Snooping: When is it okay, if ever?

In My Humble Opinion
21

My friend was separated but trying to patch things up, or so she thought.

Her husband was acting like he wanted to do the same to the point of going to marriage counseling that wasn’t covered under their insurance and had to pay for out of pocket. He even moved back home and acted happy and romantic on a family camping trip. He suddenly moved out again saying he was coming back he just had to straighten some things out. The uncertainty of everything was making her an emotional wreck. Their counselor absolutely sucked and was no help.

She snooped and found out he was living with another woman and had no intention of making things work.

She was able to let him go and stop spending money they didn’t have on counseling. She stopped believing anything he said and moved on. After the point she found out she was a changed woman.

I can’t say her snooping was wrong. She wouldn’t have had to snoop if she wasn’t a gullible person who believes everything anyone says, but she is so she needed to see for herself to give up.

22

The single time I’ve snooped, it wasn’t over a question of fidelity, but of finances. My ex-wife had (among other things) a spending addiction, and was thoroughly dishonest about the extent of the problem. Whenever I’d question her about it, I’d get gaslighted. It got to the point where there were a dozen or more boxes a day showing up from the shopping channels. When I would ask how she was affording all of that crap despite having virtually no income, she’d shuck, jive, and accuse me of either trying to control her or of not “supporting” her enough as she “tried” to control herself.

For the sake of keeping the peace (like I said, she had other problems), I managed to convince myself that I bore some, if not most, of the responsibility for her problem. Still, carrying the load for all of the household expenses on my meager income began to wear on me, and eventually, the cognitive dissonance was too hard to handle.

So I read her email. I knew her password already - I’d set it up years earlier, but never before felt compelled to use it, despite all of the insanity and bullshit I’d been dealing with from her. And I never used it after. I felt like a bastard for doing it, but I was a righteously angry bastard, because I found incontrovertible proof that she’d lied to me over and over and over and over, all the while accusing me of being the liar, the cheat, and the spendthrift.

So why didn’t I just leave her instead of snooping, like most of the people here are suggesting? Because I was young and dumb, she was crazy, and we were married. It’s one thing to file for divorce over infidelity - nobody’s going to look down on you for it. Leaving somebody over addiction, mental health issues, and unemployment is a little more tricky, especially when your entire upbringing has taught you that what the mentally ill need, more than anything, is empathy and support from their loved ones.

I’m older and wiser now, I don’t think I’d ever do the same thing again - I would just leave. But I can’t say that I regret doing what I did when I did it.

23

bolding mine.

THIS. As a last resort. Because some of us have a difficult time not allowing our hearts to lead the rest of us around by the nose. When you really love someone, and you don’t have that concrete proof, it can make you stay far longer than you should.

You’re confirming information that THEY’RE withholding which would allow you to make an informed decision about the relationship.

24

Snooping is to be frowned upon, but I’d be hard-pressed to call it wrong. When I think ‘wrong,’ I think of things that are objectively wrong… and sometimes snooping is an acceptable last resort. I’d go into all the various situations where-in snooping is right or wrong respectively, but… I’m le tired. (Fire ze missiles!)

25

Huh. Snooping is a new taboo?

I must be behind on times, because honestly, I don’t think snooping is that big of a deal. Certainly not bigger then other things.

-“My wife went through my personal bank account and found out I squandered our kids college savings for gambling!”
-“That snooping bitch!”

Perhaps it is an US taboo because it implies an very serious accusation, that of sexual cheating.

If my husband snooped on me, frankly I’d be glad he showed an interest. If he found any dirty laundry, the shame is on me. If he found nothing, I would ask what he worried about. Frankly, me and my husband both don’t have that much of a private life for each other.
However, I will buy my kid an iron safety box for his private stuff when he becomes old enough not to lose the key. But that is because I have to clean his room and he needs a place to put his private stuff.

26

For me the offense of snooping is what it implies.

If I found out that a BF was worried that I was a thief and locked up his jewelry every time I came over to visit, that would piss the heck out of me even though such action doesn’t cause me any tangible harm. It’s about trust. And also personally integrity. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t trust me? Why would I want to be with someone I don’t trust?

Are there some situations in which snooping is justifiable? Probably. Lying is sometimes justifiable too. That doesn’t change the fact that we tend to generally frown upon liars and snoops, right? There is a good reason for that.

