You know, stuff that might turn the boss’ boss’ boss’ head in terror if they overheard it. And you say it with some frequency. For instance, I work in a claims office and spend most of my day on the phone with people in various states of composure and of any background. Yet, if ANYBODY says certain things to me, they are almost always guaranteed the same response.
Customer: Thank you, that’s all I wanted. Inigo: You’re welcome, that’s all you get. (in a tone that closely matches the customer’s statement)
Customer: My God, you’re the best! (Hey, I am in a position to makeor break someone’s day) Inigo: Yes. I know.
On any given claim on a Chev Cavalier: Inigo: I appreciate that the maintenance/after market modification you did was quite expensive but hey, it’s still a Cavalier…
Customer: And your name is Keith? Inigo: Ah, no. Inigo. Customer: Oh, sorry about that. Inigo: No problem, people call me all kinds of things.
Oddly enough, I’ve never pissed anyone off with these little quips. There are times when I choose not to inject them into conversation because of my read on the customer, and at those times I often DO end up with a “situation” and wish I’d gotten to blow a smartass comment their way. Anyway.
Offhand, I can only think of one. I absolutely hate it when people start a converstation with “Hey.” As in “Hey, I was wondering when the new version of ___ is coming on-line.”
Admittedly, folk do it a LOT less than in the early 1970s. Still, I always interrupt after the “Hey” and say “We don’t carry it. Try Donson’s Feed and Seed just down the block.”
This is off topic from your question, and I apologize, but way back when, I worked for bus companies, Trailways and later, Greyhound. I’d always answer the phone like this: “Good afternoon, Greyhound.” About 1 in 20 callers would set my teeth on edge by replying, “Is this Greyhound?” Usually I’d just say that yes, it was. But sometimes, I’d say no, it was Trailways; the number for Greyhound was xxx-xxxx (which was the exact number they’d just called!) Sure enough, a moment later, the phone would ring and thy’d hear the SAME guy (me) saying, “Good afternoon, Greyhound.”
I’m certain one of the guys on my team says “Here, you goat” in place of “Here you go” to me every time he hands something to me.
Clarification: I am not a goat, nor do I look like a goat, nor am I the type of person that deserves to be called a goat. So I just chalk it up to “maybe he says that to everyone” or “maybe he’s got a big problem with authority”, and pretend I heard it otherwise. This is a pretty laid back place, and he’s a pretty young (and coddled) kid here, so I would look like the ass if I called him on it.
Yesterday I told my client that I was going to give a coworker “a hot cup o’ whup-ass.” Luckily she knew it was just a joke, especially since it was through email and she has written proof I said it.
a) You are a goat.
b) That doesn’t excuse Young Coddled
c) Next time, just say “What an odd thing to say.” If he asks what you mean say “I wish you wouldn’t mumble all the time. What was it you just said to me?”
annewaldron I just spent two minutes on the floor of my office laughing at “here you goat”-it’s delicious at so many levels. Maybe it’s deliberate, maybe it’s not. Either way, it’s pretty hysterical. Wow, imagine if you called him on it and it turns out to be a speech impediment? I think further research is necessary.
when I was working customer service type slave positions in college anyone who yelled at me always got the same response: “I’ll be sure to give your opinion all the consideration it merits.” Said in a very sweet tone.
And yes, it IS rather funny. But it does tweak me in a teeny little way. I personally think it’s a form of transference: no one can stand our boss, and no one, not even me, can confront her- she’s that much of a sociopath. The only one she answers to is the owner and even he avoids her. And I have the personal priveledge of being her assistant. So I think it’s this kid’s way of saying it to someone.
Am I the only one who never says any of this stuff? I learned long ago that I have a tin ear for sarcasm and smart remarks. My timing is awful and my delivery is way too deadpan. Stuff other people can say and get laughs, if I say it people will cry or hit me or get me fired. So I don’t do it.
Ah yes, bored annoyed CSR’s are the devil’s plaything…
Customer: “Yes, I’m a YoWireless customer and…”
CSR: “Many people I speak with are!”
CSR: “Thank you for chewing YoWireless! We depreciate your business.”
Customer: “My phone isn’t working and…”
CSR: [exaggeratedly concerned tone] “What? You say your phone isn’t working? Well, we’d better take care of that right away!” [\ECT] [Bored disaffected voice] “Could I get your mobile number please?” [\BDV]
Not to mention the lightning quick [mute button ON] “Asshole!” [mute OFF] “Yes sir, I can definitely understand why you feel that…” This one tends to make floor supervisors swallow their gum if they don’t see you hit the button…
I used to (and still do on occasion) work for the busiest Web site in this region. A few years ago we switched to a registration system, whereby folks had to register to read the site. It’s completely free, but it asks you for things like your home address, income level, and so on (for ad-sales purposes; we’re not spammers).
Just like when SDMB went to paid-mode, people were FURIOUS. A bunch of them called us up to complain about being asked for all this personal information.
After taking far too many irate/abusive calls, I changed my tack. If the caller sounded like someone who’d be cool with such a thing, I’d level with them. “Look, we’re not going to supoena your tax returns; if you don’t want us to know how much money you make, then JUST LIE. If you don’t want to give us your home address, then just MAKE ONE UP; we’re not going to check, and frankly we don’t care. It would be nice if you’d give us your actual ZIP code, so we could get a demographic picture of our readers, but seriously, you could say your name is Bumptious Q. Bangwhistle and you live in Fibber Island, Alaska, and we would never know.”
