Ninja’ed. 
I have a bag of pistachios right here on my desk 
Apparently explaining to your best friend that you have to throw certain foods - like say, a particular fun-sized milky way - out because they’re unlucky means that you’re nuts. But what if I don’t throw the unlucky ones away and someone else unwittingly eats them and they break a tooth? That would be wrong.
Another way is dressing entirely in Saran Wrap.
My bed doesn’t have an underside. It goes all the way down and there are drawers on the side for storage. No monsters here!
Oh, they’re there, all right. They’re patiently working the glue loose from the back of the drawers, and one day, when you open that drawer to get a fresh pillowcase. . . BAM!
I note with amusement that this thread currently has a public service ad with a picture of Shrek under the OP. So you’re right, Martian Bigfoot, there are monsters under your bed.
I am unable to look at myself in the mirror in the dark. When I get up in the middle of the night to pee I always take a small drink of water. I don’t turn on the light because I don’t want to wake myself up too much, and I am very very superstitious about looking in the mirror in the dark. I am convinced if I do I will see the devil. Which is stupid because I was raised an atheist.
Sometimes I can’t look at myself in the mirror at all, because I’m afraid that I’ll see someone else’s face.
I’m surprised that none of you is worried that, while you were in the shower, somebody has entered your house through a door or window you foolishly didn’t triple check before closing that shower curtain, and is even now creeping stealthily toward your bathroom door with a large butcher knife, which he will use to repeatedly stab you after he rips open the curtain. Is that a shadow you see on the other side? Or just your robe hanging on the back of the bathroom door? Did you really lock that door or just think about it?
Sleep well.
I love you so much I could never live without you, you worthless life destroying asshole!
Hey Chefguy, did you remember o turn off the oven before going to bed?
dammmmmnnnnn youuuuu!
Every time I leave the house I have to tell the cats when I’ll be back or else something bad will happen to me and I won’t come home at all.
I have been wondering why I have known so many crazy people. Then I realized that they think I am their leader. I am the pied piper of nut cases.
To be used in conjugation with the patented Gary Larson Monster Snorkel.
I absolutely cannot be in a dark room with a mirror for a similar reason, except for me it’s Bloody Mary. I know she’s not real, but that doesn’t matter. I actually have panic attacks if I’m in a dark room with a mirror if I can’t get out.
I’m not worried about seeing the devil, but I know something I’ve watched or read has freaked me out when I can’t look in the mirror. I’m afraid that the reflection will do something I don’t.
I cannot, cannot, cannot look into a mirror if I’m drunk. I just know my face will be all melty and then something will jump out at me from the mirror and grab me and I’ll be all corpsified and gross.