Skyscrapers, Executives, and Miscalculated Feces

Well well well, here we are in the year 2004: near the end of it actually. For all intents and purposes, humanity is supposedly at its evolutionary pinnacle. We have cellphones that can make movies, underpants that can be eaten, and cars that show the movies we made on our cellphones.

We build skyscrapers: majestic, daunting, although in Chicago, quite flammable. In those skyscrapers, particularly the one I work in, brilliant men and women in 1,000 dollar suits manage your money. They are in charge of millions of dollars. We entrust them with every dime of our lives because they attended ivy league schools and can do long division. They have fan-fucking-tastic haircuts, they give us the wink and the gun, they buy drinks, they get laid and apparently…


This started happening about two months ago. Before I go any further, I want to emphasize that your preconcieved theory of “it’s a homeless guy” or “it’s teenage hooligans” is flat out WRONG. to even get to the bathrooms on the upper floors, you need TWO IDs and a key to said bathrooms.

I am a facilities administrator, so I get the calls:

“Um…hi…uh…someone needs to come clean the men’s room west on 31. Someone has left…well…they soiled the bathroom. There’s…feces on top of the toilet and some on the floor.”

Obviously, this was a tragic taquito accident as not all Loop restaurants are always FOUR STAR if you get my meaning. When things happen once, they are comedy.

But now it has happened not twice but THRICE, and I have been instructed to make up a ‘humorous’ sign to be posted in the bathrooms asking people to please NOT POOP ON THE FLOORS OR TOPS OF THE TOILETS, AND KEEP FECES OFF OF WALLS AND DOORS.

You realize I’m not working in a psychiatric institution or a zoo…but IN ONE OF THE LARGEST BANKING INSTITUTIONS ON THE PLANET.

These employees are unable to keep their feces off of doors and walls.

What’s happening? Is this what we’ve come to in a post 9/11 America? And why is a ‘humorous sign’ required? How about a simple “SHIT IN THE TOILET NOT ON THE FUCKING FLOOR YOU GOD DAMN TROGLODYTE.”

I ask you all to fall to your knees and thank Christ for your jobs.

At least you weren’t asked to clean up the mess!

Have you checked to see if anyone is being downsized or outsourced? :wink: Maybe it’s a political statement.

My husband instructs me to ask you why you think Jamie does that, but I have a feeling you won’t get the joke. I think you’re not in the right building. :slight_smile:

You know, I used to have a job where I had to deal with multi-millionaires on a daily basis, and I found that the ones who were the wealthiest and supposedly the best educated always had more problems with the ordinary aspects of daily life than anyone else.

Do these executives bring their precocious children to work with them?

thirdwarning, if Jamie’s last name sounds like a precious gem, then I AM in the right building :wink:

Is it happening during normal business hours? Not that I ever did anything like you describe, but long ago, I had a summer job for a security company. Essentially, I was the peon in the polyester uniform. I did rounds on the graveyard shift.

One assignment was at the multistory headquarters of a large company. Very heirarchical. The offices on each floor were just a bit better than those on the floor below. A few more square feet of space, a slightly bigger desk, incrementally better carpet. Every amenity was just a bit better the higher up you went. For 13 floors. Even the TOILET PAPER. They stocked half a dozen grades of butt wipes.

Graveyard shift, I said. Me and one other guy in a building that housed thousands during the day. Doing rounds means I had keys to everything from the penthouse to the third subbasement. Guess which bathroom I used?

I think I’d suggest re-keying the lock(s). Keys can fall into the wrong hands.



What is it about the banking industry? Fifteen years ago I worked in a building with at least one lunatic crapper. Some idiot also thought nothing of doing her business while munching on Frito’s.

No, I didn’t have a hidden camera in the stall, I used an adjoining toilet one day and wondered why there was a bag of chips on the floor leaning against someone’s ankle. Then I saw the hand and heard the crunch. EEEEE! I’ve never wiped and washed so fast in my life.

Evidently it was a common occurrence since a few weeks later everyone got a note from facilities management stating, “Please do not eat in the restrooms as we have a fine cafeteria with plenty of seating.” There was a whole lot of gagging and giggling going on that day. To my eternal regret, the facilities guy didn’t put it the note on company letterhead, but I still have it.

He can’t be the culprit, as his shit does not stink.

In the Chicago office building I’m (sadly still) in tonight, I know where the beer is kept (AND have the key - no polyester, these days).

I’ve had just the right amount, too.

How do I know? Because if I hadn’t had any, I wouldn’t have decided to figure out Jar works. And if I’d had too much, I probably would have posted it here.

Satisfy my curiousity, though. Am I right? (Check your e-mail)

Sounds to me like it’s probably one person. A disgruntled employee perhaps, who can’t afford to quit so he’s making a statement however he can.

“This is the best company around… FOR ME TO POOP ON!”

Perhaps some executive has misunderstood the phrase “The shit’s gonna hit the fan!”

Your humorous sign should read:

Don’t shit on the floor, walls or doors. Ha ha ya disgusting motherfuckers.

Now, I have to point out that this here is the silver lining in the poop-cloud. How often does anyone have the opportunity to post humorous signs about poop in their workplace? At the request of management? C’mon, jar, you’re getting paid to write ditties about poop. That’s… that’s…

That’s awesome.

Here, I’ll help:

You think work’s a game.
Here’s a hint to score a goal:
Concentrate! Perfect your aim!
Keep your feces in the bowl!


There once was a man from the Loop
Who was hated by all in his group.
You see, he did not
Quite hit the pot
When he entered the stall for a poop.

Lunch in the Loop always has what you seek
Have Mexican, Italian or even have Greek.
When you return to the office, to the toilet you’ll go
But remember one thing, as most of us know:
When nature calls, you’ll find relief through that door
But one thing to remember, don’t shit on the floor!

Or a haiku:

Don’t shit on the floor.
This is not the place for poop.
On the walls either.


Then we work in different buildings, but for the same company.
(Although, when I first saw Jamie’s name, I was pronouncing it differently… Making it sound rather… Demonic. Not on purpuse, just because that’s how I thought it was pronounced.)

Kindly refrain from banking your shit off the seat.
Please make your deposits such that they’ll generate little interest.

I’ll admit, I’m not always the sharpest crayon in the box, but I’m having a little trouble connecting the dots on this one.

Someone is pooping outside the toilet.

Go back and reread that again.

Just in case you didn’t:

Someone is pooping outside the toilet.

Posting sign is supposed to make some kind of an impression on this person?

Is the idea that they’re going to read it and say, “Oh, jeepers! I guess my pooping on the toilet seat, so that some other human being has to clean up my shit, isn’t appreciated. That never would have occurred to me.”

Or maybe, “Oh, dear, someone knows! I’d thought that my feces would magically disappear, or be collected by helpful elves, before anyone noticed. I guess I’d better poop in the bowl from now on.”

Make sure you use the phrase “prehensile rectum” on your humorous sign.