Everyone has their reasons for doing what they do, and if you don’t have any regrets about it that’s fine. But I think where it matters is when you advise other people to snoop, just because it happened to work out in your situation. For one thing, not everyone is in the category of “thinking with your heart, not your mind”. And secondly, I don’t think the OP in that other thread was anywhere close to needing that option.

27

emphasis added by moi

*clearing throat *

Baking powder? Exsqueeze me? If you’re saying that if I’m not afraid of eternal damnation or having to go around the wheel again, that I have no motivation to behave ethically, then I feel compelled to advance the hypothesis that you need to cut back on the stupid you eat for breakfast.

There is little evidence to support that idea, and TONS to support the notion that religion itself is the invention of singularly amoral individuals who seek to control and exploit others. It is a far truer statement that those who truly value religion do so because it saves them the trouble of using reason and logic to persuade others to do their bidding.

Of course, if that’s not what you meant I invite you to elaborate and thus clear your name of the taint of supreme stupid.

28

I’m really on the fence about the whole thing.

On one hand, if I was doing something less than kosher in a relationship and got caught via snooping, I would feel violated but would secretly admit to myself that I played a dangerous game and got caught. I’d never admit that to her, though, going with the excuse of, “You violated my trust! We’re done!” in order to get out of it and save some face.

On the other hand, I’ve done a mild bit of snooping before. I once secretly read the text messages of one woman I was in a semi-girlfriend/semi-FWB situation with, and felt extremely guilty about it afterward. I did find a questionable text, and apologized for going through her phone, but asking what the text was all about. Oddly enough, she wasn’t angry, and gave a sort of hand-waving explanation. In hindsight, the lack of defensiveness on her part tells me that maybe she really was telling the truth.

I guess looking through text messages would be the extent of the snooping I’d be willing to do. Installing keyloggers and hacking email accounts is just going too far in my book. Even if I suspected something was going on and she left the computer alone with her email up, I wouldn’t read it.

29

As for snooping…I’ll admit to it. When the doubt became so great and everything wasn’t adding up I went looking for evidence to support what my instincts were screaming to me. I felt dirty doing it, but indescribably clean upon finding it. Clean? yes, because I was ashamed for doubting her and believing her capable of disgustingly cruel behavior. Once I knew my suspicions were not unfounded I was able to shed a lot of self-loathing and direct it where it belonged. Sure, I invaded her privacy, but she was doing far worse to me and our kids. Life isn’t black and white, sometimes small injustices must be done in order to right greater ones.

30

Hi, Ed!

31

No, I mean that if you do not have an authority that tells you what is right or wrong (like religious people do), I’m not sure why you would hold to something being wrong unless you can demonstrate that it actually has negative effects.

It seems odd to justify moral choices on emotional reasons alone.

32

You’re begging the question by assuming that sneaking behind someone’s back it itself immoral. Snoopers don’t give a crap that you have your own life. They care that you might be doing something immoral and hiding it from me.

I know it feels bad when someone invades your privacy, but like I said in the post above, I reject that feelings are in and of themselves determinate of morality. The fact that you feel like you don’t want to be snooped on is insufficient. You have to prove that snooping without you finding out somehow still hurts you.

Heck, I’ll help you out. The best reason I can give for not snooping is that the partner might find out and be hurt by it (as irrational as that is). But seeing as no relationship is completely devoid of hurt, I would argue that there are times when the potential gain outweighs the potential hurt. Even if finding out that you were snooping was itself grounds for ending a relationship, why would it be a big deal if the relationship itself was about to end anyways?

And, honestly, I do think that choosing to not hide stuff from each other in the first place is probably the best way to keep yourself from doing something immoral. Our adherence to morality waxes and wanes throughout our lives. It makes sense, while our adherence is the greatest, to make sure we’ll still be in line when it is at its least. That way one does not become immoral just because passion so dictates.

33

Whether or not two people in another relationship are OK with the idea of their partner snooping on them is not really my problem. But respecting my partner’s privacy is VERY important to me and my core values, and I expect vice-versa in a relationship. I don’t want to date someone that feels like it’s OK to do that in any circumstance. So it hurts me in the sense that if I don’t find out about it, I’m with someone I don’t want to be. So the snooper can snoop and find nothing and never confess, but now I’m with somebody I wouldn’t want to be with if I knew that our values were so different. I don’t get the opportunity to make that choice for myself.

34

If the circumstances merited it, I would likely snoop on a SO. I would expect the same from the other person if they suspected something of me. I don’t really see it as a huge deal or as indicative that there are real big huge ™ trust issues in the relationship like the majority do here. Different strokes for different folks, and if that is what someone needs to do to feel secure in a relationship, so what.

