While I maintain that sending out gift registry information in an invitation comes across as being grabby and slightly rude, I do concede that it makes a fair degree of sense for both the giver and the recipient, and I have resigned myself to the practice. But that’s neither here nor there, really.
I have several friends who are getting married this year, and I have received wedding and shower invitations. Most of these friends are more than casual acquaintances - in other words, I do intend to go to these events and would be very pleased to provide the newlyweds with gifts. I’m out of the loop, though, on gifting rules. If one brings a gift to a shower, is one also expected to bring a gift to the wedding? I would think if you were not attending the shower, you’d bring a gift to the wedding. (Or more likely, a card containing cash or a check - which would of course at least cover the cost of your dinner, even though it would be tacky to calculate that and one would certainly hope that said amount would be considered a thoughtful gift that JUST HAPPENED to defray reception costs.) But anyway. If I go to the showers AND the weddings, should I bring gifts to both events?
I think that there may be regional customs on bringing gifts to both, at least so far as I could tell from the days when I used to read the Etiquette Hell message board.
That said: in my neck of the woods, it is customary to take gifts to both if you attend both.
Small correction: You bring a gift to the shower; you SEND a wedding gift to the bride’s home before the wedding, so the couple doesn’t have to haul a carload of gifts home after the reception.
I’m trying to remember the last time I actually saw gifts at a wedding reception, and I can’t. I often see pretty baskets or satin purses for envelope-collecting. Is it tacky to bring the envelope TO the reception?
Why don’t you ask the happy couples what they’d prefer?
Personally I’d get something small and personal for the shower - but not necessarily expensive - and then something more pricey but practical for the wedding itself.
It’s okay to bring an envelope to the reception, IMO. Any wedding I’ve ever been to has had some sort of envelope collecting receptacle during the cocktail hour. (Normally when they have these, there’s supposed to be someone who guards the “gift table” during the reception/cocktail hour so nobody steals the bride and groom’s gifts.)
In my family, some guests bring gifts to the wedding reception, as this is an acceptable practice in the country they grew up in. It’s not common, but it happens. I’d call up the couples or their parents/friends/etc. and ask if they think there is going to be a card box at the reception if you’re a bit leery of handing over something that could get lost easily.
Really? I see gifts at weddings all the time – both at the ceremony and at the reception. When I was the wedding coordinator for my church, we always made sure to have a table to collect the gifts, and strongly encouraged the bride & groom to have an attendant who would tape the cards to the appropriate box.
Hunh, I never thought about it being a regional thing. Maybe some other Chicago-area Dopers will chime in on this one. Back when I worked in the restaurant biz, we had a banquet room and I often worked wedding receptions, and I remember putting out a table for the cake, and a “spot” for the basket (birdcage, satin box, whatever) for envelopes. I don’t ever remember seeing gifts or even a gift table. To be fair, though, my attention was very rarely on anything but getting food out to people and watching for drunks, so it’s entirely possible I missed this.
It’s definitely regional. I’ve never been to a wedding (including my own) where there wasn’t a gift table. Usually there are gift attendants who take the gifts from the guests and carry them to the table. They also help carry the gifts to the designated vehicle between the reception and dance.
As far as buying gifts for both the shower and wedding, that’s what I’ve always done. I usually buy something household-related and less expensive for the shower.
Another Chicago area person chiming in. I wonder if it’s more of an urban/rural thing. I always understood it to be a common thing to take a gift to the wedding, if, of course, you didn’t send it beforehand, as you should. But there have definitely been gifts, with an appropriate table set up for them, at every wedding I’ve attended, outside the city. There has also been some kind of receptacle for envelopes.
But I was in a wedding when I was in college, in which both the bride and groom were Chicago born and bred, and I think mine and one other were the only gifts there. Nobody knew quite what to do with them. Along with all the other details of the wedding planning, the bride had a white satin bag made, with a drawstring to hang over the arm, so that in the receiving line guests could hand her their envelopes. (Actually, I think the maid of honor held it) It seemed to be quite the expected thing.
Actually, while it’s done all the time, it’s not actually correct to take a gift, other than an envelope to the wedding itself.
Here’s the thinking;
Come the end of the event the bride and groom will be understandably tired and have thousands of things to take care of, vehicles of the wedding party are likely to be filled with flower arrangements, left over food and booze, changes of clothes etc. The caterers have enough of their own stuff to haul off, and besides there could be delicate and expensive items in those boxes, they don’t need the worry quite validly. That leaves your gifts in the care of some of your, could be a little drunken friends, with these conditions even the best of intentions turn into things being misplaced, broken, cards getting ripped away from gifts. Acknowledging gifts is expected. Whenever I hear of someone miffed by not having gotten a thank you card I think of this chain of events and know it could all be soo innocent, yet people insist on being miffed over such things.
Yes, it’s done all the time, yes, it’s a recipe for disaster. If you’re planning a wedding know you’ll need someone with a large vehicle and attention to detail to haul it all away for you to your home/parents home. Assign someone this task.
I didn’t even know you could have a bridal shower.
I’m dead serious. It didn’t come up when I was planning my best friends’ wedding. Maybe she thought it was stupid? I dunno.
But now I know, and if my boyfriend and I get married - no, still ain’t having one. Screw that! Bachelorette party, all the way.
Anyway, back to the OP - at my friend’s wedding there was a table for gifts. Because they left directly from the reception to their honeymoon, I hauled their presents to their house for them. I think that kind of duty is usually reserved for a bridesmaid or close friend. The bride and groom don’t have to do it if they don’t want to.
Thanks all. We seem to have a consensus: gift for shower, envelope for wedding. Which is pretty much what I presumed going in, I just wanted to be sure I wasn’t going to commit some horrifying social gaffe doing so.
