Showbiz Moms & Dads Finale: May 18 & 19

Crash ‘n’ burn.

Here’s the preview I would have written if the show ended as I would like:

The Nutters move back to Vermont, without FlufferNutter, who decides to stay in New York to chase his dream. After spending another 2 years not getting beyond being a ticket-taker and usher, FlufferNutter gets his big break when he gets offered a deal in an Off-Off-Off Broadway show entitled: “No, I’m really not gay! I swear!” When the show is met with horrible reviews, FlufferNutter ends up donig gay porn to pay the bills, and becomes the next fill in the blank with the biggest gay porn star. Meanwhile, the Nutter kids all do well in school, go onto college and live happy productive lives. Except they are constantly stalked by an unidentified 85 year old lady who always shows up in the background of every picture of them that is taken.

The scholarship pageant becomes Lord of the Flies when all the poor children in the pageant capture and tie up all the parents. As the parents are slowly tortured with hot oil curlers, too small shoes, and doll-like dresses, the children actually get to play on playgrounds, read Dr. Seuss, and eat cookies to their hearts content. Mama Tye is constantly berated for being too fat, too ugly, and she finally has a heart attack after the kids force 243 pixie sticks down her gullet. Emily Tye goes on to do well in school, go onto college and live a happy, productive life.

Mrs. Klingensmith is devastated to find out that rather than Las Vegas, her and Shame are headlining at Los Alamos National Laboratory. While Shame is onstage doing “Hot, Hot, Hot” for the 85th time in a row, all his backup dancers do well in school, go onto college and live happy productive lives. When the scientists aren’t forthcoming enough with the applause for her preciousssss Shame, ShameMom berates them all, and then blames the sound system for Shame’s crappy singing. The scientists decide to send ShameMom to Mars to sell timeshares, and set up the spaceship to only play Shame’s singing in a constant, neverending loop for the entire 9 month flight. After 8 months and 29 days, ShameMom comes to the realization that her son really does not have any talent and is forced to jam screwdrivers into her ears to finally have some peace. Meanwhile, while on stage, Shame’s voice finally changes for good, and he makes good money doing Barry White covers. Shame uses the money to do well in school, go onto college and live a happy, productive life.

After TeenAngstJordanMom takes Nyquil to calm her frazzled nerves, Heidi Fleiss breaks into the trailer and kidnaps TeenAngstJordan. Heidi returns Jordan 35 seconds later after realizing that TeenAngstJordan is a complete and utter jackass. Jordan’sMom decides to move everybody back to Colorado, but gets lost on the way and ends up in the Andes Mountains, where she cries a lot and is eventually eaten by TeenAngstJordan. Even while chomping on her mother’s thigh, TeenAngstJordan calls her mother “Stupid” and “gamy”. Luckily, Samantha is rescued and she does well in school, goes onto college and lives a happy, productive life.

Jordan gets her own television show, makes a gazillion dollars, and is unbelievably happy. So is her mother.

Now that’s my kind of show.


Except you missed the part where TeenAngst Jordan’s sister grows up to be Gypsy Rose Lee.

I’m going to tape it and watch it later, because Colonial House is on tonight on PBS, and I got hooked on that last night. Crash and burn, indeed. I can’t wait for tomorrow night’s wrap-up. That oughta be good. :eek:

Aw, dammit. Now I’m going to be flipping back and forth, and there are no commercials on PBS! DAMN YOU! :wink:

. . . Who the hell doesn’t know “a monologue needs to be memorized?!

Everyone should be sterilized at birth, and the operation can only be reversed after they have passed a Parenting test.

I’m feeling sorry for Teen Angst Jordan, for once–her mother is obviously an eight-year-old.

Shame’s Mom: “If nothing else happens, we’ll have this memory of Shame’s Vegas act to last us a lifetime.”

And, dear god, so do I . . . there’s not enough pills in the world to erase it from my brain . . .

