Well well well, here we are in the year 2004: near the end of it actually. For all intents and purposes, humanity is supposedly at its evolutionary pinnacle. We have cellphones that can make movies, underpants that can be eaten, and cars that show the movies we made on our cellphones.
We build skyscrapers: majestic, daunting, although in Chicago, quite flammable. In those skyscrapers, particularly the one I work in, brilliant men and women in 1,000 dollar suits manage your money. They are in charge of millions of dollars. We entrust them with every dime of our lives because they attended ivy league schools and can do long division. They have fan-fucking-tastic haircuts, they give us the wink and the gun, they buy drinks, they get laid and apparently…
THEY ARE POOPING IN PLACES NOT THE TOILET.
This started happening about two months ago. Before I go any further, I want to emphasize that your preconcieved theory of “it’s a homeless guy” or “it’s teenage hooligans” is flat out WRONG. to even get to the bathrooms on the upper floors, you need TWO IDs and a key to said bathrooms.
I am a facilities administrator, so I get the calls:
“Um…hi…uh…someone needs to come clean the men’s room west on 31. Someone has left…well…they soiled the bathroom. There’s…feces on top of the toilet and some on the floor.”
Obviously, this was a tragic taquito accident as not all Loop restaurants are always FOUR STAR if you get my meaning. When things happen once, they are comedy.
But now it has happened not twice but THRICE, and I have been instructed to make up a ‘humorous’ sign to be posted in the bathrooms asking people to please NOT POOP ON THE FLOORS OR TOPS OF THE TOILETS, AND KEEP FECES OFF OF WALLS AND DOORS.
You realize I’m not working in a psychiatric institution or a zoo…but IN ONE OF THE LARGEST BANKING INSTITUTIONS ON THE PLANET.
These employees are unable to keep their feces off of doors and walls.
What’s happening? Is this what we’ve come to in a post 9/11 America? And why is a ‘humorous sign’ required? How about a simple “SHIT IN THE TOILET NOT ON THE FUCKING FLOOR YOU GOD DAMN TROGLODYTE.”
I ask you all to fall to your knees and thank Christ for your jobs.