I once stole a girl’s thunder. We were in a group talking and at one point, after the conversaton had turned that way, she piped up with “I’m a princess?” Before had the chance I replied “Daddy’s little princess?”
She very sadly replied “Yes.” She really looked creat fallen. I hoped she hadn’t been waiting too long for that.
I’ve always wanted to be lifting a toilet off the floor with a crowbar and have someone walk in on me and say:
“you shoudn’t use a crowbar on porcelain”, to which I’d reply:
“It’s my potty and I’ll pry if I want to.”
There’s one I did actually use. My father is named Bob as well. One time the phone rings:
“Is Bob there?”
“Yes, this is Bob”
“Is this Bob the father or Bob the son?”
“No, this is Bob the Holy Ghost”
Yesterday, I startled one of my co-workers who wasn’t happy to see me anyway for work-related reasons, and he yelped “Oh, Jesus Christ!” but before he could finish his thought I smoothly responded with…
“How did you recognize me without my sandals?”
Brought the house down.
Yes! I got to use an Airplane-variant yesterday!
I was on the phone with a client, looking up some parts. She had a question about one of them that wasn’t answered by the breakdown.
Me: “It doesn’t say here. I’ll have to see if I can find out more more information. Can you hold on a few minutes?”
Her: “Surely.”
Me: “No. Mindfield.”
I went for a heart exam a few weeks ago, and while we were looking at the pictures, we saw that one of my heart valves has two of the three flaps fused, so it’s called a ‘bicuspid valve’. I told the doctor “Since you say I’m a bivalve, I’ll just clam up and get out of here.” He did laugh over that. (But I still wonder how many times he’s heard it.)
We were having dinner at a restaurant with some friends of ours, and one of them ordered cod.
When the food arrived, our friend took a couple of bites before putting down his utensils and giving the food a look.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“It looks kinda odd”, he replied.
<deep breath on my part; channelling my inner Benny Hill> “So, it’s the piece of cod that passeth all understanding?”
::: delay of a couple of seconds, then everyone busted out laughing :::
I was at a concert, and a rap act called Macromantics came on. At one point early in the set she did a "M-a-c-r-o-m-a-n-t-i-c-s, what’s that spell? unfortunately, most of the people were there for Deerhoof and it was early in the set, so most people weren’t really into it yet, and only one or two guys responded correctly. I was tempted to call out “Throatwarbler Mangrove,” but I thought of it too late, and it’d be kind of mean.
This is true. We’re in Hooters, and there’s music playing, but it’s noisy and the music isn’t very loud so we’re not consciously aware of it. One guy turns to another and says “Do it!” After a pause, he replies, “Do what?”
Apparently annoyed by the long pause, the first guy says “Hold on… I’m gonna ask you again, say ‘Do what?’ again. … Do it.”
“Do what?”
Slight pause, then, perfectly in sync with the music, “Do the hustle!”
One time some of my friends were messing around, sort of pretend-fighting, and someone hit this girl named Kenna and she fell over. “Oh my god!” I yelled, “They killed Kenn…a.” Someone else thought of it, just a second too late.
In physics last year, we were doing problems involving infinitely large sheets of metal, that had a uniform charge. One day, I wondered out loud, “Where would you put an infinitely charged sheet of metal, anyway?” I ended up answering my own question: “Well, everywhere, I guess” and got a few laughs.
There used to be a couple women at work who could always be counted on for some good-natured sexual harassment - usually dishing it out themselves. For example, one time I needed to squeeze past one of them in a narrow space. To alert her to my presence I said, “Behind you” as I passed behind her so that she wouldn’t back up and make me drop what I was carrying. The other women heard this and said, “That’s exactly what she likes to hear!”
So one day, as this woman was crouching to pick something up off the floor, I inadvertently splashed water in her face. “Ah! You got it in my eye!” she cried, the innuendo and double-entendre obvious. Unfortunately, I didn’t think of the perfect response until about ten minutes later:
“Well, if you’d tip you head back and open your mouth like you’re supposed to, that wouldn’t happen!”
Sadly, I don’t think I’ll ever again encounter the combination of the right woman, the right situation, and the right setup line like that. But now I’m ready if I do
Mrs. Chef and I have a Friday routine: We drop the kids at school, go to Weight Watchers, and then have brunch at a local cafe. Nowadays another friend from WW joins us, and we’re on our second waiter, but this was when it was just the two of us.
One Friday, Mrs. Chef had to work, so i wound up at the cafe by myself. Our waitress came over and said, “Hey, where’s your… um… friend?” (She didn’t KNOW we were a couple and decided to play it safe.)
Without missing a beat, I said, “We agreed we had to lay low for a while… it turns out her husband knows we’ve been meeting every Friday.” (Which he DID, because of course I’m him.)
I let her squirm and try to come up with a response for a while before I came clean. chuckle
A '99er resurrecting four year old thread?
I don’t get it.
One I’ve used before, but have really been wanting to use again for a while now is, when somebody talks about food saying, “This tastes like sht." I reply, "You eat sht?”
My best situational line (that I can remember):
I was walking down the hall at work with a good friend of mine. He’s the type of guy who is very confident in himself and loves to tell stories.
He said something to the effect of “Did you hear about <mutual friend>? He got the best job ever.”
I answered “Blow job tester?”
First time I’ve seen him speechless. 
-D/a
I was talking to somebody who suggested some of the numerical ideas of analytical geometry were used by the Egyptian surveyors who used ropes and triangulation to resurvey valuable farm land after Nile flooding in antiquity, which of course isn’t right. I accused him of putting Descarte before the Horus.
I had been sitting on that one for years and nobody is more amazed than I am that the opportunity to use it actually just came up.
I collect joke names, and I heard a good one. Unbelievably, I had an opening two days later. A friend at work joked that he was looking for a girlfriend that had two pubic hairs left. I said, “If you find her, we’ll have to call you Adolf Oliver Bush.”
Here’s a great one to tell whenever you’re having lunch with a bunch of women. Stories of their children inevitably come up, so interject:
Did you hear about the baby born at the hospital without eyelids?
No, what will they do about it?
Well, it was a boy, so they fashioned some eyelids out of the foreskin when he was circumcised.
Did it work?
No, he came out cockeyed.