So How Did You Know You Were Ready For...KIDS!?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I am amazed at the number of people who are saying variations on the theme of “you’re never ready, it just happens”.

Each to their own, but I can’t imagine going through life with that attitude. I’m not flaming, and I hope I’m not coming across as insulting, but it’s just a completely different way of looking at life that I don’t really understand.

My opinion : Every child should be a wanted child. No ifs, ands or buts. If you are unsure if it’s something you truly want, don’t just go ahead and create another life. Think long and hard, discuss it with your SO and ask yourself if your 50 year old self would regret either choice. Perhaps you need to “borrow” a friend’s kids for the day, make lists of pros and cons, but don’t just quit the contraceptives and shrug. Make a choice one way or the other, don’t drift into something this major.

Do you see yourself at 60 being lonely without children/grandchildren, or do you see yourself as the life of the retirement village, surrounded by friends your own age ? Do you think you’d resent the loss of your freedom ? Do you think you can balance your own interests with the demands of a child ? What does your SO think ?

FWIW, the only thing that matters is how you and your SO feel at the bottom of your hearts. This is an important decision, that you both must be happy with, whichever choice is made.

22

Tough question Nevermind. My wife and I have four kids, four sons to be exact. And we wanted every one of them. For us, we knew we wanted to have kids, but we didn’t want to rush into it. We travelled, lived overseas for a few years, and we’d been together for nearly 7 years before we our first was born. I think any earlier than that would have been a mistake for us. You’re the only one who knows what’s going on inside your head. Hope you’re talking to Mr Nevermind about it a lot as well, that communication is really important.
I tend to agree with DKW and Goo, don’t just drift into it, spend some time over it, and give it some mental mastication :wink: Don’t let yourself finish up in 10 years in a place that you don’t want to be, nothing is sadder than that.

23

I wasn’t going to post here because I thought my experience would have been covered by someone else, but I guess not. So here’s how it happened to us, and many, many of our friends.

We got married right after I graduated college, and we had discussed beforehand that we wanted kids, 2-4 kids, and that I was going to stay home with them and that we were going to wait about 2 years.

We had no glamorous, adventurous lifestyle to “give up” for kids…our friends and neighbors all had kids, or were planning kids, so the lifestyle we sought was a family lifestyle. Yes, we had hobbies, and interests, but they were all rather domesticated…no jet-setting, no hiking through Nepal, no establishing a career in a highly competitive market. In fact, because my husband’s military career had us moving a few months after the wedding, at the wrong time of year to get hired for teaching, and I was so tired of being in school for the past 17 years, I never did get into teaching.

So after about 2 years, surrounded by other families and kids, and after a neighbor’s toddler followed my husband around at a picnic, he said that after spending time with her (little blonde, blue-eyed angel) he knew he was ready to be someone’s dad. Two months later, I was pregnant with my own blue-eyed blonde angel, and 2-1/2 years after she was born, the boy-child came along.

For us, it was just a natural progression that we had loosely planned out in advance…I always wanted to have the kids first, while I was still young and strong and energetic, and while he had a career that could support our family. I never had any overwhelming career ambitions, never had a talent that screamed for expression in the public sector, never had any grand life goals to accomplish that couldn’t be accomplished as a family. I worked in a credit union, did massive amounts of volunteer work, taught community education classes, was active in church and choir…just lived my life, and didn’t view kids as an added burden, or expense, or lifestyle change…they were what our lifestyle was all about.

Now it doesn’t all have a fairy tale ending…when the military cut back, my husband lost his job, and problems we were having due to his drinking and womanizing came to a head and we divorced, and partly because of the woman he left us for, my ex has almost no relationship with the children, and tho he has finally regained his senses and realizes what he has lost, and what he had before the alcohol got a hold of him…it’s too late. The kids have had a horrible time dealing with his rejection, but my daughter has finally rounded the corner on that, and I have every confidence my son will, too. They have put me through a lot…a LOT…of rough times I never imagined I could endure, never imagined would ever happen to us, and we have absolutely no money, no property, no assets…but I would do it again, every bit of it, in order to have them in my life.

As for being afraid of giving birth like dreamer, I know everyone has different levels of tolerance for discomfort, but I have always been sort of a pragmatist. If you want to give birth to a child, this is what you must go through. I had enough friends and relatives giving birth, and heard enough stories, but even the ones who had a hard time survived, and did it again, and the end benefit far outweighs my personal comfort. I don’t think I’m stating this very well…our bodies were designed to do this, it doesn’t last forever, and you are stronger than you think. Oh, and I was never so enamoured of my own body that I worried about what childbirth would do to my figure…maybe I should have been, but I just couldn’t stand those women who were obsessed with “regaining their figure” after giving birth…and please note I mean OBSESSED…as if their only self-worth was how they looked in a bathing suit, not what kind of parent they were.

