We have the same interests, and basically share friends. Because everyone is friends with everyone, we trust each other - if my friends and I are going to go out, I will ask him if he wants to come. If he wants to, he does, and if he doesn’t, no biggie. Same with him.
There’s one friend of his I’m a little uncomfortable about, but it’s a guy friend who he used to do drugs with before he got clean. Said friend is also clean, so I just generally chalk it up to the fact that my father is also a recovering addict and let them be on their way; but mostly when his friend comes over, they stay at the house and play video games.
We love each other and would probably choose each other over our friends, but we generally don’t think it’s fair to ask that. Each of us has friends we’ve known for a lot longer than we’ve known each other, that mean the world to us. I don’t think I could bring myself to ask him to put me before them. The reason we get along so well is that we’re friends first, lovers second. We and all of our friends have a lot in common and share the same interests, so there’s really no reason to make demands like that.
Obviously, this isn’t the case with everyone, but we’re kind of an odd couple.
I have said this before but the problem people run into is imagining this as a linear hierarchy where one person sits above all others. That isn’t the way it should be. It is more like a bubble chart with all kinds of lines drawn across it. Your spouse should be a big bubble but it is certainly possible, at least temporarily, for someone else to supercede everyone else. It may be a friend or a distant relative that you need to help. The idea is that everything isn’t top down and your life and relationships, just like everyone else’s, are complicated and not everything is decreed by a king or queen.
Obvious examples us this can often be seen when someone is in his second or third marriage and has outside children. In my mind, minor children rank above everything but that isn’t exactly what I am getting at. I am saying that your spouse doesnt “Outrank” everyone else like a General to a Private even though she may be the most important person in your life. Specific situations may dictate that she take second place for something when the totality takes precedence.
Downgrade, stop being friends. It sounds similiar to me. If that’s not what she meant, sorry.
First of all I can’t imagine me or my husband involved in a friendship that would cause distress to the other person. It wouldn’t happen. I know the type of person he is, and he knows me. If he suddenly struck up a friendship with someone that was so offensive and beyond the norm I’d probably get him to a doctor.
I’m not a kid. Any new friendships that I strike up would be someone from work or the neighborhood or the dogpark. Exciting life, I know. His would be similiar. We’re not exactly hanging in bars picking up random people to befriend. Most of the people he’s friendly with that I might not care for are just minor annoyances.
No different than a relative that can be a pain in the ass.
My husband plays tennis a few nights a week. One of the guys he plays with (the one I’m not crazy about) started to come over to pick him up. He started coming earlier, started having dinner here, one thing led to another and he and his wife have dinner here one night a week and she stays until they get back.
I’m not thrilled about it. He also burnt the mat in my car. I could probably say something and he’d tell the guy he’d meet him and he would.
My husband has raised my son. For awhile my nephew lived here with us. He’s never complained or said one word that he ever minded doing anything for my family or friends.
I could say something about his friend or the imposition of entertaining when I don’t feel like it, but why would I do that? Why ruin any enjoyment he might get out of the friendship because I don’t like him?
You see, on further reflection, there’s some weird things here.
I, like you, moved one hell of a lot of times. Between kindergarten and my senior year in high school I attended (no fooling) ten public schools. The longest for three years (involuntarily) and the shortest for about three weeks. We’re a travelling bunch.
I make friends, but mostly of the ‘hail fellow well met’ variety without a great deal of depth. There are a few that are truly deeply held and those I cling to tightly. And the strongest of those is Lady Chance. I honestly can’t imagine the world without her. Odd, given how independent both of us tend to be with each other but it’s true. We’re a team and it sometimes amuses and perplexes people how much we do things together. I can probably count on both hands the number of times in the last ten years that we’ve been done social engagements that didn’t include each of us (excluding work things that we’re both forced into).
Several posters have said that it it wouldn’t make sense for their SO to make them choose between their friends and themselves for no reason.
It doesn’t need to be for no reason and it doesn’t need to be such a radical ultimatum. You can make up the background and the reasons to make the question more interesting to answer (go wild!). I’ve also read from numerous persons in happy marriages. I’m glad to hear it but some marriages are worse than others. It doesn’t have to be about your present relationship and it doesn’t even need to be about yourself.
I think that looking at the question from as many angles as possible would be interesting.