The Little Woman poked me awake. “Something something something. I’m something something. You go back to sleep.” I keyed in on the vital “You go back to sleep.” part, and I did. At least I tried. The part of my brain that was actually listening was kicking the rest of my brain that just wanted to go back to sleep. Slowly I reassembled what was said. There was “water broke”, “call the doctor”, “go back to sleep”. Check "Go back to sleep was definitely in there. Oh crap! So was “water broke”. So much for going back to sleep.
As it happens, we had apple pie for dessert that night, and as anyone who knows anything about anything knows, apple pie brings on labor. It’s a proven fact. At least it’s been proven having apple pie for dessert brings on labor in my wife at least 50% of the time. Tonight was the night Baby Thor was to become an air-breather.
Yeah, we called Soupo “Baby Thor” while he was on the inside. We pretty much had his name picked out, but there were a few back-up names floating around, so we wanted to hedge our bets. What if he didn’t actually look like a “Soupo”? Or the ultra-sound was wrong and he turned out to be a she? So it was “Baby Thor” until we got a good look at things.
It was a dark and stormy night. Only it wasn’t all that stormy, although the wind was picking up and it was getting cold. This really wasn’t a big surprise since it was early January in the Mid-West and we hadn’t gotten any snow yet. It had to show up sometime. Looks like it was going to be tonight. Joy. But we were only twenty minutes from the hospital and the snow hadn’t started yet, so we were Jake. We rolled into the lot and got checked in (we had reservations, or were pre-admitted, or whatever they called it). It had just started to flurry.
A couple hours later, the kindly nurse (they were all kindly nurses) told us it was going to be a while, so maybe we should walk around the halls some. So we did a couple laps around the Maternity Ward and looked out the windows. The snow was really coming down now.
A couple hours later, the kindly nurse (they were all kindly nurses) told us it was going to be a while, so maybe we should walk around the halls some. So we did a couple laps around the Maternity Ward and looked out the windows. The snow was really coming down now. (No I meant to repeat that. Have you ever had a kid? They make you do laps around the ward every couple of hours. I think it’s a rule.) The cars were covered with a good couple of inches. After that it was back to the room and monitors and wires and stuff were all hooked up, so we didn’t have to walk any more. Then it was time for the epidural (drugs are GOOD!). Then it was time to push. Then a baby was born.
When a doctor that is delivering your baby looks down and says something like “Huh. Look at this.”, don’t. There is nothing down there you really want to see. Trust me. Actually, the best tip I can give you is: When it’s time for your wife to have a baby, build a time machine and go back to the 1950’s. You don’t have to do anything and can actually get drinks right in the waiting room. Now THAT was a Good System.
While we were experiencing the “Miracle of Life” (or the “Biology of Shoving a Watermelon Out of a Mouse Hole” if you prefer) it snowed like crazy. I remember it as about 9 feet. Actually it was more like a foot and a half, maybe two feet. But that’s still a good whack of snow all at once when you have to bring your new baby home. And there’s no one there to shovel your driveway.
So while they were doing the boring tests the next day (I think it was the next day, but a lot of things around that time are pretty fuzzy.) I got to go home and shovel the driveway. Whee! (Yes, I know. I had it way easy compared to, say the person who just had a baby.) So now I can bring home my new family and all the rest of my old family can start showing up to have a gander at my progeny.
This started a pattern. And not the good kind you can use to sew a nice shirt from either.
You know how a new-born baby has to go get checked up at the doctors’ roughly 10,000 times in that first month? Well, the night before every regularly scheduled doctor visit, it would snow. Great whacking heaps of snow. So before I could take everyone to said doctor, I had to shovel. Only it wasn’t shoveling. We had a giant gravel drive back then. The best way to clear off a giant gravel drive is to use a push broom and just shove the snow out of the way. Actually the best way to clear a gravel drive is to pay someone else to do it or move. But at the time our best option was for me to go sweep the driveway.
You thought Thor was in charge of thunder? Naw. Baby Thor brought snow.
And we had an orange-ish baby. We were told that sunlight would help clear that up. Only it was snowing all the time. Snow comes from clouds. Clouds block the sun. And our baby stayed orange. But that cleared up, so all was well.
That was six years ago. (And some change now because his birthday was last week.) On one hand it’s like: Wow. When did that happen? On the other it’s like: It’s about stinking time.
-Rue.
