent shows and discussion clubs and movie series. And let me tell you also: the social life is equally bad just about everywhere you go. Wherever you live, you’re going to have to fight hard to carve out your circle of friends.
You can find Asian and Mexican and health food markets absolutely everywhere, to cook whatever kind of food you want. Netflix and digital cable delivers everywhere, so you can watch whatever kinds of movies you want (if you’re into indie and foreign, trust me: there ARE art theatres that aren’t remotely near either ocean). You can shop online and buy whatever esoteric, handmade, designer boutique kind of stuff you want.
You could have peace and quiet. You could have peace of mind. You could have a garden. You could have a fraction of your current rent.
Move, already.
Can you move somewhere else in CA? The problem is that housing prices are going up everywhere, but almost anywhere is cheaper than the Bay Area. You could try Sacramento (not so pretty, very hot, but not too far) and environs, or further north if you want less summer heat. Hey, drop by our town; Chico is a wonderful place to live and there are a few computer-related jobs, though I don’t know what you do–but there are a lot of SAHMs around here, too, which would make staying home much easier for Inkleberry, or make part-time babysitting possible if she works some. Or there’s Eureka, places like that.
South, most of the livable places are awfully expensive, but there are places near LA and such. Santa Maria, on the Central Coast, is sorta okay and commutable to Santa Barbara and San Luis Obispo, both of which are hideously expensive and lovely.
Or there’s Reno, which has nice weather and is quite a nice city. It snows in winter, though not as much as CT, I’m sure. Oregon and Washington both have very rainy winters so I don’t know that they would be good choices.
Bizarre question: are any of the grandparents retired and grandchild-besotted enough to move out to you? I actually know a few people who have done that.
Awesome Response, Suttua.
Marge, I think they’ve got financial issues keeping them in Hayward.
For me, the decision would come down to whether or not I could forsee moving out of Hayward within a reasonable timeframe. If the answer was yes, I’d try to gut it out. If not, I’d leave. Somewhere, anywhere but there. Doesn’t have to be Connecticut, necessarily. There is no job anywhere that is so fabulous it’s worth making every other facet of your life miserable. There’s just not.
I would weigh being close to family very heavily. I never really knew any of my relatives and really regret that now. Having your extended family near your new baby is a wonderful gift for everyone, especially the baby.
I am originally from California, and now live in Kentucky. I also suffer from SAD. The compromise my husband made, to get me to stay here and not want to move back, is that every winter we plan several trips to warm sunny climates.
Having family nearby could allow you to have them watch the baby so you can take your wife somewhere warm. Or you can bring the baby along. I have found 2-3 days in a sunny area, every 6 weeks is all I need to last through the winter and not become depressed.
We usually take one trip to Mexico, one trip to Florida, and one trip to California or Vegas each winter. We stay as long as our schedules allow, but I have found just a long weekend is enough. It is a top priority in our budget, worth every cent.
Just something else to consider…
My husband is leaving quite a few things out of the picture…
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I have SAD, but I also am allergic to the sun and heat. By allergic, I mean that I break out in large welts when in direct sunlight for more than 15 min. I had brain damage in my childhood that has effectively annihilated my thalamus. I do not regulate my body temperature well, especially when I’m asleep. I get heat stroke extremely easily, and sleeping in warm rooms can actually be fatal. I lived in Southern CA for a number of years, and between April and October I couldn’t leave the house during the day. I coped by getting a job on UK hours (so I worked at night), but it wasn’t the best .
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SAD is bad, but not as bad as the heat problem. I can and do take meds for it from October to March. This year it was worse because I had a baby around Thanksgiving and my hormones went whack. But usually it is pretty easily dealt with, whereas the heat thing is not.
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My family is insane. My Dad is currently not using opiates, but this is subject to change. He goes to NA, but it doesn’t really change a lot of his underlying assholism. This is the man who suggests that my postpartum was a “punishment from god.” My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. She is highly volitile, and can switch from normal to rage in a second. She can become physically and verbally violent at the drop of a hat. Once while watching TV she began randomly slapping me about the head. Why? I “wasn’t blinking enough and it bothered her.” Yes, she’s that crazy. She also refuses to admit my father is an addict, despite him having been to rehab and detoxing twice.
Oh, but we haven’t touched the tip of my crazy family iceberg. My uncle was sexually abusive to me from the age of 4 to about 20. My mother knew. The whole time. She didn’t take any steps to end it because “she didn’t want to start a fight.” Part of the reason we are 3000 miles away is because they still let this man in their house, and I didn’t feel safe there myself, let alone my have my baby anywhere involved.
Meanwhile, multiple other family members have drug and addiction issues. And this is a brief highlight reel of what my family is like.
My husband’s family is a mess. Out of the 4 kids there, 2 have addiction issues and don’t speak with his parents, he barely talks to them, and the sister is autistic and requires lifelong 24 hr. care. His mother has “anger issues” and his father is…odd. I’ll let him tell you more about that though.
