New girl I'm dating was snooping through my stuff. Should I break things off?

Hmmm, I’m sorta with Bearflag here. Anything left out is fair game, but the minute she opened drawers and looked under the bed, that’s snooping with a capital S. The journals I wonder about, since my private ones I keep put away, the semi-private (sketches, snippets of poetry type stuff) I don’t care if anybody gets into them. So I might take a look at someone else’s, especially if they left me alone in their apartment (which in my mind says you’re a teensy closer than first date and therefore allowed more priveledges). If I saw the journal was more private than the state of our relationship allowed, I’d close it lickety split and then explain and apologize, even if it meant I’d never get another date.
When I was first reading the OP I thought to myself that perhaps there’s more than just her snooping that is making you think this might not work. How does that quote go? Something about how we already know the answer when we ask questions about these sorts of things. What we’re really asking for is validation of our feelings.

Sorry Green Bean, that was poorly worded. What I was trying to say was that curiosity is a part of human nature. I wasn’t trying to condone snooping and invading another person’s privacy.

But, neither do I consider this a ‘death-by firing squad’ type of offense. YMMV and obviously does.

BTW, remind me not to leave In Conceivable, SylverOne, or Breezy alone in my place… :wink:

::locks desk drawer::

::hides key in medicine cabinet::

:smack:

I was leaning toward the dump her side, until you clarified what type of journals they were. Now I’m not leaning, I’m amazed there’s a question. I don’t even see what the short amount of time dating has to do with it. I’d be more inclined toward understanding had you been dating for a longer period of time and she had trust issues. How much time could she have had to even justify a suspicion about you to herself in such a short time frame? I don’t get it.

I see it as a huge breach of trust and count it not only as a giant red flag, but a giant red flag with cannons firing and elephants stampeding right over my boundaries.:eek:

'S okay, Sylver One. Thanks for explaining. Now could you please please pretty please tell us the mechanics of filling the medicine chest with marbles???

Maybe just set them in there very delicately then slam the door shut???

I look at it like this: You’ve pretty much got three choices:

  1. Forget about it and never say anything to her about it.

  2. Dump her.

  3. Ask her about it.

Number one probably won’t work, because if you’re bothered by it enough to post here, it will continue to gnaw at you, even subconsciously, and you’ll probably never feel like you can fully trust her.

Number two seems rather drastic, especially if you like her and you two seem to be getting along. Why just end what could be a good thing, based on what you’re just assuming, without giving her a chance to talk about it?

So I think number three is the only reasonable course of action. If you were inclined to just dump her over this, you might as well ask her first, what would you have to lose? You’re thinking that asking her about it will embarrass her to the point that it will “kill things immediately”? If you two can’t have some honest communication about something like this after four dates, you’re probably doomed anyway.

You shouldn’t be confrontational or accusatory, just ask her and be honest; say what you said here, that you noticed some of the stuff in your drawers had been moved around, and that at first you dismissed it but then found that it concerned you enough to ask.

If she immediately gets defensive, denies it, and does the “How dare you accuse me of that?” thing, then you should dump her; she doesn’t know how to be honest. Otherwise, you’ll find out why she did it, and take it from there.

I vote to dump her. My brother had a girlfriend who went through his stuff, progressed to reading his email and finally broke into his locked file cabinet and read letters and financial stuff in there.

I haven’t done it, but I’d try holding a thin piece of cardboard across a shelf to dam up the marbles. Drop them in over the cardboard deep enough to pile up, close the door, then withdraw the cardboard. Try to remember they’re there when you open the cabinet.

maybe she was bored and looking for something to read?

at least, i’d probably look on the nightstand, the bookshelf and under the bed for a magazine.

but i’d have been more subtle about putting things back in place, and probably have said
“i was looking for something to read and noticed **** journal in your bookstand, i didn’t know you were interested in that”
just so they knew i had been looking and didn’t freak out.

The only thing you know for sure is that she opened his nightstand? How do you know that she read your journals? They were on a bookshelf. Maybe she just glanced at them.

Ask her!!

I’ve done the marbles/medicine chest thing two ways.

You don’t actually need to fill it up, a couple dozen makes enough of a racket that it’ll be heard just fine in the adjoining rooms.

Cut the bottom out of a small box, (an empty box from my bank checks fits in my medicine cabinet very nicely) place small box on shelf and fill it with marbles. Use double stick tape, velcro or hot glue so the door sticks to the box. Put the box on the top shelf on the end away from the hinges for maximum effect.