24

To bring this back to a lighter note after kittenblue’s response…

How did I know I was ready to have children?

Simple, my wife told me I was. We had always planned on having children. I was in the “let’s wait until everything is perfect mode.” That meant paying off consumer debt, buying a house, being in a stable job, etc. My wife ran out of patience and told me that she was ready to have children. It was one of our very, very rare arguments. I took a look around and realized that we were actually in a pretty good position to raise a child.

So, we starting trying. After a couple miscarriages, we had our first child, a son. He is seven months old and is a true joy in our lives. We also managed to retire most of the consumer debt and buy a house before he arrived.

Right now, life is fairly idyllic. Because I am able to earn enough to support the family, my wife is able to stay home with our son (which is what we both prefer). Our son is happy, healthy, and growing unbelievably quickly.

So, to return to the original question, I knew I was ready because my wife told me I was and she was right.

25

All good questions. I prefer to see myself w/ family vs retirement village lifestyle. I am an independent person who doesn’t really need to have a ton of people around to be happy, but instead prefer to be around a few that matter the most to me. The loss of freedom issue is, I think, at the core of my doubts. However, I hope, and would like to think, that I am not the type of parent that you refer to who ‘takes it out on’ their kids. In other words, I would not resent my children. “Resent” is a harsh word. If anything, I’d probably feel more “dissappointed” or “frustrated” about the loss of freedom.
And yes, it is NOT selfish to not want kids!
I agree that it seems many do it for social reasons/expectations. I can’t stand that. This is part of what I am asking myself–do I really want to, or am I doing it cause I think I should. I am generally not the type that does things cause I am expected to. In fact, if I feel someone is telling me to do something (directly or indirectly) it pisses me off, and I tend to do-- or want to do-- the opposite. Which isn’t always a bad thing, as long as I don’t end up shooting myself in the foot. :wink:

FWIW, I don’t think there is anything wrong w/ your reply–I prefer straight talk to PC anyday.
KITTENBLUE:
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I’m sorry things went down that way. I will never understand how someone can bail on their kids like that.

Neither one of us take this lightly. I feel better talking about it and your comments have helped me to put some things in perspective–which is easy to lose.

26

If nothing else, Nevermind I hope everyone’s comments have helped you to sort through your own feelings and arrive at a conclusion.

I also hope that the feelings of your SO are similar, or reconcilable.

Each to their own, and every child a wanted child… not bad things to keep in the back of your mind. Happy living, no matter which option you pursue :smiley:

27

I think it’s important to realize that doubting “am I ready” is not the same as saying that you’re NOT ready, or that your child won’t be wanted. It’s true that there are doubtful people who, if they searched their hearts, would find that doubt means that yeah, they should hold off on (or scrap completely) the idea of having kids. But I refuse to believe that doubt automatically means getting preggers is a no-no.

To me, that doubt and concern about being a mom was an important part of being a critical thinker and a careful person. Or maybe just part of being someone with low self-esteem, I dunno. But that attitude is what made me think carefully about what makes a good parent, to read about child development, to exchange ideas with other moms and dad.

Yeah, I felt freaked out all through my pregnancy, even though I knew I wanted to be a mom and knew my husband wanted to be a dad. But those feelings aren’t necessarily a sign from the fates that Having Kids Is A Shitty Idea.

I wondered if I was ready. I worried.

My child was and is wanted. My child is loved. My child is the best thing that ever happened to me and to my husband and to our marriage. Okay, maybe not our sex life, but our marriage generally.

DKW, I totally respect your decision to not have kids. I am not sure you’re correct in believing that attitude is unpopular on the boards. What does get flamed is people who are blatantly child-hostile. But no-kids as a lifestyle or philosophical choice? Nothing wrong with that.

Biggirl, I loved loved loved your 10cm quote.

28

A big yes to Cranky–I’ve been wondering how to say the same thing. Of course I wondered if I was ready to have kids–any sane person would. At the same time, we wanted baby g very much, we had always planned children, and we were as ready as anyone ever is. Now I’m wondering how prepared I am for a second child–but I do want another, and we are good parents, and we’ll be better than fine.

I don’t think everyone should have kids, but when deciding on what you’re going to do, don’t think that doubts=it’s a bad idea. It’s normal.

