This isn’t a rant about child support payment. I come down firmly on the pro-child/custodial parent side of that debate (in most circumstances). It is about attitudes at work.
I’m a divorced, non-custodial parent. My son lives about 140 miles away from me, and I get on very well with my ex, his mother, fortunately. What pisses me off is the attitude I sometimes see at work. Female associates of mine are able to take time off for family obligations - its a law firm, a very progressive one, and the basic attitude is that as long as your work is done, you get to work whenever you feel like it, within reason.
The same rules, essentially, apply to me. However, if it comes down to a piece of work that has to be done, and I have time planned with my son, and the female colleague has time planned with her family, I am the one who is expected to lose out.
I appreciate in the work place there are many advantages of being male. I also appreciate this is an product of a sexist presumption that women are primarily responsible for child care. But it gets me pissed when it happens repeatedly. And explaining to an 8 year old that Dad has to cancel plans at the last minute because of work is not easy at all.
It’s bad for us single, childless people as well. The assumption is that we don’t have lives. I’ve had to cover for a number of people in the past. I never whine about it, but I hate that it is assumed that whatever plans I might have are “unimportant.”
Next time this comes up, you might consider making a point of mentioning that you’ll take this one, but that gets you one in the bank for future conflicts. Then document it and insist on it. If they still keep screwing you, hey it’s a law firm they ought to know when they’re on thin ice.
It’s not a matter of banking it, unfortunately. Such is the life of an associate. All the partner cares about is that the work is done. My complaint is more about my colleagues, I guess, who don’t accept a fair share of such situations…
And yes, tdn, I know it is bad for the single people too. I lose those dates or other plans as well.
I’d be happy to rant about single fathers and child-support–from the point of view of a boss who has watched their employee fighting the courts forever to get his non-custodial ex to pay her child support that was mandated by the courts. If she were the custodial parent and he was $20K+ in arrears, I don’t think the courts would be so lenient. Grrrrr!
I think his point was, “If you think guys with partial custody are screwed over by the employers in favor of women with families, you should see how men with FULL custody are screwed over.”
Please don’t do it here though. I really want to avoid that whole side of it. This is about the way in which people are treated at work regarding family obligations.
Meh, I am single and childless and in most circumstances my plans are unimportant when it comes to the needs of a child.
boss: Somebody’s got to come in on Saturday All: Oh maaaannn… Monkey: “I was going to take my girlfriend to the oyster festival downtown.” Coworker: “It’s my weekend with my sons who I haven’t even seen in two weeks” Monkey: “Shit, you win. I guess I’ll just meet her there late” Coworker: "Thanks, I’ll make it up to you "
My point being to keep it in perspective. In the scheme of things, kids spending time with their non-custodial parent is more important than you or me getting drunk and eating oysters.
And that I definitely try to do. Those colleagues who have fallen on grenades so I can keep weekends with my son, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know you have plans that are very important to you, and I do my best to make it up to you. Including covering for you this Thanksgiving and Christmas Day.
To the colleagues who are married, and who constantly claim that they can’t work over the weekend because they have to do X or Y with their children, I sometimes wonder whether your husband is available to do anything with the kids at all. But more I wonder why that trumps my time with my son.
If you think it sucks being a single father, try being a childless associate in a law firm. I’ve had to cancel tons of family obligations (mother’s day, birthdays, etc.), missed concerts with friends, cancelled vacations, etc., over the years, because the assumption is that because I haven’t spawned, nothing in my life could be as important as my job. Which, then, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy…
Well, in my experience, it’s that the women tend to draw a harder line, and once you’ve drawn that line a few times, it gets easier to draw. But of course there are repercussions; if someone tells me that they can’t work late or come in on a weekend, I’m done with them. I won’t staff them on my cases. (Exceptions are made, particularly for “I can’t find childcare” but that statement damn well better be followed by “so I’ll have to work at home and may have to take some breaks, but I’ll be available.” And you better not pull that crap frequently.)
But yeah, I hear you. There is more of an assumption that if you’re male, there’s some woman with primary responsibility for the children, so you can make arrangements to be available. Because, remember, the issue from the partners’ perspective isn’t “he needs time with his son” but is instead “he needs to make childcare arrangements, because he ought to be committed to client needs.”
You’re single and childless. So am I. But, Oh, wait … you’re in a LAW FIRM.
Whoopdie fuckin’ Doo. Suck it up man. There are people that have more shit that they absolutely have to fucking do. I can see it, why can’t you? The kid is the ultimate trump card in any situation. That’s just human decency. I don’t care what your job is, I just hate the whining about how we single guys have it so tough.
“How come nobody respects the single guys?”, you say. They do respect us. They think we have more time to kill. You know what? They’re right.
Word to the wise: Because we aren’t tied down we have the time to go above and beyond the call of duty, which is always rewarded.
Unless your bosses are assholes and won’t give any holidays off, in which case I recommend sending out resumes.
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Way to miss the point, Monkeyboy.
First, why are you sniping at me? I am not The Man (in any way, shape or form). The fuckers are the partners in the firm, who tell stirring tales of “how I billed 3000 hours the year my Johnny was diagnosed with leukemia” and “when my children draw pictures of the family, I’m not included.” And they tell these stories with pride. So don’t give me shit and act as if I’m somehow the problem.
Second, the reason it pisses me off that the ones with kids get a pass is because the expectation for them is lower than it is for me, but we’re all paid the same amount, and the job expectations are the same. We don’t work a 9 to 5 job, and that’s reflected in our pay. If you want to work a 9 to 5 job, go somewhere else.
Well, it could be worse. The single and unmarried are entirely exempted from the luxuries of taking some time off for the family. My other single/childless co-worker and I have covered the office before/after Thanksgiving for the last 3.5 years I’ve been working. The breeders are usually out for the whole week. Before I came on board he did it himself. Now we split it. This year I took Thanksgiving so I’m going home for Christmas.
Don’t be so sure. Enforcement of these laws varies quite a bit from location to location, even from county to county. I have a female friend whose ex-husband didn’t pay for two years before they gave him community service. She had to go to court four times.
All of this is just another reason for me to file away to avoid having children. I’m not convinced yet, but MAN . . .
A coworker’s wife was due something like $20000 from her ex for her son. The son is now 23, I think, and someone came to the coworker’s door asking if anyone there knew where the ex could be found. They finally want him to pay his child support.
You’ve got all this documented, right? So you can stand your ground and say, “On 8 of the 9 previous occasions this has occurred, preference has gone to (female colleague). I’m sorry, but this time, it’s my turn.”
Or, more simply, “I’m sorry boss, but I have other arrangements this weekend.”