People would usually start laughing. And no one (as far as I know) ever called my boss. I did this probably six or seven times.
Once in awhile I’ll get a customer who’ll ask, “Do you have any good pens/brushes/etc.?”
My response to this is always a defeated-sounding, “No, they all suck.” Always seems to get a laugh.
In my shop I carry a brand of knife called Olfa. Basically an X-Acto knife, but nobody’s heard of the brand. I had a confused-looking architecture student come in once and hand me his materials list, not knowing what anything was. I helped him find the stuff, then decided to have some fun with him, so I said:
“It says on here you need an Olfa knife. Do you know what that’s for?”
Him: “Uh…no…”
Me: “It’s to cut your Olfas with. Did you get those yet?”
Him, slightly panicked-sounding: “Uh…no…I didn’t know about that…where do I get those??”
This isn’t something I said, but one time I overheard a sarcastic computer repair technician dealing with someone who was in a somewhat frantic state over a technical failure. After the repair was successful, the customer said (just to herself, I think), “Thank you, Jesus”. The technician replied, “That’s not what people normally call me.” After he saw that the customer did not laugh or smile, he assured her that it was only a joke…
I worked at a home improvement store, and for some reason they made me a sales person in lawn and garden. I knew NOTHING about this stuff, and if someone would have trained me, I would have appreciated it. But nothing. So, I tried my best to make people laugh, especially when I couldn’t answer their question correctly.
So, some lady comes to me and says “excuse me, young man, is this plant hardy?” I looked right at her and said “No ma’am. The plant you are holding is Laurel, this one here is Hardy.”
**She was not amused. **
I was turned into the store manager, who called me to his office and laughed his ass off.
I worked at a pet cemetery. People react very strangely when their pets die, but when they bring their ministers, family members, etc. & headstones, it can get weird. Now picture a kid (me) digging a grave on a hillside, through nothing but rock. A metal bar, a pick and a shovel are my only tools. The hole was about 4 feet deep, and most of what I took out was rock. It’s 97 degrees, and 90 % humidity. It took me over 5 hours to dig it by hand. I place the coffin in the grave, and begin to fill the hole back up. The lady starts yelling at me that she doesn’t want any rocks on the coffin. The minister rolled his eyes when she said it. I should have kept my mouth shut, but I didn’t. I said, “lady, these rocks came out of this grave, and now they are going back into the grave.” Other members of her party smiled, and her son laughed out loud. I wasn’t really going for comic relief. I was just tired. However,
She was not amused.
My boss thought it was hilarious. Only after they left, however.
A few years back I owned my own ISP. The area had a major storm and knocked down power for 2 days. Our backup power to the dial up was down which wasn’t a big deal because the leased line from our servers to our provider was down as well. Also, it was a fairly rural area so 90% of the people didn’t mind sitting around in the dark - except for one guy.
Customer Dude: I’m trying to dial in but the phones just ring.
Me: Yes, the power is down.
CD: When are you going to get it fixed.
Me: The last I heard the power company is working to restore all the downed lines and It might be another 3 hours before things start comming back up.
CD: You’re telling me I can’t get on-line for three more hours?
Me: Might be longer. I’ve got the number to the power company. They have a recording which will tell you the current status. Would you like that numbe…
CD: (getting angry) THREE HOURS!!! I pay you for a service and you can’t provide me this simple service. You are costing me money.
Me: Sir, is the power out where you are?
CD: Yes.
Me: Why don’t you try to log in when your lights go back on?
CD: I have work to do. I need to get my email right now. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO FIX THIS PROBLEM NOW?
Me: Well, I’ll call the power company and see if they’ll hire me. I’m not real sure how to replace popped transformers but I’m sure they’ll let me. I’ll head out to your street first and see about getting yours replaced first thing. Of course we also have the issue of our leased line being down so if you’ll excuse me I need to get out and start digging up fiber lines. The break is somewhere along a 40 mile run and I’ve only got this hand shovel.
—It was at that time I realized I was speaking to dead air.
I fully expected the guy to cancel his account with us but he never did.
At an old job, I once got an email from an internal customer who wasn’t happy with something we’d put together for her, because she’d changed all the specifications without telling us.
I responded with an abject apology that blamed the failure on the fact that my Madame Cleo Home Mindreading Kit hadn’t arrived yet. That email eventually made it to the VP of the company and I got an official reprimand, but I was quitting anyway, and didn’t really care. Plus, my immediate supervisor thought it was funny as hell.
I have a few, but none can compare with the one my mom almost didn’t get away with.
She was working at a local apartment complex, showing new apartments to potential renters. This place is top-of-the-middle, if you will; it caters to the people who can’t afford not to live in an apartment but want to be pretentious about it nonetheless. My mom does not typically abide this sort (a trait which I seem to have inherited), but she was able to ignore it long enough to listen to people nitpick two bedrooms, bath and a kitchen and get on with her life.
Anyway, after going through no less than four of the available units (only one of which was the least bit different from the other three) with this one particularly hard-to-please couple, she was walking them back down to the rental office to discuss the terms. As they were walking, a service van drove by from Cox, which is Roanoke’s prominent cable company. Upon seeing this van, the lady of the couple turned to my mom with a disapproving look and inquired, “Oh…does everyone in this town have Cox?”
My mom: “Well, no…only the men.”
The couple: :eek: :eek:
She did get a dressing-down from the landowners after the two people raised hell, but she maintains that it was worth it.