Another way is to use a piece of stiff cardboard or thin plywood or foamcore…hold it up with your hand and fill the space behind it with the marbles. Put double stick tape on the board and slide your hand out while your’re closing the door. The pressure of the marbles behind the board will make the tape stick to the door.

I can use the board with double stick tape in the downstairs bath because the edge of the shelf comes right out almost flush with the inner surface of the door. I have to use the box method in the upstairs bathroom because there’s a good one inch gap between the shelf and the door.

I never thought to use this to catch a snooper…the only time I’ve ever done it was for booby trapping a clue as part of a community wide scavenger hunt one Halloween. I had to pick up the marbles 13 times…one for each team.

I’d say that if you bring it up with her, it’s less likely that she’d do something like that again, especially if you tell her how much this type of thing bothers you. I wouldn’t just dump the girl with no explanation, as some have said, it seems a bit drastic. It’s best to talk it out and explain to her that this sort of thing doesn’t fly with you, and if it happens again she’ll be the sole resident of Dumpsville.

I think it falls into the venal vs mortal sin category. In my experience many women will snoop to the extent they can get away with it. You just left the door open and she walked in.

I expect women to snoop and I am rarely dissapointed. It’s part of the wiring to get info about a man they are interested in and quite frankly is a sensible precaution for them to take in some situations. A lot of women would hook you up to a polygraph if they thought they could get away with it. It’s kind of complimentary in a weird way that they would care enough to dig into who you are.

If you’re going to get wound up (and technically you have every right to be if that is what you want to do) about this fairly typical female behavior you should probably end it now. It’s a somewhat slippery slope as to where precautious curiosity becomes invasive nosiness. It’s your call. Go with your gut.

Theoretically, she should be dismissed as untrustworthy but you might confront her with your suspicions on the way out the door.
She may be insecure in light of her previous “relationship” but that shouldn’t be an excuse. If you’re a gentleman you’d end it. Otherwise, I guess it depends on what you want out of the relationship.

To me, it would depend very much on exactly what she did and her motivations. If she was just wandering around, looking at my things, I think that’s fine. If she picked up one of my journals, realized it was a diary, and immediately put it back, that’s fine. If she was thinking things might happen and was checking that I had condoms in the nightstand drawer, that’s fine.

If she actually sat and read any part of any of my journals, I’d dump her. (That would include her even picking up more than one, so if two or more are out of order, I’d probably just dump her.) If she was just rooting through my stuff, looking for anything interesting I might have hidden away, I’d dump her.

So depending on the level of snooping that you already know about, I’d either ask her about the rest or dump her flat out. Having the talk may doom the relationship, but I think it’s important that she know it was her behavior that soured things. She got burned for trusting someone she shouldn’t have in the past, but she needs to learn that she can also get burned by not trusting people.

Assuming she has trust issues, that’s not how it works, IMHO. A person with “trust issues” – such as a person who is wary of trusting people because of past experiences – does not start out trusting everyone until s/he can “justify a suspicion about” someone. That’s why it’s an “issue” rather than a healthy habit. EVERYONE should probably have a healthy mistrust, until proven otherwise, of someone about whom they can “justify a suspicion.”

And anyway, I would definitely not dump her without talking to her. Communication is key. On one hand, if what she says will make a difference to you, then you deserve to hear it. Extreme scenario: maybe you tracked a condom wrapper in on your shoe from the sidewalk and she saw it, threw it away, and lost her good judgment in the heat of recently-found-condom-wrapper-passion! Probably not, but she MAY have something to say that you could live with, or that would result in you wanting to give her another chance.

OTOH, if you don’t really care why or wherefore, then I guess from your perspective it could make sense to dump her w/out even talking about it, but I think she deserves and needs to know the real reason she’s getting dumped. Maybe next time she’ll think twice.

Listen to your mom, she’s absolutely correct with half of the posters here backing her up. Shame on the rest of you for excusing the girl’s behaviour. And this was a nightstand and journals of his that she went through. That’s personal invasion.

Do the girl a favour though and tell her exactly why you are breaking up with her. Maybe she’ll learn a valuable lesson.

The trick with the marbles has already been explained, and with less effort than I put into my previous endeavors. Worked pretty well regardless… Considering the fact that I was doing it as a practical joke on two sets of newlyweds. :smiley:

ah sorry, i read journals as “scientific american” or some such.
if you mean DIARIES, dump her.