Smarty Jones, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you

Normally the world of horse racing doesn’t have much impact on me.

But what with Smarty Jones having won the first two legs of the Triple Crown and going for the sweep at the Belmont Stakes Saturday, the level of published idiocy is making an impression.

The outright weirdest and dumbest piece was published in the New York Times this week. The writer suggested that America was hanging on the outcome of the Belmont in hopes of relief from Iraq and other problems, much as Secretariat rescued the nation when he won the Triple Crown in ‘73. The writer also praised Smarty Jones’ “intelligent good looks”.

Cripes, it’s a horse for crying out loud. It looks pretty much like any thoroughbred. I doubt even other horses are very impressed by its “intelligent good looks”. Show me its board scores, and we’ll talk intelligence. It runs fast, and somewhat faster when someone whacks it with a stick.

As for the Relief of the National Malaise argument, I was around when Secretariat did his thing, and I can’t recall it making much of a dent in the national discourse of the time. And it strains credulity to think that people will come together in a happy obliteration of our national problems if Smarty comes in first (I’ll check the SDMB first thing if he wins, to see if Reeder and Brutus are exchanging undying pledges of brotherhood).
Woo-woo-woo.

I went out with Smarty Jones last week, and he is not just a horse. He took me to the Met and was able to discourse (of course, of course) on pre-Revolutionary French clothing, and treated me to dinner at “21” afterward.

Then we chucked that little guy on his back and went partying at Smarty’s place, and . . . well, “just a horse” doesn’t begin to cover it.

(Doodling in notebook: “Mrs. Smarty Jones . . . Eve Jones . . . Dr. and Mrs. Smarty Jones . . .”)

Eve, just make sure that when you die you convince people that it was on a toilet rather than under a horse, because stuff like this is how urban legends start. :wink:

Supposedly that horse gets a shitload of fan mail. What pathetic asshole writes a fan letter to a horse?

So that’s where he was when I couldn’t reach him by phone.
And he swore that he was just visiting his mum, The Old Grey Mare.
Studs, they’re all alike you know-just one thing on their minds.

What’s that you say, Mrs. Robinson? Bolt’n Jones has left and gone away. Hey Hey Hey…

Pedophile! He’s only three years old.
Not to mention in training. If he loses the race, you will be responsible for the destruction of civilization as we know it.

:wink:

Whatdamean, if he wins?! That horse so kicked all of those other horses ass in those other races it’s not going to be close.

Not that I really care, I’ll probably just Tivo it.

Thanks. Now I have “Me and Mrs. Jones” (as sung by Mr. Ed) going through my head.

I guess it’s even worse if I…I mean they! THEY! wait by the mailbox for an answer, huh?

I just want the damned race over with.

I’m sick of hearing about it, mostly because a) I don’t give a fig for horse racing, b) it’s making Sportscenter unwatchable, and c) “Smarty Jones” is a really stupid name. What’s next, “Wiseass Willie?”

Yeah but the problem is after the race, they’ll move on to something equally inane, like can Billy Bob Joe win the pole at the Podunk 500?

Excuse me? Let’s be just a little careful with the NASCAR = redneck there and I won’t have to open this here can of whoop-ass on you.

Actually, they’ll spend their time talking about Tiger Woods and his “slump”. The US Open starts next week (I’m aware of that because…wait for it…I’m going!).

Well, hail yes Billy Bob’s gonna take Podunk! 'Specially if the pit crew whacks him with a stick every time he stops.

[sub](not to miss an obvious, if cheap pun)[/sub]
Should’t that be Hay Hay Hay…?

Mr. Robinson, I love your daughter, not your horse, sir.

And don’t diss the looks. Smarty looks just like my daughter’s horse. Of course he’s a psycho hunter, and hasn’t exactly made me millions of bucks.

True, very true. You forgot to mention the riveting golf coverage.

With the NHL and NBA seasons (finally) over we’re going to see a lot of filler crap. I don’t guess it’s reasonable of me to expect them to fill all 15 sports channels with baseball coverage, but there has to be something more interesting out there.

I’m also saying that a “human interest” story about a horse is just laughable.

“And there they go… It’s Toupee going on ahead, Long Underwear has fallen down behind, and Toothpaste is being squeezed out on the rail—and at twenty to one, Fietlebaum!

Snort! Whinny! Whoa there!

The Pistons don’t even get to play the final series? What, do the Lakers just win by Executive fiat? It’s been 13 years, so I guess I didn’t keep up with the playoffs rule changes.