Uh huh. So according to her side of the story, her last relationship was with someone who spent their money on cocaine. Not just once, but “occasionally”. And not just their wild money, but rent money. And of course, she never partook, or had anything to do with it. She was just a poor victim. “Innocent li’l me!”
Yeah, and maybe she was just curious while searching your apartment. So women are like that, huh? They just wanna know if you’re trustworthy enough to date, so snooping personal journals is just fine. Right.
I did it once. I read the diary of my SO of 7 years. I thought it was justified because I was jealous about someone else. But she, and my friends, told me I was wrong. That I was making an ass of myself. I agree with them now.
You know what? It’s not going to get any better with this woman. You will never feel trust for her again. I think you have no idea who she is, or what she is capable of doing to your life.
Thumbs Down! GET OUT NOW. Be gentle, but completely clear.
Part of the wiring? What in the holy hell are you talking about? I have NEVER snooped on a guy I’ve dated. Ever! I’e never even thought about it. And I don’t think I’m so unusual. And it’s a “sensible precaution??” What kind of values are you preaching here?
This thread is making me very disturbed. I often have guests at my house, and I’d hate to think that some of them have done any snooping. But I guess some of them probably have.
I simply can not believe that some of you think it’s okay to invade others’ privacy this way.
I can’t believe that he would consider dumping her when he just suspects that she read his journals and went through his nightstand.
What if she bumped into the nightstand and it unlatched? What if you forgot to latch it properly? Maybe she did pick up a few things because she was curious. It doesn’t mean she read the journal.
Even if she did snoop you aren’t given her a chance to explain what she did or why.
If you would dump her with out even talking about it then I think that she is probably better off with out you anyway.
I was feeling your concern until you dropped this log of shit. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TELLING YOUR “MUM” ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS WITH THIS GIRL!! I find that even more offensive than what the girl did.
I dated a girl about 3 years ago. We had a little falling out. We were starting to work things about when she admitted telling her parents about our difficulties. I have no intention of getting into a relationship with a women who is going to tell her parents or sister or brother our business every time a little trouble happens.
Has your property been damaged? Are you are being stalked? If yes, then tell. Anything else is between you and the girl.
Shit, you are the guy! Why are you crying to your mum.
In the first few months of dating, people are on their best behavior, still trying to make a good impression. Over time, people let down their guards and start showing their true natures. She has invaded your privacy on the fourth date. I seriously doubt this behavior is going to get better over time.
Trust issues? I have enormous trust issues, but wouldn’t dream of reading anyone’s private journals that were latched up in a nightstand. I might be terribly tempted, but I don’t think I would even read a private journal laying out in the open. I would say you are the one who should be having trust issues right about now.
Having been burned in the past is no excuse for behaving badly yourself.
I think she might have taken it a little too far - but ask her about it, don’t just ditch her. Find out what was up.
Speaking from experience, I have snooped a little around the bedrooms of guys I was dating/interested in, or sometimes just at my friends house. Usually it’s (in the case of a girl friend of mine) looking through clothes in her open closet to see if theres anything I can borrow, or flipping through books/obvious photo albums, that kind of thing. Heck, I even folded a basket of laundry at someones house, although we’d been friends for a while by that point. I don’t know that I’d open someones nightstand unless I knew that thats where they stored CDs or magazines or something else that they said I could use.
I do, however, fiddle with things. I am imagining a scenario where the girl is sitting on the bed, waiting, and the latch of the nightstand catches her eye. If it is a weird one, I might fiddle with it just to see how it worked, but wouldn’t actually open the door to see what was behind it. If the journals next to the bed had something neat about them, like a drawing on the cover, or something, I might feel comfortable enough picking them up and looking at that, but not at the contents of the journal. As for under the bed…the only time I can imagine doing that is if I might have dropped something there - which is quite possible for me, the way I play with my rings!
I guess it all comes down to what she did, exactly. If she opened the nightstand door, but didn’t look inside, is that wrong? Can you tell that she did look inside? Do you have drawings on your journals? There might be some stupid, innocent explanation to it all, or she might have been truly snooping. Until you ask her, you won’t really know what happened.
roadrash, it sounds like he’s got a healthy relationship with his mother. Why not check out possible bizarre behavior by a female with whom he’s got very little emotional investment thus far with another female who’s got his best interests at heart? Sounds pretty sane.
Now once one enters a committed relationship with someone, then one must be very careful about carrying issues back to the family of origin.
Hey! Like I said, I thought it was a funny “Only Human” thing like peeking through the medicine cabinet at a party or swiping that little bottle of shampoo from a hotel. Mom asked me Sunday if things were getting serious with this girl, and I off-the-cuff said that we’d entered the ‘poking through the nightstand’ phase of the relationship. Mum flipped, and I had to reevaluate the situation. Moms are never impartial critics, are they? So here I am.
