Most of you who assert and exercise your right to search your kids’ private stuff even when nothing suspicious is going on, will probably get away with it. Your kids will probably forgive you, especially if you didn’t uncover something innocent but of deep PRIVATE personal importance to them (e.g. “love letter”, diary entry).
My heart goes out, though, pre-emptively, to those of you who whose kids are never going to forgive you. I hope you are truly aware that you may be engendering an outcome you’ll regret forever.
When you search for NO REASON other than because you’re just making sure, or because it’s your right, you are playing Russian roulette.
Short version: School sends home laptops with all students, webcam can be remotely activated by school officials, student is suspended for something he did at home, photo from webcam as evidence. Hilarity/lawsuit ensues.
I’m the parent. I don’t have to “get away with” anything.
And frankly, I never parented with an eye toward whether my daughter would *like *me when I was done. She does, as it happens. But there were plenty of times she didn’t, and I could live with that, because the goal of parenting isn’t to make yourself new friends.
The Reason? They are my kids. One is a teenager. Shit happens. That is reason enough.
The game of Roulette is when you do NOT check into youth actions and behavior and end up with a grandchild, an addict, a felon, a lawsuit, a dropout, a suicide or any one of another thousand things that can happen. Will searching stop these 100% Nope - but checking in at times through various means will help prevent them - or perhaps nip a few things in the bud.
How we search and what we do with the information is another issue, of course.
Yes, you do. Those kids won’t remain helpless against you forever. Someday, they won’t be in your power anymore. Someday, they’ll be in a position to tell you to go to hell, and you’ll just have to take it. Quite likely, someday they’ll be in a position to inflict serious harm upon you; you’d best hope they aren’t thinking “Payback time!” when that happens.
And yes, this kind of violation is exactly the kind of affront that stays for people their whole lives. It’s exactly the sort of thing that could lead them to shoving you into a nursing home and never visiting you in your old age; you showed them no respect or consideration; why should they give you any in return?
I think this “I’m your parent, so I’m your owner and can do whatever I want to you” attitude disgusting.
You may find that “like” is not the best word. My daughter absolutely despises my ex. Will not speak to her, blocked her on Facebook, etc. Why? Diary reading, backpack searches, etc.
But, hey, you’re probably right about you and your kid. Probably.
You know Der Trihs, if you really believe that parents generally go through their kids’ rooms out of voyueurism, your personality disorders are even more profound than I’d thought.
KarlGauss, it’s funny you should say that. I AM right about me and my kid. You? Don’t know either of us, so I think you might be projecting just a smidge.
While kids may resent being “checked upon”, I think that many of them deep down inside may also get a sense that their parents actually care about them, even if they never verbalize this sentiment.
If it were me I’d rather that than my parents ignore me.
Again, this parental tactic is purely situational and subject to a judgement call on the part of the parent(s) if they start to witness trouble signs of youth misbehavior/drug abuse/etcetera
Acceptable to go the other way around? I know if my parents had elected to snoop on me (well, more than they did) I certainly would have no compunctions about doing the same back to them.
DianaG, I just don’t see your relationship with your kid as the same thing. At least I hope not. You think your kid doesn’t have to like you and I see what you mean…but hopefully she still loves you.
We are talking about a situation where my parents regularly and randomly would just barge into my room and start searching, whether I was there or not. I would get shaken out of sleep to answer some question about something they found. Remember again that I never did drugs, never drank, and never got involved with boys until I was well past the age of majority. So what the hell could they have found that was so terrible? And my room was neat, all the damn time - I wasn’t allowed to keep it messy. So it’s not like they even had that reason. I’ll never forget that feeling, even if I have washed the bile mostly out of my system.
If I was genuinely in trouble and needed my parents help I could not go to them honestly and tell them. I got in trouble for lying. I got in trouble for telling the truth.
If your daughter came to you with something for help. Are you not her friend then? Does she not talk to you like she likes you? What I am trying to say is, does she trust you? And won’t repeated searches with no reason make you lose that trust? Is your child’s trust not important to you?
My parents went on and on about all I had to do was tell them the truth and they’d help. Lies, all of them - it was far better to hide things. Sure I’d still get in trouble if they found out but I’d get in the exact same amount of trouble if I just told them!