I wouldn’t snoop as a matter of course though, only if I suspected something was up and the other person was hiding it. If I snooped and didn’t find evidence to back my suspicions, I would in all likelihood let it go. On the other hand, if I didn’t snoop, the suspicion I harbored would eventually poison the relationship, perhaps fatally.

35

I believe I’ve told bits and pieces of this story before.

I snooped on my younger brother 4 years ago, who I suspected was abusing drugs. I was right, and worse, he was selling them. I printed out his AIM logs and left them in a drawer of my parents’. I took my brothers to the mall and sent my Mom a text about the fact there were urgent papers in said drawer, telling them they (my parents) had 3 hours to figure it out. When I got back, they had a game plan. Little bro was told what they knew. He apologized, and was given another chance, and blew it. He was sent to a boot camp, and it straightened out his life. Went from terrible grades to an honors student, never touching drugs again, valued himself more than ever before. He just finished his first year of college and will enter the Navy SEALS in June/July. He couldn’t be more proud of himself.

At the time, I felt a bit of sadness and guilt for selling him out - I feel a much stronger bond with my siblings than I ever have with my parents - and I worried if he’d ever forgive me, or if our relationship would ever be whole again. But the way I saw it, he’d already lied to me about everything, directly and indirectly. That justified my actions at the time. In hindsight, I don’t regret it at all.

So it’s never wrong to snoop on your underage kids/nieces/nephews/grandkids/etc. Sorry, it’s not. If you snoop and you’re wrong, well, you just apologize profusely. They’ll get over it.

But for a partner? My Mom got really paranoid when my parents were separated for a few weeks a few years ago (they’ve since reconciled and are GROSSLY happy/in love). She hired a PI to tail my dad (turns out he’s just as boring as we’ve all known him to be - the wildest place he went was a friend’s house). It made her feel better and my dad didn’t seem to mind when she later told him - because he had nothing to hide.

I feel like when things are bad on both ends - and both people know it, and have nothing to hide - then snooping isn’t so bad. Because, again, if you have nothing to hide, you won’t feel bothered. But I’m sure I’m in the minority here. Routine snooping of any sort, or consistent snooping - like some dopers have said they engaged in - is pathological and indicative of low self-esteem.

36

Mmff…you’re tempting me to rudeness you are, you are. How about, I try to treat people kindly because it normally sickens me to do otherwise? Period. Not because I feel coerced by fear of retribution from a higher power, but simply because injustice & violence don’t sit well with me.

Sorry…I seem to have hijacked a thread that was spawned in an attempt to prevent a hijacking. Weird.

37

Why on earth would you stay with a person you felt wasn’t respecting you? You don’t need to snoop to find that answer – it’s right in front of your face.

If communication is dead, the relationship is dead. If trust is dead, the relationship is dead. No snooping necessary.

Tell her clearly that you feel shut out of whatever is going on, and that as partners she needs to communicate with you. If necessary, be explicit that communication is required for you to stay in a relationship, and refusing to communicate is a deal-breaker. If she still refuses, then communication is dead, trust is dead, the relationship is dead. If she can’t or won’t communicate with her partner, she is not in a good place to be in a relationship anyway.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter if she’s cheating or if she’s just in a weird place. If the relationship is not working, despite opportunities to make it work, it really doesn’t matter why.

If you trust her why do you need the whole picture right now? You either trust her – and can take it on faith that she’ll tell you what you need to know when she’s ready to – or you don’t. If you don’t trust her, leave. If you do trust her, communicate and exercise patience. Those are your options.

If you snoop, you’ve just ensured that she can’t trust you.

You already have all the information you need. Do you trust her? Are you willingly and openly communicating with each other? Do you feel she respects you? If the answer is no, what reason is there to stay?

38

This seems so obvious to me that I can’t really grasp the other side of it.

39

If you are trying to prevent someone from hurting themselves, it’s “Investigating” not snooping.

40

There seems to be a lot of judgment going on in this thread, from some poster’s tones. Just because you would never do something doesn’t mean it’s wrong, end of story. Your values are not everyone elses and you shouldn’t attribute them to everyone else. That only makes you look like a judgmental ass. Plenty of the snoopers said we wouldn’t care if our SOs snooped on us if they really felt the need to do it due to our behavior. To each their own, and all that.