Shrieky Man-Bitches must DIE!

The BBQ Pit
1

Ok, not die, really. Maybe have ground habanero peppers stuffed up their urethra or something. Anything to get them off the air.

…although it wouldn’t really change the “shrieking” part would it? Hmmm… more thought is in order on this point.

Anyway there are three guys who I keep seeing on TV who are shrieky man-bitches. All three are have the same sort of voice that’s simultaneously high-pitched and gravelly and they can’t talk without SHRIEKING.

I’ve never met anyone in real life who simultaneously prances, shrieks and has grating yet gravelly voices as these shrieky man-bitches do.

One of 'em is some jerk hawking a bunch of different kinds of cleaners. One of the cleaners is orange-flavored. This cretin shrieks like a 6 year old girl with brain-damage upon seeing a spider.

“You GOTTA TRY DIS CLEANER!” he shrieks about his orange flavored cabinet cleaner every! single! fucking! commercial break on the Food Network.

“IT’S A WOOD-POLISH AND AN ICE CREAM TOPPING! AND IT’S ORANGE SO IT’LL CO-ORDINATE WITH YOUR TEA COSIES” he shrieks as he gets just a little too much into ‘polishing’ the ‘woodwork’.

He also wears an orange watch. I don’t know why this is relevant, but it makes him that much more annoying somehow.

The only person I can compare him to is the other shrieky man-bitch, Marty Lesko. You know: the creep in the Riddler outfit who, on late-night TV tries to sell you a $50.00 book on how to steal tax-dollars from the government? “THIS WOMAN STOLE $70,000 IN TAX-DOLLARS TO OPEN A HOME BUSINESS: SELLING UNDERWATER-WOVEN BASKETS! THIS MAN GOT $50,000 AS AN ART GRANT! HE URINATES TO FUGUES BY BACH! YOU CAN STEAL TAX-DOLLARS TOO!” There’s a whole sleazy “low income people can MAKE FAST $$$$$$$ NOW BY induging in tax-fraud” that’s particularly disgusting considering that he’s targeting a vulnerable segment of the population.

Imagine the ever-repugnant Emeril LaGasse: Imagine him as he prances around fondling his fingers (Why does he masturbate his fingers? Not WITH his fingers, he grasps his thumb and begins massaging it in a phallic way. Eeeewwww.) shrieking about how his cooking is “OH. MY. GAHD! IT’S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!” but up his pitch an octave or so.

I propose a law saying that shrieky man-bitches must at all times be gagged and not permitted to talk. We will force them to learn sign language and give them trained interpreters. The interpreters will be forced to make crude, dull comments whenever shrieky man-bitches try to flirt with women. That way, within a generation or two, the shrieky man-bitch gene will die out.

Fenris

2

Ah, it took awhile to hunt down, but it’s worth it. I agree! Bravo!

3

You mean like a shrieky man-bitch running around the Pit crying out in a shrill voice that shrieky man-bitches must die…again…and again…and again…?

4

Recursion is a beautiful thing. It like putting two mirrors face to face as the images of shrieking man bitches disappear into infinity.

5

Let me say, as a shrieky man-bitch myself, that I resent being compared to Billy Mays, Marty Lesko, and Emeril Legasse.

Thank you for your consideration.

6

The creature you describe sounds much like Billy May(e?)s.

This hideous, screeching, subhuman cocksocket has been taken to task both here and elsewhere for his asinine antics. It completely escapes me how an advertising agency could conclude that a pitchman whose manner inspires a frenzy grand-mal channel-flipping could possibly be considered an asset.

AssHAT, perhaps…

7

THAT’S HIM!!! (I Think. Does he kind of look like the hairy guy from the TV Show “Home Improvement”, but sound like Jan Brady would after gargling with lye?)

(I just checked! It IS him! If you out there in Doperland need to hear exactly what a shrieky man-bitch sounds like, check out this link :: shudders :: )

Fenris

8

Especially check out the first sound-clip “Wood dries out” or “Watch this” or “Baked On. Burnt On”

To get the effect that you get on your TV, play some soothing MP3 or CD. Copland’s “Simple Gifts”, perhaps. About 1/4th of the way in, click on one of those sound files and CRANK THE VOLUME TO THE MAX so the shrieky man-bitch makes your ears bleed.

Fenris

9

I don’t know if this commercial airs on the radio outside the Portland area, but there’s a commercial that I initially found amusing, but then just plain damn annoying, and it has exactly the kind of voice described in the OP

It’s a weight-loss commercial. The signature line of this commercial is “You could lose a SMALL CHILD!”

If you’ve heard it, you know what I’m talking about.

10

What about the blonde guy who does the infomercials for the Nordic-Trac type exercise thingee?

CHRIST, I want to hit him with an aluminum bat right across the chops.
Just once.
Please?

11

The king (or queen) of shrieky man-bitches is Richard Simmons. No body tops him in that category.

12

I get the feeling that more than one body has topped Simmons, grienspace…

[sub][sup]Don’t hit.[/sub][/sup]

13

Well tell us what it feels like. :smiley:
No don’t.

14

“Shrieky Man-Bitches.”

Band name, obviously.

15

Not shrieky but I’ve had quite enough of “fitness celebrity” John Basdow (sp?).

16

It’s John ‘Look at my Abs’ Basedow. What the hell is a fitness celebrity, anyway?

And I think WSLer is referring to Tony Little. I just want to yank that fake ponytail off the back of his head, set it aflame and dance around it naked. Well, maybe just ripping it off his head’ll do.

17

Yeah, probably him. When he goes into his spiel about the reasons you can return whatever equipment it is that he’s hawking, he throws in the reason “…if you don’t like me, return it and get your money back.” My husband or I will occasionally snipe back at the TV something to the effect of, “We already don’t like you, will you pay us for that?”

18

You’ve obviously never met pbrtallboy…:smiley:

19

[Pedant’s Corner]

It’s Matthew Lesko.

[/Pedant’s Corner]

Look on the bright side: you could have Fran Drescher hawking feminine hygiene products. I don’t think you really want that.

20

Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I’m neither shrieky, nor a man-bitch! You take that back sKerri or I’ll, I’ll…I’ll BITE MY PILLOW!