Sir, kindly refrain from linefarting the cafeteria.

You’d think it would be obvious. If you’re in a place where people are actually trying to ingest aromas, they’re not going to take kindly to a sudden blast of wind via your anus. Therefore, I hope for his sake the massive toot he sprang on us was as big of a surprise to him as it was to us. Still…

I’d ventured down to the cafeteria early, just getting in before a rush of folks followed. Having grabbed a premade sandwich and some lemonaid, I wandered over to the short line of three people waiting to pay for their purchase. As I approached the last person I heard what I thought was someone dragging their foot across the floor, kind of a little whuppuppupp noise. Naw, I thought to myself. Nobody would rip one in the company cafeteria.

As I reached over to grab a fork, a halo of acrid, airborne asshole straight from the rectum of the devil hit me upside the head. I’ll be danged if this Accountant in front of me hadn’t busted ass right there where we were all going to have to wade through it. Olfactory courtesy be dammed.

I immediately exhaled hard enough that I felt a little boogie try and break for freedom and stepped back three or paces as well. Setting down my now tainted sandwich and drink, I wiped my nose and saw a woman approach.

Noticing the large gap, she said ‘‘Excuse me, are you in line here or ma…’’ Wham! Her head jerked back and she too went ‘‘fffnnnnnnaaaa’’ as she vigorously tried to expell his anal aroma. I’d only seen an amimal jerk like her once before. Remember in Cool Hand Luke when Newman sprinkled black pepper all over the ground to throw the bloodhounds chasing him off the trail? They began to sneeze and snort and whine for mercy? Ditto.

Although I didn’t point at the emitter with my finger, I did point at him with my eyes and she turned and glared at him as well.

Never have I seen such a shade of crimson on a guy’s neck before. Beet freakin’ red was he. The lady, whom I knew to be a Senior Exploration Manager, stepped back around me and got in line a safe distance from the guy that ripped.

Another woman came up and eyed the gap but before she could enquire as to our line status the woman behind me called her over to save her from the peril.

‘‘That guy just farted’’ I heard her whisper to her friend. Admittedly, it was the first time I’d ever heard a Donna Reed looking V.P. say that before.

‘‘What?’’ her friend inquired.

‘‘That man’’ she said. ‘‘He just cut the most awful fart.’’

The third member of their party approached. ‘‘Sheila’’ the V.P. cried. ‘‘Over here.’’ As Sheila approached, Donna Reed admonished her to stay back, again stating ‘‘That guy just farted!’’

About this time another checker walked up and opened a second line. I’m not sure if she knew of the cloud of ass that had made ours unbearable but we vacated it nevertheless and made our way over to the divine freshness of the second one.

Looking back, the four of us began to giggle as another man walked up behind the farter and saw his face begin to involuntarily crinkle. ‘‘That poor bastard’s knee deep in fart.’’ Sheila exclaimed. All I could do was return her knowing smile, collect my stuff and leave, hoping to hell I never have to go through the same embarassment that loose assed Accountant did. An educated guess would be that he’ll be brown baggin’ it for quite awhile.

That was a great laugh! Luckily the first woman cutting in line didn’t think it was you!

My favorite gag at places like TGIFriday’s and AppleBee’s is to rip a huge gasser in the little foyer just before you get into the dining area. Nothing like getting a little ass-blast just before you eat! :smiley:

SCREW the land of “Milk and Honey”! I want Beer and Beef Jerky!

Had she cut in line as well, I think I would have gone to Dennys.

Heh. “Cutting in line.”

In my house the boys rule is: whoever smelt it dealt it

I dined with the Dutchess at tea,
And it was just as I feared it would be.
For her rumblings Abdominal
Were something Phenominal,
And everyone thought it was me!"

My dad used to say: “Keep it in and bear the pain, or let it out and bear the shame.” As I recall, he usually took the later option. (Now that I have kids of my own, he truly deserves Benny Hill’s fractured-German title of “Grossfarter”.)

For all you know, lieu, he may already be “brown baggin’ it”–glad I don’t do his laundry! :eek:

Just wanted you to know, lieu, that was totally unnecessary and uncalled for … :wink:

and, of course, incredibly hilarious. Damn, I haven’t actually Laughed Out Loud at a post in forever.

Damn yer eyes! Arrr!!

And this single quote made it all worth while. However, I’m rather asstonished that (with his reputation for all things odiferous and rectal) lieu wasn’t instantly painted up ass the culprit.

That thought crossed my mind as well, but let’s face it, it’d have to happen at a Dopefest for lieu to really catch shit for something like this.

The poor guy. Now he’ll be forever branded as “the Farting Accountant”. The only way to escape that infamy would be to quit. Of course on his app’ for his next job when he gets to the line “Reason for leaving you last job” he’ll have to put “Farting in the cafeteria.” The poor slob will never get hired again.

Worst job of “crop dusting” I ever heard…

Now THAT is just plain Good writing! So glad I wasn’t drinking anything, but you sure helped to clear my cold-infested lungs!
Laugh out loud… cough out loud … read it again to see why it cracked me up … laugh out loud … hack and cough …
Maybe we could declare you medicinal, Lieu … and you could collect insurance payments! Avast ye Insurance Company, lay to, or I’ll shiver yer timbers knee deep in fart!

On behalf of accountants everywhere, I’m sorry.

–scout [who is oftentimes a “Farting Accountant” herself]

Maybe you shoulda shoved a corncob up his ass. I know where you can get a deal on them for


a buccaneer


This is simply brilliant writing. Maybe when this is turned into a stage play (possibly the Musical.) the likes of a young Peter O’Toole could deliver this line.

lieuwhatever we did to deserve you, I do not know, but(t) you consistantly blow us away.

now rue, i’m sure he would be more creative, and under reason for leaving he would write, “osha determined that an unhealthy air was detected with in the building.” or " i left due to a hostile enviroment." or " aaarr matey, it was a foul ship."

That’s as good a band name as any I’ve heard of lately.

As usual, an excellent story involving anal gymnastics from our beloved bathroom reporter, lieu.

But cut the guy some slack, will ya? He obviously suffered from Ass Demons. That he chose to exorcise them in a public place like a cafeteria checkout line was unfortunate for everyone in his backblast area. Consider the alternative: if he had been able to hold it in for only a minute more and walked to a table, he might have sounded like The Little Motorboat That Could, announcing with each step his losing battle against the Musk Monsters. Then there’d be an invisible trail of spherical clouds of noxious fumes strewn through the eatery, and people would mysteriously keel over for no apparent reason.

You took one for the team and have proven yourself to be a standup company man. Bravo!


Great, now I’ve got this image of people in cowboy boots all going “stomp, stomp, clap, pfffffftt!”