Ahh, I didn’t even need to look at your location to know that you were in the pacific northwest. WTF is it with people here, that they can’t, oh I don’t know, use their voices to get people’s attention- is there a state law, and is it a criminal or just a civil offense? Also, they don’t just stand there and stare, they give you that obviously phony Pacific Northwest Smile ™ that’s really just baring their teeth. :rolleyes:
Sign on the fridge:
THREE DAYS IS LONG ENOUGH–IF YOU HAVEN’T EATEN IT YET, THROW IT OUT!
No one followed that rule, even when the school year ended. We all came back from summer vacation to find a new ecosystem in the now-unsalvageable mini-fridge. The contents had melted and oozed out, soaking the top of the wooden desk it was on. There was an entire colony of drosophila residing, not only in the break room but the entire corner of the first floor. Ewww. Now we have no fridge, which doesn’t bother me because I never used it anyway.
THE WALLS ARE PAPER THIN–IF YOU LET YOUR STUDENTS SCREAM, IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM.
This used to be a school without walls, so when they put up the “temporary” walls, they used plywood and cinder blocks. It’s no more soundproof than a wall of toilet paper. Keep your students quiet. I can’t be expected to discipline them and mine too.
To the maintenance staff:
WHEN THE PAPER TOWEL DISPENSER IS HANGING OPEN, EMPTY, IT’S TIME TO PUT IN SOME MORE TOWELS.
Why is that hard? Same goes for toilet paper and soap dispenser. My hands get covered in chalk dusk every day and it’s bad enough that I’m breathing it, do I have to eat it with my lunch too? Please, I need soap and a towel. I don’t think the toiler paper even needs discussion.
WHEN THE CHALK BOARD IS SO COVERED IN CHALK DUST THAT ALL WRITING IS UNINTELLIGIBLE, IT’S TIME TO WASH IT. YES, WHEN I WRITE “PLEASE WASH” THAT IS NOT JUST A SUGGESTION.
Oh, man!! Consider the endless possibilities:
If they’re taking/making a call in the crapper, it’s gotta be important, right (or at least it is to them)? This is the time to preface any “special delivery” with a strangled "HHHRRRRRRRNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHOH-My-GOD-HNNNRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Be sure to use maximum colon contraction to generate the loudest possible “re-entry” splash; you want something his boss, client, patient, girlfriend or mother will hear loud and clear.
If you’ve already taken “care of business”, you could also make a series of escalating flatus (flatii?)sounds or mock (or real-why not?) “fwap-fwap-fwap” noises.
Just be sure he can’t recognize you by your shoes and make every effort to bolt before he has a chance to wipe.
We actually used something similar to the following in a place I once worked. We posted it on the door to our six-cube room so anybody entering couldn’t miss it:
It actually worked pretty well, as I recall.
“STOP POLISHING YOUR MAC-10 AND MUTTERING INCOHERENTLY ABOUT THE RAPTURE ON POST OFFICE TIME.” Uh, so how you doin’, Bob? Just been fired?Disgruntled? Err, let me, umm, just go get something out of my car. You just keep on polishing there, buddy…be right back…<SLAM!>
So apparently you work in Silent Hill 
Sign for my undergrad project students:
"Guys, I think you’re lovely, I really do. However, I do have other work to do other than bring you up to speed with things like how telescopes work. Bearing that in mind, please note the following:
-
Pay attention. I am taking time out of my schedule to accommodate you. Please do not come to see me when your attention span is less than a millisecond.
-
On that note, I really do not want to discuss my personal life with you. If you see me on a Monday or Friday, chances are, I may well have a weekend bag with me. However, IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS as to why I have said bag or where I’m going this weekend.
-
If I tell you that you need to read x,y, and z in order to understand how say, the VLA works, and how you get pretty pictures out of it, then, DO NOT bitch at me as to how much reading there is to do. Either do the reading, or follow instructions blindly, and when you get stuck don’t come whinging that you don’t know what’s wrong.
-
Pay attention. How hard is this?"
I swear to God, if someone doesn’t buy me that poster for Christmas, I’m buying it myself and hanging it in my office.
shudder
That happened to me once.
Guy in next cubicle: Hey, dude. Yeah. Yeah. in the men’s room. On the shitter. The shitter! Yeah. Ok. Love you too. (Immediately leaves.)
Very surreal.
–Cliffy
He shits in his cubicle?! :eek:
I’d love to work in a place where the humour is right so that I could put up a sign “You don’t have to be corrupt to work here, but it helps”. And in rest rooms, “Staff and Patrons are required to wash there hands after using restroom, on pain of death. The Mgmt.”.
So help me OG, if you tell our CEO this, I’ll hunt you down and break your knees with a stack of Club Med brochures.
For the “Stop drinking my fucking soda” sign I have an awesome story.
It happened 16 years ago but it was so great I still remember it. They could use the scene in a movie.
