New girl I'm dating was snooping through my stuff. Should I break things off?

First some background. We’ve only been on four dates so far, so we’re still in that “feeling-out” period of things. Her last long-term relationship was three years ago with a guy who occasionally sniffed up her rent money, so I suppose she might still be wary of who she gets involved with. Then again, perhaps that is my way of justifying things.

We had a date to go to her friend’s party last Saturday. I didn’t know we were expected to bring a bottle of wine or some beer, so I left her alone to freshen up while I ran to the bottle shop. When I came home later that night I realized that she’d quite obviously been poking through my nightstand, the journals in the bedroom bookshelf and (I strongly suspect) under my bed.

My first reaction was “Oh, how human. Hope I didn’t leave any Playboys around”, but round about Sunday it started gnawing on me. Anybody got an opioion?

Hrmmm, I guess I may give her a break since she has been burned in the past. It certainly would make me a bit leary if it was a first date.

She is probably just interested in knowing more about you. Girls are like that. (Not saying that every girl is going to look under your bed). Her past probably does have something to do with it.

Have you asked her about it? If you ask her and she is sorry and says it won’t happen again I wouldn’t worry about it unless it does. If she says that she has a right to snoop and you don’t like it then I would break it off.

Just for clarification so no one jumps on me.

When I say “Girls are like that” I mean that girls want to know personal things about the guy they are dating. Esp. if she likes you. Not every girl is going to snoop but I think that we all think about snooping. Some of us have more self control or respect for privacy then others. It doesn’t mean that she is a bad person.

No, I won’t do that. As I said, were still in the ‘Feeling-out’ phase, so embarrassing her would just kill things immediately. Should I decide to break things off I think it’d be better to use the pretense that I felt we just didn’t have any chemistry, rather than embarrass her.

IMHO - dump her. Just what do you think her reaction would be if your positions were reversed?

If it were me, I would break things off. If someone can’t respect your privacy after the fourth date, when people are usually still on their best behavior, what is she going to do a year from now?

Ha! Actually that’s pretty much what my mom said: “You think she’d be happy if she caught you in her laundry basket sniffing her panties”?

Mom’s a pip.

IMHO breaking it off and not asking her about it would be a big mistake. You don’t need to embarrass her but ask her why she did it. You can’t know if it is going to be a problem or not unless you ask her about it.

If you think it will make a difference, I say approach her with the information. In a way it’s the best thing to do, because the outcome i.e. how she handles it, will determine whether or not this will work.

I’d say this is pretty forgiveable… Though filling up the medicine chest with marbles, just in case, might not be a bad idea. :wink:

It’s human nature. Not one of our best features, admittedly, but pretty normal behavior just the same. You might, in passing, mention the fact that somethings had been disturbed. Blame it on the cat, or the dog, or a roommate, or your mother coming to visit. Just so she realizes that her behavior was noticed, without having to come clean with the dirty details.

If the snooping continues, that would indicate a severe lack of trust and would make the relationship questionable.

Good Luck!

If something personal is out in the open, and she looks at it… fine. I should have been more careful about leaving it out.

As soon as she has to move or touch anything to get into my stuff, she’s trespassing, invading my privacy, breaching my trust, and showing a general disrespect for me and my property. This would piss me off! :mad: IT"S NONE OF HER BUSINESS!

Looking under the bed or in the medicine chest? The expectation of privacy isn’t so high there. However, do you want to date someone who would read your personal journals when you’re not looking? How about reading your email? Digging through your finances? I couldn’t trust someone like that, and I couldn’t trust her to ever trust me.

Do you confront her? Maybe. Are you certain she did this?

  1. If you like her a lot, then confront her. If she admits it and is apologetic after you explain how you feel, then things might work.

  2. If you are so-so about her, the just dump her. You might tell her why so she can learn from it, but don’t let her talk you out of it when she denies it ever happened.

I would break it off, because she has revealed herself to be the type of person not governed by morals. “I’m Curious” pummeled “Respect Privacy” in a first round KO. Under your bed? Damn.

My brother had the same problem so I know what your going through. Being frank, just confront her about it in a strong manner,look respectful in body language and she will take a hint, if not and she does it again, I would consider really if it is worth the amount of hassle you’re getting.

Slight Hijack…How do you fill the medicine cabinet with marbles. I always wanted to do that but could not figure it out.

I can’t believe anybody’s condoning this behavior. Have you all done it yourselves and are feeling guilty about it?

DUMP HER NOW! And tell her why.

She’s completely untrustworthy. If she wanted to know something about you, she could have just asked you. There is no excuse for snooping. She read your journals? Holy cannoli! Does she think listening in on phone conversations and opening your mail is okay too?

I guess I’m not human, then.

Yep, no doubt. The latch on my nightstand is weird and temperamental and was clearly tripped by somebody who doesn’t know the secret to re-latching it, the journals, well, they are my bloody journals. I intimately know the order they go in. As for under the bed, I’d bet $100 bucks, but not $1000.

If you’re SURE she did it, the relationship is doomed. (It might be worth asking her first.)

If she had to look in the medicine cabinet for an aspirin, or look in the kitchen for a glass, or if you left some books or magazines lying around and she wanted something to read, then OK, but it sounds like she was looking in places where she had no reason to be… IF she did it.

I’m with Green Bean on this one. The only kind of “snooping” that’s permissable is the kind that Bearflag70 talked about - looking at books, CDS, that type of thing that are out and about.

I might go in a medicine cabinet to find some Alleve or the like, not to snoop, though.

I wouldn’t dump her.

I think it has a lot to do with her past. Maybe when you’ve been together a little longer you could bring it up to her, but I wouldn’t just yet.

I guess if she does OTHER things that could be considered a little strange you might want to end it, but that in itself wouldn’t bother me…