I’d definitely talk to her before you make any decisions. Get a feel for where she’s coming from, and then figure out how you feel about it.
I browse through people’s things that are obvious (like bookshelves, cds, or photo albums laying about). I figure that’s okay. If I were interested in a guy, really thinking the relationship might be long-term, I would be tempted to sneak a look at, say, his computer files, or whatever, but I wouldn’t. I am someone who has major trust issues (one abusive relationship, and then a relationship with a cheating compulsive liar) but I give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they demonstrate to me that I shouldn’t. Before those experiences, it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind.
To be totally honest, and although this doesn’t paint me in the best light, if I had concerns that a long-term partner was lying about significant issues, or cheating on me, I would take the opportunity if it presented itself. I would snoop. But after four dates? I couldn’t imagine doing that, personally.
If you continue this relationship, I would suggest discussing it with her. Communication is always the key to a good relationship and if you can’t bring this up now, how are you going to negotiate other, trickier problems when you’re more involved ?
Uh, I’m too lazy to read the whole thread so I don’t know it this has been said already, but… don’t just about all women do this?
I vaguely remember a survey that was done that asked " when you go to the bathroom at someone’s house do you look in the medicine cabnet?"
The answers from this survey were an overwhelmingly yes! Not only do they look in the cabnet but they also look behind the shower curtain. (the survey was for women only)
No bigy to me, thats why I make it a point to leave all my porn mags uder the bathroom sink. Just so they know who they’re dealing with.
Looking under the sink, in the kitchen cabinet (which you should fill with Superballs, not marbles, silly people), OK.
But who the opens up latched journals and reads them? That’s a killer, sorry. That couldn’t be more clearly private if it was stamped with wax.
What do to, what do to. Leave little notes? “Dear intruder – I find violations of my privacy to be relationship-breakers. Please close this medicine cabinet and cease snooping.”
I dunno, your call at the end of the day. How’s the sex?
If i were 100% certain that she’d been snooping this early in the relationship, then i’d be pretty tempted to just dump her. Whether or not you have anything embarrassing for her to find is not the issue - the fact is she’s already violating your trust. And the fact that she has her own “trust issues” from a previous relationship does not excuse her behavior - if anything, it should make her more sensitive to the fact that trust in a relationship is a two-way street.
I tend to agree with a few others here that you have to do SOMETHING - either confront her or dump her - because it seems to be gnawing away at you enough that ignoring it is not an option. I also tend to think, for what it’s worth, that the fact that you didn’t dump her immediately means that you’re pretty keen to keep the relationship going and that you’d be happy to give her the benefit of the doubt. In the end, though, only you can make the decision.
Females are wired to snoop? Give me a break. I’d no sooner look through a new boyfriend’s journals or desk drawers than I’d break into his house.
Now, about dumping her. I guess the first question is whether you like her! Snooping is pretty lame but it’s not the worst character flaw a person could have.
Either way you decide to go, I’d definitely be honest with her, in a non-confrontational way. I can’t imagine why you’d want to spare her the “embarrassment” of telling her you know she was snooping but then feel it’s okay to dump her for some bogus reason. Be honest.
“Joan. When I came home the other night, I noticed my journals were out of order. I’m very anal retentive about how I order my journals, so I KNOW someone had been in that drawer. I realize you have trust issues because of your former relationships, but I want to let you know that I feel you betrayed MY trust when you rifled through my nightstands.”
Then if she denies it, you know she has lying issues as well.
When I am left alone in a room I will gravitate to the bookcases, and I will pick up the odd book and flip through it. I’m a book fanatic, that’s all. Depending on how your journals are labeled, she may have picked it up, realized it was personal, and shoved it back quickly. Can’t account for the nightstand, though, unless she wanted to find out what was in store for apres party. [sub]Oooh, handcuffs! Cooool![/sub]
I’m going to come down squarely in the ‘talk to her’ camp. If she can account for it to your satisfaction, fine. If not, well, also fine. Then your mind will be at ease, and you can go on with or without her.
Invasion of privacy is not something that I would put up with. Some small snooping I could handle (looking in the medicine cabinet for a q-tip or an asprin-looking for a water glass, stuff where if she said, “hey, got any fruit punch in your cubbord?” You would say “help yourself” and she’d look around and find your ‘everyday life stuff’)
She snooped in your journals and looked under your bed.
'nother way to do the marble trick:
Put a dozen or so marbles in a large ziploc bag. Put bag with marbles on top shelf of medicine cabinet, but close the cabinet door on the top half of the ziploc bag. Cut middle of bag about halfway across. Then, while holding door closed, maneuver bag so as to dump out marbles and you’ll be left holding an empty bag. Voila!