BigJordan and her mother are both dysfunctional. Her mother may be a big dumbass, but BigJordan is a child, not her equal. The disrespectful behavior would be a huge turn-off if I was prospective agent.

But her mother deserved to be horsewhipped for bringing Samantha into BigJordan’s interview. If my mother had done something like that, I may have been tempted to call her a bitch too.

“Try one for fun between your legs!”

“Bend over! Bend over!”

“I’m Mary Tyler Moore!”

He couldn’t be any more gay if his name was Gay Gayerson.

We’re all agreed that Shane has no talent, right? His mother missing her birthday got more applause than his “singing”, and his dancing should show up on the Chappelle Show as a prime example of White Man Dancing (and I don’t mean that in a good way).

With FlufferNutter the producer should have said, “I’m not interested in making you a star, I’m interested in showing what happens to a family when the father is delusional about his chances of ever being a star.”

TeenAngstJorden is going to end up in B movies so bad, even B movie fans won’t watch them. And I second Eve “Who the hell doesn’t know “a monologue needs to be memorized?!”.” I have no connection to showbiz (except for my dream of being discovered by a New York producer while starring in a community theatre show, going to Broadway to star in his next big show and winning the Tony before giving it all up to go back to my true love, labor law), but even I know a monologue needs to be memorized.

From the previews, it looks like Emily’s mom got some threats–could Emily be lucky enough to have the threats taken seriously enough to make her mother give up parading her on stage and turning her into a little robot who thinks with her looks? Hopefully, tomorrow we’ll all get to see Emily, in pigtails, wearing a grass-stained t-shirt that doesn’t match her shorts, missing one shoe, gleefully sharing her ice cream cone with a dog, getting as much ice cream on her face as in her mouth and laughing the whole time. That is my dream for Emily.

I’ve watched this a few times and it blows me away I can only find one person in the entire show that seems like they might live more then five minutes on their own brain power -that being the older Nutter daughter. She seems somewhat down to earth.

The rest of the people on this show are wackjobs.

Oh wait, I forgot about the mother/daughter duo. Is her name Jordan? (The one who tried out for the cartoon voice.)

Those two seem like they might survive.

Yeah, but…

…The problem with these “followed around by a camera crew” shows is that the audio is often so muddy, I can’t be absolutely sure what people are saying. There was a scene wherein the mom (Kimberly) and daughter (Jordan) were discussing Jordan’s having come home from school with a note that said she wasn’t adequately prepared for class.

Kimberly stated in voiceover that if this trend continued, Jordan wouldn’t be going on any more auditions. Which I took to mean that she didn’t want Jordan’s education to be a casualty of her acting career. That’s quite sensible, and an attitude I wish the other parents would have. But then, I could have sworn I heard her say, “I don’t care if she’s a dummy”. :confused: I’ll have to play it back later and check.

I loved the producer who met with Mr. and Mrs. Nutter! Ordinarily, I’d say that he had a jerkish tone and attitude, typical of a producer but not acceptable from anyone else. But he laid it on the line for FlufferNutter, just the way someone should have a long time ago! Not that any of it got through to ol’ Fluffer. Mary Tyler Moore, indeed. Try Mary Martin.

Big Jordan should not be an actress. But I can’t say I’m entirely unsympathetic towards her as a person. I’ve had scenes like that with my mom…not saying I’m taking her side, but there is some serious dysfunction in that “family”, and she seems to be what they call the “identified patient”. Still, I can’t believe the producers left it so ambiguous. She can’t just be living on her own; presumably we’ll find out in tomorrow’s episode what the deal is/was.

Shane…what to say? That would have been a pretty good performance if he were nine years old in the school talent show. But at 13, performing at Gilley’s, I just have to wonder who his mom blew to get him that gig. Someone on TWoP (I’m still lurking) pointed out that there was more applause for his mom’s birthday than for his singing.

Can’t comment on Emily because I don’t pay attention to those segments. They just make me too sad.