And I am talking about innocous things. Like Dogzilla, the “bad” things I got up to were so incredibly minimal it makes me sad to look back on my teen years.
I understand kids need boundaries. I think the best parents are those who genuinely want their kids to grow up and be independent beings. Unfortunately I have seen way too many parents who seem to have no interest in that whatsoever and are actively threatened by the child’s independence. Because honestly, it engenders so much resentment to constantly work from a basis of “Never trust”.
My sympathies. I didn’t know I had a long-lost Mormon brother. I learned to lie best from my parents, who had no qualms about lying to me about anything. These days I hate lying and thus hardly talk to my parents because I still don’t feel like telling them anything about my life.
My kids are not legally responsible for my actions. I however, am legally responsible for what THEY do.
My kids are not legal adults.
Now, if the boys want to see what I am doing and check on me for hypocrisy - that is fine and triggers many an interesting conversation. Do not try to equate the relationship when they are minors living in my house however - the relationship is NOT equal.
Anaamika, it’s really not. In fact, I never habitually searched her room or her stuff or spied on her. But I definitely reserved the right, though. While I didn’t *search *her room, she was given to understand that it was actually, in fact, a room in MY house that I was kind enough to let her use, and there’s no room in MY house that I don’t get to go into. I’m frankly amused by the idea that a kid should have some sacred space that I’m not allowed into. Space costs money kid, you want some, you buy some.
I’m all for treating a child with whatever degree of trust they’ve earned. But any assertion that children are entitled to the same right of privacy that adults are is, quite simply, absurd.
Yes, i agree with all of this. Thank you for explaining.
I guess what I’m saying is…I don’t think a kid should be allowed to have sacred space you will never go into. But I think sacred space that you won’t go into without a reason is warranted.
To this day I have knee-jerky reactions about MY space. Of course now I pay for it. But we still have the discussion occasionally because he doesn’t feel the need for privacy as much as I do. I’m not hiding anything in that container, but it’s still MY container so stay out!
I would argue that kids have a considerable vested interest in their guardians, not simply in terms of checking for hypocrisy, but in terms of checking whether their ability to guard is not impaired or rejected in some way. But I didn’t attempt to equate them - if I had, why would I bother asking the question? The whole point was to see what extent people thought was fair the other way around. If I had made up my mind that they were equal, i’d have nothing to ask.
DianaG, it’s a good thing you weren’t my mom or else I would have strangled you in your sleep long ago
My parents tried to be controlling to me. When I was younger and got into trouble frequently, I deserved it. But as I grew out of that phase and was more well behaved, my parents didn’t go through an equal maturity period. I was still their little kid who didn’t come home when he said he would, or got into trouble at school. As soon as I was big enough to defend myself against them, I did. Many years of resentment followed, years that could easily have been fixed had they shown me that I had grown in their eyes as I did in others.
Now I barely talk to my parents. Many times, I would lose my temper against them for innocent things, because in my mind they were still the controlling assholes who tried to force me into their little mold of what I was supposed to be without giving me the chance to grow up on my own. I admit, sometimes I feel bad when I yell at my parents, but part of me loves that I can do what I want without them being able to stop me.
You may have a good relationship with your kid, and if you want to attribute that to your horrible parenting, that’s fine. But if I ever have kids, I am not going to be my parents. You are more responsible for bringing them into this world than they are. Don’t act like tough shit and say your house, your rules. The fact is that when you decided to have kids and not abort them, you gave up some of your rights as an independent human being so that you could support another. Would you have thrown them out of the house if they didn’t let you search every inch of their rooms? You can try justifying that to child services if you want, but I’m not going to be an asshole to my kids. They have as much right to privacy in my house as I have.
Now if the kid is a troublemaker, then the leash is tightened. But I’m not going to punish them for being kids
He is right. It’s a matter of what is going on, what has been going on, etc. The parent has the duty to look after the child’s well being. That means there has to be some level of oversight and control.
However, the parent is also supposed to be willing to let the child grow, develop an identity, and start learning about personal responsibility.
Snooping for a valid reason is fine. Snooping in order to exercise some sort of “my dick is bigger than yours” power trip is wrong.
How would you dare demand someone (the child) to give you respect and privacy, if you refuse to give the same to them? Respect goes both ways, and the best way to teach respect is to give some respect. How do you teach someone responsiblility if you never let them exercise any?