In short, I let home at 16 after deciding I couldn’t take one more day of abuse or craziness. I decided to get out the best I could, and worked my ass off so I could go to college after 10th grade rather than be a high school dropout. I went back to help get my father into rehab in late 2003/early 2004. Yes, that was incredibly stupid, and a lot of my current financial difficulties stem from dropping everything- school, work, life, etc to help my parents with their mental health issues.
It’s complicated. Very very complicated.
Oh, and did I mention our families don’t get along? Naturally. Today there is some MAJOR drama afoot stemming from them having a conversation about something last night.
:eek: Sounds like living close to the family would not be a Good Thing. Not the best candidates for babysitters.
My mom gets heat stroke very easily (not for the same reasons)–that’s difficult. There aren’t very many places where you can have mild winters and cool summers, so it sounds like you’re in a good place, if you can work out the housing situation.
Soooo…you’re saying that grandparents watching Tinkleberry is perhaps not what you want to do? Sorry, I just didn’t realize the problems there.
Heat allergy is a problem. If you want to stay in CA, you’re pretty much stuck with coastal areas above Santa Barbara; the climate is pretty much the same on the Central Coast as in the Bay Area, and further north it gets cooler. Don’t you find Hayward a little too warm? I always think of Hayward has being similar to San Jose, since it’s a bit inland, but maybe I’m wrong; I’ve never lived there (but I’ve lived in Oakland, Berkeley, and San Jose).
For cheaper CA living in a coastal climate, I would recommend Santa Maria or someplace similar. After the whole Michael Jackson trial thing is over with (though my friend tells me it’s much more under control now). Housing is booming there, but renting shouldn’t be a problem. It’s a medium-sized town, with a junior college that has a well-regarded theater. The schools aren’t incredible, but they’ve improved some. It’s close to very nice places, and employment is reasonable, after a lot of upheaval in the late 80’s and early 90’s. Lots of families, many SAHMs. Virtually no Jewish presence that I know of, however. And for some reason everyone has a soap-opera life; maybe it’s the water.
Otherwise, get out of the state and go to Oregon or something-- I’m stumped. It’s not like CA is a paradise anyway; the state is falling apart. We stay because of our family and the general wonderfulness of Chico.
The only place I can think of with mild winters and cool summers is, really, Santa Monica. I’ll be sitting over in the Inland Empire backing at 100 degrees, and my friend who lives in Santa Monica is enjoying a nice 75 degree afternoon with an ocean breeze. She doesn’t even have an A/C or need one. It’s really my dream city. I don’t know what the job market is like, though I imagine it’s pretty decent.
I wish I could offer more suggestions than that. Trust me, I know how hard it can be to be stuck and have no idea where to go or what to do. I’m in a similiar situation for different reasons and I haven’t a clue how to sort out the mess.
I’ve read your various horror stories about Hayward, but I didn’t realize you had only moved to California that recently. Don’t let your experience in Hayward color your opinion of the entire Bay Area.
I’ll admit my knowledge of Hayward is pretty stale, I lived there for a couple of years in the mid-70s. But of all of the various places I’ve lived in the BA, Hayward stands out as my least favorite.
Is DrLoveGun’s job in Hayward, or somewhere else in the east bay & you just landed in Hayward for affordability? Like **Marge **said, is a different commute an option? It does sound best for your medical condition to stay on the west side of the hills, but surely you can find a place more livable than Hayward, now that you know.
Hey! <clears throat and points to location thingy>
I have SAD and have a full spectrum bulb in the fixture that provides most of the light in my computer area. It gets turned on overhead when I log in first thing in the morning, and turns out when I go to bed. Since I started that, I have not had any problems with SAD…
Actually, I originated in Rochester NY, which is high on the list of gloomy cities…we have way more sunlight in connecticut than I ever got there…
By Bay Area, you mean San Francisco? We don’t get anywhere near the peasoup fogs that that area gets. Hubby grew up in the SJ valley, and spent a lot of time in the bay area before getting into the navy…he says it is way brighter here on a day to day basis than there, FWIW.
Go where you both will be happy. Sad can be dealt with, but grandparents are precious and when they are gone, they are gone.
I think y’all need to talk to EACH OTHER first. One of you is saying CT would be great becuase of the grannies, the other is saying the entire family of both sides is batshit. So, which is it?
One of you is saying winters are a deal-breaking problem becuase of the SAD, the other is saying the only deal breaker is the winters becuase of heat intolerance. So, which is it?
Y’all need to figure things out amongst yourselves before you can start asking complete strangers for advice.
Well, ok, that changes things a bit doesn’t it?
I take back ALL of my earlier advice, and would like the 10 minutes back I spent composing it.
I would still weigh being close to your families very heavily, but in that you should not be anywhere near them. Why put your child through the hell it sounds like you went through?
And most definately don’t go anywhere warm and sunny in the winter. With a condition as serious as yours sounds, climate should be a major factor in deciding where to live.
But most of all, I agree with Lorinada, you need to talk to each other and make sure you are in agreement as to what your most important issues are. Your posts sound like you are describing two entirely different situations. Very confusing.