My 15-year-old daughter and I have been watching this together, and she is consistently horrified by the way Teen Jordan acts. “Acts” in the sense of how she treats her mom, not in the sense of actually acting, that is…
She even commented that she should have had the monologue memorized, and she’s not even an actress. (Great minds think alike, Eve!)
I think the mother should have taken her to Colorado with her, let her do some high school plays and some community theater, then when she’s 18 and has graduated from high school (and maybe learned to act!), she can come back to LA and try again.

I was also confused by Little Jordan’s mother’s comment about her being a dummy. She doesn’t care if her daughter flunks out of school? That’s what it sounded like. Why did she have to drag her to that show taping anyway? Why couldn’t Jordan go to her Aunt’s house, the one they went to Sunday dinner at last week, or even a friend’s house, if she had so much work to do?
And that audition for the lifestyle show just confirms that most of these parents are the ones who really want the spotlight. I swear in one of the first shows, Little Jordan’s mom said she didn’t want to be in the spotlight, but liked show business, and that’s why she was an agent - but now she suddenly is getting pictures taken (last week) and going on auditions? :rolleyes:

Shane… Ugh. The kid can’t sing. And that car dealership gig? It was as bad as the county fair gig last week!

Did anyone notice there were about 10 people in Gilley’s? The place was empty? And how the hell poor Shane gets these gigs is beyond me. The kid has no tune. None.

I went to bed, but Ivylad told me the Nutterdad asked if he could be cast as the dad, and they could hire seven kids to be his children. Hell, the entire family is telling him NO, and he just keeps right on rolling over them.

I’d be very interested in the Aftermath.

What was the deal with the Jordan clan going to Colorado? Is mom giving up on her—oops her daughter’s dream?

On this “dummy” issue with Jordan, I didn’t tape the show, so I can’t be certain. I do remember, however, NOT getting the impression that she didn’t care Jordan was a dummy. What I think she said was that it (meaning Jordan’s career) doesn’t matter if she ends up a dummy. Which, given the other things she said right after it, I took to mean the exact opposite of what you guys are saying. I’m almost positive that she meant that Jordan’s education comes first and any success in acting will be useless if Jordan doesn’t get her education. I NEVER got the impression Kimberly was putting Jordan’s career first, in fact, I think she said that the career doesn’t matter if Jordan is a dummy, so Kimberly is going to make sure Jordan isn’t a dummy.

ivylass: Shame got the gig at Gilly’s because of his grandfather. Shame also got the gig at the car dealership because of his grandfather. Shame’s grandfather, IIRC, works/possibly owns, a radio station in Vegas, and the station was doing a promo at the dealership and grandpa got them to put Shame on. Shame’s grandfather also has a friend who runs Gilly’s, and grandpa got Shame a gig there too.

It makes a heckuva lot more sense considering the lack of talent in Shame. All this past week, I was wondering how the heck Shame made the marquee at the Frontier, and was none to surprised that it was his grandfather pulling strings. Mystery solved.

I too was relieved that there were all of 15 people watching him. Not what I would have considered on the road to success, but I’m also not delusional. I must admit that I did find the relationship between Shame and his mom much more appealing this episode. When they were looking at the marquee and Shame gives his mom a spontaneous hug and tells her he loves her, I thought that was great. It still doesn’t change the fact they’re both delusionsal, but it was nice anyway.

Well, I’ve been waiting for FlufferNutter to break into a rousing rendition of “Some People” because he totally embodies the self-centered insanity of Mama Rose.

They briefly interviewed Shame’s g’father, who said, “I never in a million years dreamed that Shame would be going into show business . . .” and I fully expect the rest of the sentence was, " . . . what with him having absolutely no talent, and all."

Remember, the “Aftermath” is tonight, though I can’t tell by the TV listings if it’s at 8:00 or 9:00. Lemme go check . . .

Shame’s grandfather should be ashamed.
Then again, I suppose he bears some responsibility for Shame’s mother. So he should be doubly ashamed.