It’s all happening in Shropshire.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I’m glad they’re going to flesh this story out a bit more. I’m hoping for pictures.
OK people, eyes peeled. You never know who’ll try to “bury bad news” under a story of this magnitude.
Our long national nightmare has finally ended.
Can someone in Shropshire please buy the latest paper and send it to me so I can get the full story? I want to capture this moment for my grandchildren.
Not so fast there, Wheelz – didn’t you see that one of the miscreants is still at large? I can’t speak for anyone but me, but I plan on spending the rest of the day huddled in a corner, clutching a poker and jumping wild-eyed at every creak.
In other words, the standard Friday.
I hope there’s still time to capture this fast-developing story in verse.
There peeps in Sainsbury’s store tonight
Or poops, as may betide,
A bird whose brother yesternight
Peeped with him beside.
Man, I’d like to move to Shropshire. Today’s paper where I’m from is all “FOOTBALL HOLY SHIT FOOTBALL plus murder.” In Shropshire it’s evidently “Wow it’s really fucking cold outside oh and sparrows!”
This information packs a wallop,
Fresh from off the press in Salop;
Please forgive me if this news harrows:
In Sainsbury’s they’re snaring sparrows.
Everyone will remember where we were when we heard the news.
Hey…if God notes the fall of every sparrow…does this mean the Shropshire Star is…God?
Oh hear me! While I spread the word;
Lest some among ye have nae heard;
They’ve caught in store a fluttering bird;
There lives a second - but not a third.
Could be a Macgonagall epic:
'Twas in the winter of 2010
When snow and ice had made life very hard for men
That news came from a local paper
To the effect that two birds had engaged in a mischevious caper
Hear my tale of avian crime
Which will deserve to be remembered for a very long time.
Note the detail:
Friday 3rd December 2010, 11:29AM GMT.
It is important to pin these things down the minute.
12/3/10
A day that will live in infamy!
Infamy! Infamy! The sparrows have it infamy!
Sparrows, chickadees, blackbirds et. al. routinely fly into Home Centers around here (DIY Centres for those who speak UKish), and perch in the ceiling support beams, chirping away. They usually enter via the Garden Center sections, so you can be treated to bird-song while shopping for garden tools or trimmer line. Luckily Pigeons haven’t figured out how to get inside, or the wheelbarrows and pesticides would be covered in guano…
(Yes, I do realize Sainsburys is a supermarket, but still).
It’s all well and good in this case, but how do we prevent this tragedy from ever recurring? I suggest everybody who wants to shop in a supermarket in Shropshire be subjected to a body scan to see that they’re not carrying contraband sparrows.
Wont somebody please think of the children!
I, for one, welcome our new avian overlords
I just want to know one thing.
Was a grassy knoll, or CIA operatives possing as Muslims, or a sound/studio stage in area 51 used?