29

Come to think of it, it’s the ones who jump in without a second’s worry that frighten me.

30

My favorite response to this question (which, for some reason, I get asked a lot), is: You know you want to and/or are ready to have kids when the fear/anxiety/terror/worry/etc. no longer stops you from actually starting the process (by whatever method). If fear of the unknown is stopping you, you aren’t ready. But sometimes the difference is a push, from a spouse (“I’m ready, you’d better be”), an experience (meeting a child who strikes a chord), or reality jumping up and yanking you over the edge (getting pregnant or having a child suddenly under your care).

Many people become ready when they discover that they are already expecting (as either father or mother), or if a child arrives in another way (as with a friend of mine whose niece and nephew were left with him for the weekend and the mom never came back to pick them up…). The reality forces you into the next step. Some discover that they are truly not ready at this point, and take steps to not be parents. Others discover that they are ready after all, they either just hadn’t realized it before, or just needed that last push to get them there.

Like other people, I was presented with a situation where children were a de facto part of life, and so decided to take up the responsibility and become a parent. Unlike other people, this happened when I had a series of dreams of three boys who would be my sons when I grew up -dreams I had when I was only 7 years old. Peculiar to think that I decided to have kids based on some dreams, but the dreams were a profound spiritual experience for me, and in a fairly concrete way saved my life (decided I couldn’t kill myself if I was going to be someone’s mother some day - my child brain took it as proof that I would indeed survive my childhood, and would turn out okay, especially since the boys were really great kids… that was the start of me really pushing to heal and grow and get better after some pretty horrific experiences). Anyway, we’ve now got two sons, and we still plan to try for another child. For some reason, I anticipate another son. :wink: Anyway, hokey spiritual mumbo-jumbo aside, the knowing sometimes is just a KNOWING. Something shifts inside you and you know which path you are on. The only question then is ‘when?’

Otherwise, you usually get pushed, and have to decide on the spot.

So, ask yourself this - if you discovered that you were pregnant, what would you do? Aside from panic, which is what everyone I know does even if they were planning/trying to get pregnant. :slight_smile: Use that answer as a way to explore your issues further - it isn’t the answer, because you are not in that situation, but it could further illuminate the issues that are at the heart of the question.

31

oh, and even my version of ‘ready’ doesn’t mean you are free from worry/etc. You still fret, you still sometimes miss being able to do other things, but it doesn’t matter - you are on the ride, no getting off. I prefer to let the other options go, and enjoy the ride as much as I can.

32

There are a lot of reasons for being ready for a child, as well as many reasons for deciding you’re not ready.

The reasons are less important than the acceptance and loving of the child.

In my case, the argument could be made that neither child came about as the result of ideal circumstances/rationales.

Child One, now 17, born three years into our marriage, when we were in our mid-20s and barely had two nickles to rub together. My father-in-law had been diagnosed with cancer, and passed away in June. Our daughter was born the following April. My wife acknowledges that she was seeking some kind of compensation for the loss of her father.

Fast forward 8 years. We are in our mid-30s, seriously considering that our daughter will be an only child, being diligent about contraception, having a mental cut-off age of 35, thinking that a second child would be a financial burden we don’t need, as well as not wanting to essentially start what amounts to another family at this age. Surprise, surprise! The condom fails, leaks, breaks, whatever. Another child, unplanned, but not unwelcome.

Did we do wrong? One child is a surrogate, to assuage a feeling of loss at the death of a parent. One was simply “an accident.”

My opinion, since I’m living this scenario, is that our motivations, or the circumstances surrounding the conception of a child matter less than the commitment to following up and doing the job of parenting to your utmost ability. The changes are drastic, the challenges are many and constant, but setting your mind and heart to the task, at any stage in the process, is what counts. Doubts will always be there. Doubts don’t necessarily mean you’re not ready.

33

Cranky, Hedra, Dave:

Well said!!

34

I turned 18. Three months later, the Dumpling of Joy was born.

No, really! He’s eight now, and I’m about ready for a four-year-old. Maybe.

35

Well, I wanted to be married first.
I was, but had hated kids all my life.
Of course, I lvoed my husband, and it seemed so natural: if you love someone, why Wouldn’t you want his child?

to make a long sotry short, I had one 9 years ago, and it twas well worth it.

If I don’t want someone’s child, then I must not be in love .

Course, I believe 43 is too old to have kids.

37

Hey, I’m with Squooshed. I knew it was time because Mrs. R told me so.

Good call, too. The two Little Rs have been, in general, a lot of fun.