I would like a neon sign at the front door to my office that says…
Shut the fuck up. Get the fuck out
I have one of those offices that is convenient to congreate in, and often the congregates are those boisterous of voice, and absent of all couth. My conference callers often LOVE to hear about that stripper you banged last night. :rolleyes:
Another one I’d like to put up…
It’s a REFRIGERATOR not a LAB EXPERIMENT
And finally, one that’s a bit more. shall we say, happy.
I believe altering a direct quote and misattributing it is against the rules. I shall report this post forthwith, sir, and furthermore I shall at some later date demand satisfaction.
You know that little button on your screen that looks like a printer? Well, when you click on that it prints the page. And that paper magically comes out of the printer and piles up while you sit on your ass.
If you use the last of me, replace me!
This would be taped next to the toiler paper dispenser, soap dispenser, and water cooler. I swear it seems like I am the only one capable of doing these three tasks in my office. I’m on the fucking phone!
What I wouldn’t give to have that one in bright, neon letters right above my desk so people wouldn’t begin talking to me, loudly, before they can actually see me and see what I’m doing. Nobody gives a fuck!
This is for one cow-orker in particular who I’m afraid to make eye contact with anymore because if I do, I am forced to listen to her life story.
We do have a couple of fun signs in our office already. We have one above the sink that says “Do not put ANY food down this drain!” We had a little plumbing issue a while back.
There’s also one in the bathroom that says, “Brrrrrr … if you don’t want frostbite when you sit down, leave the door open when you’re done!” If our bathroom door stays closed all the time, the bathroom gets down to about 30 degrees in the winter.
You have your job and I have mine. Don’t keep interrupting my work to help you, just because you are too damn stupid to handle your own simple fucking job.
This is not the break room, or social center. Maybe you’re too fucking stupid to notice I keep moving the extra chairs out of my cubicle. Get it through your thick fucking head that I don’t want it here, anymore than I want you here.
No I really don’t give a damn about your dog or the Bruins or any other fucking thing you already repeated a thousand times. It was boring and idiotic the first time and it ain’t gotten any better.
A-freakin’-men. Listen, perfume-bathers–we can smell it MUCH more strongly than you can, because you basically become immune to it after a few minutes. So don’t put it on more heavily because YOU can’t smell it–believe me, WE can. And some people are VIOLENTLY sensitive to perfumes, to the point of becoming ill. It wouldn’t kill you to use less than a quart of fragrance every morning, out of plain human consideration. I mean, I know some people who are so sensitive that they can’t even walk through the scented candle aisle at the store. It’s not as if they expect people to never wear fragrance–and they avoid all they can, but when someone comes along who’s literally doused themselves in it, they have an immediate respiratory reaction that can last for hours, sometimes even days.
And though we can argue rights and freedoms all day, what do you really give up by simply wearing a little less perfume?
Signs that I might be eating lunch:
[SIZE=2]1) It’s Lunch Time
2) I appear to be periodically putting things in my mouth and making chewing motions
3) As I respond to your interruption, I continue to put things in my mouth and make chewing motions
4) I ask the question, “Can we talk about this after lunch?”[/SIZE]
On the discussion of time cards, I have a standard speech:
Make sure your time card is correct and submitted on time. It is the only thing that’s absolutely required in order for you to get paid. We can slip a schedule on a deliverable, we can put up with a mistake now and again, but I guarantee you that if you turn your time card in late or incomplete, you will not get paid. Can this be any simpler? You don’t get paid to write code; you get paid to turn in your time card. Writing code is a nice thing that will make us want to keep you around, and it will ultimately increase the size of your paycheck, but if you don’t make sure your time card is correct and is submitted on time, you won’t get paid.