Worked in a “commisioned” retail environment with a lot of sleazy salesmen types who all shared the same breakroom. Said breakroom has a Coke machine. Another sales guy likes to bring in his Coke 6-pack and keep in the fridge with his name on it.
He enters the breakroom one day where about 8 other sales guys including myself are. He looks in the fridge an lo’ and behold one of his Cokes is missing.
He immediately looks around the room where about 5 other guys are drinking Cokes. “Who took one of my Cokes?” he asks. Eight "not me"s come out of us.
Instead of blowing a fuse he calmly sits on a sofa, puts his hands behind his head, sits back and starts to watch everyone drinking their sodas. Guys in the room think it strange but continue swiging their sodas.
After about 3 minutes, he gets up, and approaches a sales guy sitting at the lunch table. He puts his hands on the table and leans over the guy. “That’s my Coke your drinking” he says calmly. “No it’s not,” the guy says “I got it out of the machine.”
“No, it’s one of mine. Know how I can tell?” he says now picking up the open can and holding it about a foot from the guys chin.
“How?” the guy asks.
He then simultaneously turns the can upside-down and replies “I use a sharpie and mark mine with an X on the bottom, see!” dumping the soda into the guys lap.
Priceless.
This pit thread found me in a rare, pissed off mood, so here goes. A couple are just rants and not stuff you’d actually put on a sign.
I understand that your new digital camera is very cool and expensive, and I’d love to see a picture of your son/wife/daughter/girlfriend/vacation etc. But 5MB is usually a little too much. I don’t need to be able to see individual strained pea molecules on junior’s chin. I have a file size limit on my inbox, and I can usually see what I need to see with a JPEG file that’s about 100K tops.
I like football, but I don’t care about Fantasy Football. Please discuss your “team” somewhere else with someone who gives a flying fuck. In fact, if you really know so much about football, why don’t you bet money on the games instead of this Dungeons and Dragons for jocks bullshit.
Don’t send/forward me stupid shit. Check Snopes before you forward every stupid motherfucking email you get. If you really must waste bandwith and everyone’s time, at least make an effort to see if the inane crap you’re forwarding is factual.
Please don’t intentionally abuse our vehicles, tools, or other equipment. If you really must get out your frustrations on an inanimate object, please do it on your own time with something of your own that other people don’t have to rely on to do their work.
If you consider some aspect of your job to be menial or beneath you, take that up with your boss or quit and get another fucking job. Don’t take out your dissatisfaction on me and your other co-workers every time we ask you (nicely) to do said job.
Don’t make up excuses to save face, especially excuses that insult my intelligence. If you didn’t do something you were supposed to do, don’t blame someone else or the equipment. If you did something you weren’t supposed to do, own up to it and do what you can to make it right.
If you’re saving files on the shared server, organize them in folders and give them names. When I’m looking for it later, default names like “Book1.xls” or “MVC0057” don’t really help me out. While we’re on the subject, don’t save 20 slightly different versions of the same fucking file with annoying little suffixes like filenamegood, filename2, filenamenew, filenamenew2. Delete the older ones, or if they’re that important, archive them properly.
You! Yeah, YOU. Before you take another step up his cube, read this:
When Loopy first saw that confocal microscope, that scintillation counter, that densitometer, that real-time-fluorogenic-PCR sequence detector, that spectrophotometer, that high-pressure liquid chromatography unit, that anaerobic chamber, that ultracentrifuge, that sequencer, et-fucking-cetera, he didn’t know how to use it. Y’know what he did first? He read the manual. Y’know why? Because people are busy, so before he asked people how to use it, he tried to figure out as much as he could first. Then, and only then, did he make somebody drop what they were doing and help him.
If you ask me one more time to give you a full tutorial on how to use a piece of equipment you haven’t expended one second of your own time to figure out first, I will seal your face shut with rusty haemostats. What’re those? Look it up.
Now fuck off.
ATTN:
The fridge is NOT for long-term storage! Also, it is NOT a garbage staging area. There is a trash can directly to your left.
Do not put paper bags in this fridge. Why? Becuase you constantly forget about it and it sits here forever and rots and stinks all to be damned!!!
Also, this fridge will not keep opened cans of soda from going flat. The same goes for the 32 oz soda left over from Baja Fresh. Oh, and here’s a clue…when you realize it has gone flat, THROW IT AWAY!!!
I’d go one beyond that. Here are two suggestions.
1
“If there is a handle on this toilet, it is not automatic, so please flush it yourself.”
2
I AM THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AND IF YOU USE THIS TOILET AND DO NOT FLUSH IT I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, KILL YOU WITH A HAIL OF A THOUSAND STEELY KNIVES, AND MAKE YOUR FAMILY WATCH YOU DIE IN HORRIBLE AGONY.
I would suggest using the first sign in offices and the second in public restrooms, but it’s up to the discretion of management.
That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day 