I was asked to email the monthly total from the copy machine for this month and building; someone is sick or can’t be here or whatever to count beans.
I returned,
“190. I hope we don’t wear the damn thing out.”
If only I could get away with actually saying or emailing the snarky comments that come into my head.
Alas, the PTB (powers that be) would take a dim view of my odd sense of humor, and attempts to get (l)users to comply with IT directives.
I do miss the small company atmosphere that I used to work in that would allow me to say such things to either individual users, or managers.
Hoo boy. Me too - I usually have a mental “alternate” version of my communications to users. Fortunately I’m in a position where I can - occasionally, and while exercising good judgment as to the personality and mental state of my audience - cut loose with my thoughts.
I could MST3K-ize Sales IT at my company all day long.
Still, my favorite thing to do at work (and it never gets old) is when someone emails me a request, i.e. Can you look up this information for me?
I reply with this (of course, exchange the names)
Hi Emailer:
No.
Thanks,
interface2x
Of course, I then say “just kidding” or something like that, but it throws people off for a second!
I’ve supplied following smart ass comment:
“Can you correct this document for me?”
“No, my keyboard ran out commas and periods and I’m waiting for the new shipment to come in.”
I didn’t say they weren’t stupid.
Hee. I say No to one annoying guy in our meetings and wait a few beats while everyone looks slightly shocked. Then I reluctantly say, All riiight.
But a colleague in the same meeting series got me good. I mentioned how I had been on best behavior in the previous meeting and had made only one smart remark. “And a lot of dumb ones!” she said. Burn!
Vewy eawy in my wibwawy caweew (get it, I was just a baby?), a guy walked up to the desk and said “I’m looking for a book.” I replied, “Well, you came to the right place!”
My boss had a long talk with me after that.
I always smile at the people who come into the shop on Miami Ink:
What can I do for you?
I’d like to get a tattoo.
(You’re in luck!)
But then I found myself as a customer at Supercuts:
May I help you?
Yes, I’d like a haircut.
To be fair, I was saying “haircut” as opposed to “wash-haircut-style” or other services, but she ended up saying “Do you need a shampoo with that?” so I guess the point was lost.
There’s always the standard response to “Can I ask you a question?”
“You just did.”
It always throws them off for a sec… I like it that way!
couple weeks ago i submitted a liquor requisition form to my manager that read (approximately) :
vodka…24
rye…6
rum…4
gin…4
tequila…2
jack dan…3
your mom…1
triple sec…1
johnny blck…1
glivet…1
sour rasp…2
fudgepacker…3
cr cacao…2
pep schn…1
so co…2
amaretto…2
eat me…4
jager…4
(etc.)
he thought it was hilarious, and has a photocopy of the req pinned to the cork board in the office. but then, smartass stuff like this goes on all the time at the club.
another time, a little while back, as i was explaining to one new employee where to find, and in cleanup where to put back, such & such & etc, and about to finish off with “…because that’s just the way we have it organized here, so everybody knows where look for whatever” i noticed out the corner of my eye another new employee just entering the room, and instead finished with “… so ya, my first week here, i put everything away in the wrong place, and (manager’s name) just flipped out and punched me in the throat. so don’t fuck up. but otherwise, it’s pretty simple.”
the look of complete shock i got from the two newbs made me burst out laughing. which is a shame… had i kept my composure, and knowing my co-workers, we could have strung that one out for the whole night, if not the whole weekend.
In college, I worked at Foot Locker. You know what the uniforms look like. A customer came in and asked if I worked there. I looked down at my clothes and said, “No, I’m just dressed like this in case a football game breaks out in the hallway.”
At another job, I was in the president’s office when another staff member came in carrying a handful of rocks. She looked at me and said, “I was just about to throw these at you.” I said, “Now that they fell out, what’s keeping your skull from collapsing?”
Wow these are all terrible
My brother worked in his college’s library during his brief undergraduate career. A woman trudged up to the desk one day, clearly out of breath, looked at him and said “medical journals.” My brother looked her in the eye and said “pudding pops!” He was a bit disappointed that she didn’t want to continue their word-association game. 
What is one supposed to say in this situation?
I can usually be counted upon to “liven up” a faculty meeting with an editorial comment or three, but I was specifically instructed to cease giving “F-” grades since it became widely known as my code for “Not only stupid, but annoying as well.”
“No, and no fries.”
I do software testing. One of my co-workers was complaining to our lead tester about the quality of bugs being written by one of the off-site testers. Our lead replied, “Well, keep in mind, it’s hard to write good bugs with a bong in your hand.”
From the other side of the cubicle, I chimed in, “That’s why I smoke joints.”
Working in a previous powerhouse tv station which has fallen into disrepair in Baltimore; once home to the revered Jerry and Al. We were informed by management that we were soon to be blessed with a visit by the coorperate Big Wigs, and that we would be so honored.
Cue sarcastic reporter/anchor - “Wonderful! Now we can show them how much we are saving in ceiling tiles!”
Customer: I’m working on a (insert car name here)
Me: Sorry about that.
Many times they agree with me.
I have two…
Just today my boss rejected my expense accounts telling me that I must account for every day of the month. When I redo them, I’m going to put…
Date: April 26
Mileage: 0
Destination: Nowhere
Yesterday, I had a customer tell me that she didn’t report an accident to the police department because they were busy investigating two dead bodies found on West Fourth Street. Before my Smartass Filter kicked in, I said, “Wow, that’s an odd place to put them.” Fortunately, she has family in law enforcement and completely cracked up. <whew>