I’d have to echo Twoflower among others. Hayward is a bit of a dump, relatively speaking. Plenty of nicer places in the East Bay.
Frankly if DrLovegun has found a decent job he likes, I don’t necessarily think moving out of the area and starting over with a new baby and apparently an assload of debt would be the best solution ( unless the pay is truly wretched and very easily replaced ). However it certainly would help to get out of a shitty Hayward tenement.
Just how dire are your finances? How much space do you need - one bedroom, two? Can you afford close to the East Bay average for such? Because if so you can certainly find smaller places in nicer areas ( or just plain nicer, odd deals do open up ). Alameda is a good spot to check, even if generally pricier than some - centrally located, very quiet and mostly pretty safe and decent-looking. I’m currently in El Cerrito, which is close to a great many amenities and otherwise tolerable if you’re at least a block or two east of San Pablo and south of Richmond ( the closer to pricier Albany and north Berkeley, the nicer ). Many parts of Berkeley, some chunks of sprawling Oakland - a number of spots beat much of Hayward and can be had at halfway reasonable rents ( by local standards ) if you hunt hard enough.
That would be my immediate choice, anyway. You can always try vacating the area later if issues persist. The coastal northwest is usually pretty decent for lack of oppressive heat - perhaps Portland or Seattle :).
- Tamerlane
It’s both. Our families are fucked up. And complicated. It would be great to have an extended network of families around, especially since some of the extended family isn’t so bad. However, I doubt any family would be doing much baby-sitting. But it would be good for our son to have a sense of culture and history. It’s complicated.
Again, it’s both. It depends who you ask. For me, the heat intolerance is phsyically painful, can and has landed me in the ER before. As for the SAD- we’ve known for years what med to take, what dose, and for how long to take it. I don’t think it’s a big deal.
However, DrLoveGun, may and likely does, see things differently. For him, SAD is a very big deal, something he hates to watch me go through, and something he would like to avoid strongly. Light isn’t as much of a factor as ability to go out and do crap. Rain sucks just as much as snow, IMHO. But DLG thinks snow is worse in terms of going out.
So it’s a matter of perception as to which is “worse.”
But I can say that Southern CA is not going to happen. The heat is just unbearable. I lived there from 1998-2001, and it really bit. I lived out in the fabulous Rancho Cucamonga area, which is very deserty.
We are talking to each other. A lot. We have a lot of different opinions that we are trying to sort out. I’d have prefered that DLG had not posted any of this, considering we are still muddling around the idea process. But knowing him I know he likes as many different angles to consider as possible when making decisions. And I think he feels that people who aren’t involved in any way might have interesting angles and views. I also know he is very very concerned about making the wrong decision, and so isn’t listening to his own voice as much as he should. Hopefully, that will come as he sits with it more.
[QUOTE=Twoflower]
I’ve read your various horror stories about Hayward, but I didn’t realize you had only moved to California that recently. Don’t let your experience in Hayward color your opinion of the entire Bay Area.
[QUOTE]
DLG has only been living here for about a year. I have been living in CA since '98, and in the Bay Area since '01. I’ve lived in San Jose and Redwood City also. I really love the Penninsula, but it’s just too darn expensive.
That being said, though, I have noticed a major decline in quality of life in CA in general and in the Bay Area especially over the past few years. Between unemployment rates, housing costs on the rise, and the growth of the homeless population, it’s become a different world. With Schwartzy cutting social services left and right, things are becoming even more precarious for a lot of folks, and I find the homeless are getting more and more aggressive, likely out of desperation.
Also, I wouldn’t put my kid in a CA public school these days if you paid me.
His job is managing a restaurant in Hayward. He could manage restaurants in CT just as easily, but he happens to like this one quite a bit.
Hayward isn’t much more affordable than anywhere else around here, really. So it’s about quality of life and sanity. We don’t want to watch another neighborhood crash and burn like this one did. The Penn. seems stable, but the commute would suck. Suck big. SF proper is $$$ and I don’t really want to be in “the city.” Eastward is way too boonies for our taste.
We are being picky and difficult and waffling. sigh
I’m not going to offer an opinion on what you should do right now, because I think the two of you will figure it out with some time and honest talk.
But I do want to say this, because I’m a parent with older kids who had to make some hard choices when they were babies too: This time in your life isn’t permanent. The next 18 years will pass more quickly than you can imagine, and before you know it, Tinkleberry and Tinklesibs will be grown and out of the house, and you…YOU! will be FREE!! again to live where you want and do what you want.
I know it sounds simplistic, and I am so not trying to be irritating here. 
It’s just that I remember so vividly when my kids were young, and it literally seems like yesterday. Now that I have some perspective on how quickly times goes, I’m looking ahead to when the younger two are grown and planning for career/lifestyle/etc changes then. I no longer feel like I’m going to spend my entire life raising my children, if you know what I mean.
I do hope you can take a step back and ask yourselves what’s best for you and even more importantly, what’s best for Tinkleberry right now. Being near your parents may not be the best thing, but moving may still be a really good option.
Wish I had the perfect answer for you. Good luck.
Best,
karol