Sick people-How common is it for friends/family to abandon them?

In My Humble Opinion
21

And they are correct. I work in a nursing home, it can be terribly sad. On the bright side, there are usually enough kind hearted people on staff to take these “cast-away” patients into their heart and show em a little love. It may not be family but at least it’s human contact.

There are several patients where I work who never have visitors. I give them as much attention and time as I can. At first I thought I was doing it for them but after awhile I realized how good it made me feel. Whatever the reason it’s a win/win situation for them and me :slight_smile:

And yes, the alzheimers patients usually get the worst of this kind of thing. But as others mentioned above, it is a really hard thing to watch and not everone is equipped to see a loved one go through that, so I try not to pass judgement on any absentee family or friends.

22

My experience was that all friends except one dropped out of the seen after one year of not being able to work or go any place.

23

Stillwell Angel it never is a bad thing to be nice and friendly to someone. Now that I’m feeling better and recovering emotionaly as well as physicaly, I’m falling right back into the habit of wanting to drop off stuff for elderly people I know. It’s a good habit to have I suppose. I’m glad when I’ve been ill that I could say I didn’t tease the slow kids at school like some people did. You should always give a person respect unless they earn your emnity.

24

Mrs Prosequi works in the industry, too. She tells me that the relatives who visit least are usually the ones who are most demanding and irrationally critical of the staff. Her take is that it is overcompensation for the guilt they feel for not appearing often enough. As though throwing their weight around on one visit makes up for the visits not made. Is that your experience?

Secondly, we too have had a recent bereavement. Dear friend, woman our age; she was the one who encouraged me to make the moves on Mrs P many moons past. Yet I struggled to speak with her towards the end. Out of fear of a whole bunch of contradictory things, I became conversationally paralysed. I didn’t want to raise the question of The Spectre in case she didn’t want to talk about it; didn’t want to make small talk in case she was irritated by the obviousness of* not* talking about it, and didn’t want to let her lead the conversation because that put all the social burden on her. And any attempt to conquer this silliness couldn’t overcome the excessive self-monitoring which left everything seeming contrived and stilted when compared with the easy chat of better times.

I guess this must be part of the isolation that the dying resent - even their friends can’t act “normal”. Maybe you get better with experience. I hope not to.

25

Stillwell Angel the above was a bit misleading on the point. Good for you!

26

When I was visiting my SIL in the nursing/rehab home, there was a man there in a wheelchair. I assume that because it was a dialysis center, he lost his limb due to diabetes. Every time we went down the corridor, he’d roll up to us and say hi. He just started chatting away saying he didn’t have any visitors coming that day. But he did it every time we visited. He couldn’t have been 40 years old, and he was pretty much abandoned by everyone. I’d stop and chat for a moment, but I could tell it wasn’t nearly enough to fill the void in his life. Very sad.

27

Yes very much so. As in alot of industries, you usually only hear about what you’re doing wrong, and little praise for what’s done right.
If these squeeky wheels who rarely visit were there more, they would see all the good we do for their loved ones. I am the department manager for Medical Records, so I am the one retrieving paperwork when there are complaints or threats of a lawsuit and about 75% of the time it is instigated by one of these absentee family members. But again I try not to pass judgement. Frequent visits or not, it is their right to demand quality care.

Unfortunately you do have fly-by-night staff who are there for a paycheck and don’t give a damn about the patients, so you can never guarentee perfect care 100% of the time. My facility is very strict about it though. You get busted one time for poor patient care and you’re out. Zero tolerance. We are not a franchise type home, we are a privately owned facility which makes the care a little more personal in my opinion. If a customer has a complaint they can talk directly to the head honcho and not some corporate rep.

28

That was one of the reasons why delivering Meals-on-Wheels was so hard for me. I was always late returning to the center because I hated to leave a home without having at least a little chat with each person. My heart ached for them, and of course, I got quite attatched to some of them.

29

Don’t be too hard on them. As you said, they’re mostly imaginary reasons. People have a difficult time dealing with the terminal illness of a family member or friend; they don’t know how to act and it’s uncomfortable for them. Many of my patients cope with having end stage renal disease better than their families do.

Kalhoun, that man you met sounds like a lot of my patients.

30

Personal experience; I visited my late uncle regularly. Many times, I would take my dog, and spend time talking to other patients. Many of these poor people were thrilled to see my dog-one old lady just buried her face in the dog’s face, and cried as she told me how her daughter never visited her. I really think my dog was the only visitor many of these people had. I like to think that buddy (the dog) was able to spread a little cheer around. it is sad-sitting around all day with no one to talk to-I think thats why many elderly people fail so quickly,once they have to live in a nursing home.

31

I second that. Working where I do I see both sides. These illness’s are often harder on those watching them than the patient who is going through it. Some people are strong enough to deal, some aren’t.

While the alzheimer patients are usually the most abandoned, they have the luxery of not knowing they’ve been abandoned. Once the disease is going full force, they don’t remember who their family is, let alone whether its been two days or two years since they visited. They do still need that loving human contact, but it can come from anyone, and alot of times after a hug or conversation (from staff) they think their son/daughter/sister etc has just paid them a visit. It’s the coherant patients I really feel for. They know they’ve been left behind.

32

I contracted Discitis from a diagnostic procedure I had in the hospital to locate the source of my chronic back pain in January 2010. Since then I have had two spinal surgeries and have been unable to work. Fortunately, I am a responsible person and have not had to ask anyone for money since I haved saved over the years just in case. Well other than my wife, my best friend, and my Siberian Husky’s all of my family and friends have slowly stopped visiting me and/or calling me. I don’t understand why people abandon individuals who become sick especially when you need them the most. Just to talk to and keep you company. I mean even my own mother won’t have anything to do with me. I am so confused as to why this has happened. If anyone knows the answer or resources to help me, please let me know.

33

One of the best posts I’ve read in some time. Thx

Like…

Sorry that’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read in some time, and that’s being kind.

Somehow I suspect you’d disagree if you were the “sick friend” who was “cast off.”

34

Dave M., this is a very old thread - what we call a “zombie” thread. You will be more likely to get information and opinions if you start a new post. There are also ongoing threads you can post in just to talk (MMPS) or to vent (Jumpin’ Jesphat… - this month). You may wish to start a thread about your own circumstances.

Welcome to the Dope. May you find a home here as I have.

35

My Dad is old, & while I often offer him the chance to go out & visit others, he always says no.
He just watches TV all day.
He also insists he is not depressed.

36

Sorry to hear that happened to you. My future father in law has disabling chronic back pain issues. He started up a support group for people with chronic pain and ended up making friends through that. At least others who are dealing with the same problem will understand. You might want to check if there is anything like that in your area and if there isn’t maybe you could consider trying to start something.

37

Like

38

I think you need to try putting yourself in their shoes, and cut some people some slack here.

I was primary caregiver to my bedridden MIL for 6 yrs, in my home, right till her death. She was 87, and often had visitors, mostly her lady friends (the husbands always seem to go first!) of the same age. She still had most of her wits, just difficulty understanding her own condition, how long she’d been in her bed, etc.

What I did learn was that it’s a different view, when you’re in your 80’s and every day is an ‘in your face’ battle with decline and your own approaching mortality. Seeing your Gran lose her memory is one thing, but how much more cruel if you were beside her through all that she was, not just a Gran. The war, getting married, the depression, raising families, bowling, cottaging, sharing tragedies and triumphs over generations, these women have a whole history that far exceeds just ‘Gran’. That has to be harder to watch, I think.

Now throw in how many of their peers they must see similar decline manifest in, the numbers simply have to skew when you’re that age, I’d have to believe.

How many visits could you make, before you were overwhelmed? How many could you make if you suspected you were showing signs? Or you were seeing signs in your spouse? How well could you suck up seeing someone you dearly love, ill kept, in a distasteful place, having no control whatsoever?

I guess I would just choose to take a more forgiving view, is all. Not everyone is capable of what you are, for often good reasons, I try to assume people are doing what they can, and leave it at that.

39

I think a big part of this phenomenon is how a family was raised around relatives. Some families are closer than others, and for families that are not-so-close, it comes to no surprise they wouldn’t be terribly invested in an ill family member- how emotionally invested would you be in a relative you might hardly see anyway?

A big reason I like the family that I married into is that they are not like thisl. Hell, if I was terminally ill I’d probably end up seeing my mother-in-law visit far more often than my own mom.

40

I wonder how many people who avoid dying loved ones also have strong feelings against euthanasia.

If I kept myself living just for the benefit of others and they couldn’t be bothered to show up at least once a week, I’d be kind of salty.